Husband just told me he loves me but not in love with me and it hurst so much.

[mrsmaddyd]

I dont know what to do. The pain is so bad. I love him so much and i desperatley want it to work.But i cant make him love me can i? Why am i always the one loves too much. Even my father left me and chose his lover over his children.

I feel so un loved, un wanted and i just hurt.

Has anyone been through this and worked it out.?

Rather than having a trail seperation, think about a trail doing things for yourself.

By this I mean new things e.g. college course or new hobby going out once at least a week and being with other people doing something that interests you, try for two times a week. Leaving the children with dp - do things seperatly with the dc aswell, bike rides swimming etc rather than althogether as a family.

Weekends doing sperate things then coming together and having an eve meal aropund 8.30 over a bottle of wine and a chat with kids in bed.

You may find spending less time together - makes for better quality time together when you are together.

I would also if in your shoes go for a bit of a make over. Hair nails clothes, go and see cod in style and beauty for some help. it will boost your confidence which I bet is low right now xx

It does all sound so very fixable. We all put so much effort into our pesky children and it is so easy to forget about ourselves and our relationship.

God i hope so, i really do xxx if he says he wants it to work then it will work, i just cant stand this him not knowing what he wants.

Bump

My initial thought is that long lasting relationships do go through spells of loving without being in love, you work through it and then the spark may reignite.

I can so identify with what you are going through and my heart does go out to you so lots of hugs, dh and I split last year there were issues (no one else involved) however he told me that he didn't love me, one thing I would suggest is don't get him to move out but to give him some space if that makes sense, I would suggest a book called I love you but i'm not in love with you (relate counsellor wrote it) think Andrew G Marshall and its fantastic, quite often when you've been with someone a long time you neglect each other, focus on you and your children and let him see the you again that he fell in love with.

Please don't feel like you have to point out your faults because everyone has them including him no doubt! Get yourself to relate even if its alone to start with. My dh and I almost divorced (infact I had signed the papers) now we are working things through so don't give up hope. Does sound like a mid life crisis if you don't mind me saying so tho. I hope things improve for you

My heart aches every time I read a thread like this and there are so many on here and so many of us going through or have been through some extremely tough time, I love the solidarity between us women tho

How about tryng to view it as one of the "downs" in the "ups and downs" people always talk about with regard to marriage. The good news is that he does love you. That could surely see you both through this patch, if you're both committed to the idea of marriage "til death do us part." Give him some space (but not too much), and keep the lines of communication open.... but how about each of you taking a bit of time out in turn? NOT by one of you moving out (bad idea, I think) but days/evenings out separately? It might help you each gain a lttle perspective.
By the way, I might be dense, but I've never really understood what people mean by love/in love. I've heard it on TV/films hundreds of times, but what does it actually mean? I think it's become a bit of a cliche really.

Hes putting kids to bed now so we will be alone together soon. I want to talk but im dreading it to iyswim.

He want to get a chinese like we always do on a Sat.I desperatley want to reach out to him but am scared of the rejection.
Have you any advice on what i should or shouldnt say?

Forgot to say we fly out on Holiday next Sun. I plan to be as happy and carefree as poss as this really could be the make or break i suppose. I think he may be worrying about the work he needs to do before we go and wether he will have everything done in time so that wont help how he feels.

Well we had an early night. he was cuddling me and saying sorry for all the hurt hes caused. he fell asleep but i couldnt and spent the night torturing myself looking at photos
then at 3.30 i checked his phone and BOMBSHELL
a text from his work colleuge saying 'love you x)
my world fell apart for the second time, i woke him and he said its not what i think,nothings happened but yes he does have strong feelings for her but they both know nothing can ever happen
so at 4.40 this morning i was wandering aimlessley round the woods as had to get away and i phoned her.
The thing is she was nice and i understand why this has happened. They have grown close at work and me kicking and screaming is not going to change anything.
Ive just got in and hes been worried sick, ive told him ive talked to her and he has to decide what and who he wants. So hes gone for a drive to clear his head. i said he could go to her if thats what he wanted but he doesnt even know where she lives.

I feel strangley calm. Nothing can hurt me anymore, ive been destroyed emotionally

Try to be calm- you haven't been destroyed. This is not nice, but it is possible to get your H back- not that he's gone anywhere yet.
This sounds like a flirtation. From what you said yesterday, it sounds as if your marriage has gone stale- very common- and he is flirting- but it may well be totally harmless.

You need to go for counselling as a couple. Phone relate tomorrow and book yourselves in. if he won't go, go by yourself.

You need to be calm and strong. he won't throw away a marriage and kids so easily- believe me.

Don't become a victim- stand up for yourself.

Don't think of this as the end of your marriage, but as the start of putting it right.

Be strong.

just an extra- don't go phoning or visiting this woman- she is not worth that much attention-she isn't that important and you will just cheapen yourself and look desperate. She is a SYMPTOM of what is not working in your marriage. Don't make her into something she isn't. Forget her and work on your husband's feelings.

he obviously hasn't been honest with you and please don't think that you're the one that has to do all of the work to save your marriage. you've been up to your neck with the three under five and he's been feeling a bit ignored? oh poor dh.

you have my sympathy - this (more or less) happened to me. he left us for her, even though i did the 'what do you want?' chat, he eventually chose her/freedom over us/commitment. (then he left her, but thats a nother story) please don't think it's all your fault or you're being dull and talking about the kids all the time. give yourself a shake, start thinking about what you want, rather than what he wants and what will be best for you and the children instead of indulging your dh. all this 'they both know nothing can happen' is just a way of making you feel somehow grateful that he hasn't slept with her.

I'm really !!

pixiep says some good stuff, and persephone's right too, it's not your fault.

I'm so sorry to hear about the text. At least I knew there were no skeletons in my husbands closet when we had out problem. It's one thing to work closely with someone, but quite another for them to send that kind of text message. The fact that he didn't even have the sense to delete it suggests that either: it really doesn't mean anything and is just a flirtation,( but not harmless, no flirtation between a married person and a.n. other can be truly harmless) or that he actually wanted you to find it to make it easier for him to do whatever he decides to do. After all, how much easier is it for him to blame it all on you being 'suspicious' and driving him away, rather than accepting that his actions in beginning a relationship with someone else whilst you are slogging your guts out to look after the children, are despicable in the extreme! Only you will know what is the most likely scenario with your husband. I just get so mad when I read about this kind of situation wher the men manage to suck out all the self confidence from their wives/partners and then make them feel guilty because the husband turns out to be a complete ar*e!
Be strong, whatever he says when he gets home from the drive. If he says he wants to put things right between you, make sure that he doesn't get to dictate all the terms so to speak!

morning mrsmaddyd.

God what a night you have had. I agree with persephonesnape, that its not you who has to do all the work here.

I nkow that you must want to be able to portray yourself as perfect etc, but its not totally what this is about.

I am sorry. When my dh left, others said months later that perhaps he had had a flirtation that brought everything to a head. I still don't know. Yet it is very hard to understand.

hope you are ok.

mrsmaddyd -you poor thing.

Reading the earlier posts made me realise that though I love my DH, I am not IN love with him. He's done so many awful things recently that if I was in a posititon I could leave i would.

I think yours is so much worse, esp if he has told you how he feels, prmises he's with you, then you find someone else is involved. I wouldn't contact her again. It doesn't make it any easier. You have done the right thing, asking him to make up his mind. All your talking will hopefully have made him realise the difference between long term love, and lust for someone else.

When you start, in your head thinking about the whole |"inlove/ loving" someone, it is posible to over think it, and talk yourself into a situation. The more you think you are not in love, the more desparate it gets, and then you think you want to feel that feeling again. I'm nottrying to justify what he has done/ said to this other woman - but a casual flirtation can get exagerated (by him, not you, I hope you understand).

the reality should be that he will realise that this is nothign more than a flirtation that has got out of hand, and that he belongs with you.

"Both know nothing can happen" is just a way of saying that nothing has happened so far. It means it's on their mind.

Personally, when men start talking about space etc, it nearly always means another woman.

I'm really sorry it has happened but at least it means you don't have to blame yourself. He's messing around and that's what you and he need to deal with.

oh sweetheart
an emotional affair is just as hurtful....maybe more than a sexual one as there are deep feelings involved.
whatever the outcome you need to start thinking about what you want now....it is not all about him.

Just read your message about the "other woman". I'm so sorry.
Do you still wqnt to fight for him? Does he deserve it? Will you trust him again? Do you still love him as much now that you know the truth?
My mum told me last year that my dad had an affair when I was about 10 years old. They are still together after 40 years of marriage. They really love each other but I think sometimes a marriage with kids eats away at bond that you originally create between one another and thats when people can stray. I'm not trying to defend what your DH has done, but all I know is that my mum forgave him and he can be a bloody difficult bastard at times. The woman DH's involved with may well be nice but you must detatch yourself from her. She is his problem - you just need to work out what you want now. Don't try and reason why he strayed - that will only make you question yourself.
x

I was in your shoes a few weeks ago. Was told exactly the same thing, literally verbatim the way you have described it.
But for us, this was after 2 years of trying to put his affair behaind us. And I thought we were doing well. Wrong.
DH left to get some space, which has now progressed into official separation. And oddly enough he's being going out with a friend from work - for company you understand.
And I believe not a single word of it.
Anyway - I'm not sure I can add to what you have already been told, and I hope things go differently for you.
I would say that one mistake we made was thinking we could manage without counselling the first time around. Part of your problem is that your DH is comparing the first flush of infatuation/lust with what you have developed over years. And it is a kind of fantasy land, an escapism for him. I think that in order to fully get away from that he needs to talk to other people about it, to make it part of reality. I'm afraid that you probably aren't being told the whole truth about this woman, and if that comes out he'll tell you it's because he cares about you and was trying to save you from hurt. But really he's trying to cover his arse.

For me, I can now acknowledge that I would not risk going through this again with my DH, even if he were to change his mind. I know I have done my best to preserve our marriage for our DC's sake over the last 2 years, but it seems I was the only one doing so. So while I am hurting, and I do love him despite everything, I know that this is best for me in the long run.

So if your DH decides he wants to work with you to fix what he has broken, make sure he talks to someone, and that you realise that it is up to him put in the hard graft. Paying lip service to the 'of course I want to make things work' approach is not enough, and long term will not work.

Pay more attention to what he does now, rather than what he says.

I'm trying very hard here to come from a balanced perspective, but given my own situation I'm not sure how successful I have been. But I have had an amazing amount of support here on MN, please make use of it too.

Still no news on what he wants. Ive cried on and off all day. I get waves off pain and just break down. He keeps holding me and apologising.
Im trying to put on a brave face, but its hard.He talks about future stuff as in our building plans, the garden, kids so thats positive i suppose. I realy dont think he wants to go but i cant compete with the feelings for this girl as they are new to him and so intense. We will see

just to say i am thinking of youx

Hey, Relate, relate , relate.... and just think lots of people have snippets of what you're DH is going through but it leads to nothing and is forgotten. Chances are most people never know, relationship lulls and gets better again.
The fact that he wants to be with you is enormous, perhaps this could be a wake up call to stop coasting (if you do) and for both of you to really appreciate what you've got.
Finally I think you're DH needs to egt a new job, seeing the 'threat' everyday will not make it easy for either of you.
Take care.

Got to get him to stay with me first. He is being really loveley and loving today, not sexually but caring.
I have a two week holiday to make my6 husband fall in love with me again as i know that when we return it will be time when he either stays or gos.
Any tips gatefully accepted.

I love him so much but i am preparing myself for the worst.

If he does stay then yes relate definatley, he will have to leave work and we will have to move as some of house bought from money lent to us via work.

If he leaves he will loose us, the house and his job. Im not saying that nastily, its just a fact. The boss ( a huge family value man)of the company will not stand for this kind of thing especially when they have looked after us both and treated us like family for the past 10 years.

Thank you all so much for your support xxx

My advice would be to give him LESS attention and then you might have a better chance of getting what you want. You can't MAKE him fall in love with you again- he either will, or he won't.

I know this is REALLY hard for you, but try to have some pride, don't crawl- get mad if anything! He is more likely to want to be with you if you have a "take me or leave me"attitude, rather than being all needy. If you put him under pressure, he might just run.

I think you both should go to Relate whether he stays or not- and with 3 kids you should have counselling first for their sakes if nothing else, before you call it a day. he should be able to see that. The marriage is in trouble- you both need help.

Good luck.