Is it normal in a serious relationship for your partner to go on multi-day solo trips with female friends — especially one he has a romantic past with?

[AgileDeer]

I (26F) am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend (30M), and something has been bothering me.
He has three close female friends, and he goes on long, one-on-one trips with them — usually lasting two days or more. These aren’t group outings or casual hangouts. It’s just him and one of the women, spending the entire trip together, including overnight stays.
What really complicates it for me is that he has a romantic history with one of them. They went on several dates in the past and there was mutual interest. He tells me they’re “just friends” now, that it’s all in the past, and that I have nothing to worry about.
I’m genuinely trying to be understanding and not controlling. I trust him in general, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about the idea of him going on solo trips with a woman he used to have something romantic with. It doesn’t feel quite right to me, especially in the context of a serious, long-term relationship.
Is this kind of dynamic considered normal or acceptable? Or are my concerns valid?

I’d hate it.

I'd not feel comfortable with that.

I also wouldn't dream of going on a solo trip with a male friend whilst in a relationship either.

It wouldn't be a situation I'd be happy with. Too easy to slip into affair territory.

It sounds like yours is not a monogamous relationship OP.

He is basically continuing his relationship with this woman.

I would finish with him and let them get on with it.

Why don't you offer to go along?

If you don't like it you don't like it and that's reasonable. It doesn't matter if other people would be fine with it, you aren't- so act accordingly.

Not remotely normal or acceptable.

Book a solo trip away with one of your male friends and see how he likes it.

I don't tolerate this kind of thing so I would not be in a relationship with someone like him for five minutes.

Being married for many years now, it's staggering how much my husband and I invest in each other, in the past and now. I am quite happy to do it because I get the same treatment in return. I would not be at all happy with the sacrifices and etc. if I had to wonder why he was taking trips alone with his old girlfriend. We don't do nor tolerate any hint of this kind of thing.

One of our "rules" is that he and I (and our kids, to some extent) are in the center of "our world." Nobody else is allowed into that inner circle. If I don't like someone, they're out and if he doesn't like someone, they're out, because we are always number one to each other. That makes it all real simple, to us.

Aside from all that, no, we don't do opposite sex friends anyway unless there's a reason for an exception AND it's okay with our partner. For ex. I have a longterm gay male friend from childhood. My husband happily allows it and has become friends with him too. But if he didn't, that would be it, because husband always comes first to me and vice versa.

I think your boyfriend is not putting your position with him nor your feelings first and that's definitely a problem. My husband and I would not have to be told not to pal around with our exes or others of the opposite se. We never would because that is allowing an opposite sex person in too close, into our partner's space and position. We would never want to hurt each other or make each other worry and doubt like that.

Also, to be honest, it sounds like obvious BS and my guess is he's having affairs. But that doesn't need to be proven for you to demand better treatment or leave. But if you even have to tell him not to do this in the first place, well that is not looking good to me. I'd say we know that you are in a committed relationship but it's doubtful he is. I'd toss him out before you get in any deeper and go find someone who feels far more honored to have you by their side, and acts like it. :)

Some people allow this OP but it wouldn’t fly with me.

No matter the claim of ‘friendship’ I would feel he was behaving in a polygamous manner. This is very date like.

actually early on my partner pulled something like this and I told him straight. He cancelled the trip and hasn’t done anything similar since - if he had I’d have walked.

I have a male friend of 30 years who I have been on many a holiday and weekend away with . Same room separate beds. We also lived together 20 years ago. No weird history . Old school friends nothing more … and yet this doesn’t happen when I’m in a relationship , just out of respect for the partner I was with at the time and because I wouldn’t like it if reversed .

Not normal, no. And totally disrespectful towards you.

Absolutely not normal and very fucking disrespectful of you.

Have you met any of these ‘friends’?

Honestly?
No.
Unbelievable that you would believe whatever bullshit he is feeding you.
Cut him loose and let him crack on.
He's a player.

It's not normal at all. I don't think men and women should be super close friends, and remaining friends with exes or former sexual partners is a big fat no.

Did he do this before you got together? Is it a long standing thing with a reason other than spending time together eg they're following a football club or whatever?

I don't think it has to be anything bad but does he really have so much free time after work, normal friendships, general life stuff and spending time with you?

Nope.

I have both male and female friends that I go on weekend trips with, and yes it's completely platonic and yes I do it when I'm in a serious relationship and yes I'm also ok with my partner doing it. Total non issue as far as I'm concerned, but I'm not jealous and wouldn't be with a partner I didn't trust.

But that's my life and my relationships. If you're not ok with it, it makes no difference whether it's normal or not, if it doesn't work for you it doesn't work for you, and it's fine to have that boundary in a relationship.

But to answer your question, yes, it's perfectly normal for some people's relationships, and utterly unacceptable in other people's. You get to draw your own line.

Your relationship sounds very controlling, partners shouldn’t control each other’s friendships

No. It wouldn’t sit right with me.
It usually ends up with an ulterior motive.

I'm female and personally don't have any male friends that I am anywhere near close enough to to consider a weekend away with them. But that's not to say that genuine platonic friendships don't exist between men and women.

But where there has been a previous romantic involvement? Hard no.

I go away with a couple of close male friends. One is an ex from a million years ago. I can’t tell you how utterly unsexual either relationship is. They’ve both cycled through a marriage, a divorce and a subsequent relationship in the time we’ve been friends.

I (26F) am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend (30M

You think you're in a committed relationship, but that doesn't mean he thinks the same way on the inside.

I’m genuinely trying to be understanding and not controlling

That's because you're probably a caring person who aspires to be a good partner. However, unfortunately, people's good natures are taken for granted.

There is an unhealthy culture amongst young women in particular that they have to be 'cool' with everything, and if they're not willing to be accommodating and open minded (sometimes to an extreme extent), then they risk being labelled (or labelling themselves) as horrible control freaks.

You don't have to be cool with your boyfriend having close female friends. A lot of women try to be that, and then they get made a fool out of.

I've often found that men just don't view women like we view them. I wish it weren't the case, but women are more likely to see a friendship with a man as platonic, whereas I've noticed that men only tend to cultivate close female friendships if they're sexually invested in some way. Maybe not so much when people are very young, in their early 20s or younger, and it's definitely not always the case, but you'll see this more & more as you get older. Beware.

He’s a creep who doesn’t respect you and clearly isn’t ready for a committed relationship. At the very least he’s enjoying the attention from these women; at worst he’s enjoying a lot more than that. Ditch him! You’re still so young and there’s no need to settle for someone like this. You deserve better!

He is playing you for a fool

So I’m good friends with a guy I had bit of a thing with. For various reasons we’re better as friends. I would think nothing of random breaks with him,staying at his or having him at mine if we’re both single. But as soon as one of us got into a relationship this would stop. I wouldn’t end the friendship for a partner neither would he but I would also invite partners alone to our nights or days out.

if a partner asked me to give up a friendship no matter the history of it then I would walk away