Is this abuse?

[beyeengeeoh]

Can anyone tell me if the below is abuse please? I’m struggling to get my head around what’s happened and process it.

Accusing me of cheating for no reason
Getting upset about notifications on my phone, especially at night (who would be texting you at this time, it’s suspicious)
Getting upset about phone calls from unsaved number saying it is suspicious (was only buying a new car and car salesman phoning me)- I had to turn off notifications on my phone for this reason and withdrew from genuine friendships as was scared of his reaction
Telling me I have a loose vagina during sex and saying I must be cheating
Telling me I was a slag because I’d been on online dating sites before I met him
Watching me on cameras outside his house when he wasn’t there and phoning me as soon as I left (where are you going? What are you doing in the back garden? Etc. would say he just wanted to make sure I was safe). Wanting me to stay at his house all the time even when he was away, so he knew I was “safe”
Coercing? Me into taking the morning after pill on two occasions, saying he would leave if I didn’t. He attended the pharmacy with me both times and wouldn’t let me speak to the pharmacist alone. He checked my mouth at home to make sure I had swallowed it
Shouted at me and called me mental, unstable when I was pregnant with our baby (I never shouted at him, he just wanted me to have an abortion)
Having unprotected sex with another woman when I was pregnant, and then having sex with me without telling me. I had to have STI tests while heavily pregnant
Turning up at my house multiple times unannounced and sending gifts if I ever tried to cut contact with him
Writing me multiple long emails when I told him I did not want contact with him
Making threats against my job- saying he would cause trouble for me at work if I didn’t do as he said
Telling me my job and house aren’t good enough
Calling me fake, my hobbies are shit
Telling me I dress our child “poor”, and that I shouldn’t accept hand me down clothes despite me being the only one proving for our child and being on mat leave
When I finally claimed CMS, repeatedly telling me I had our child for money, and controlling/coercing me into cancelling the claim to prove otherwise and telling me he will go for 50/50 unless I do so
Calling me “childish, embarrassing” and telling me to “grow up” because I claimed child maintenance

That’s all I can think of right now but I’m sure there is more. Thank you.

Of course it is! Take a step back and think what you’d say if a friend told you her partner treated her this way. I’m glad you got away. I really do advise you to read up more around mental abuse and coercive control so that you can spot the signs in any future relationships. Unfortunately some of us are doomed to repeat the same mistakes if we are not aware of the early red flags.

He is a disgusting, abusive man OP.

Just leave him . Now.

Please read your own OP and think what advice you would give if someone else had written it. All credit to you for getting yourself and your DC out of this toxic situation.

I have left him. But I just feel like it’s lots of little things and maybe it’s not that bad, especially compared to what other people go through.

It sounds horrendous to me.

The person you're in a relationship is supposed to love you and want to make you happy. They're supposed to cherish you. It should come easily, naturally to be nice to you.

The person who says the kind of things you've listed doesn't even like you. He just wants to tear you down.

He threatened you, cheated on you, coerced you, made you take medication, stalked you, verbally and emotionally abused you.

How much bigger does it have to be?

He doesn't have to beat the shit out of you for it to be abuse.

I just don’t know if I’m being “dramatic” and these are normal ups and downs of a relationship. Like I can’t expect someone to be nice to me and perfect all the time. The worst I ever called him is “boring” though. I’m not a confrontational person and I wouldn’t say anything really nasty. My self esteem just feels shot now.
He used to I suppose “gaslight” me in lots of small ways like lie about where he was, say things then say he never said it. He’d also regularly break up with me or kick me out of his house for tribal reasons, like me not being chatty enough after a tough day at work and just wanting to sit and chill. And then he’d come begging days later saying he was sorry and loved me. I don’t get any of it.

OP you are not being dramatic, you are however in the circle of doubt that comes from being abused.

Can you look up Dr Ramini on youtube? she is excellent in explaining abusive behavior. I found her very helpful when I left my ex who was uncanny similar to yours.

But try not to put yourself down, he did enough of that and so find your worth again, but be happy you are free from this.

Oh I thought of some more.

Turning up at contact to collect our child then sending messages after saying I am “clearly dressed up” and asking where I am going and who with.

Accusing me of using “his” money (I.e child maintenance) to go on holiday with “another man”. This was simply untrue, it was a cheap 4 day break with just my child. Not that it’s his business but I’ve never dated or had another boyfriend, or had any men around my child.

Telling me that if I have child maintenance that it has to go in a bank account in our child’s name, so that he can check what it is spent on. Referring to the money as a “gift”.

The fact that you have to ask this is worrying in itself. Yes it's abuse. If you have to ask that, I'm not sure you even know what a normal, let alone loving relationship is.

The accusations of my phone ping let Eve/night would be enough for to leave let alone all the other bollocks

Agree with this.

OP - it’s worrying you’re minimising the fucking disgusting controlling abuse from this complete cunt as ‘normal’ and the ups and downs of a relationship. Not a single thing you’re posted is vaguely normal or healthy

What is your previous dating history that you’d go anywhere near this piece of shit?

Because I reported some of this to the police, actually quite a bit separately over a period of time and I just feel like it wasn’t that bad and I was being dramatic because nothing ever happened. Even when he was regularly contacting me when I had told him to stop, blocked him, emailing me saying he was going to come to my house nothing happened.

And I haven’t really dated much. And he wasn’t like that to begin with. It started with the questioning messages and phone calls but he’d say he was insecure due to being cheated on so I felt sorry for him, I thought when he saw I was loyal that things would be better.

None of that is 'normal' OP. I've had some of those things happen to me as well in my long ago now defunct marriage. Unfortunately all the accusations and suspicions can get in your head and you can feel that it must be your fault and things must surely get better, except they don't, they get worse. It's all part of the abuse, the abuser makes you feel like it's your fault, you are guilty and he wouldn't be like that if only you were different. But it's all lies. It takes some time to get over even once you have left the relationship behind.

My exh was very similar.. I once accompanied a disabled relative to a religious retreat abroad... He refused to pick me up from the airport.. My friend did instead (female) when she dropped me off he insisted she witness him checking my underwear for signs I had cheated...
Any nights out resulted in him inspecting me with a finger for signs I had been out having sex..
Your relationship is even worse than that imo
.... Maybe sign up for The freedom Programme op.
You need help staying away from this man.

I think you need to stay away from men for a long time until you've had therapy OP.

Making threats against my job- saying he would cause trouble for me at work if I didn’t do as he said

This alone would have been an instant dumping offence for a lot of women.

I got to here…

”Accusing me of cheating for no reason.
Getting upset about notifications on my phone”

Yes, yes it is abusive.

Even one or two of the things on your list alone would be abusive. There are dozens of abusive behaviours

Every single thing you have recounted here is horrific.
I felt sick reading it.
This man has degraded you, abused you and humiliated you in so many different ways.
What would be worse? Apart from a serious assault, rape or murdering you, I can’t think how it could be much worse.
So glad to hear you have left him you must be traumatised. You would definitely benefit from counselling.
So sorry you have been through this it is sickening to read.

I’ve said clearly that I’m not with him anymore. I’ve also said that I’m not having any other relationships, nor do I intend to it’s not my priority. Some of the language being used feels like it’s my fault it happened. He didn’t start off like this.

I was just asking as I’m trying to process it and I feel unsure of myself at times. He’s also seeking contact with our child through court after being absent for a long time and I’m unsure how to approach it if I need to disclose this. The thought of ever having to see him again or deal with this is making me really upset as it brings it all back.

It is abuse, I'm sorry, and you didn't deserve it. Look up videos on YouTube about surviving narcissistic abuse. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic/bullying/controlling person can cause long lasting trauma and ptsd so be gentle with yourself.

They are not little things. They are horrific awful things. I’m so glad you left. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Absolutely horrendous abuse OP. All of it. Not one of those things is normal in a healthy relationship and I'm so sorry you experienced that. Hugs.

Oh op do you really have to ask the question, please this is abuse and controlling behaviour,
Glad your away from him, keep things formal only don't engage in conversations with him when he's putting you down or bad mouthing you, just don't respond, while he get a response he is winning or still in control, stop him, don't feed his ego, keep to about child only and finance's for child,

He told me my pregnancy made him suicidal. Told me no man would want me with a baby (I don’t want anyone anyway but think this was just to break my self esteem a bit).

Sorry it feels good to write things down as I remember them. Thank you for everyone that’s been kind.