My bf isn't hearing me about being physical .

[kiara13]

I'm 20F, and this is my relationship.

We had taken the same class, and the entirety of freshman year, we were pretty good friends. It got pretty obvious we were into eachother, and he never hesitated casually holding my hands or touching my waist if we're at parties. One day, we go out, and boom, we're together.

And almost immediately after that day, his hands are on my back, my behind, my chest. He takes my hand and puts it on top of his jeans down there. And he didn't even ask if I was okay with it first. But after he'd do it, he'd say, "oh, is this okay?" and I couldn't say anything for some reason.

Come context, I was raised in an incredibly strict Christian household with an extremely demonised view of premarital sex or intimacy in general. And this is my first relationship. Every night before I slept, I'd think about the things he'd done and it made my stomach roll.

I'd be with him and he'd do things and I'd be unresponsive and stiff. He pointed out my lack of enthusiasm, and for some reason I told him "no, I'm just shy, I'm just inexperienced" and he took that as a sign to keep being touchy.

A month in, he told me he loved me. Every time we hugged, he'd grab my behind.

And so, I dreaded being alone with him, because what might he do next?
My friends were so excited for me as I'd been talking about him constantly before and were surprised by my lack of enthusiasm about him. But not really that surprised, because he'd broken up with his ex of 2 years just months before we met, and they never really liked that.

He didn't get me anything for my birthday (or bother showing up), or Christmas, or New Year's, even though I told him pretty clearly how much it means to me. (He said he'd make it up to me by buying me something and he just doesn't, and when I remind him he buys a single chocolate and hands it over) He hasn't taken me out on any dates because they're boring, he'd rather just call me over and makeout on his trashy dorm bed.

It's not a money thing either. He buys plenty of booze and weed.

Communicate, they said. I did, multiple times. About how I felt he was just using me for his own pleasure. About how I wasn't ready for this. And he listens for the most, and tries improving -- though we go back to square one within days with his hands creeping up my shirt and down my pants.

But other than this, he's pretty good. He initiates conversation and calls, and supports me if I need him emotionally. He's protective and tells me about every female encounter he has.
But, I don't know if it's because I'm on the ace spectrum, or if he's rushing, but this entire physical intimacy thing is beginning to bother me. I feel weirdly disconnected from his touch, and don't feel like being emotionally vulnerable or writing paragraphs anymore.
Is this, like, an incompatibility or something...?
I think I might love him, because the idea of breaking up makes me sick.

Hate to say it but he will have said it to the ex and he will say it to the next!

I'm pushing 40 - my DP and I still have date nights, why because they are fun and different.

You won't fix him. His habits, his past are down to him to deal with not you.
He was happy to chat to you behind his last GFs back - don't be so sure he won't chat to some next person behind yours.

This isn't going to go well for either of you. You are clearly incompatible and have very different expectations from the relationship.
You are very young. You don't need to cling to this man afraid you won't find love if you don't.
If you arent ready for sex you need to find someone who understands and is happy with that. And despite the public image of men let me tell you there are many ones who are less sexually motivated.
It's not a problem with you or with this man.. you just aren't on the same page sexually and also in terms of how you want to spend time. Please please end it. You are wasting your time here. And as well as doing that you are getting more invested in what is going to become a toxic situation.
You may or may not feel comfortable having sex with a man at some point.. but your sexuality is unlikely to massively change. If you are genuinely repulsed by the way he touches you that is not going to change. And from his side he's not going to suddenly become less sexual.
Please take it from me that you need to find someone more compatible with you. You will know when it's right! You won't be repulsed. You might be scared yeah and awkward.. but not distressed. With the right person and building up at the right pace then it will feel much easier than this.
And if it doesn't and it turns out you are genuinely asexual then that's OK too but you need to find a partner who is on the same page. And those men do exist too!!
Please don't settle for this situation you have going on now if it's making you unhappy. It's not something you need to push through. You should be motivated by desire.. even if apprehensive. If all you are feeling is fear and repulsion this is not the right man and it's not the right time.

He’s but kind and caring and mature - he’s a sex pest who knows you’re uncomfortable but keeps on inappropriately touching you.

You realise this could be considered sexual assault right? He’s taking advantage of your freezing to use your body for his gratification - he’s the complete opposite of a nice guy

So two things here.

You deserve to have a relationship with someone who has the same values as you. And that includes things like your dates and intimacy.

Secondly, your religious upbringing may impact your view on things, but if you're not comfortable with his touch that's because you're not comfortable with him touching you. If him touching you doesn't make you feel all fizzy and tingly and excited, that's a physical & emotional reaction, not because you were brought up in a religious way.

You absolutely should be with someone who you want touching you in a way that you are comfortable with. Even if you also want to wait before that happens.

Boke. He's a creep.
You don't love him.
You're just scared of how he will make you feel 'at fault' somehow if you split. Or that he may be dangerous.

He is assaulting you, and probably because of youth (and the way religious institutions often teach women to be codependent and subservient) you feel you should just put up with this shit. God doesn't like men who disrespect women fyi. You aren't this persons bloody play thing.

It's ok to break up for why reason (or, none at all). It's your life and your choice who you date. He doesn't have to agree and you don't have to justify it.

Tell people he behaves inappropriatly so it's over.

A partner should make you feel safe.

This guy is not a partner, he's a predator.

There's nothing wrong with you. You don't owe men your body. No means no. Anything other than an enthusiastic yes, means no. Men know this. Better than we do! So don't be fooled. He knows he is making you uncomfortable.
He either doesn't care or, enjoys the fact.

Honey, there are evil people in this world. Learn how to spot abuse. Never stop reading up on the subject throughout life.

Your feelings around people are a big clue our instincts give us. If they make you feel unsafe, insecure, sad, violated, uncomfortable, 'not enough' or bad about who we are ..chances are it is because they mean you harm.

Stay safe. Love yourself!

This is true.
I was raised Catholic and yes i had guilt and shame around sex.. but when it came down to it despite feeling fear the first time I DEFINITELY did want it to happen. You can feel afraid and guilty but at the same time know you feel desire in your body.
This might be tmi but I'm sensing from your posts this might be the same issue for you... I had never had an orgasm before I had sex with a man. Yet I was easily able to once I started having sex. I'd just never had any information about it when younger, wasn't even aware girls could masterbate or anything..

So yes my first relationships were confusing because I was afraid and didn't really know my own body
BUT
I did not at any point feel repulsed by the attentions of the boyfriend I went on to sleep with. Overwhelmed sometimes and ashamed and scared... but I was still aware of being attracted to him and on some level wanting to be touched by him.

So please if you do not feel that it's may be because you just aren't actually attracted to this man physically and you genuinely do not want to have sex with him. It's possible it's not just confusion or religious shame.

I'd encourage you to only engage in sexual behaviour when you genuinely want to. And know that just because you don't want to with one man doesn't mean you won't with any ever.

He wants a sexual relationship with you but the way he tries to start one turns you right off. This is going nowhere OP. Look around for someone who matches you better. Possibly someone who does a bit of old fashioned courting with the occasional bunch of flowers or box of sweets, and who respects your hesitation.

He's not kind though is he. Not if he keeps touching you when you are clearly uncomfortable with it.

Also, covert narcissists like to tell you they had a horrible, sad life and women are always awful to them and blah blah blah and they might seem deep and introspective and emotional but honey - it's a bullshit con to trick you. They show you a scared little boy. To lure you in. But in truth they are quite monstrous.

There's a painting called 'the fallen angel'. I suggest you go look. The expression on the is so sad, so hurt...betrayed....on this beautiful angels face. That your heart would ache for him. But guess who he is? The devil of course!

The greatest trick of abusers and villains is to make you believe they are victims.

They prey on your kindness.

Now, that's not to say bad people can't be victims. But often their stories are convoluted, exaggerated, stolen from others and adapted or, outright lies.

The way you describe him...sounds good on paper. But it also sounds like the sort of check list you use to convince yourself he's worthwhile.

The true list shouldn't be 'hes a handsome quarterback'. It should be more like 'he makes me feel safe, heard and at peace'. The devil was the most beautiful of angels you know. Means sod all if he intends to destroy your soul. As narcissistic sorts do too fyi as they are parasitic in nature.

It’s okay to be a late bloomer in the romantic and sexual department-I definitely was. It’s even okay to be shy and unsure around sex because of a religious upbringing-I was. But it’s not okay that this guy is so pushy. He might be confused about your response or he might just not care. But he is not right for you at the present time, whether he is ill-intentioned or remarkably obtuse. Take a step back and find the time and courage to stand up for yourself and your wants. It is okay to want something different from a relationship (dates, gifts). In fact for an uncertain and relatively inexperienced young woman, it is good to take things slowly. I did, still got married (over 9 years ago) and do not regret having a boring/innocent dating past.

It's what you want that matters, OP. You do not want this man to touch you. Why are you trying to talk yourself in to accepting something that, in your own words, makes your stomach roll? You are physically recoiling from him because you do not want him to touch you.

So what if he wants to touch you? It's your body, not his.

So what if it's because you're fucked up from religion or whatever? Maybe you are, but if so, letting someone touch you when you do not want them to touch you is not going to make you feel less fucked up about sex.

The simple fact is that you don't want him to touch you. It doesn't matter why. Respect yourself enough to listen to your body and get away from this man.

Good men do not behave the way he behaves. Period.

The other things you like about him are irrelevant and are likely a fabrication.

You know how I know? I did the same as you at your age...I focused on what I thought was good about him and all the potential he had...even though big red flags were waving in my face. I made excuses and justifications for those red flags, as you are doing here. And it was an utterly disastrous, emotionally draining, depressing next several years of my life.

Don't fall into this trap. We are telling you that his groping, dismissal of your feelings and lack of care toward you on special occasions etc are bad, and staying out of a guilt trip you're putting on yourself because you think he meeds you is unhealthy. You need to prioritize yourself and understand what is proper and healthy for a relationship, or you're going to enter into a continuous cycle of abuse in this relationship and possibly others down the road.

This has nothing to do with your Christian upbringing. You are getting unanimous replies here from people of all different walks of life, including those faith/religion.

I can't overstate this enough btw op, you are entitled to your feelings. You don't need to worry about what's normal regarding them or what other people would or should feel.

If something makes you uncomfortable, you are entitled to feel uncomfortable.

The same thing goes for sad, scared or hurt.

I think in teens and early twenties we often worry a lot about not wanting to be weird or strange.

There's also internalised mysoginy sometimes where we don't want to appear 'oversensitve' or 'prudish' or 'bitchy' or 'weak' or whatever other bullshit the patriarchial system wishes to make us believe women are (in order to get us to desperately act a certain way in order to prove we aren't like that). It's a big old trap. Designed to get us to shut up and tolerate abuse. And to make ourselves (and our wants and needs) small. So we can be easily exploited.

The trick is, to recognise that everyone else is worried about what other people think too. So just be you as confidently as possible and make your own destiny. Because everyone else is really just too busy worrying that they are weird to give a shit lol.

You don't like something, don't do it. Someone doesn't respect your no? Get far away from them.

You're the only person that's going to be with you throughout your whole life. So cut yourself some slack. Tell yourself it's ok not to be ok with things you don't like. Be your own champion. If other people don't like that, they can leave. And if they don't, then make them. Nobody gets to tell you who you are or that you aren't enough. Not unless you let them.

OP you are uncomfortable with his intentions. Listen to your gut reaction. He's taking advantage and wants to have sex with you. He is not really listening to your boundaries. If you can't tell him face-to-face that it's over just text him. Tell him you're not ready for a relationship and want to call time on this one. Then block him so he can't bombard you with messages. Your friends don't like him because he's a creep. Do yourself a big favour and listen to yourself and your friends. Dump him and you'll feel relieved. Best wishes to you x

You're twenty years old.

You do not need any of this shit in your life.

Think about yourself instead. Your degree, your future plans, your friends, your right to be happy and feel safe on your own terms.

Sorry but there is nothing kind and intelligent about his behaviour towards you. He clearly has no respect for you. You sound lovely and deserve something so much better. Take heed of your friends and end this as soon as possible. Dates, having fun, pleasing one another with simple thoughtfulness, enjoying being with mutual friends are fundamental to happy relationships.

You sound more worried about pleasing him than pleasing yourself.

Your problem is right here OP

It's not a money thing either. He buys plenty of booze and weed.

What on earth do you want with a sleezy pothead?

Run, don't walk from this guy and raise the bar !

"he'll tell me about his past and how I'm the first girlfriend he's ever trusted entirely"

You are the first girlfriend he's had who has been gullible, trusting and naive enough to believe his bullshit.

"And I can't even think of leaving him, because how could I do that to him?"

You really have fallen hook line and sinker for his manipulative nonsense, haven't you?

You don’t have any feelings for him because if you did, you’d feel completely different when it comes down to physical touch with him!
he’s using you as you sound very vulnerable.
You need to get away from him as he’s not the one for you!!

OP,
I'm getting angry for you.

Find your voice, find your backbone and get rid of this "groper" !

Now !

It's OK not to be ready. When you are ready for this sort of thing, you'll know. He's pressuring you. Sounds like you liked the idea of having a boyfriend/being with this guy before it happened, and now you're not liking it so much. It's OK to change your mind.

Then he should be respecting that and he’s not. He’s not a good guy. Ditch him and save yourself for the right person who treats you with respect.

break up. You are not compatible

@kiara13 - honestly, you sound way too vulnerable to be dating - this guy is predatory, sleazy and manipulative and it sounds like you haven’t been taught to love and respect yourself enough to maintain your boundaries.

Good, kind, caring boyfriends go on dates. They want to go on dates. They want to spend time with their girlfriends doing fun things together which are not sex because that’s how you find out about the whole person. They want to go to restaurants, visit the beach, go to museums/galleries/the zoo, play sport together, go to watch live sport, go paint balling etc. If he doesn’t want to do that, then at best he’s lazy and a bit mean. And in any case, you’re incompatible.

Honestly, OP, you’re 20. You have no dependents. The world is your oyster. You are not a life support system for anyone else, and particularly not men. And you know, it actually doesn’t help him to allow him to treat you badly. He needs to learn how to behave better towards women, not be indulged in lazy, selfish, exploitative behaviour towards women.

Do you have counsellors at your university? Not religious fundamentalists who think women are subservient and should obey men but someone who will care about your rights and boundaries? I think you would really benefit from professional support to allow you to see things in a healthier way.

This guy does not respect you. If he did, he wouldn't repeatedly touch you without your consent.

Guys like him are somehow drawn to women who don't have firm boundaries. They seem to know when to be 'nice' which temporarily buys your trust and compliance. When they have it they push for what they want. And then switch to being 'nice' when they sense you are doubting him. It's confusing and difficult to navigate sometimes.

The 'nice' behaviour is a manipulation so that he can try and get what he wants, which seems to be access to your body. It isn't real. If he truly respected you, he would not paw at you without your consent. It is impossible to behave that way and respect someone.

Please try and get yourself out of this as soon as possible.

In the future, don't be drawn in by surface behaviour , look for real respect which is the only foundation a healthy relationship can be built on.