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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Met a great guy trouble is...

90 replies

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 18:46

Please dont flame me, obviously name changed for this, trouble is he is attached, I'm single.

I only realised this after a strong connection was made. I've met him before and presumed he was single.

We are both smitten but have arranged to meet up again as friends. Its a long time since I've felt this strongly and although I know we cannot go there I want to go through with the meeting. I will make sure nothing physical will happen. Am I mad? help can anyone talk some sense into me.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 17/05/2008 21:11

Well done Makes me feel better TBH
He is a prat and will hurt his family anyway but at least you don't have to help him
And you will find love with someone who deserves you ...and IMO it is better to be alone than feel like a shit (or be with one)!

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 21:14

Yes he's got kids. I have been left and cheated on also but it was a long time ago. I guess I'm just hardened to it.

I'm sorry for women who are going through breakups and it was insensitive posting this thread. But your advice has made me see sense.

OP posts:

mummybb · 17/05/2008 21:14

dilemma - I have read this and (as someone who has recently been through hell as an OW) one of the best bits of advice I've heard here is the one that said - these men are very good at making you think they are a great catch. Somehow I think we have part of our brain that can be overriden in the face of an attractive sexual proposition no matter how morally wrong we know it to be. You sound now like I sounded back in November. I have subsequently almost wrecked my life and family for a smooth talking attached man who knew how to manipulate my weaknesses, and was prepared to let me thing it was love and a wonderful unigue friendship and connection until things got complicated..

My only advice can be - be prepared to walk away with dignity intact.

sending you love and strength x

Carmenere · 17/05/2008 21:15

A life without lust not love and with integrity. As a single person you badly need to keep your heart open to meeting a really decent man. Having a tawdry fling with a dishonest twat means said twat is taking up the emotional space that should be filled with a decent bloke (of which there are lots btw). good luck and well done.

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 21:16

Thanks Macdoodle. I hope I do. I'm resigned now to being on my own, but you never know what's round the corner.

OP posts:

ALMummy · 17/05/2008 21:27

inadilemma - I hit my thirties with a failed marriage and NUMEROUS failed relationships behind me. I was utterly resigned to being alone for ever and had totally given up on ever having kids. I came home from work one night and my housemate wanted to go out for drink, I was knackered and said ok for an hour only and didn't even bother to get dressed up. I met someone who I married within six months and now have two DC with. We have our ups and downs but I wouldn't change it for anything. It can and does happen - I am living proof. I am really glad you called it off. There is something else waiting for you I am sure.

davidtennantsmistress · 17/05/2008 21:28

you never know what's out there. glad you told him to jog on thou (lou33's phrase there!)

apparently it's good to be fussy

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 23:03

And lou33 is very fussy. I am too, dont know what came over me this time.

It's amazing how the attached ones can make you feel like a princess. Whereas the single ones always seem to be on there guard.

OP posts:

Confidentialnamechanger · 17/05/2008 23:06

why do you dislike yourself so much that you would 'fall in love' with someone who cheats on his partner?

you deserve better, you need to tell yourself that every day

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 23:14

I think you have hit the nail on the head there. I dont think I deserve any better, but dont usually suffer fools so gladly.

OP posts:

Dior · 17/05/2008 23:20

Message withdrawn

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 23:28

I knew posting on here would help me make up my mind. No-one would have condoned it. I'm glad I cancelled too. I feel so relieved now. It never got to an affair except in our heads. I'm very reserved when it comes to sleeping with anyone but I must admit I was tempted this time and he was attached which is even worse. I couldnt have lived with myself if I'd let it happen.

It would have been so not worth it.

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 17/05/2008 23:38

inadilemma, I can only hope you posted because you knew it was wrong and wanted some confirmation of the sort.
I'm glad you didn;t go for it but I think now you need to address issues in your own head.
Why don't you deserve more?
That's the crux of the issue, not the guy who, sadly, wil probably just find someone else to cheat on his wife with, but you and how you're going to respect yourself more.

Original poster

inadilemma · 17/05/2008 23:51

Yes, I did post because I knew it was wrong. Re the issues in my head. I have been single for a long time and usually go into relationships because I feel I should give it a go, albeit half heartedly. Its not often I meet someone that I really like. And when I do well there is usually a catch.

Thanks for everyones advice on this. I've knocked it on the head now and know I've done the right thing.

OP posts:

Dior · 17/05/2008 23:54

Message withdrawn

Original poster

inadilemma · 18/05/2008 00:11

You've read my mind Dior. It doesnt feel great just now. He's being very persistent. I dont know your history but hope that things worked out well for you in the end. Men what complete bastards, sorry my state of mind atm.

OP posts:

Dior · 18/05/2008 00:14

Message withdrawn

Original poster

inadilemma · 18/05/2008 00:24

He had a book on it!! Well a few of my friends read the rules etc so I suppose its a similar thing. I think he's got the same book. Because even though I've told him to go away hes very practised in the art.

OP posts:

madamez · 18/05/2008 11:26

INadilemma, hopefully his continued pestering will help you see what a selfish dick he is. Men who keep trying when they have been turned down are always bad news, they just want what they can't have and will be downright nasty once they have got it.
If he keeps saying he only wants to be friends, try telling him you want to be friends with his wife too, which should get rid of him.

Dior · 18/05/2008 13:12

Message withdrawn

Original poster

inadilemma · 18/05/2008 13:30

I wonder if I am vulnerable. I know what I like and turn men down rather than start anything that I cannot follow through. I havent had sex for a over a year although I've had opportunities. Is that vulnerable? Anyway I wasnt vulnerable enough as I've got rid now. Its all gone very quiet.

Posibility that our paths will cross again. Mutual friends involved but he does live about 100 miles away so its at arms length.

OP posts:

Dior · 18/05/2008 20:47

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 18/05/2008 20:51

Dior, can i say i told you so now?

Dior · 18/05/2008 20:54

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 18/05/2008 20:55

ha, now there is a good turn of phrase

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