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Original poster

Misread signals gah!

122 replies

ThatAquaRobin · 24/04/2025 09:12

Argh. I was married for 14 years and I'm almost 49. Very out of practice
Plucked up the courage to go on a solos holiday, and I'm glad I did.
But
Now feeling totally deflated after, I think misreading signals. Lovely guy, I'd guess a few years younger, maybe 44-45 ish.
Lots of eye contact smiling and sitting near each other on the sofa when chatting with the small group of guests (thigh contact)
Much wine and beer was consumed
4 days and nights later and I got up early to say goodbye to him (his transfer was earlier)
We chatted briefly and he scuttles out when his taxi arrived.
I have been quite open about my two kids a s divorce, lots of open chats. He was a bit of a closed book compared to the rest of the small group.
Argh.
I feel I will make a prat of myself if I message him.
What 45 (ish) man wants an older woman. With 2 kids?!

OP posts:
inkognitha · 24/04/2025 23:08

OP, you got to learn how to date and flirt and screen, you missed your best opportunity to make something happen, create a more organic reason to see each other again because oh by chance, next month you are visiting his city etc.

During your time with him, have you had a moment of connivence, a shared joke, a private conversation, something, just you and him? If no, I wouldn’t text.

If yes, i wouldn’t text either. Because it’s brave and independent and all that, but it hurts when it’s a no. And it is maybe a way to give a chance to the few, very few shy men with a heart of gold but, much more importantly, it offers an open avenue to the many « half-between »: the men who like you a little but not enough and/or are incapable of having a normal relationship (aka pulling their weight or doing the decent thing) but if you come offer yourself, why not? To avoid these and the messes and hurt they cause, I m more than ready to lose out on the few shy but good ones, numbers talk.

Mondayblues2 · 24/04/2025 23:29

If yes, i wouldn’t text either. Because it’s brave and independent and all that, but it hurts when it’s a no. And it is maybe a way to give a chance to the few, very few shy men with a heart of gold but, much more importantly, it offers an open avenue to the many « half-between »: the men who like you a little but not enough and/or are incapable of having a normal relationship (aka pulling their weight or doing the decent thing) but if you come offer yourself, why not? To avoid these and the messes and hurt they cause, I m more than ready to lose out on the few shy but good ones, numbers talk.

I know I suggested just sending one message, however this (above) is very good advice

Spreadablecream · 24/04/2025 23:31

I wonder (from the description) if he's part of the "Good Job" crowd - very high achieving, sociable and enjoy meeting people but ultimately super focussed on their own goals.

Like Princess Diana's ex Hasnat Khan...he wouldn't compromise any aspect of his own life, even for a woman as attractive and high status as her.

This type is great to meet and nice to talk to, but pretty much not interested in making any effort with new people - if you drive the contact and it suits them they'll go along with it, but things fizzle out fairly easily.

As they are "catches" on paper they are affable and attentive enough but don't feel the need to make the effort.

I'd still say to shoot a quick message, just for confidence and practice but not have high hopes.

Crikeyalmighty · 24/04/2025 23:31

@ThatAquaRobin that is exactly what you should do - balls in his court then and no harm done - he may be sat there thinking the same as you

BobbyBiscuits · 24/04/2025 23:38

It feels like people who go on a holiday like that must want to make new friends and maybe keep in touch? Travel again with some of the same people? Else you'd just go on holiday with your mates or family or whatever.

So no harm in reaching out, referring to the things you did on the trip, and see if he wants to meet up? Just for a drink? If he seems to be more interested in meeting the whole group rather than you alone then I guess you know he's not romantically interested.

But you could still be friends? It might give you a boost of confidence in yourself?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 25/04/2025 01:40

When you say "thigh contact" in your OP, do you mean you touched his leg and he didn't move, so he stayed touching you? In my experience, when it happens, I take it as a "yes", and so far I never got it wrong. Of course if both people are drunk, it may not mean a "yes" the next day, but I think you get my point.

Send him a message, suggest a drink. Treat it like practice. If he says "no", be proud that you've done it and now you know for sure.

GustyBaloo · 25/04/2025 01:46

Oi!

Give yourself some credit! The age difference is negligible.
Any man in his 40s worth his salt (where did that phrase come from?) will have likely experienced relationships and children.

You have nothing to lose.

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 25/04/2025 05:29

Thigh contact was mine next to his for around 30 mins or so if guess. I wasn't brave enough to put my hand on his thigh.
That day I also spent an hour in the jacuzzi with him (just us) albeit opposite corners, chatting about work and family

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 25/04/2025 05:35

Relax and stop overthinking… message him if you like but please lower your expectations….

he might not message you again but that’s okay

themightysossidge · 25/04/2025 08:28

Have you messaged yet?

Mondayblues2 · 25/04/2025 09:02

Any updates, OP?

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 25/04/2025 10:48

I think I am going to have to message him but I will leave it til the weekend as I know he's working Friday

@themightysossidge @Mondayblues2 OP wrote this last night in case you missed it.

PotatoesShowmatoes · 25/04/2025 11:16

I am against the grain. Flirting with you is an ego boost. He scuttled away when he could have taken the chance without the whole group being there. He has your number if he’s keen. I’d move on and book another holiday to anticipate. You’re available and keen. Someone else will fit your bill.

RiRaAgusRuailleBuaille · 25/04/2025 11:27

OP has this man specifically given you his number or have you worked out which number is his from a holiday WhatsApp group?

It doesn’t sound like much on his part other than politeness / making a holiday friend to me. Do you have many male friends that aren’t husbands of your female pals?

Unless you will be contacting others from the group WhatsApp and this is seen as acceptable, I would leave it - seems a bit of an overreach to message someone who hasn’t specifically said “that’s my number” from a group chat. And the signs aren’t much different to what you would get if he was a friendly woman - chat in the hot tub and giggling side by side on a sofa.

Gymbunny2025 · 25/04/2025 12:19

I agree. And I have to say I think it’s good you didn’t put your hand on his thigh! That could have been really inappropriate

EmeraldsandRubies · 25/04/2025 12:27

Just message him and see what happens. Ideally you can share something you spoke about 'that you've just come across'... I wouldn't get too raunchy and v glad no hand on knee!

Don't be defined by your age. Who cares if he is a few years older or younger. You are still both in your 40's.

The getting up early to wave him off was always going to be early. Because it was, well early and no alcohol etc Even with my nearest and dearest I'd be a bit quiet. It's a chit chat time of day.

After my divorce (in my 50's), I met up with an old (also divorced) friend from 6th form. First sort of 'date' for both of us and it was all a bit awkward until we got to the restaurant and the wine flowed. We had been out of touch for a while due to a misunderstanding and at one point I reached over to him to kiss him briefly and say 'sorry we fell out' as we were having such fun. He kissed me back and both of us were like - WOW!!!!! We get married in 3 weeks.

Good luck OP.

mmmarmalade · 25/04/2025 13:54

@ThatAquaRobin have you considered (or reflected on what you saw) that he might have been interested in someone else or, that someone else has been more forward with him and contacted him already?

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 26/04/2025 10:05

Update.
Well there's a curveball I didn't expect.
One grey tick on Whatsapp. I think he may have blocked me.
Just as well I didn't put my hand on his thigh then.
What an idiot I feel.

OP posts:
HarpSnail · 26/04/2025 10:22

ThatAquaRobin · 26/04/2025 10:05

Update.
Well there's a curveball I didn't expect.
One grey tick on Whatsapp. I think he may have blocked me.
Just as well I didn't put my hand on his thigh then.
What an idiot I feel.

Well, or his phone is off? My sister keeps her phone on airplane mode a lot, and I get one grey tick until she turns airplane mode off.

shivermetimbers77 · 26/04/2025 10:26

Hey OP, one grey tick on WhatsApp can just mean the phone is turned off , try not to panic… When did you send a message and what did you say? Either way well done for texting: as the old saying goes, fortune favours the brave! Even if it doesn’t work out this tIme it is generally good to be a bit bold about this stuff.. fingers crossed.

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 26/04/2025 10:28

I know, my mum does this. But not at home 10am.
Occam's Razor isn't it?
I think @diddl had it right. I probably freaked him out.
Gah. I was bang on with my title....I knew I had misread things.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 26/04/2025 10:30

I sent this. But he hasn't got the message anyway FWIW

"Hi
"Hope your journey home was ok. I had fun chatting to you on holiday, let me know if you fancy catching up again with a coffee"

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 26/04/2025 10:30

Why would he have blocked you though?! Have you messaged him before? I don’t think you can be in a group with him n WhatsApp if blocked

myplace · 26/04/2025 10:32

But that’s ok.

There’s no shame in reaching out. That isn’t the same as pestering.

How would we ever know if we waited for certainty every time?

Think of it as being like smiling. Not everyone smiles back. There are loads of reasons why that happens. None of them should stop you smiling at the next person.

Unless you’re at a funeral. That’s maybe a good time to rein it in.

mmmarmalade · 26/04/2025 10:34

Give him a chance - how long between you sending and you assuming he’s blocked you? Perhaps he’s seen he has a message from you and wants to get his reply just right as it matters to him… or maybe he’s busy.