I'm 20F, and this is my relationship.
We had taken the same class, and the entirety of freshman year, we were pretty good friends. It got pretty obvious we were into eachother, and he never hesitated casually holding my hands or touching my waist if we're at parties. One day, we go out, and boom, we're together.
And almost immediately after that day, his hands are on my back, my behind, my chest. He takes my hand and puts it on top of his jeans down there. And he didn't even ask if I was okay with it first. But after he'd do it, he'd say, "oh, is this okay?" and I couldn't say anything for some reason.
Come context, I was raised in an incredibly strict Christian household with an extremely demonised view of premarital sex or intimacy in general. And this is my first relationship. Every night before I slept, I'd think about the things he'd done and it made my stomach roll.
I'd be with him and he'd do things and I'd be unresponsive and stiff. He pointed out my lack of enthusiasm, and for some reason I told him "no, I'm just shy, I'm just inexperienced" and he took that as a sign to keep being touchy.
A month in, he told me he loved me. Every time we hugged, he'd grab my behind.
And so, I dreaded being alone with him, because what might he do next?
My friends were so excited for me as I'd been talking about him constantly before and were surprised by my lack of enthusiasm about him. But not really that surprised, because he'd broken up with his ex of 2 years just months before we met, and they never really liked that.
He didn't get me anything for my birthday (or bother showing up), or Christmas, or New Year's, even though I told him pretty clearly how much it means to me. (He said he'd make it up to me by buying me something and he just doesn't, and when I remind him he buys a single chocolate and hands it over) He hasn't taken me out on any dates because they're boring, he'd rather just call me over and makeout on his trashy dorm bed.
It's not a money thing either. He buys plenty of booze and weed.
Communicate, they said. I did, multiple times. About how I felt he was just using me for his own pleasure. About how I wasn't ready for this. And he listens for the most, and tries improving -- though we go back to square one within days with his hands creeping up my shirt and down my pants.
But other than this, he's pretty good. He initiates conversation and calls, and supports me if I need him emotionally. He's protective and tells me about every female encounter he has.
But, I don't know if it's because I'm on the ace spectrum, or if he's rushing, but this entire physical intimacy thing is beginning to bother me. I feel weirdly disconnected from his touch, and don't feel like being emotionally vulnerable or writing paragraphs anymore.
Is this, like, an incompatibility or something...?
I think I might love him, because the idea of breaking up makes me sick.