Is it normal in a serious relationship for your partner to go on multi-day solo trips with female friends — especially one he has a romantic past with?

[AgileDeer]

I (26F) am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend (30M), and something has been bothering me.
He has three close female friends, and he goes on long, one-on-one trips with them — usually lasting two days or more. These aren’t group outings or casual hangouts. It’s just him and one of the women, spending the entire trip together, including overnight stays.
What really complicates it for me is that he has a romantic history with one of them. They went on several dates in the past and there was mutual interest. He tells me they’re “just friends” now, that it’s all in the past, and that I have nothing to worry about.
I’m genuinely trying to be understanding and not controlling. I trust him in general, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about the idea of him going on solo trips with a woman he used to have something romantic with. It doesn’t feel quite right to me, especially in the context of a serious, long-term relationship.
Is this kind of dynamic considered normal or acceptable? Or are my concerns valid?

It’s not normal. I once went out with someone who had a pseudo harem, too. He insisted on meeting up solo for coffees & I used to pull him up on how inappropriate it was. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to once I ended it, to no longer have to worry about stuff like that.

Nope
because I’ve been there and as I said at the time it wouldn’t have made a difference if the friend was male or female or even if it was his own mother. Boundaries had been broken and I wouldn’t tolerate anyone clicking their fingers and having him go running , cancelling plans with me multiple times in favour of them (just one example of his behaviour with his female ‘best friend’)

Nope

Another no here. At the very most, I'd be ok with them meeting up for a coffee or lunch for a catch up, but not travelling and staying away. Why does he want to travel with these women and not you? Do the two of you go away an equal amount? Even if it is purely platonic, I think it's disrespectful to your partner's feelings to do this.

Trips...hard no. Coffees and meals...wouldn't bother me. He has a female friend of years who he often meets and she is my acquaintance secondary. She came to our wedding with her husband etc. A lovely lass currently going through some tough times and DH messages and checks in on her and they meet up occasionally. I have lots of male friends through work and old hobbies but we meet up in a group situation, but DH wouldnt care if i met them for drinks or a meal etc, because he knows them too. We go on same sex trips with friends all the time. He can go where he wants also because that's how it works for us. He has friends I don't care for and I have friends he doesnt care for. Neither of us would tell them to give them up. Your situation wouldn't sit well with me.

Nope. Not normal and not ok and a fast track to cheating.

Your boundaries need to tighten and he needs to go if he carries on with this imho.

Sounds like he’s having affairs. You don’t have to prove it though. If his behaviour makes you feel something isn’t right then it probably isn’t. Trust your gut.

I’d ditch this one. Just say it’s not working for you.

Nope
I wouldn’t be happy about this

Before I got married I went out with a guy who tried to make me jealous with other women. It was such an improvement when I met and married my late dh and he was into me enough that he actually wanted to spend his annual leave with me. We both had friends of both sexes but neither of us were callous enough that fucking off on holiday with someone of the opposite sex was more important to us than our partner's wellbeing.
You don't have to pretend not to mind OP. You can do so much better.

I actually have a few very good male friends myself, and I would know for a fact, with absolute certainty, that nothing would ever happen between me and those friends. I trust them in not crossing any boundaries, but I also trust myself completely to put a stop to it if it ever came to that.

HOWEVER
Just because I know those things, doesn't mean I'd ever expect my husband to know those things. I would not go on a 1 on 1 overnight trip with another man out of respect for him. This has nothing to do with trust. I trust my husband and he trusts me. But I don't expect him to trust the whole world around me, or to trust my judgement on people he doesn't know very well.

Men must laugh their fucking heads off that women even second guess this absolute ‘we are just friends’ bullshit. He is keeping all of his options open love. Wake up.

Well, if my male friends are secretly going away with me for the sex, they’re playing an incredibly long game— well over 20 years in one case.

I'm male, my best friend is female. One of the things we have in common is music, so we quite often go away together to see gigs.

I've dated people in the past who have been bothered by this, so I stopped dating them. I'm not going to ditch doing things with my best friend just because someone I'm dating doesn't like it.

DP of 20 years is completely unbothered, because she trusts me.

For whatever reason, you don't trust your partner OP. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust?

No

I think it's perfectly possible for men and women to be friends. I've been on group holidays with friends of the opposite sex.

However, when it's a "special" freind where they only.meet up.or.gp away 121, where you and no one else are never included in their arrangements, that's not just friends.

I wonder if these three women know about each other....or you?

Absolutely this. I mean, you’d be completely mad to jettison a longterm, mutually sustaining, valued friendship for a new relationship that may not last.

No too much temptation. He's not the one for you.

You don't have to "jettison" the friendship to show enough respect for you partner to not go away with another man/woman.

my husband tried this modern crap when we started going out. I laid the law down pretty quickly. He really didn't like it and neither did the ' friends '. Tough shit. Now we socialise together with his long term female friends and their partners but he is never socialising one on one with them and I've also made friends with a couple of them too. I trust him but he is naive.

Ok, I wouldn’t stop doing something that is habitual for me in a longterm platonic friendship because of a new relationship. There’s nothing ‘disrespectful’ about going away with a friend as long as you’re not sleeping with them.

Come on, OP, wise up.

(Admittedly, my middle name is cynical - but rather that than naive.)

Exactly. No one has said you have to end friendships.

Yes there is. It might be normal for you and maybe your partner accepts it, but where it's making your partner uncomfortable, it's not respectful to keep doing it.

I don't know anyone who does this and I feel for anyone with such low self esteem they have to pretend to be cool with their partner dividing their annual leave between them and another woman/man.