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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Met a great guy trouble is...

90 replies

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 18:46

Please dont flame me, obviously name changed for this, trouble is he is attached, I'm single.

I only realised this after a strong connection was made. I've met him before and presumed he was single.

We are both smitten but have arranged to meet up again as friends. Its a long time since I've felt this strongly and although I know we cannot go there I want to go through with the meeting. I will make sure nothing physical will happen. Am I mad? help can anyone talk some sense into me.

OP posts:

sleepycat · 17/05/2008 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledodgy · 17/05/2008 18:48

What's the point of meeting up as friends? There is an attraction there so you are both fooling yourself if you think you can be just friends. Either tell him to end his current relationship before you even go there or stay well away.

savoycabbage · 17/05/2008 18:50

Yes you are mad. Tell him that when he is no longer attached and if you are still single then perhaps you can go from there.

chocolatespiders · 17/05/2008 18:50

you will be doing the wrong thing in meeting him if you have feelings for him

stay away it is so not worth it...

LaVieEnRose · 17/05/2008 18:55

He can't be that "Great" if he's prepared to meet other women (and there may be others) whilst in a relationship with someone else. Probably best to leave well alone.

Cappuccino · 17/05/2008 18:56

What would you think if your friend's boyfriend went out on a date with a single woman he was 'smitten' with? What would you say to your friend? Would you think that was okay?

he sounds like trouble altogether

he has made a connection with you and then let you know he is not single. He is an unfaithful lout by the sounds of him.

Lovesdogsandcats · 17/05/2008 18:56

Why would you want to have anything to do with a man who doesn't mind sneaking round behind his partners back? (Assuming here that she knows nothing of this 'friendship')

That in itself would put me right off...for good, friends or otherwise.

anorak · 17/05/2008 18:57

Yes it can only lead to heartache. Have enough self-respect to be very annoyed that he misrepresented himself to you and tell him you won't see him again.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 17/05/2008 19:06

"meet up as friends " my arse

quint · 17/05/2008 19:08

Do not meet up as friends, you will only get hurt and cause hurt for his partner - get out whilst you still can

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 19:11

Not sure he did misrepresent himself. He appears to have a free and easy lifestyle when he is away from the family life and I presumed he was single.

It was after a lovely kiss that I asked him. I know I should have thought but I was swept of my feet. He may have assumed that I was the type that wouldnt care about his status but I obviously am very concerned, cannot be the OW.

Thank you all for talking some sense into me. Why does life have to be so complicated. Its like I've been waiting so long for such a connection and when it happens its all wrong. I know he feels the same and maybe he is a serial adulturer but just maybe he was taken by surprise too.

I'm going to tell him its no go.

OP posts:

jalopy · 17/05/2008 19:18

In six months time you'll be checking his phone to see if he's been unfaithful to you.

The outlook isn't good.

VictorianSqualor · 17/05/2008 19:26

he kissed you whilst in a relatioship, he is a rat, you just haven't seen that sideyet.

You aren't smitten with the real him.

quint · 17/05/2008 19:27

Even if he left his wife, would you ever be able to trust him knowing how you got together?

NotABanana · 17/05/2008 19:27

There is no dilemma.

He is taken.

Stay right away.

There is more than one person for everyone and if he was the perfect man for you, let him finish with his partner first.

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 19:34

I hardly know him at all. I just cannot remember being so bowled over. It's as though I've fallen hook, line, and sinker. I feel really silly/.

I've had my heart broken and few times in the past and it hardened me up too much. Although I've gone through the motions with boyfriends, in the last 14 years since I was left whilst pregnant, I havent had any real feelings for anyone and its worried me.

Oh well at least I know I'm not such an ice maiden after all. Maybe I will feel this floored again with someone available. Sorry to go on but this is something alien to me.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 17/05/2008 19:39

Yes he sounds lovely/a real catch/a perfect gent ..as do you
My god you only have to look at the relationship threads do you really want to be involved/cause in any way such pain and heartache ..and there are kids are there
Nice !

Thefearlessfreak · 17/05/2008 19:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

littlelapin · 17/05/2008 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 19:46

No I dont Macdoodle. That's why I started this thread to put this silly attraction into some context as there is no-one in real life that I can discuss this with.

You are probably right that we are both horrible people, perhaps we deserve each other.

This is how I've been feeling anyway since it happened. Most mnetters are partnered and I know the pain when one partner falls in love with someone else and it's happened to me in the past.

Anyway damage limited as I'm not going to see him again.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 17/05/2008 19:48

Look this is really simple - ring him and say sayonara until you are single. It may well be that his philandering is symptomatic of a crap relationship and if he feels the magic connection too, he might be inspired to disentangle himself and when he has you may have a chance of happiness with him. Or you might never hear from him again.
So it is a gamble but it is a win-win situation for you because if you never hear from him again you will know that he is a tosser and you will have been saved heartache. If you do you will know that you mean a lot to him and that you have behaved with integrity.
Just go and read some of the heartache caused by betrayal on mn and keep it in mind when you speak to him.
Seriously i know what I am talking about, do the right thing, you will be a better person for it.

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 19:50

Thefearlessfreak. That is the dilemma. I have been beating myself up because I was a bit tempted to go for the naughty sex. I know I cannot do it. Other people can. I'm sure he can.

OP posts:

Sufi · 17/05/2008 19:51

just a thought - if you've been hurt badly in the past the thought of getting in deep with an available guy might be very scary. So getting carried away with an unavailable guy might, in a strange way, feel 'safer' option you know that ultimately this relationship isn't going to go anywhere- hence the strength of your feelings.

Or I could be reading far too much into it... !

Whatever, he's a schmuck. He knew the score when he kissed you. You didn't - but now you do, walk away.

Sufi · 17/05/2008 19:53

feel like a 'safer' option - sorry

YouWillBeDeleted · 17/05/2008 19:57

Hes taken, back off. Go have a read through some of the relationship threads and you will see the hurt and pain that you are considering being party too. Walk away with your self respect.

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