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Original poster

Is it normal in a serious relationship for your partner to go on multi-day solo trips with female friends — especially one he has a romantic past with?

92 replies

AgileDeer · 24/04/2025 21:28

I (26F) am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend (30M), and something has been bothering me.
He has three close female friends, and he goes on long, one-on-one trips with them — usually lasting two days or more. These aren’t group outings or casual hangouts. It’s just him and one of the women, spending the entire trip together, including overnight stays.
What really complicates it for me is that he has a romantic history with one of them. They went on several dates in the past and there was mutual interest. He tells me they’re “just friends” now, that it’s all in the past, and that I have nothing to worry about.
I’m genuinely trying to be understanding and not controlling. I trust him in general, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about the idea of him going on solo trips with a woman he used to have something romantic with. It doesn’t feel quite right to me, especially in the context of a serious, long-term relationship.
Is this kind of dynamic considered normal or acceptable? Or are my concerns valid?

OP posts:
category12 · 25/04/2025 12:31

I can understand people being uncomfortable with it, but it's possible for men and women to be platonic friends. A friend of mine has several male mates she doesn't shag but does go away with.

(I'm personally not good at maintaining those sort of boundaries so wouldn't do that sort of trip.)

If you don't like it, you are not suited.

I think it's unfair to expect him to stop these trips.

Perfectly OK to end the relationship because it's not for you.

JanSix · 25/04/2025 12:34

Backbag · 25/04/2025 12:26

Yes there is. It might be normal for you and maybe your partner accepts it, but where it's making your partner uncomfortable, it's not respectful to keep doing it.

Show quote history

I can honestly say it would not even occur to me to check whether an ordinary, valuable part of my life made a new boyfriend ‘uncomfortable’. If he were, it would not be a relationship I’d be pursuing. I’ve been happily married with a child for quite some time, without needing to alter the way I conduct friendships with either sex.

TheLarkAscendingRose · 25/04/2025 12:38

If you told your friends and family that your partner/husband was going on holiday with another woman they'd probably look at you with shock and then pity, before asking whether they were the right person for you.

Mom2K · 25/04/2025 12:39

BigHeadBertha · 24/04/2025 21:48

I don't tolerate this kind of thing so I would not be in a relationship with someone like him for five minutes.

Being married for many years now, it's staggering how much my husband and I invest in each other, in the past and now. I am quite happy to do it because I get the same treatment in return. I would not be at all happy with the sacrifices and etc. if I had to wonder why he was taking trips alone with his old girlfriend. We don't do nor tolerate any hint of this kind of thing.

One of our "rules" is that he and I (and our kids, to some extent) are in the center of "our world." Nobody else is allowed into that inner circle. If I don't like someone, they're out and if he doesn't like someone, they're out, because we are always number one to each other. That makes it all real simple, to us.

Aside from all that, no, we don't do opposite sex friends anyway unless there's a reason for an exception AND it's okay with our partner. For ex. I have a longterm gay male friend from childhood. My husband happily allows it and has become friends with him too. But if he didn't, that would be it, because husband always comes first to me and vice versa.

I think your boyfriend is not putting your position with him nor your feelings first and that's definitely a problem. My husband and I would not have to be told not to pal around with our exes or others of the opposite se. We never would because that is allowing an opposite sex person in too close, into our partner's space and position. We would never want to hurt each other or make each other worry and doubt like that.

Also, to be honest, it sounds like obvious BS and my guess is he's having affairs. But that doesn't need to be proven for you to demand better treatment or leave. But if you even have to tell him not to do this in the first place, well that is not looking good to me. I'd say we know that you are in a committed relationship but it's doubtful he is. I'd toss him out before you get in any deeper and go find someone who feels far more honored to have you by their side, and acts like it. :)

Edited

This post nails it. This is exactly what the expectations should be for any relationship. Prioritising the relationship and making sure both parties feel comfortable and secure in it.

OP, I'd be dumping him. I don't think the two of you are compatible. Especially if you've expressed how you feel about it but he carries on anyway. Although I don't think I could be with someone who thought this was fine to begin with. It means our values/ideas for relationship standards are too different. Although maybe they are not too different...there is often a level of hypocrisy involved in this type of behaviour. He very likely wouldn't be ok with it if the roles were reversed.

travailtotravel · 25/04/2025 12:41

Meh - different folks. If you're not comfortable with it, its on you to figure out why and discuss it respectfully with your partner.

I go away with male friends.

BobbyBiscuits · 25/04/2025 12:46

If I had friends of the opposite sex I'd want to introduce them to my partner, and hope they would also become mates..I wouldn't just go on holiday alone with them. Unless it was one trip I'd booked before I started a relationship.
Are these female friends single?
Is he ok with you having a similar arrangement with men?

Reidwood · 25/04/2025 12:49

@AgileDeer sorry to say but from my perspective, your man is definitely sowing his seeds with and without you! The question is can you live your life with the current situation? You ve already decided by putting it here , YIU are not comfortable…he s not going to change so time to move on.

investmentquandry · 25/04/2025 12:55

I'm 55. I've never come across this in the myriad of couples I've known over the years. No way would I put up with it. He's taking the piss.

JanSix · 25/04/2025 13:01

TheLarkAscendingRose · 25/04/2025 12:38

If you told your friends and family that your partner/husband was going on holiday with another woman they'd probably look at you with shock and then pity, before asking whether they were the right person for you.

I can assure you that my large, perfectly ordinary family, and DH’s even larger and equally ordinary one don’t struggle with this. Friends likewise. People do what suits them, mostly.

I have a friend who considers herself still absolutely in a functional ongoing relationship with her husband (and the father of their teenager) who’s lived in another country for the last eight or nine years, and another friend who’s in a non-exclusive, but very committed, longterm relationship. Neither would work for me, but they work for them.

category12 · 25/04/2025 13:02

investmentquandry · 25/04/2025 12:55

I'm 55. I've never come across this in the myriad of couples I've known over the years. No way would I put up with it. He's taking the piss.

Just because it's out of your personal experience doesn't mean anything.

As I say, a friend of mine has this and there's no sexual element.

You are of course free to draw your own line wherever you like.

Braygirlnow · 20/05/2025 20:06

sameshizz · 24/04/2025 21:55

I have a male friend of 30 years who I have been on many a holiday and weekend away with . Same room separate beds. We also lived together 20 years ago. No weird history . Old school friends nothing more … and yet this doesn’t happen when I’m in a relationship , just out of respect for the partner I was with at the time and because I wouldn’t like it if reversed .

Same, I have mf for 8 yrs before meeting partner we use to go on overnight trips away, but when I got with partner I certainly stopped the away trips, we still meet up mostly with group of friends sometimes just us two. We stopped the over night away trips out of respect for our partners, I know I wouldn't like it if he did it and so I don't.

Braygirlnow · 20/05/2025 20:24

AgileDeer · 24/04/2025 21:28

I (26F) am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend (30M), and something has been bothering me.
He has three close female friends, and he goes on long, one-on-one trips with them — usually lasting two days or more. These aren’t group outings or casual hangouts. It’s just him and one of the women, spending the entire trip together, including overnight stays.
What really complicates it for me is that he has a romantic history with one of them. They went on several dates in the past and there was mutual interest. He tells me they’re “just friends” now, that it’s all in the past, and that I have nothing to worry about.
I’m genuinely trying to be understanding and not controlling. I trust him in general, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about the idea of him going on solo trips with a woman he used to have something romantic with. It doesn’t feel quite right to me, especially in the context of a serious, long-term relationship.
Is this kind of dynamic considered normal or acceptable? Or are my concerns valid?

My husband doesn't even go on "multi-solo away trips" with male friends let alone female, I find it strange he goes on these overnight trips with one ff at a time. Dh goes with a group occasionally and he went on a group trip last year which he invited me to go on too but I chose not to. Going with one ff would not be something I'd be happy with, id let him know and if, as he is entitled to do he still went, I'd just say this relationship is not for me.Its really up to you op, you can only decide for yourself if you are not comfortable with this then best to get out now.

MounjaroMounjaro · 20/05/2025 20:33

It's not something I'd be interested in. I'd set him free to do whatever he wants.

Do any of those women have a partner? I can't see a guy putting up with that shit from his girlfriend either.

Happytweet · 20/05/2025 20:37

I wouldn’t like it and don’t know anyone in rl who does this. But honestly, what anyone else thinks doesn’t really matter.

It makes you uneasy, this is absolutely valid, and so he needs to know this. And if it’s a non-negotiable for him, or if he makes you feel like you’re being unreasonable, it might be time to move on.
He’s not a good fit if his choices make you unhappy.

okydokethen · 20/05/2025 20:56

Absolutely not ok

Climbinghigher · 20/05/2025 21:09

I've been married for decades and have a number of close male friends I have shared rooms with whilst married. TBH I prefer my own room, but at times sharing makes sense and I'm not massively fussed about the sex of the person I am sharing with - assuming we are friends. Nothing remotely came close to happening and never would. I wouldn't drop those friends because a new bf didn't like it. If he didn't like it fine, but it would be a deal breaker for me.

outerspacepotato · 20/05/2025 21:10

I would not have stayed in your relationship. The first trip with another woman, I'd be gone and I don't do reruns.

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