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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just told me he loves me but not in love with me and it hurst so much.

76 replies

mrsmaddyd · 17/05/2008 14:55

I dont know what to do. The pain is so bad. I love him so much and i desperatley want it to work.But i cant make him love me can i? Why am i always the one loves too much. Even my father left me and chose his lover over his children.

I feel so un loved, un wanted and i just hurt.

Has anyone been through this and worked it out.?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 18/05/2008 21:05

Good News. He wants to try and make it work. Ive suggested counselling and he said he will consider it. Hes not really up for it as has done alot of physcology in his life, but he said he will def consider it. Either way i will go as have my own issues to sort out.
Feel such relief especially with the holiday coming up. Thanks for your last pixiepip and there is no way i will crawling to him and turning into somthing im not but i will make more of an effort to keep our lines of comunication open.

I asked him if anything made him come to his decision and he said he has to give his family a try as too much to loose if we dont

i also asked him about the work friend

Your gonna shout at me for this but i havnt asked him to stop seeing her becuase that would only cause resentment. He is her manager and she is a mangaer too so i know they have to work closely together, but he has told me that its just a really good friendly relationship. He has been getting praise, laughter, encouragemnt from this woman which he hasnt been getting at home. So im sorry mn ladies but i do understand why hes been so messed up.

I dont know why im so understanding all of a sudden as im a very reactive person but theese two days have been absolute hell, emotions have been released that i didnt know i had and me and Dh have talked like we have never talked before.

So please wish me the best as i couldnt have got through this without your support. xxx

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 18/05/2008 21:05

Agree with Pixiepip.

Do not over do it on holiday - the more you try the more likely he is to retreat and back off.

MarshaBrady · 18/05/2008 21:06

whoops cross posted, glad things are on the up.

pixiepip · 18/05/2008 22:53

Please don't let him wriggle out of counselling- knowing stuff about psychology is NO excuse! if that were true, no counsellors would need counselling themselves, or have less than perfect relationships. It's a man thing- he is frightened of talking!

littlewoman · 19/05/2008 01:24

You are being so understanding because the outcome is not as awful as you at first feared it might be. I don't mean to bring you down, but I think it's possibly a relief-type of reaction. The worst didn't happen, let's move on, type of thing.

But it will need confronting at some time, so don't be surprised if you start to be 'not understanding' all of a sudden.

I am so glad for you that the crisis is over for the moment though, and I really hope you can work it out together.

Agree with Pixiepip. Even counsellors have counselling, and most psychologists have psychotherapy as a matter of course, so your hubby shouldn't dismiss the idea. He cannot view the marriage objectively, which is what a counsellor will do. It's important your marriage gets the very best kind of care and attention, I really hope he will consider it for all your sakes.

brightongirldownunder · 19/05/2008 04:28

Agree with all above. Make sure you don't put too much pressure on yourself when on holiday though. I've had some of the worst arguments with DH when on our hols..
Up to you about the woman at work. But tread carefully - she knows you exist and that you have kids and could have taken a step back. Its good to recognise that we all have faults and if you actuallt think he's been feeling a bit rejected at home (such a man thing) then that can be resolved easily. I'm not sure after the "love you" text that they re just friends but it seems like DH is keen to keep his lovely wife. So good luck. Remember - mumsnet's always here! It helped me time and time again. xx

sophiesmiles · 19/05/2008 06:24

mrsmaddyd, my heart goes out to you, how old are your Dc's?

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 19/05/2008 06:46

Morning all. Still didnt sleep well but we held onto each other all night. My hear still fels broken and im still very fragile. I know he sent her a text last night as found another setting on his phone that logs it but i dont know what the text said.

We will get through this and i will push the counslling thing, but after the hol.

Brightonirl, thankyou for your thoughts. Me and Dh have never argued really, i just quietley sulk then get over it. I think communication has been a big issue with us

As for the girl, i will handle that as and when i need to

sophiesmiles 1 have one girl 20, 1 girl 5, 1 boy 4 and 1 boy 21 months

OP posts:
brightongirldownunder · 19/05/2008 07:11

Sending you an Ozzie hug. I really think he's got to be compltely honest with you about the texting. That is the worrying thing. I've just remembered, some dear friends of ours had exactly the same situation. He felt isolated and in need of a bit of passion and fell for a girl at work. She (friend) devoted every waking minute to DC's. It was all very childish and the feelings he had for girl weren't real. We sat them down together and told them to be honest infront of us, which I know prob wasn't the right thing to do but we hated seeing them so upset. They patched things up (eventually), and with now do lots together with and without the kids. I've even noticed a sparkle in both of their eyes again which suggests the passions back too! So don't lose hope. It could well be a mid life crises too. It seems to happen to so many people.
Most of all have bloody argument if its needed, I swear that its all part of communication in a marriage. Blimey, I could never quietly sulk!!

Alexa808 · 19/05/2008 07:28

Dear mrsM, I've just read your post and am sorry to hear what you're going through.

I'm not going to add more to the very good and sound advice you've already received but wanted to point out a book to you which might ake an interesting and helpful read for both you and your dh.

I'm wishing you the strength to pull through this period.

www.amazon.com/Love-You-but-Not-Relationship/dp/0757305482

obimomkanobi · 19/05/2008 07:49

Oh MrsM. 6 years ago I was where you are now, and all the stuff you have posted rings so true.

According to my H I was too busy working and looking after our children to pay him attention, he loved me but wasn't 'in love'...and funnily enough a woman that he worked with was providing him that support - from what I could see by sending him texts saying 'suck on my tits'! Obviously he said that was going to end the affair, but as weeks went on it was obvious that he hadn't. He thought that if he kept me sweet and was all lovey dovey for a while then he could pick things up with OW at a later date.

Eventually I woke up and smelled the coffee. I ended things with him, and only took him back when he had found a new job and was willing to enter into a new relationship with me on my terms. Yes, there probably were issues in our relationship pre-affair, but dealing with such issues by lying to your wife and pulling the 'my wife doesn't understand me' trick on work colleagues is just WRONG!

I hope you work things out, but please do not do all the running. He sounds like a smooth operator in my opinion and he's really messed with your head.

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 20/05/2008 08:07

I had a chat with him last night and let him know how mad i was that i thought id been paranoid and was going mental for the past few months when rumours at work at been flying about. He said he knew nothing of them at the time and i believed him

I told him there can be no lies as he lied to me about the rumours, he lied to me on Saturday when i asked if anyone else. He said he lied as didnt want to hurt me, which i replied that i was already hurting and he could see that and he could have fixed that.I told him i wont be taken for an idiot. I was firm and got my point across.
Weve agreed that any niggles or worries have to be discussed immediatley and not left to fester as this isnt going to be easy for me especially as he still will be working very closeley with her.
I then asked him if he had seen or texted her yesterday. He said he hadnt seen her but he had text her to see if she was ok and she hadnt yet replied.
We then had a hug and moved on.

We are communicating really well but its still like walking on eggshells and im atuned to everything thats said and done between us. I actually had butterflies in my stomach when i heard his key in the door. Im yet to feel if we are on the right track but i guess it will take time. I slept a solid four hours so feel a bit less tired but im just so close to tears all the time still.

I dont know if i will ever trust him again but thats up to him to earn the trust back. Im not doing all the work.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 20/05/2008 08:18

Alexa and tlv is that book for me to read or only beneficial if we both read it?

OP posts:
cosima · 20/05/2008 09:00

you're right, ' he has to want to try' but don't put obstacles in the way by asking him is he sure he wants to try etc, give him time without monitoring his feelings, that will give you both space, sometimes not talking for a bit is as good as talking.

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 20/05/2008 12:21

Were not so much talkng about whats happened more talking to each other about everyday things like work etc. Just re opening those communication lines and taking an interest in each other and basically just getting along. Ive been letting him know what im doing in the day where as before he wouldnt be intersted and im getting texts back for him not declaring love or anything but they are caring and he uses my pet name which means alot to me.

Im off to bed for the afternoon as i had a mini break down in HSBC today. I explained to a friend earlier that i feel like a piece of glass that could just shatter any moment.

I went to waterstones and bought the book too Anything that helps!!!!

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 20/05/2008 12:24

Just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you - there is just so much of this about at the moment - it is at Hs work and it has brought a lot of it flooding back to me.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

CountessDracula · 20/05/2008 12:32

Could I just point out that the reason he distanced himself from you emotionally and sexually is because he has transferred those feelings to this other woman

I think he needs to realise this

that the reason he has been unhappy with his relationship with you is because he hasn't been in it properly!

He has been comparing a real life relationship with all its baggage with this fantasy

I am very sorry you are going through this xx

gagarin · 20/05/2008 12:41

Being in a relationship with someone doesn't stop the "crushes" that both parties can have on another person - after all they're just an extension of relatively normal fantasies that many people have.

But acting on a crush rather than just sitting it out and enjoying them is rather foolish.

Hopefully now you're back communicating the crush will fade away leaving a slight sense of embarrassment on his part!

Good luck and hope you can get things back on track.

TLV · 20/05/2008 13:33

hi mrsmaddy, i'm know what you mean about walking on eggshells as sometimes i feel myself doing it (tho god knows why!) the book is really beneficial for both I would say, you read it and you think wow that could be us, good that you are communicating well though, sometimes I feel like i'm holding back which is bad and only feel like i can say what i really feel in the counselling sessions but maybe it will get easier with time

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 20/05/2008 16:05

gagarin thankyou for your message. Youve hit the nail on the head. It is a crush and along with crushes come powerfull feelings.

Cd you are exactly right too, but i do have to take some of the blame. Ive realised the past two days with all this extra communicating we are doing over trivial things that we have hardly been communicating at all, when really its the little things in your life that can make all the difference iyswim. Ive enjoyed it too, i can feel its breaking down barriers that ive had with him and i know he has built barriers too as he told me. ive been un intentionally pushing him away and putting the kids first thinking he can cope. But as ive been told men are basically children too and this is so true.

tlv i will read the book first and hopefully if i think it will help then dh wil read it too. Its hardly a beach read though is it Nearly picked up a chick lit read for the hol called the other womans husband but then thought its a bit close to home at the moment

OP posts:
obimomkanobi · 20/05/2008 16:15

MrsMaddyd, you have been 'building barriers' because you have been looking after his children. He has been building barriers by dallying with another woman to the point where they are talking about love.

I know your head is messed up at the moment, but please remember that the trying has to come from both directions. Also, and I know many might disagree with me, have you done any fact finding, verified exactly what's been going on etc... while it's great that you want to work things out you've got to protect yourself.

As for him texting her to see how she is, I bloody hope he's been texting you to see how you are.

Original poster
mrsmaddyd · 20/05/2008 16:25

obi thanks for your concern. i have done fact finding, i have not sat back and just believed what comes out of his mouth. As i told him i wont be taken for a fool and yes he has been texting me as i put previously and using my pet name which makes me smile.

OP posts:
obimomkanobi · 20/05/2008 16:27

Glad to hear it MrsM!! Just make sure you look after yourself ok?

PosieParker · 20/05/2008 18:29

MrsM, I'm really glad you fell positive. Make sure you are getting what you want, you have the power here as you did not betray him and so communication to 'her' via text or otherwise is not acceptable. I know that when we think everything is going to slip away we feel that we should be accepting but this only goes so far. Keep your dignity as if this falls apart you will need a little of it. If I'm being a little harsh anyone who has been through this don't hesitate to say.
Take Care
PPxxx

PosieParker · 20/05/2008 18:30

PS Call counselling asap as the waiting list is sometimes very long, if when you get an appointment you're not ready then defer. And don't let your dh wriggle out on his knowledge of psychology as that should only encourage him to go.