My bf isn't hearing me about being physical .

[kiara13]

I'm 20F, and this is my relationship.

We had taken the same class, and the entirety of freshman year, we were pretty good friends. It got pretty obvious we were into eachother, and he never hesitated casually holding my hands or touching my waist if we're at parties. One day, we go out, and boom, we're together.

And almost immediately after that day, his hands are on my back, my behind, my chest. He takes my hand and puts it on top of his jeans down there. And he didn't even ask if I was okay with it first. But after he'd do it, he'd say, "oh, is this okay?" and I couldn't say anything for some reason.

Come context, I was raised in an incredibly strict Christian household with an extremely demonised view of premarital sex or intimacy in general. And this is my first relationship. Every night before I slept, I'd think about the things he'd done and it made my stomach roll.

I'd be with him and he'd do things and I'd be unresponsive and stiff. He pointed out my lack of enthusiasm, and for some reason I told him "no, I'm just shy, I'm just inexperienced" and he took that as a sign to keep being touchy.

A month in, he told me he loved me. Every time we hugged, he'd grab my behind.

And so, I dreaded being alone with him, because what might he do next?
My friends were so excited for me as I'd been talking about him constantly before and were surprised by my lack of enthusiasm about him. But not really that surprised, because he'd broken up with his ex of 2 years just months before we met, and they never really liked that.

He didn't get me anything for my birthday (or bother showing up), or Christmas, or New Year's, even though I told him pretty clearly how much it means to me. (He said he'd make it up to me by buying me something and he just doesn't, and when I remind him he buys a single chocolate and hands it over) He hasn't taken me out on any dates because they're boring, he'd rather just call me over and makeout on his trashy dorm bed.

It's not a money thing either. He buys plenty of booze and weed.

Communicate, they said. I did, multiple times. About how I felt he was just using me for his own pleasure. About how I wasn't ready for this. And he listens for the most, and tries improving -- though we go back to square one within days with his hands creeping up my shirt and down my pants.

But other than this, he's pretty good. He initiates conversation and calls, and supports me if I need him emotionally. He's protective and tells me about every female encounter he has.
But, I don't know if it's because I'm on the ace spectrum, or if he's rushing, but this entire physical intimacy thing is beginning to bother me. I feel weirdly disconnected from his touch, and don't feel like being emotionally vulnerable or writing paragraphs anymore.
Is this, like, an incompatibility or something...?
I think I might love him, because the idea of breaking up makes me sick.

Making sure you are comfortable should be his thing. Red flag that he doesn't check / care.

So on the one hand:

He didn't get me anything for my birthday (or bother showing up), or Christmas, or New Year's, even though I told him pretty clearly how much it means to me. (He said he'd make it up to me by buying me something and he just doesn't, and when I remind him he buys a single chocolate and hands it over) He hasn't taken me out on any dates because they're boring, he'd rather just call me over and makeout on his trashy dorm bed.

But on the other hand:

I like him because he's kind, and neat and interesting to talk to and intelligent and athletic and attractive. He's so much more...emotionally mature that the other guys I've met? Like he genuinely empathizes and tries to understand the other point of view. He clears the plates at restaurants and holds my stuff if we're walking somewhere.

If this was a TV show I'd say this character was written very inconsistently. I'll be off now.

Ah...this makes too much sense for me to ignore 🥲 I wish I had the strength to gain some self-respect and break up with him...

and what if it's all my religious upbringing that's blocking the way I feel with his touch?

Then being pushed into sexual activity unwillingly is just going to make it worse and traumatise you.

If that's the case, you need therapy, not a pushy boyfriend who doesn't give a damn if you're into it.

By over thinking it you're in danger of over riding and not listening to your gut instincts. Your instincts are correct. Trust them.

I feel like most of the positive qualities I love about him are qualities he showed before we dated 🥲 the version of him I wanted to date so desperately and the version I remember every time I think of breaking up with him. I'm sorry if I sound crazy.

You will never want it with him, because he isn’t interested in your pleasure. He isn’t trying to find out what excites you, what feels good to you, what would make you comfortable.

He’s just rushing ahead doing what he wants occasionally asking you if it’s ok- after the fact- so he can tell himself he’s a good guy.

He’s taking advantage of your inexperience. He’s doing the superficial stuff- messaging, turning up- so he keeps you in line, but doesn’t bother doing the difficult stuff- a thoughtful gift, following your lead. He’s doing the cheap stuff.

Please stop before you end up trapped and traumatised with no way out.

I’m much older than you and it’s only relatively recently that I’ve realised my self-esteem was so low because I was in an awful relationship. When your partner treats you like you’re nothing, it gets in your veins. And I had no strength because I was using all my energy to deal with the situation.

I promise you though, I absolutely promise, that if you can take one moment of strength and end this, your self-esteem will improve. Hang out with friends, people who genuinely love you, people who care about your feelings. Let that get in your veins instead. Life will only get better.

If he genuinely cared about you, he would do them anyway. He’s only interested in having sex with you. You can do so much better. You deserve better. Your friends think you deserve better. Listen to them.

Dump him.

find your words: don’t let anyone do anything to you, physically, mentally, spiritually anything that you are not comfortable with. Don’t just go quiet and let them keep doing it. As PP says trampling over your boundaries.

if you can’t speak up, just remove yourself from the situation. What would you say to a sibling, child or friend who told you that they hate something but don’t do anything h to stop it.

find your agency. You lr future self with thank you. All the best

I'll tell you something, @kiara13 . Men who have their trousers stuffed full of red flags aren't always dickheads.

They can be kind, vulnerable, sweet, funny, charming, considerate, protective.

We've all been there and we're telling you, from our collective and hard-won experiences, to throw this one back. Because this is how abusive relationships form.

If you stay with him because he's sweet, protective and shows his vulnerability, you won't be learning and growing together, you'll be sacrificing your self-esteem, boundaries and sense of self to appease some ingrained sense of being kind.

There are issues of consent here, too. Consent isn't just verbal, it's physical too. And in sexual relationship, consent should be enthusiastically given. If you find yourself saying "no, it's ok" when you don't know why, when you freeze up and your body is unresponsive, that's not consent. That's a fawn response.

The age at which you embark on a sexual relationship doesn't matter. When it's right, it will feel fun and natural. Shyness is normal, about one's body for example, but you should also feel turned on. You should want to do it, physically and emotionally.

Not only does he repeatedly fail to get consent from you, he repeatedly ignores your lack and denial of consent. No means no. Not 'no for a few days and then you can pretend this conversation didn't happen'.

And you're asking here because your instincts are telling you it's wrong.

Your gut is telling you something is wrong, please please listen to it. You have to put what you want first - as he won't, he'll be putting his own needs first. What you do or don't want is completely valid - it's ok to very clearly articulate this.

So what if dates just aren’t his thing? So what if you have baggage around sexual intimacy? These things might be true, but they don’t mean you need to be uncomfortable in a relationship.

the right man for you will enjoy spending time in ways that you also enjoy.

The right man for you won’t push your sexual boundaries. you might be asexual, demiromantic, have religious hang ups, etc. none of that matters. Whatever relationship you are in, you may or may not want to explore a physical or sexual aspect to that relationship. You can take that exploration as slowly as you want. If a man pushes your boundaries without your enthusiastic consent, then he is a creep.

to summarize: you deserve better than this sorry excuse for a man.

A starting point on consent:
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/enthusiastic-consent-22964.html

And the fawn response:
https://www.patheos.com/blogs/mindfulnessforaddressingstress/2023/04/understanding-the-fawning-response-during-sexual-assault/

Your title says "my bf isn't hearing me". Oh, he's hearing you alright, he's just ignoring you.

@kiara13 - please listen to your friends. This guy’s a creep - he just paws at you and gropes you and forces you into intimacy you don’t want. It isn’t your upbringing that’s the problem here (though I don’t think it was healthy either) - most women don’t want to be groped and pawed at. It feels sleazy, unpleasant and intrusive.

You sound very vulnerable. You don’t owe this guy a relationship. You don’t owe it to him to stay with him when he’s making you unhappy. You owe it to yourself to walk away from him.

More on consent:
https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/how-to-give-and-get-consent/

If he claims ignorance about this, that's not an excuse. Your body is not his to practice on, to make mistakes on.

It's yours. No means no. He keeps ignoring you - it won't get better, trust me. A lot of us have had relationships like this. There are lovely men out there and he is not one of them (in spite of appearances).

He is treating you like his personal sex doll, which you are not.

Goodness! You're 20, with the world at your feet! If you're not into this guy, for whatever reason, don't go out with him! Honestly, you'll regret putting yourself in the situation, when you're older.

You don't "owe" him a relationship, and aren't obliged to go out with him because of your friends or anything.

On a separate note, I would consider counselling, if you think you might have issues and hang-ups about relationships, from your upbringing. It's also essential, that you feel able to tell people you are dating "no", for whatever reason, and not feel guilty or unable to tell them. Anyone decent, would want to know, if they were making you uncomfortable x

If you were with a partner who made you feel loved and cared for, your body might feel differently. He isn't good enough for you.

You feel like this because he acts like two people, the one that everyone else sees and the real him. What he is showing you in the relationship is his true self.
If he had acted the way he does when it is just you and him, would you have wanted to date him? Probably not, and he knows that.
You are in an abusive relationship he is emotionally abusing you (you are the only person I trust, the only person who understands, I can’t go on if we break up), he is saying this to keep you in your place.
He is also sexually assaulting you, he knows you are not okay with what is happening, but he continues anyway. This is to meet his need not yours.
If he was kind and caring he would be kind and caring all the time, not just when people are watching

I think I might love him, because the idea of breaking up makes me sick

I think this is fear, not love. Not sure whether it's fear of being alone, of confrontation or of potentially hurting his feelings, or a mix of all.

When you love someone, you don't dread being alone with someone. Falling in love, particularly in your 20s, is the most wonderful thing. If feels like you're bursting with brilliant sunshine and you want to stand on top of a tall building and shout your love for everyone to hear.

Breaking up with someone is not typically easy, but have your friends on stand by, in the next room. Keep it factual and to the point. Don't back down if he pleads. Break ups are a fact of life and there's often sadness afterwards but I suspect in your case there will be relief too.

I remember when the time came to break up with my first love. I was besotted. I didn't do it, decided to try again. As soon as he left that evening, I broke down in tears and I sobbed my heart out. I didn't understand why, but I knew I'd made a terrible mistake - my body knew what my mind wasn't willing to admit. We finally broke up a year later but I wish I'd ended things when I first thought to.

Please end it with them and then cut all contact. Block him on your phone and socialsto make a clean break. Cry. Feel a bit guilty, a bit sad, a bit confused, relieved....they're all normal feelings post break up.

Expecting reasonably priced gifts at Christmas and birthdays, and expecting your views and preferences to be listened to and respected is not “unrealistic expectations learned from social media”. Respect is the absolute minimum you should expect of any relationship.

leave him. You feel sick at the thought because it’s scary accepting that your first love doesn’t actually live up to what you thought he was. We’ve all been there. Lean on your friends, have a good cry and grieve the pain of letting those hopes go. But you will move on and find someone you really want to be with, and that you long to spend time with and miss when you’re apart. You deserve that.

You sound like you're desperate to be loved. Which many people are. But it's really not a good way to find love.

You're asking a lot of "what if" questions that basically boil down to - what if this shit bag of a man is the standard for partners and it's the best I'm ever going to get so I need to change so I can be happy.

But you aren't changing (and you shouldn't change for him). You are unhappy. Plenty of people - us, your friends - are telling you he isn't the standard for a decent partner, he's a creep who doesn't give a shit about your happiness. You aren't going to find or experience better if you stay with him. You won't find out what other possibilities there are. You won't be happy with your relationship.

If you're not ready for it and he won't respect that, then he isn't the one for you. If he loves you, he will do whatever he can to make sure you're comfortable with all aspects of the relationship.

You're not comfortable. He doesn't care. He's telling you who he is. Listen.

Then get back with him when you are. But I promise you, from what you've said you just aren't actually into him at all and his behaviour is very concerning. Please get out.

Dates can be a huge range of things, it could be a meal out or a trip to a crime and punishment museum or a walk or an art gallery or doing a pottery class. It doesn't need to be what you see on tv. Just doing something together as quality time and if you are in a couple then it should be something you both want to do because if you don't enjoy time together then you shouldn't be dating. The fact he only wants to spend time together in a bedroom shows what he wants from the relationship and what he doesn't.