Is this abuse?

[beyeengeeoh]

Can anyone tell me if the below is abuse please? I’m struggling to get my head around what’s happened and process it.

Accusing me of cheating for no reason
Getting upset about notifications on my phone, especially at night (who would be texting you at this time, it’s suspicious)
Getting upset about phone calls from unsaved number saying it is suspicious (was only buying a new car and car salesman phoning me)- I had to turn off notifications on my phone for this reason and withdrew from genuine friendships as was scared of his reaction
Telling me I have a loose vagina during sex and saying I must be cheating
Telling me I was a slag because I’d been on online dating sites before I met him
Watching me on cameras outside his house when he wasn’t there and phoning me as soon as I left (where are you going? What are you doing in the back garden? Etc. would say he just wanted to make sure I was safe). Wanting me to stay at his house all the time even when he was away, so he knew I was “safe”
Coercing? Me into taking the morning after pill on two occasions, saying he would leave if I didn’t. He attended the pharmacy with me both times and wouldn’t let me speak to the pharmacist alone. He checked my mouth at home to make sure I had swallowed it
Shouted at me and called me mental, unstable when I was pregnant with our baby (I never shouted at him, he just wanted me to have an abortion)
Having unprotected sex with another woman when I was pregnant, and then having sex with me without telling me. I had to have STI tests while heavily pregnant
Turning up at my house multiple times unannounced and sending gifts if I ever tried to cut contact with him
Writing me multiple long emails when I told him I did not want contact with him
Making threats against my job- saying he would cause trouble for me at work if I didn’t do as he said
Telling me my job and house aren’t good enough
Calling me fake, my hobbies are shit
Telling me I dress our child “poor”, and that I shouldn’t accept hand me down clothes despite me being the only one proving for our child and being on mat leave
When I finally claimed CMS, repeatedly telling me I had our child for money, and controlling/coercing me into cancelling the claim to prove otherwise and telling me he will go for 50/50 unless I do so
Calling me “childish, embarrassing” and telling me to “grow up” because I claimed child maintenance

That’s all I can think of right now but I’m sure there is more. Thank you.

Your a good mum you walked away, he is nasty op, ignore him, he will continue to put you down while your react, remember your the better person by 100%, you for good by your child,
Don't let him break you,
What a nasty piece he is,
Keep all nasty txt, and if you need to show the police and get there advice,

Remember your the nice one, the adult one, doing right for you and children, keep strong 💪

It's not the normal ups and downs of a relationship.

What sort of relationships did you grow up seeing?

He referred to my best friend as “disgusting” as she has more than one father to her children (she got divorced and remarried. He said I shouldn’t associate myself with people like that.

And I haven’t spoken to him in a long time. The police gave him a verbal warning a long time ago. He still emails me crap but I have directed it to junk and ignore. But now he’s seeking contact with our child and I’m worried about having to deal with him as I have been trying to work past this. It brings it all back and I feel traumatised.

Of course it is and in your rational moments you know it. Have a look at this image if you’re doubting it. Please also complete the freedom programme. If your child is young enough the children’s centre can offer this. Alternatively you can complete it online, although you’ll benefit more in person.

My parents have always been together. They didn’t really ever show any affection, they argued sometimes but it wasn’t very often. Occasionally I heard my Dad call my mum names like btch or cnt which I think is awful but it was rare. They didn’t show each other affection like I’ve never seen them kiss or cuddle- equally they never kissed or cuddled us or told us they loved us. It wasn’t the happiest childhood but it wasn’t the worst.

You are not being dramatic, classic coercive control sounds like a hideous narcissist. I am so glad you’ve left him now. You have to learn to build up your confidence and realise all the crap you’ve been fed was designed to bring you down and make you doubt you’re very being ,Good luck healing be strong you will get
there 🍀

Definitely not normal ups and downs of a healthy relationship.

They are the ups and downs of a very abusive relationship. Women usually go back and leave on average 7 times before leaving for good, because they are persuaded by the nice times into thinking it’s normal, and just a blip and all relationships have them.

He's actually quite a dangerous man.
Stay away and , go no contact and don’t weaken and go back. He’ll only punish you for leaving and it will get worse.

Keep safe

Wow. And him cheating on you while you were pregnant was not disgusting in his eyes?

You could look into having third party hand-overs (friend or family member) or a contact centre, if he wants access.

You don't actually have to see him yourself. You can use co-parenting apps and limit contact as much as possible.

Oh and he is incapable of love. It’s about control. Power. Making himself feel important, clever, better than you, because he knows in his heart you are better than him, and so he has to drag you down.

A dangerous man, as I said.

He’d get very upset about me having male friends (only two actually that I’d met through my hobby and known for years), but it was perfectly fine for him to have lots of female friends that he referred to as his best friends. When our child was born he said that our child looked like the same ethnicity as one of my male friends (she doesn’t and never has btw)

He would go through my Instagram following list, check who had liked my photos and accuse me of cheating with various random people. I barely use social media it was ridiculous.

Bless you OP, you are doing well. Don’t doubt yourself, the best gift you can give your child is to model yourself as a a strong loving parent. He is so damaged and flawed that he’s trying to undermine you. Don’t let him. Stay strong x

He said that was my fault because I “pushed him away” by “removing his choices” (by keeping the baby when he was clear he didn’t want me to. Maybe I was wrong for that but I love my child”.

When I cried about what happened when I found out he would just tell me to shut up, stop crying and told me “it was unfair” and that I was “making him feel bad”.

He’d use “unfair” a lot. When our baby was little I was at home one evening and I had an injury which required medical treatment. I’d spoken to him 10 mins before this happened so knew he was available. I phoned him and asked him to help me by looking after our child (he’s dad afterall so was first port of call) so I could go to hospital and not have to sit up there for potentially hours with a baby. He berated me and made me feel so guilty, he did come though. I needed stitches so I clearly wasn’t being dramatic. But he berated me for days over it, calling me dramatic and saying how unfair it was on him, that he was “tired”, it would have been fine without stitches and even his mate said so. That I’d chosen to have the baby so it was unfair of me to ask him anything.

Oh OP this is just like a textbook of all the forms domestic abuse can take, I'm sorry that happened to you...and sorry you still have your abuser harassing you over child maintenance and visitation

It's abuse. Controlling, verbally abusive, critical, gaslighting you etc are all signs of abuse. The man is one big huge walking red flag. Please seek some professional therapy to help you, not only recognise abusive behaviour but to build your self-esteem too. Use a parenting app (I'm sure the lovely ladies on here can recommend one) to contact you child's Dad. Block him on any other form of contact. You don't need to engage regarding anything else other than your child. What you do, who you see etc is none of his business. Do you have any formal arrangements in place for him to have access to your child?

There’s doubt in your mind about this being abusive? Yes this is abusive.
stay and he’ll reduce you to a shadow.

Ask friend to help you draw up a time line of the abuse
. Bullet point things your friend deems 'serious' as I fear you won't be able to decide this.
Ring the police and ask if a female officer can come and see you with regard to making a complaint of coercive control.
Op you need to make a rock solid case against h to keep yourself and your dc safe.
Confide in family to gain more support... They won't judge..

I already went to the police, as I said quite a few times. They referred me for a non-mol but I couldn’t afford to pay for it. Police said it’s hard to prove coercive control and it would be unlikely to go anywhere, as he wasn’t stopping me from leaving the house or anything to that degree, I had a job, my own bank account etc.

I don’t have any family anywhere nearby to act as 3rd party. His family obviously aren’t on my side.

There is no formal contact and he’s not on the north certificate but he’s seeking all of that now. I don’t want him around me or my child, I don’t want him back in our life but I know I won’t be able to stop it. Having to even think of him and the thought of having to see him again potentially feels horrific to me.

Christ, what a pathetic manchild!

I mean one or two of those things would be enough but when you write it all down like that surely you can see he is a piece of shit? Control, personal insults, cheating, threats, manipulation. It makes for very depressing reading and you need to run not walk away as soon as you can.

Anyone commenting negatively on my vagina ,won't be ever getting near it again..and that was as far reading,,as I got to know ,this man is not a nice or good man

I don’t think you are dramatic enough.

What a horrible, horrible man and what a terrifying way of treating another person.

You might also find it helpful to contact Women's Aid and talk to them about what happened and how you can deal with child contact going forward. Do you have supportive friends and or family?

Great news he isn't on the birth certificate.. A judge would want dna testing before any case... And he would have to pay. Will he pay for a solicitor and testing? Bloody doubt it.. Don't agree to any mediation. It's isn't recommended with abusive people.. Send all his emails to spam and block him for now.

Could you move away nearer your family?

While he doesn't have parental responsibility etc.

I don't know but you might qualify for legal aid for the non-mol, did the police suggest that?

It sounds like moving nearer your family might not be helpful, you need supportive people around you. Do you work? How old is DC?