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Original poster

Husband just told me he loves me but not in love with me and it hurst so much.

76 replies

mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 14:55

I dont know what to do. The pain is so bad. I love him so much and i desperatley want it to work.But i cant make him love me can i? Why am i always the one loves too much. Even my father left me and chose his lover over his children.

I feel so un loved, un wanted and i just hurt.

Has anyone been through this and worked it out.?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 15:00

I should never have asked. Ive been making jokes for days about him never being in the mood and never in a million years did i expect this bombshell

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piratecat · 17/05/2008 15:01

just had to give you a virtual hug.

Just wondered how old he is. you are. I have been thru the same, and found that these words were very commonly used in situations where things had got stale. Or when major things had happened and rocked the foundations of a relationship.

Its devastating, but if both parties are stil wanting to make a go of it, then help is out there.

Maybe relate, or other counselling, to get a better ideaof what it going on with the dynamic of your marriage?

Unfortunately, my dh said this, and left that day, so i didn't get a chance.

sorry if thats not what u wish to hear.

piratecat · 17/05/2008 15:02

I asked mine too. You ask for a reason.

i said 'whats wrong, don'tr you love me anymore' and he said no.

NotABanana · 17/05/2008 15:02

Make both of you a drink and sit down with him and talk.

Sorry for you going through this.

FWIW A few years ago I didn't know if I still loved my husband (he had done nothing wrong) but we are strong now and are fine.

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 15:07

Thank you pirate cat for ans.

We are both 40. Weve had it tough with all the kids and miscarriages and just general life has distantced us but we have been working on that and i thought things were getting back on track.

He says weve become just good friends and he respects all that i do, thinks im wonderfull bla bla bla BUT doesnt think he can give me the love, passion that i deserve.

Ive grilled and grilled if there is anyone else but he swears there isnt. Ive suggested counselling and for him to leave so he can have some space and think as he says he needs to get his head straight and work out exactley what he wants before we can move on.But he doesnt want to do that. he now wont stop cuddling and apologising me but that hurts even more. Ive sent him out in the garden so we can have some space.

I needed to talk to some one but cant face real life friends with this

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Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 15:09

Weve been talking for over an hour, Well crying mostley

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cadelaide · 17/05/2008 15:22

Nothing wrong with being "just good friends" imo.

"love"....."in love"....just words that mean diff things to diff people.

Stick with it, if you can. You've been through a lot and I bet with a bit of effort the sex will come back.

Do you still like one another, it sounds as though you do and there's a lot to be said for that. Couldn't this be just a phase?
I can't imagine anyone has decade after decade of passion. How wearisome that would be.

brightongirldownunder · 17/05/2008 15:22

Hey there

I was on the other side recently and told my DH that I felt we'd become just friends. It was actually the best thing to happen as we'd become very lazy with one another and very nearly separated. We did loads of talking and also tried to reignite the feelings we had for one another pre baby. It seems to have worked. Don't lose hope.
Its the worst feeling in the world to face the end of a relationship, but keep talking. I'm sure you'll find a solution.
Big hug to you. x

cadelaide · 17/05/2008 15:24

Sorry about your Dad.

Remember, your DH has told you he loves you.

cadelaide · 17/05/2008 15:25

That's it brightongirl, that's just it.

He loves you mrsm, this doesn't have to mean the end.

piratecat · 17/05/2008 15:28

i am glad u r talking, this needs to be happening, and I am hopeful that you can see a way thru.

Its better that this is happening, it will alow you to re asses, and value what you have.

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 15:37

Yes he still likes me. I pointed out all my bad points to him but he says thats not it. I feel if there was somthing id done or do then it would be easier.

Your mesages are so touching, brightongirldownunder, you have given me hope.

Could it be mid life crisis?

I want to ask him to move out for a while so he has the space to think and sort out what he wants. Is this a good idea or not do you think?

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piratecat · 17/05/2008 15:41

no i don't think it's a good idea. i know its only my perspective and that is all I have exp of. I just think, talking, or going somewhere to talk, is more helpful.

I told mine to go, even tho i was devastated, i just thought 'well, if you feel like that about 'us', you can sod off and think' but he never came home, and it gave the demonic, childish side of him free reign to go and get stoned, and pretend at being a teenager!!!

I know your dh is not mine, but sometimes it doesn't work to be apart, becuase you need to talk.

cadelaide · 17/05/2008 15:46

No, don't push him away. And don't point out your "bad points" either.

There's that old chestnut "How can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself?"

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 15:54

Ok i wont. I did mention it earlier but he said there was no where for him to go so i wont push it. I just want him to be able to sort his head out but i guess it will take time.

He says im doing nothing wrong and its all him. Ive heard that a few times in my life though as we all prob have.

I have really started to like myself again, my old confidence is peepig through and it helped that things have been good between me and Dh apart from the lack of sex. We wont get chance to talk again till tonght as 3 kids 5 and under running about. its hard to keep this brave face on infront of the kids when i feel as if ive been kicked in the stomach.

He's asked me to go out and garden, with him but i think hes best on his own to think!

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Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 15:56

I think the depth of my emotions shocked him though. I havnt cried like that since i lost my babies

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justdidntthink · 17/05/2008 16:01

We had a relationship crisis a while back and my husband wasn't sure how he felt. He too said he loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me. We talked, I cried and we decided we both wanted to try to get things right again. It has been tough at times but about three weeks ago he told me that whilst he was still not certain how he felt, he was much more positive about us and said that I had provoked feelings in him that he had forgotten he could feel. Last week he told me that he does love me, that he is 'in love' with me and has apologised for the hurt he caused me originally. Things are so much better now, he is very affectionate, initiates lovemaking more often (and it is lovemaking, not just sex)and generally I really do think we are over the bump so to speak. We are slightly older than you, so I wonder if you have got stale, as we did? we had sort of forgotten to work at keeping our relationship fresh and loving, but trust me, I don't think either of us is going to let that happen again. Maybe you both need to work on showing how much you do love each other and maybe, yes, he will fall in love with you again. But you both have to want it and work at it. We sound so alike, I too had a series of miscarriages, came from a broken home. I also lack self confidence because I am very overwieght, but I am doing something about that and he still wants me even before I get to my goal. ( good job cos that is at least a year away!) I can only wish you luck and say that if you both want it, it CAN be saved.

cadelaide · 17/05/2008 16:07

"3 kids 5 and under running about..."

Nobody fancies sex with that going on, honestly, just read some of the "how often do you have sex?" threads on here.

I really do believe that if you give it some time you'll get that spark back. Do you respect one another, that's important I think? It sounds to me as though you do.

Grief does funny things too. A friend lost her Dad recently, shortly afterwards she left her DH saying she wanted more passion in her life.

She regrets it now.

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 16:13

justdidntthink. Im happy you have got through it and yes we do sound very very similar. My wieght issues are a polar opposite though, and this wont help as i really cant face food at the moment.

The main thing we need to sort out is wether he wants to try and get all those feelings back. Ive asked him and he says he doesnt know as yet as doesnt know what he wants.thats why i want to give him some breathing space. he does however agree that we have alot more to gain through trying than not.

But i am firm on this, he has to want to try. I wont make him otherwise i will never be completeley sure he really wants me. Do you understand what i mean by that.

Lest just hope he does want it as much as i do.

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Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 16:16

Cadelaide. he says he has nothing but respect for all that i do and all that im trying to do. As in making an effort with the marriage, looking after the kids, going back to college and helping out at the school.

He does a hell of alot too. He is in no means a lazy husband, does alot with the kids, sometimes i feel more than me. Hes a great dad and i feel maybe he is under pressure to keep everything right a work and everything right at home.

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Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 16:29

and now the youngest has just pooed all over the floor and its not a firm one iyswim. Yuk Yuk. Normally i would shout Dh to help me but i think ill just deal with this one

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pixiepip · 17/05/2008 16:56

To my mind being "in love"lasts about 6 months or at most 2 years- did you know that psychologists have proved that "being in love" doesn't last? Don't take it as an insult- what your H is feeling is normal!

Is he saying he wants out of the marriage, or just that what you had changes- which is quite normal.

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 17:18

He's not saying he wants out of the marriage, and hes not saying he wants anything to change, he just says he doesn't know what he wants so that doesn't help me at all really.

He's mentioned pressures of work and giving me all that i deserve, but thats more emotional giving not material giving.

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ivykaty44 · 17/05/2008 17:27

Sorry if I am talking out of turn - but does he have too high an expectation of love, some people tend to think the first flush of love feelings should stay for ever - they rarely do and love evolves into something else.

Perhaps this is really what is confussing him, life and love grow and change and this is his time of love changing.

I feel like giving him a good shake for you, he has this wonderful loving wife and he can't see the blardy wood for the trees.

hugs for you

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 17:44

No not talking out of turn at all. You have a very valid point.

One thing he did say was all we talk about are the kids. So thats one thing we can work on.

We will talk again later hopefully. Ill let you know tomorrow how we get on.

Thanks everyone for helping me through this afternoon. I dont feel as fragile as i did earlier although dont any one say anything nice or im likeley to cry xxxxxx

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