Men who put their partner down in front of others

[Somethingthecatdraggedin7]

I have witnessed this happen to friends and acquaintances so often, nasty remarks barely disguised as humour and I would appreciate suggestions on what if anything to say.
If I say nothing it feels like I am condoning the “joke”.
Recent examples being around a friend's weight and her husband laughingly said “spot the beached whale” when we were looking at their holiday photos.
Another who dismissed his wife’s decorating skills as “toddler level” when I was seeing their new house when in fact she had done a great job of painting the walls.
The women laugh it off in an embarrassed way and I feel awful for them having a man who behaves like this.
I want to show that this is not acceptable and shame the arsehole blokes because all the time it is tolerated they think it is ok.
Obviously at heart this is an issue for the women to address within their relationship but from my own circle it seems they don’t (and not my place to judge them for this at all) because nothing changes.
At the very least I don’t want to be made part of the abuse.

It comes out of the blue. Abusers are not abusive all of the time. All can seem fine and then - bam - no one wants to acknowledge it - a nice social event has suddenly taken a dark turn and revealed an abusive dynamic. But there was no build up - did it really happen - there’s no fall out - did I imagine it or not get the joke?

Everyone wants to repair the disruption and pretend it was a joke and has no meaning. This is the intention of the abuser. It’s not just the unfortunate partner who is susceptible to these techniques it is also those in non abusive relationships who only encounter them rarely. Just consider how much worse it is for the partner constantly experiencing destabilising techniques and the strength it requires to survive and hopefully leave.

It is nothing to do with female conditioning. It has everything to do with coercive control. Unless you want to believe that strong, independent and educated women who had no problem ending relationships with previous partners because they weren’t working are somehow responsible for the future behaviour of partners that seemed genuine at the initial stage?

You may have planned a child only to find that your seemingly loving DP/DH becomes abusive while you are pregnant or soon after giving birth because you didn’t realise you were engaged in a power struggle and have now become weak and dependant in their eyes.

If there is conditioning I think it is human - a tendency to believe others to be honest and trustworthy and our own ability to recognise a liar and a cheat from the off. This is why people are scammed. An abuser is an accomplished scammer. And draws others into the scam. This is why people say they would call it out. This may make them feel better about themselves but does nothing to end the scam/abuse. I can remember other women talking to me alone and me dismissing the concern due to shame. They were just acquaintances and I needed more. Signposting to organisations like women’s aid are far more useful.

My ex has recently started cohabiting and with the promise of financially supporting his new partner so she doesn’t have to work - how kind. He has also tried to ditch responsibility to providing for his 1st family to be able to support her to show her how important she is. But he has moved her 400 miles from her family and support network and made her solely dependent on him. There is a rationale to this behaviour that is not conducive to her well being. And a well established pattern. I’m glad I escaped but I still feel sorry for her - not because I think she was desperate but because she is being conned and has a whole world of pain to come.

I've been ruminating on this thread and I'm considering speaking to the guy next time I see him (after seeing if the wife minds). All layered in concern and caring for him but I wonder if couching it as concern that he seems unhappy in the relationship might make him think about his behaviour...some of these guys from previous posts probably not so much though ☹️

I did this once when I was younger (as in, I put my partner down in front of his friends). It was a terrible thing to do, but I now know, with hindsight, that it was because I was unhappy in the relationship and very insecure around his friends. It’s completely inexcusable behaviour and if I caught myself doing it again with a future partner (hopefully not!), I’ll know there’s something deeply wrong with the relationship / my state of mind.

It’s just such a horrible thing to do.