Men who put their partner down in front of others

[Somethingthecatdraggedin7]

I have witnessed this happen to friends and acquaintances so often, nasty remarks barely disguised as humour and I would appreciate suggestions on what if anything to say.
If I say nothing it feels like I am condoning the “joke”.
Recent examples being around a friend's weight and her husband laughingly said “spot the beached whale” when we were looking at their holiday photos.
Another who dismissed his wife’s decorating skills as “toddler level” when I was seeing their new house when in fact she had done a great job of painting the walls.
The women laugh it off in an embarrassed way and I feel awful for them having a man who behaves like this.
I want to show that this is not acceptable and shame the arsehole blokes because all the time it is tolerated they think it is ok.
Obviously at heart this is an issue for the women to address within their relationship but from my own circle it seems they don’t (and not my place to judge them for this at all) because nothing changes.
At the very least I don’t want to be made part of the abuse.

I would not confront the man. I would wait and speak to the woman when on your own and let her know it's not acceptable and that you're there to support.

Gosh your friends must have some awful partners.

If they made remarks like that infront of me I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop myself challenging the truth of what they have said and actually telling them " that's a dreadful thing to say"

Maybe in some instances you could follow up with a positive remake. “Really, I think the decorating is lovely, looks like xx did alot of hard work” “ I think x looks great “ I think sometimes this can embarrass the person making remark to maybe think twice about what they have said.

I'm fond of a straight look at the bloke, "did you mean to be so rude?".

Men who do the put downs are engaged in a power game to humiliate their partner. The risk is that confronting them may lead them to take out rage on the woman later.

It's not worth getting involved in a power game. The more productive and safer approach is to speak to the woman.

They're already taking it out on her. It's important when you're in that situation to know that other people will stick up for you. Even better if another man challenges them if course.

Well, sometimes, maybe. I am just wary because the last time I was involved in one of these performative public shamings the guy turned out to be dangerously abusive behind closed doors.

It may just be a low-level arsehole.

Or you may just be seeing the tip of the iceberg.

They chose to stay with them so I don't say much about their judgement, no one deserves to be treated badly but people will get the behaviour they accept.

Will the men that do this change? I doubt it yet they manage to get and keep desperate women

Abused women often aren't really making a choice freely, though. That's what coercion and control is all about.

"What the fuck!" To the beached whale comment (what an absolute arsehole) and compliments and validation to the woman in the decorating scenario.

Don’t you just look at him and say, “I can’t believe you just said that”, followed by a compliment to the wife? The beached whale comment is particularly nasty, because there isn’t a woman on the planet who is entirely happy about her weight/appearance.

they manage to get and keep desperate women

As I get older, I wonder this so much more.

WHY are we, as women, so desperate for relationships and love that we tolerate this absolute shite from men? And I'm not just pointing out at others, I'm pointing back in at myself. The horrible, horrible stuff I've tolerated from men. And when I look back, at the quality of those men, who in actuality, were so beneath me. And yet I allowed them to mistreat me, talk down to me, undervalue me. In every case, when I eventually wised up, they were devastated when I left. Genuinely. After years of treating me like shit.

I absolutely think we need to call out shit male behaviour. Not argue about it maybe, but not let public put-downs stand unchallenged. How dare they? These should-be incel men who through luck have managed to snare great women who hold them up.

Coercive control is usually a process. It involves a lot of manipulation and destabilisation.

Although there is room to question why women are led to believe their worth depends on a man's desire for them.

Love bombing is.presented as romantic, when it's actually an early red flag.

That’s awful. It’s actually something I see more from women though (perhaps not quite “beached whale level…”) but amongst my friends and family it’s so common to put the men down, something my husband picked up on very early in our relationship and I’m very mindful of, it’s done with good humour, but I do sometimes want to tell my SIL to stop it!! I don’t think they realise how it sounds, they think they’re being funny.

I know it shouldn't be the case but some men (abuser's) wouldn't like being taken down a peg by a woman by telling him straight and that could make it worse for the wife /partner behind closed doors.

because there isn’t a woman on the planet who is entirely happy about her weight/appearance.

Eh?

You sound like a kind & decent person op but, to be blunt, you'd be wasting your time.

Any woman who hears something like that once from their male partner and who doesn't verbally box his ears after to such an extent that he is very disinclined to repeat the behaviour; is essentially in an unequal, abusive relationship.

They know they are too. It's obvious.

Being in the relationship/having a partner is more important to them than being treated decently/respectfully.

They don't want to end things with him, if push comes to shove, and have the risk of not finding a replacement partner.
That's what it boils down to.

If that's someone's values/priorities; you won't change them.

(And a lot of people have those priorities).

If kids are involved, they may stay until they're an age that's "acceptable" in their minds to split...so you trying to help them won't change that timescale either.

To the man: “you can’t be serious!!?”

Being in the relationship/having a partner is more important to them than being treated decently/respectfully.
They don't want to end things with him, if push comes to shove, and have the risk of not finding a replacement partner. That's what it boils down to. If that's someone's values/priorities, you won't change them.

Maybe do a bit of reading up on coercion and abusive relationships. You're exhibiting a very basic misunderstanding of the dynamics.

Both the men in the examples I mentioned are utterly grim and I can’t for the life of me see how they have the arrogance (not even considering the cruelty) to say these things.

Neither of them could be considered conventionally handsome, they are not capable adults (ie wife has to organise and manage their lives) and they aren’t socially successful.
About the only positive I could say is that they both earn a good salary, albeit they keep most of it to themselves.
I agree with the pp that we are conditioned to think we must have a man to be validated as women. I certainly went down that route and have tolerated crap from men, although never public nastiness at this level.
I feel like I sleepwalked through my life as regards relationships with men and differentiating what was or was not in my interest until I reached my fifties when I started to question why I was looking after these man babies and letting them take and take from me.
Personally, I would never want another relationship because I don’t trust myself to keep my boundaries. Once I love someone I think I would still fall into the same trap so I am better off with my cat who treats me much better than any man has ever done.

WHY are we, as women, so desperate for relationships and love that we tolerate this absolute shite from men?

People, especially women, are fed the message from childhood that they are not valid/valuable/normal without a partner.

I've been hearing about the children in my child's class from P1 acting like they are mini adults (especially the girls) seeking to form bf/gf relationships, being teased about any interaction between them and the opposite sex, "crushes" being discussed etc .... reflecting what they are taught at home and by others.

I couldn't take my then 6 yr old DD to meet an acquaintance and his partner, without the partner (in her 50s maybe) asking my DD "do you have a boyfriend?".

Until recently every single Disney film, aimed at kids, was a romance.

Weddings and partnerships are still held up as the "dream", the ideal, the necessity. A check box you can't not check without being a failure or oddity.

I disagree that it’s a waste of time. It’s important to call it out and show solidarity in the moment.

I'm very well aware of coercion and abusive relationships.

Imho however - the values in women of "must have a partner", "can't be single", "must conform", "can't take the risk of being alone/on the shelf", "can't break up the kids home" etc. underpins a lot of the success of coercive and abusive men..

It’s not that. It’s often more that weak and insecure men are desperate for relationships and looking after, but take out their weaknesses and insecurities on their partners and as women are kinder to others than to themselves, even if they hate the situation they’re in with the man they’re with. they put up with it because it seems simply easier to stay put than to break free of it. And often feel like the man is actually a dependent, another child. Awful.

This!

my best friends husband made a horrible comment about the way she dresses. And I immediately said “that’s an awful thing to say”. He shrunk right down.

id hope my friend would do the same for me too.