Misread signals gah!

[ThatAquaRobin]

Argh. I was married for 14 years and I'm almost 49. Very out of practice
Plucked up the courage to go on a solos holiday, and I'm glad I did.
But
Now feeling totally deflated after, I think misreading signals. Lovely guy, I'd guess a few years younger, maybe 44-45 ish.
Lots of eye contact smiling and sitting near each other on the sofa when chatting with the small group of guests (thigh contact)
Much wine and beer was consumed
4 days and nights later and I got up early to say goodbye to him (his transfer was earlier)
We chatted briefly and he scuttles out when his taxi arrived.
I have been quite open about my two kids a s divorce, lots of open chats. He was a bit of a closed book compared to the rest of the small group.
Argh.
I feel I will make a prat of myself if I message him.
What 45 (ish) man wants an older woman. With 2 kids?!

I don't see what you have to lose by seeing if he contacts you. if he is a mouse and doesn't do so unless you do first, would you want him anyway? if he is interested he will definitely get in touch. Maybe just be patient, you should know your answer in a week or two.

Are you Facebook friends? If not just add him. It says you’re thinking about him without having to make a move! Plus you could occasionally comment on something and see if he comments on you too

And you can find out if he is who you think he is too

Just message him. I met my boyfriend of 4 years (we were both 50 at the time) because I messaged him first.

@ThatAquaRobin you're going about it the wrong way. It doesn't need to be all in on the first go. All you need to do is message to say something like "I'm going to be in your area on xx date, and it would be nice to catch up and compare notes on the holiday". Something like that. Nice and breezy. If he says "can't I'm busy", then you know. If he says "can't I'm busy, but would have been nice to see you", or "yes, that would be lovely", then you also know but from the other perspective.

This way, it's all nice and easy with no pressure. Makes it easy for him to decline or accept without any expectation.

You just have to pick a date when you can be "in the area". If he asks why before you see him, you'll have to have an excuse. If he asks why when you are in front of him and you are feeling like it's going somewhere, then just come clean and tell him you made up an excuse to see him.

Personally I wouldn't overthink it and just do it.

Life is about taking risks, albeit most of them well-thought out or calculated. And sadly also about rejection. Not everyone is going to like us, want to employ us, be friends with us or have a relationship with us. But if you don't try, you will never know. And yes, that means you have to somehow grow a thicker skin and be prepared for rejection.

But what if he likes you but thinks you would reject him? None of us are mind readers... but if there was good energy, then just flaming do it X

I've only recently read an article about the staggeringly high percentage of men who are now afraid to approach a woman in case it is misinterpreted, perceived as sexual harassment or basically unwanted attention. We've become a society of overthinkers, connected to our screens but disconnected from others and think that everything has to follow a specific script, a lot of it from online articles written by the clueless half the time. Or b@@@y "influencers"

Fortune favours the brave. I'd say 80% of the relationships I've been in were initiated by me, with the man being too shy to approach. And no, I don't look like Cindy Crawford either.

Just do it Op!!

You have nothing to lose by messaging him. Keep it light, mention the holiday and just say if he fancies a drink one night, to let you know. If you never hear from him again, then you'll know he's not interested. If he replies, then who knows, it could be the start of something nice! The worst that can happen is you never receive a reply or you do and he makes it plain he's not interested romantically. It's by WhatsApp, you don't have to physically face him or ever see him, if he does reject you. You then chalk it down to experience and move on.

You have to get out of reverse to go forward.

He's a guy. IMHO you're safe to assume he's not read between the lines and picked up on a anything (or too anxious not to read too much into anything) - you're just going to have to be brave and be a little more direct imho - but it doesn't mean diving in at the deep end - IME it helps to think of grown men as 5yo boys - start the conversation off with really simply questions and just move the conversation forward one small step at a time -
did you enjoy the trip?
was it what you expected? (done it before?)
would you do it again?
are you interested in meeting up with anyone?
and share your simple thoughts on it all - best and worst moments, surprises, disappointments, ideas if there was a next time.

I'm surprised you didn't dig a bit more when you were there and had the chance to chat with him. If he seemed like a closed book why didn't you ask him about it? There's often a bit of mischief in flirtation. You've got to learn not to limit yourself and to get comfortable with moving conversations forward instead of letting them meander politely but aimlessly - sometimes you have to drag the conversation into deeper water, sometimes interjecting to change and widen the topics you talk about and also sometimes how to go take the conversation into lighter territory - that's what I think in the middle of conversations - deeper, wider, lighter if I think they are going nowhere or petering out - it's about being a driver sometimes, not always the passenger in a conversation - it's easier than you think imho.

Small steps - as small as you like - one after another - shake the tree and see what happens - it's not strip off and dive in - it's one toe at a time.. go on - be curious.

Just noticed your thread title, OP. You are assuming you have misread signals but you may well have not.

Message him something casual, maybe referencing a shared experience or joke shared while on the holiday. Nothing heavy. If he is interested, he will keep messaging and eventually you might meet up. But if you don't message, you're never going to know.

Agree with pps...some variation of...

"Was great meeting you, hope you got home OK?

heres a photo of the holiday/holiday chat

do let me know if you want to catch up some time for a coffee!"

After you've made contact, I wouldn't overfunction or "plan a date" and offer it to him....if he's keen he'll pick up the organisation without you having to do the heavy lifting, or you having to initiate chatting constantly.

Most contact like this tends to fizzle out, which is fine. That's pretty much the norm for early dating, you can even have a great first date then it fizzles out. It's all experience.

I think it's natural to emotionally over invest and overthink a bit if you like the guy, but it's all part of the fun!

As pps say, just keep moving and learning and check in with your own feelings and what feels good for you.

He's not some 21 year old, hes 45. Any 45 year old on a singles holiday for mature people will be perfectly aware that most people in his age bracket have kids.
I actually have a few friends in their 40s with younger boyfriends(3 to 6 years younger) and they also have kids. It's not unusual. Once you get past 40 then youre kind of all in the same age bracket.
Message him in friendly terms and see what he says. You don't have to go on for a date, you can just start out with a friendly hello.

Of maybe it’s not what Elffyba thinks and he could just be shy and or just gotten over a break up or maybe a myriad of other things that meant he wasn’t particularly forward! You’re already starting to obsess over whether you should or shouldn’t contact him and given he gives you butterflies - go for it OP! What’s the worst that could happen? Even if he rejects you at least with him living so far away, chances are you’ll never ever see him again anyway. If I were you, I’d just message him soon, maybe just pretend you want recommendations for a similar solo travel company or some such - get creative! And so if he’s a little shy or whatever, it’s not too direct and he’s possibly more likely to engage on more neutral subjects and then who knows, maybe a few weeks later you’ll be ‘in his neck of the woods’ so you could ask him in advance would he like to meet up for a coffee or evening drinks? In the voice of Mrs Doyle from Father Ted “go on, go on, go on!” 😁

With the events you describe I wouldn’t contact him. He has your number, if he’s interested he can easily contact you. He didn’t ‘mirror’ your openness. He lives 90 mins away (inconvenient) and you seem to be at risk of being easily hurt.

I would contact him ONCE (but no more) to suggest a coffee

I don’t think many married men would choose a solo cruise to pick up women. There are much easier ways to find a hook up

I would send one text saying it was nice to meet him and if he’s ever in your town to give you a call.

What have you got to lose? Just be casual

There was a post on here recently about men doing just that! They were older though. 60s I think

I got up early to say goodbye to him

Maybe he found that too much?

Yeah possibly @diddl

Difficult to read. He was quietly confident but slightly bumbling if that makes sense. He has a long career in a responsible job handling high stakes things (think public sector to keep it vague) however I did wonder if there may be a very small trace of neurodiversity.

I think I am going to have to message him but I will leave it til the weekend as I know he's working Friday. Also don't want to seem stalkerish by doing it right away after everyone has got home from their flights and unpacking.
One message only and then leave it.
I'm busy with friends and kids over the next few days so plenty to keep me occupied.

@ThatAquaRobin your age isn’t even a thing .
Who in their 40s doesn’t have baggage if not kids .
it was maybe just what he needed and you too if your honest.
He obviously just didn’t want more . It is nothing personal. .sounds great fun .
Take the fun and the experience from it . Don’t over think .

How are you an older woman!? Would a 49 year old man feel much older to a 45 year old woman?

It's more about life stages.
I don't think he has kids (or he never mentioned any)

OK so the age and kids thing is something your saying to yourself. Just message him or put something on the group chat and see if he responds?