My bf isn't hearing me about being physical .

[kiara13]

I'm 20F, and this is my relationship.

We had taken the same class, and the entirety of freshman year, we were pretty good friends. It got pretty obvious we were into eachother, and he never hesitated casually holding my hands or touching my waist if we're at parties. One day, we go out, and boom, we're together.

And almost immediately after that day, his hands are on my back, my behind, my chest. He takes my hand and puts it on top of his jeans down there. And he didn't even ask if I was okay with it first. But after he'd do it, he'd say, "oh, is this okay?" and I couldn't say anything for some reason.

Come context, I was raised in an incredibly strict Christian household with an extremely demonised view of premarital sex or intimacy in general. And this is my first relationship. Every night before I slept, I'd think about the things he'd done and it made my stomach roll.

I'd be with him and he'd do things and I'd be unresponsive and stiff. He pointed out my lack of enthusiasm, and for some reason I told him "no, I'm just shy, I'm just inexperienced" and he took that as a sign to keep being touchy.

A month in, he told me he loved me. Every time we hugged, he'd grab my behind.

And so, I dreaded being alone with him, because what might he do next?
My friends were so excited for me as I'd been talking about him constantly before and were surprised by my lack of enthusiasm about him. But not really that surprised, because he'd broken up with his ex of 2 years just months before we met, and they never really liked that.

He didn't get me anything for my birthday (or bother showing up), or Christmas, or New Year's, even though I told him pretty clearly how much it means to me. (He said he'd make it up to me by buying me something and he just doesn't, and when I remind him he buys a single chocolate and hands it over) He hasn't taken me out on any dates because they're boring, he'd rather just call me over and makeout on his trashy dorm bed.

It's not a money thing either. He buys plenty of booze and weed.

Communicate, they said. I did, multiple times. About how I felt he was just using me for his own pleasure. About how I wasn't ready for this. And he listens for the most, and tries improving -- though we go back to square one within days with his hands creeping up my shirt and down my pants.

But other than this, he's pretty good. He initiates conversation and calls, and supports me if I need him emotionally. He's protective and tells me about every female encounter he has.
But, I don't know if it's because I'm on the ace spectrum, or if he's rushing, but this entire physical intimacy thing is beginning to bother me. I feel weirdly disconnected from his touch, and don't feel like being emotionally vulnerable or writing paragraphs anymore.
Is this, like, an incompatibility or something...?
I think I might love him, because the idea of breaking up makes me sick.

You don't love him. Your body is telling you clearly that you don't. Listen to it.

You will feel so so much better when you tell him it’s over. It will feel almost impossible.
but do it anyway. Talk to your friends and tell them you’re doing it, ask them for support (not reasons to stay!)

but what if I'm just not ready for it?

It’s not whether you’re ’ready for it’, my love - the issue is that this is a bloke who has no interest in what matters to you, and is trampling over your boundaries at every turn.

It’s not about sex, it’s this bloke being a boorish selfish pig, and he won’t improve.

You still need to dump him and wait til you are, in that case!

Don't EVER be with someone who makes you cringe physically. Whether you 'aren't ready for it' or it's simply that he is a creep who sexually molests you (my opinion on him!) then you should wise up and get rid.

It's not working for you at all.

Omg he sounds like a horrible creep. And it's not that he's "not hearing" you - he is actively not listening to you. Why? Because he doesn't care about your feelings, needs, or boundaries. He doesn't even like you enough to take you on a date.

You need to dump him. When you're with a man you love and who loves and respects you as a human being, the sexual connection and intimacy will not make your stomach roll or feel like something to be avoided.

Get rid of him. Tell your friends everything and let them help you get rid of this creep.

You are very young and very inexperienced. He is a creep. He knows full well what he is doing. He knows you don’t want it. He’s is doing it anyway.

Please please break up with him. You shouldn’t be with anyone who just uses you for his own gratification.

Nobody has the right to touch or grope you if you don't want them to or if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Someone who continues to do it when you've asked them to stop is sexually assaulting you.

He is vile and does not respect you. He doesn't care about your feelings. He thinks he can help himself to your body whenever he feels like it.

Your body does not belong to him and you have every right to say no.

End this relationship, and find someone nice who respects you.

I don't think you love him, I think you're forming a trauma bond with him.

He keeps doing things to you, that you don't want and don't like, and you keep freezing up and disassociating, by the sounds of it. We don't always react in the way you expect people to when consent is ignored.

He doesn't care that you're unresponsive and not into it. Someone who cared about you and consent wouldn't be doing what he's doing.

Don't you want a boyfriend who takes you out and you can trust physically?

Throw this one back.

He sounds awful and quite frankly abusive. Abusive men can be very nice and charming ..until they're not. Absence of birthday presents is a huge red flag- it should be all heart teddies, lovey music mixes, perfume and locket necklaces at your age.

Please dump him he is absolutely NOT the right person. Are you still involved in the Christian faith? Do you have views on sex before marriage? There's no rush you're so young. The right person will wait for you as long as it takes while showering you with birthday presents and not try to touch you against your will when you're stiff and unresponsive. From someone who's been there ...I promise.

He's not a good person. And you shouldn't feel bad and anxious in a relationship. Sex and relationships are supposed to be fun and make you feel good about yourself, genuinely. It shouldn't be like this.

You're essentially gaslighting yourself here op.

If you just weren't ready for the intimacy then it wouldn't matter a jot because he'd have heard you the first time you said that and you wouldn't still have the issue of the wandering hands.

Guys do what they want to. If he wanted to respect you then he would. But he doesn't because he's selfish and I think you're right - this is all about getting his own needs met. I think that not showing up for your girlfriends birthday etc is a really clear sign of how serious you are about the relationship. Stop paying any attention to what he says and look at what he does. He pressures you into intimacy you don't want, he doesn't show up for you when he should, he repeatedly makes promises he doesn't keep, he is cheap with you because he prioritises spending his money on alcohol and weed. Each of those things in themselves are reason enough to end the relationship.

Tell your friends exactly what's been happening. End the relationship. Have some counselling regards the concerns you have about intimacy so you know what you want from a relationship going forwards before you're already in it . This guy is a red flag.

At your age, if you're not feeling flutters it's time to move on.

If you're not ready and he keeps pushing it, then you're not compatible.

Why do you think you have to go along with something he likes but you don't?

What if asking for gifts and dates and stuff is enforced by my unrealistic standards for love that I've learnt from TV?
No, due to my past I've stepped away from faith for a bit, and I drink once in a while, but if time heals, I'd happily be religious.
My friends all hate him and they think I deserve better. On some days, I agree. But then I'll talk to him for a few hours today and he'll me about his past and how I'm the first girlfriend he's ever trusted entirely. And I can't even think of leaving him, because how could I do that to him?
How could I do that to him when I remember how nervous this one time he was driving me somewhere because he wanted to impress me, and when we used to sit for hours in lectures just talking or passing paper? That him who'd get drunk or high and call me for hours and pour his heart out in a way he said he never did for anyone else...

People think that in highly stressful situations, people have a 'fight or flight' instinct. It's actually 'fight, flight, freeze or fawn' these are natural responses to feeling unsafe.

Could your stiffening reflex be a freeze instinct? Could your reassuring of him be fawning?

You must remember, many women/girls are socialised to be nice, put our own feeling second. I imagine with your traditional background this could be more then most people especially when it comes to deferring to men?

None of what I'm saying may be accurate, I'm just bringing these things to your attention incase they feel familiar to you.

You don't owe him anything, you don't need to force yourself to be in a relationship, you are fine on your own.

Have you considered WHY you like him so much? He doesn't seem great from what you have written. Weed smoking, ungenerous, doesn't listen to you, doesn't respect your boundaries, doesn't seem to like you very much other then the physical side and he seems to be pushing and pushing. How far will he push your boundaries.

Because he puts it like this: "I like you so I want to do X with you" and I see couples around me doing s*xual things which puts this invisible pressure on me that there's something wrong with me for not feeling anything but discomfort or mild irritation when he wants to.

He’s a creep. The constant unwanted touching, grabbing your bum, putting your hand on his crotch is enough to give anyone the ick.
When you add in lack of respect for your wishes about Christmas ect and he smokes weed?
Just dump him! Honestly there are lovely kind considerate men out there, you don’t have to date a creep because your friends are pleased for you.

I like him because he's kind, and neat and interesting to talk to and intelligent and athletic and attractive. He's so much more...emotionally mature that the other guys I've met? Like he genuinely empathizes and tries to understand the other point of view. He clears the plates at restaurants and holds my stuff if we're walking somewhere.

I thought you said he didn't want to go out on dates, just to make out on his bed? Where do the restaurants come into it?

what if dates and doing cringe couple-y things just aren't his thing??😭

and what if it's all my religious upbringing that's blocking the way I feel with his touch??

That's if we go out as a group. We have multiple mutual friends

Why are you talking yourself into accepting so little?

What about what you want?

He's not being respectful. He's acting entitled to your body. He isn't.

Honestly, break up with him and work on yourself. Purity culture is so messed up (ask me how I know). Look for a therapist. Reddit can also be helpful.

“But other than this, he's pretty good. He initiates conversation and calls, and supports me if I need him emotionally.”

This is absolute baseline decent behaviour. It’s nothing special whatsoever. But when we’re being treated badly, we grab onto stuff like this to reassure ourselves (and others) that this person is worth it.

Maybe he’s not into going out and doing coupley things. That’s fine if you’re fine with it (which it sounds like you’re not.) The rest of his behaviour is unkind and creepy. This isn’t how a relationship should be. You deserve better.