Is this abuse?

[beyeengeeoh]

Can anyone tell me if the below is abuse please? I’m struggling to get my head around what’s happened and process it.

Accusing me of cheating for no reason
Getting upset about notifications on my phone, especially at night (who would be texting you at this time, it’s suspicious)
Getting upset about phone calls from unsaved number saying it is suspicious (was only buying a new car and car salesman phoning me)- I had to turn off notifications on my phone for this reason and withdrew from genuine friendships as was scared of his reaction
Telling me I have a loose vagina during sex and saying I must be cheating
Telling me I was a slag because I’d been on online dating sites before I met him
Watching me on cameras outside his house when he wasn’t there and phoning me as soon as I left (where are you going? What are you doing in the back garden? Etc. would say he just wanted to make sure I was safe). Wanting me to stay at his house all the time even when he was away, so he knew I was “safe”
Coercing? Me into taking the morning after pill on two occasions, saying he would leave if I didn’t. He attended the pharmacy with me both times and wouldn’t let me speak to the pharmacist alone. He checked my mouth at home to make sure I had swallowed it
Shouted at me and called me mental, unstable when I was pregnant with our baby (I never shouted at him, he just wanted me to have an abortion)
Having unprotected sex with another woman when I was pregnant, and then having sex with me without telling me. I had to have STI tests while heavily pregnant
Turning up at my house multiple times unannounced and sending gifts if I ever tried to cut contact with him
Writing me multiple long emails when I told him I did not want contact with him
Making threats against my job- saying he would cause trouble for me at work if I didn’t do as he said
Telling me my job and house aren’t good enough
Calling me fake, my hobbies are shit
Telling me I dress our child “poor”, and that I shouldn’t accept hand me down clothes despite me being the only one proving for our child and being on mat leave
When I finally claimed CMS, repeatedly telling me I had our child for money, and controlling/coercing me into cancelling the claim to prove otherwise and telling me he will go for 50/50 unless I do so
Calling me “childish, embarrassing” and telling me to “grow up” because I claimed child maintenance

That’s all I can think of right now but I’m sure there is more. Thank you.

Cheating is abuse - it’s risking your sexual and emotional wellbeing.

It’s also removing your informed consent to a monogamous relationship.

It’s absolutely part of the abuse cycle. Sadly it seems this man has worn you down so much that you can’t see the wood fit the trees as regards what’s normal and what’s clear abusive.

These men always start out lovely because if they showed who they were from the start, no one would touch them with a ten foot pole.

It’s the boiled frog analogy with abuse. It starts slowly and gradually gets worse but you get so used to the behaviour, you start yo accept it as normality when it’s anything but.

3 years and no, we are about the same age.

Why does it matter if its classed as abuse or not though? I don't think abusers think, oh I'm going to do x y & z today to upset their partner. It's just they act in ways that get them what they want in terms of their partner enhancing their life, be it as a whipping boy, financial provider, willing slave.
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and in your case it very clearly isn't.

Because I’m going to be going to family court, and I don’t want to bring up abuse if it isn’t and make myself look dramatic or mental.

If you’re going to court and want to be able to speak confidently about what abuse you suffered and how it may have impacted your child the best thing you can do is sign up for the freedom programme again asap.

Tbh and very honest a judge won't care what sort of bf he was...
Imo best bet is to appear to support a relationship between him and dc if it's initially supervised in a contact centre... Parental alienation is a thing. Even against a twat.
He will be monitored...
His reaction to likely an upset dc who doesn't know him will be very telling . Will he remain calm? Will he agree to supervised? his reactions will tell a judge if his intentions are honest or an avenue to continue to abuse you.. I would report him for the abuse you suffered again in more detail. Laws are updated all the time.

What did the NCDV say about it?

I personally wouldn't talk about the cheating if you will be talking about his abusive behaviour, but the rest of it - especially the stuff about being forced to take MAP are very clear examples of coercive abusive behaviour.

You really need to get support from your local domestic abuse services going forward.

It's abuse, without doubt. He sounds absolutely vile.

Framing abuse as abuse is not dramatic or mental. He's made you doubt yourself so much that your thinking is flawed. In addition to doing the Freedom Programme, please contact Women's Aid for support.

You've done really well to end this relationship. Give yourself credit for that 💐

Yes I thought they won’t care about what kind of boyfriend he was. That’s why I don’t know if it’s worth bringing it up. Although when he was having contact he was making it very unpleasant for me previously, I really don’t want contact with him again.

I do have some concerns relating to our child too but I didn’t want to put them here incase it is outing.

NCDV must have thought it was abuse as they referred me to a solicitor, I guess but I don’t know how they work.

If you feel abused, it’s abuse. If you’re questioning it, it’s abuse. If he deliberately makes you feel like shit, it’s abuse. Please leave him asap. If you don’t have kids then just leave. Please.

it is 100% abuse and you should bring this up when you go to court because it will help your case. I’m very glad to read that you’ve left that relationship as i was concerned at first that you were still together. I feel for you i really do. this can’t be easy at all. I would keep evidence of every phone call every text every email and use that in court. it will prove what type of person he is and may work in your favour in terms of maybe getting a restraining order against him. you owe him nothing at this point and he’s put you through hell…time to get tough.

I just don’t know if I’m being “dramatic” and these are normal ups and downs of a relationship

No.

They are not.

I would show everything you have remembered to whoever is helping you and perhaps to women's aid, if they're not involved yet.

I think it would be best to do all communication through a co parenting app or at the very least email.

And perhaps have handovers done by a family member.

Also stop answering his questions and comments and defending yourself. You're none of his business. Nothing you do is any of his business.

Well op, sometimes the easiest way to see something clearly is to imagine your friend or sister or mum etc were telling you this was what their partner/ex partner did ......

What would you think, and say to them?

"I do have some concerns relating to our child too but I didn’t want to put them here incase it is outing*

Make sure you tell women's aid and whoever's helping you.

Yes it is

As pp have said, none of his behaviour is normal.
He is highly abusive. I’m glad you are no longer with him. Never go back, never ever doubt you did the right thing by leaving.

While they won't really focus on the abuse to you in relation to contact unless it is also on the child you should bring it up in relation to handover and have communication over a parenting app only

Yes that’s what I thought. The only way I can really correlate what he did to me to our child is that I saw him exhibiting similar behaviours- negative comments on child’s appearance, clothing, “I hope child isn’t ugly”, “I hope child doesn’t take after you”, sexualised comments towards child. There are some other things but I can’t say due to be really outing. This is just in the very limited time he was around as well.

Yes he is absolutely abusive. I would suggest phoning womens aid and asking them for advice about him? That's what I did and it was made clear I was experiencing abusive behaviour.
Having an abusive partner or ex is so so confusing. I think it's hard for people to grasp that unless you've been through it! It's not black and white during or after the abuse and the whole "just leave", "why didn't you just leave" "didn't you see the red flags" "I'd have walked", "i wouldn't have put up with that" etc is such a dangerous narrative. It's confusing and it's so hard to process. Please get some support of you can to work through any feelings you have about it.