Is this abuse?

[beyeengeeoh]

Can anyone tell me if the below is abuse please? I’m struggling to get my head around what’s happened and process it.

Accusing me of cheating for no reason
Getting upset about notifications on my phone, especially at night (who would be texting you at this time, it’s suspicious)
Getting upset about phone calls from unsaved number saying it is suspicious (was only buying a new car and car salesman phoning me)- I had to turn off notifications on my phone for this reason and withdrew from genuine friendships as was scared of his reaction
Telling me I have a loose vagina during sex and saying I must be cheating
Telling me I was a slag because I’d been on online dating sites before I met him
Watching me on cameras outside his house when he wasn’t there and phoning me as soon as I left (where are you going? What are you doing in the back garden? Etc. would say he just wanted to make sure I was safe). Wanting me to stay at his house all the time even when he was away, so he knew I was “safe”
Coercing? Me into taking the morning after pill on two occasions, saying he would leave if I didn’t. He attended the pharmacy with me both times and wouldn’t let me speak to the pharmacist alone. He checked my mouth at home to make sure I had swallowed it
Shouted at me and called me mental, unstable when I was pregnant with our baby (I never shouted at him, he just wanted me to have an abortion)
Having unprotected sex with another woman when I was pregnant, and then having sex with me without telling me. I had to have STI tests while heavily pregnant
Turning up at my house multiple times unannounced and sending gifts if I ever tried to cut contact with him
Writing me multiple long emails when I told him I did not want contact with him
Making threats against my job- saying he would cause trouble for me at work if I didn’t do as he said
Telling me my job and house aren’t good enough
Calling me fake, my hobbies are shit
Telling me I dress our child “poor”, and that I shouldn’t accept hand me down clothes despite me being the only one proving for our child and being on mat leave
When I finally claimed CMS, repeatedly telling me I had our child for money, and controlling/coercing me into cancelling the claim to prove otherwise and telling me he will go for 50/50 unless I do so
Calling me “childish, embarrassing” and telling me to “grow up” because I claimed child maintenance

That’s all I can think of right now but I’m sure there is more. Thank you.

Yes, with domestic abuse, you should be able to get legal aid.

You could talk to the Rights of Women for advice.

This

Do you think he is seeking child contact as a way of controlling you?
I don't know why he has such an unhealthy obsession with you. I have experienced the abuse you have.
If he were to have your dc for a couple of hours, he would spend that time imagining you going out and having fun. When you collected your dc he would accuse you of being with a man.
He will invent reasons to contact you at all hours. Accusing you of having a man in your house. That he is just checking up as he is worried about his child.

I had all this and more. It only stopped when he went abroad to work.
Could you perhaps move really far away before it gets to court? Don't tell anyone, change your name?
You cannot reason with this type. No logic or truth or proof is ever enough, ever.
It is really worrying he is still keeping tabs on you @beyeengeeoh

Do the freedom programme

Moving away isn’t an option, I can’t go into the reasons without being outing but my family live really, really far away. I have a good job here, I own my house and I have a small group of supportive friends. My ex already lives a significant distance away, the best part of 2 hours.

I tried to get legal aid for the non-molestation order and was assessed but unfortunately I have too much equity in my home. Which is lucky and unlucky I suppose. With my maternity leave etc I have minimal savings and I was told it was cost 4.5k if he disputed it (which I know he would). I just didn’t have that money at the time for what would be a temporary measure as well.

He will absolutely have the money for court and a solicitor, he has a decent job.

I actually started this when I was pregnant with the help of professionals. But I had a high risk pregnancy and was very stressed/upset and wasn’t able to complete it. And then I ended up getting back with him, which I’m ashamed of. I do need to do it again.

Yes it’s abuse. No you’re not being dramatic.

if you’re struggling internally about the trauma of this emotional and mental abuse, you can contact confidential counselling services or even charities like women’s aid for advise or support

It takes most people several attempts to leave an abusive partner, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. It's not something they will judge you for, it's quite common.

You're doing well, you got out. 👏

Seek some support from them, to help you stay out of it and for what lies ahead if he's determined to have contact with your child.

It was definitely abuse of the worst kind. He may not have used physical violence but he put your health and your baby's health at risk by having unprotected sex with another woman and then having unprotected sex with you while you were pregnant.

He sounds like a gaslighting narcissist and an obsessive stalker. Many of the things that he has done are actually crimes and if he is still doing these things now that you have split up, you should report him to the police.

@beyeengeeoh - it’s great you’re no longer with him. There are ways of seriously abusing someone which don’t involve hitting them or shouting at them. What you describe is horrendously abusive. Women have been driven to suicide by the kind of thing you describe and without their vicious abuser ever laying a finger on them. In my view, their abuser still murdered them.

Unfortunately, your parents were quite poor relationship role models so you mistakenly thought types of behaviour which were unacceptable were normal. That’s not your fault at all but it does mean you need to re-educate yourself. Btw, the people who are quickest to make accusations of cheating are often the cheats because they’re judging everyone by their own shitty standards.

Btw: you don’t need to pay for a non-mol. There’s no application fee. If you’re still interested, speak to the NCDV who will handle your case for free and pass you on to a law firm which will do the work pro bono. You would represent yourself in court (the process is designed for that) but they would prepare the paperwork for you.

I was wondering, if he isn't on the birth certificate, even if he did a DNA testing, that still wouldn't give him parental responsibilities and rights, no?

It's a lot of very bad, abusive things. Well done on leaving him!

None of this is normal. Just leave him

You are a strong woman and a good mum.

He is awful. He tried everything to break you and he failed.

Men like this want to see you crawling back begging, and they try new tactics when they see you are actually flying away stronger than ever.

He probably won't sustain contact unless he has lined up a new woman to do the parenting. Let your friends support you while you ride out his latest desperate attempt.

It's definitely abuse and you have gotten so used to trying to defend yourself in this relationship, that you're still doing it now that it's over.
When he accuses you of holidaying with another man, either say nothing or better still, say yes and that you're really looking forward to a few days away with someone who treats you well. It's not his business and by trying to defend yourself against the accusation, you're giving weight to his unreasonable grievance. This is how he manages to maintain control over you. Don't allow him to have any.

Every single bit of it is abusive. No you are absolutely not being dramatic. And no, the fact that some people go through worse does not mean it wasn't horrible and abusive. You should be comparing his behaviour with the behaviour of a normal, good, kind, respectful partner, not with that of a man who's even worse than him.

keep yourself safe he sounds v dangerous
protect your child from this man
keep all contact from him in your junk folder and keep detailed records of all contact with him

well done for getting out , I am worried for you he sounds deranged

Yes we had a DNA test through CMS which I found absolutely humiliating, there was no other option for the Father at all, I was always loyal. But I understand it was his right to ask for it and I suppose it stopped him from throwing that insult around.

He doesn’t have parental responsibility at the moment but I think that’s what he will be taking me to court for as part of a CAO, to get his name on the birth certificate.

For what it’s worth, when we were together in this sh*tty relationship I did offer to sort it with him and get his name on there but he always declined, or put it off. So he did have the opportunity if he wanted it.

He did shout at me, but not very often. That was mainly during the pregnancy when he was angry that I was continuing it. When our baby was born it was when he was angry about the CMS thing.
Once he shouted at me and berated me in a shopping centre about the CMS and stormed off leaving me crying with our baby. I was shaking so much that it took me over 2 hours to be able to drive home again. I had to speak to my Mum on the phone to be able to calm down.

Oh and it was NCDV that I got referred to for a non-mol. The solicitor that they referred me to assessed me for legal aid and I wasn’t eligible. I was told this after all the trauma of doing the statement, I found difficult talking about everything. I wish I had the money to follow it through.

Do you have records (text messages, emails, voice mails) of him saying he didn't want a child and things like that?

The problem with a lot of abuse is the way it messes with your judgement and makes you question if what you are experiencing IS abuse. Your confidence, ability to look after yourself, believe you deserve better, can become gradually eroded, to the point you are left questioning your response rather than the behaviour of the abuser.

Well done for getting out . I didn’t leave for years and years as my ex had convinced me I’d never manage without him. And I believed him. It was only when he did something so bad, that I did leave and funnily enough it turned out I can manage very well without him.

Whatever support you can get from friends, your family if you nave a good relationship with them, women’s aid etc, I’d get. Your health and safety and your DCs come first. All emails etc in junk or block him. You are so strong and are doing amazingly well.

The fact he shagged someone else while you were pregnant despite going on about you cheating is all you need to know. I can't see what you're struggling to get your head round in all honesty.

But cheating in itself isn’t abuse, just shitty behaviour.

I guess what I struggle with most is the question of if it was just a doomed relationship with two people who weren’t right for each other- otherwise all these things wouldn’t have happened right? Or is it actually abusive?

FWIW like I mentioned previously I’ve never been nasty to him in any way, so it wasn’t volatile in that sense.

It is clearly abuse. How long were you with him? Is he older than you?