Is it normal in a serious relationship for your partner to go on multi-day solo trips with female friends — especially one he has a romantic past with?

[AgileDeer]

I (26F) am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend (30M), and something has been bothering me.
He has three close female friends, and he goes on long, one-on-one trips with them — usually lasting two days or more. These aren’t group outings or casual hangouts. It’s just him and one of the women, spending the entire trip together, including overnight stays.
What really complicates it for me is that he has a romantic history with one of them. They went on several dates in the past and there was mutual interest. He tells me they’re “just friends” now, that it’s all in the past, and that I have nothing to worry about.
I’m genuinely trying to be understanding and not controlling. I trust him in general, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about the idea of him going on solo trips with a woman he used to have something romantic with. It doesn’t feel quite right to me, especially in the context of a serious, long-term relationship.
Is this kind of dynamic considered normal or acceptable? Or are my concerns valid?

I have an ex girlfriend who II am still friendly with.

I go to hers several times a year, we spend the day together and I go home mid afternoon.

I think there is a mutual feeling between me, her and my wife as to the boundaries so it never becomes an issue

Not normal at all IMO.

This isn't the type of relationshipI'd be interested in and I wouldn't waste my time explaining why to him.

I'd just let him know the relationship isn't working for me and wish him well for the future.

No fuss
No drama

What kind of weekends and trips? Clearing canals or mooching around Prague?

If you don't live together then you are dating. I don't know what a committed relationship is, are you engaged to be married? Or are you stuck at home doing the housework and being committed whilst he is off elsewhere?

It wouldn't work for me, the future wouldn't look rosy enough. Life's hard enough without worrying he is discussing the relationship or if he is having special cuddles.

This wouldnt work in our relationship at all.
Trips away without each other are fine but with your same sex friends, gay friends or groups.
I don't know any other couples that would be ok with your set up and they are fairly liberal people.
I do know one polyamorous couple, but thats another thing entirely.

I have lots of female friends, my best friend is female, completely platonic and she’s like a sister to me and vice versa. We went away together to Spain last year and had a great time - AS FRIENDS.

relationships are about trust, and if you don’t trust your partner with the opposite sex then you don’t trust your partner.

if my partner asked me to cease contact with any of my friends: then they aren’t the partner for me.

it’s slightly different if it was a new friend of the opposite sex and going away with an ex one on one is disrespectful when in a relationship.

Just out of curiosity, for the majority that have said they wouldn’t like it, if the friend was
considerably older or not your partners type, grossly overweight or hideously looking, would that change your view?

Its funny how none of these holiday friends are male isn't it.

OP if you don't like it then nothing will help you get over that. You are allowed to not want to be the cool girl.

I have had friendships with exes where nothing would have happened regardless of sitation. One did confess to me he had started to develop those feelings again while he was still married so we never met without his wife after that. Thankfully this helped cure those feelings pretty quickly.

It's all about respect at the end of the day. Do you know these people, could you join them if you wanted to?

It might work for some people and that's fine. You're not comfortable with it and that's also fine. I would not be ok with it either. As far as I'm concerned, the only woman my DH should want to go away with is me.

So it seems you have a decision to make if your partner is insistent on continuing his weekends away with his ex and other female friends. Do you put up with it or do you end the relationship? Only you can make that decision.

It would depend on the circs as to whether I'd be OK with this situation or not but I wanted to say that I know that attraction often only starts with looks and continues with personality. So friendships turning to relationships with older and less attractive partners can happen because attraction is more than those things.

Same.

Would he be comfortable with you doing the same thing?

This is known as having your cake and eating it.

Dont be content with crumbs, OP.

Back in the mists of time, before I had children and moved out of the city my pre-husband friends mostly still live in, I had lots of make friends, some of them very close. When I started seeing my now husband I would have thought nothing of going on a trip with one of those guys, and I don’t think my husband would have felt threatened. Crucially, though, there had never been even a thought of romance with these men. Similarly, my husband had plenty of female friends and I wouldn’t have minded him taking a trip with most of them. His ex girlfriend, though, who still bought him birthday presents? Oh hell no. I don’t think you necessarily have anything to worry about even with the one he briefly dated (it was brief for a reason, one assumes) but I do understand why it makes you uncomfortable. The question of whether or not you can live with it. If you can’t you either leave him or tell him it needs to stop, and he might say no — which might tell you what you need to know anyway.

Same here too . When you’re saddled with kids and he’s fcuking off with his ladies it will only get worse!!

Not normal, no. Goady (of him) as feck, yes. Odds are he is cheating but even if he isn't he is a prize penis for even risking you thinking this, knowing it would cause most women pain and worry. Throw the bloated fish back.

You get to set your own boundaries. I spent a lot of time in my 20s pretending to be comfortable with things like this when I wasn’t. You don’t have to be with someone who has best girl friends if it makes you feel awful for the rest of your life.

No, once had a v. good looking ex who cheated on the girl after me with someone at his office he used to call "the heifer" because she had to have a special office chair for her size and weight... Men don't care if they think they can get away with it. Unluckily for my ex he didn't realise she house shared with someone in the next office along and knew his new g.f. Busted.

Also remembered a different ex (these are well respected professionals) who said to me "fat girls are always so very grateful though, you know, for an altruistic mood boosting exercise." Honestly thought he was joking (badly) until I got to know him better. In the bin.

This was a major problem in my marriage and it took (years/decades) for me to stop being the cool wife who pretended not to mind. More fool me for not asserting that this was beyond my boundaries. It ended badly.

No.

DH is still friends with some of his exes and sometimes goes for dinner with them but (i) they dated centuries ago (he and I have been together for c. 25 years) and (ii) I’ve met them all and sometimes joined the dinner.

Meet-ups are fine but I would not be comfortable with one on one camping trips - way too intimate, I think, especially with an ex. The kind of thing that most of us wouldn’t do, out of respect for our partner’s feelings.

So I think you’re perfectly reasonable in saying that’s not okay with you.

I used to know a man who I came to understand was a collector. He stayed friends with all his exes and would go on holiday with them. No matter what his current girlfriend thought. Eventually I realised that the purpose of all the girl/friends was to damage the self esteem of the current girlfriend.

A collector. I love it. Thank you, I didn’t realise I’d been searching for this word 👏🏼

Sounds like a living hell to me.

I like my freedom and believe everyone should do what they want to do - as long as there’s no crossing of AGREED boundaries.

I won’t have anyone telling me I can’t be friends with someone because they are a man. Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex. I would never dream of telling him he couldn’t. How controlling.

We get one life - live it. No one has the right to have that much say over someone - married or not.

OP, being friends with women is one thing, but little holidays on his own with them is something to be concerned about it. If he insists he wants to go on these trips, and you can’t accept it, you’ll have to let him go otherwise this will destroy you.

Hell to the no. Seems he goes away with these “friends” more than you his partner.

id put money on him not being ok with you going away with a guy friends and if you ask why he’ll probably say.. I know what men are like. That’s their usual cop out

yes which is exactly why you fucking off with your female friends on solo trips is a concern