Men who put their partner down in front of others

[Somethingthecatdraggedin7]

I have witnessed this happen to friends and acquaintances so often, nasty remarks barely disguised as humour and I would appreciate suggestions on what if anything to say.
If I say nothing it feels like I am condoning the “joke”.
Recent examples being around a friend's weight and her husband laughingly said “spot the beached whale” when we were looking at their holiday photos.
Another who dismissed his wife’s decorating skills as “toddler level” when I was seeing their new house when in fact she had done a great job of painting the walls.
The women laugh it off in an embarrassed way and I feel awful for them having a man who behaves like this.
I want to show that this is not acceptable and shame the arsehole blokes because all the time it is tolerated they think it is ok.
Obviously at heart this is an issue for the women to address within their relationship but from my own circle it seems they don’t (and not my place to judge them for this at all) because nothing changes.
At the very least I don’t want to be made part of the abuse.

"That's a horrible thing to say about your wife, Bert." Death stare.

I consider insults like that verbal abuse. That some men feel free to do it in front of others means they are much worse behind the scenes.

I might give them a heads up on dv resources.

My friends husband is like this, with a side dish of severe depression so everyone's worried about upsetting him and calling him out.
I've suggested she leave him, she isn't happy, but their kids would be devastated and so she sticks it out. He's holding all of them back so much, it's depressing tbh.

It's ok, if it's funny. But it very rarely is

@pangolinpan i have a friend in a marraige like that, hes a miserable bastard !

A simple hard stare and a ‘that’s not funny’ comment would make your feelings clear. Practice it, say it. This awful kind of behaviour happens because no one calls them out on it. By not calling it out, it gives them license to continue, and license to anyone else observing.

I agree. It shows both the man and the woman in question that the behaviour is not acceptable and it will be called out. I would never be silent if I heard something like this, and have challenged this sort of behaviour in the past. I won’t be a willing witness to abusive behaviour.

My ex husband was like this, except it was usually really intimate things that were completely and utterly false and wholly inappropriate. He particularly liked doing this with an audience and if I said anything or spoke up (which I always did), he’d laugh and say sorry but then carry on saying I had no sense of humour. It was fucking disgusting and I didn’t realise how abusive this behaviour was. He just enjoyed humiliating me. Absolute cunt of a man.

Hi @Somethingthecatdraggedin7

Its shit behaviour off low grade men. They are words that would never fall out of my mouth after seeing the hurt they cause as a child.

I find these types of men can’t take being called out and can react in horrible ways. One trick I picked up off social media was to simply repeat what they have said and ask for clarification.

”Sorry Bill what did you just say”

they repeat (sometimes they won’t) because they know

”Yes I thought you said that”

Then no more comment or anything just silence and move on, brings attention to thier shitty words let’s them and you’re friend know you have clocked it and is non confrontational as they can’t be sure you did mishear or not.

I see this a lot with friends and even family members relationships. put downs disguised as humour exactly how you have described. it's usually the male partner putting the female down but I have seen it the other way around too. I've even tolerated it myself In my previous ltr where dp couldn't say anything nice about me to other people, but i wasnt supposed to take it seriously cos it was "just for laughs" although luckily dp didnt insult my physical appearance.
It just seemed to be the norm and acceptable where we are. Now I'm older i see things differently and wouldn't tolerate that shite and now I defo call men out if I hear them insulting their partner and let them know it's far from funny. these men are never anything special themselves.

At the very least, I'd raise and eyebrow and or say something like 'Am I supposed to be impressed or amused by that comment?'

This.

@pomanderDelight I'm hazarding a guess that ghis kind of thing doeksmt happen in healthy relationships.

Curious to know, as an accomplished woman who sees the nastiness for what it is and has the courage to call it out, and having experienced this with your ex; why do you tolerate it?

Calling out is one thing, but having to shield this kind of bullshit repeatedly to the point where others are commending you on how well you manage it must be exhausting.

I find a quick “how rude.” does the job

"Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours burn brighter"

Men who talk like this are seeing what they can get away with. If we tolerate them publically humiliating their wife, it gives them the impression that we agree with them. This shouldn't stand, everyone should at least make a disgusted face.

My FIL did this to his wife all the time, it was awful. Within the first 20 minutes of me meeting him at my then-bf's flat for the first time, FIL (then in his 70s) literally complained to me that "My wife packed too many shirts" and I said, "You're lucky she packed anything at all." He was astounded!

Later, after I pointed out how demeaning FIL was to MIL, my bf (later H) started really taking his father to task about how he spoke to/about MIL, and I noticed FIL stopped doing it.

So even the old ones can be trained. Everyone needs to train them.

They do this to look big and clever with other men, I don't know to "show" they are in charge and what doing the woman a favour to have sex with and be looked after.

If other men called them out on it, which my H will happily do, they really don't look that big or clever as much anymore.

So if you have a H who is around when these comments are made you need to get him to say something counteractive, it would be much, so much more effective.

Both the men in the examples I mentioned are utterly grim and I can’t for the life of me see how they have the arrogance (not even considering the cruelty) to say these things.

Neither of them could be considered conventionally handsome, they are not capable adults (ie wife has to organise and manage their lives) and they aren’t socially successful.

That's it though isn't it? It's ALWAYS these sub par men who do this shit to their female partners. They have somehow managed to snag a woman who they have no business being with, and who shoildnt have even looked his way. They deep down know this, and these digs and comments are his way of grinding her down and keeping her with him. Sorry, I'm just so sick of seeing attractive, accomplished women with sub-par men. I'm off to bed now.

When he says something like, “Spot the beached whale” say, “Could you repeat that please?” It puts him on the spot to have to say it again and he won’t want to because he knows it’s wrong and you’ve drawn attention to it. It will make him very, very uncomfortable. Might make him think twice about doing it in future.

I favour one of two approaches: a very cool and prolonged stare that suggests I would take great pleasure in slowly maiming the miscreant. Feigning a total lack of understanding of what they’ve just said, or asking them to repeat it before saying ‘no, sorry, still don’t get it.’ I have twats in my sphere who mumble offensive remarks and I find getting them to repeat it works wonders. A late uncle of mine used to make demeaning comments about my aunt in front of others. My aunt just seemed to put up with it and I found it a mystery as she was not a meek person by any means.

I like and do this. Non confrontational but shows you don’t agree with them, and want to lift the friend up.

These are not so nice comments. But I do think there is a huge double standard and that it's quite normal for women to make these comments about men?

I find these comments distasteful whoever makes them, and respond the same way each time.

It's needlessly hurtful to the target, and very uncomfortable for the audience, and should not be tolerated.

I hated it when my father did it to my mother, and I equally hated it when my mother did it to my father.

I agree. My issue with this post is that (as with many topics on this site) that men are only guilty of doing it

I was the woman in this scenario SO many times. My xh used to get photos out of me when young (and thin - his main focus) and literally show them to other guys, saying "look how beautiful she was" - they always cringed and had no idea how to handle it. He was desperate to show that when he "picked" me I was acceptable, so when I was bigger that wasn't down to his poor choice. He did it to mutual friends in couples situations, to much younger employees (both they and I wanted to die of embarrassment).

There were numerous occasions but the photo ones spring to mind. Nobody ever called him out at the time. None of the women, if present, ever spoke to me about it but their pity and embarrassment was palpable.

Over the years, three men approached me privately, more than once each, saying something like "I've been feeling awful since Sat, I should have called him out on what he said but didn't want to cause a scene/spotlight it/whatever". Every time I said not your job, I understand, don't worry, my problem etc.

One of those men is still ostensibly friends with xh and new partner to this day. (She's thin, so his ego is ok). He was someone who was so worried about me at one point he rang an old friend to check on me (but still wouldn't step in, I think we both had feelings for each other we never acted on and he didn't want to overstep/upset his wife by seeming to care). Another is still in touch with him but much more friendly with me and my now dh and very critical of exh. A third barely ever sees either of us but is polite to him socially.

I totally understand why nobody wanted to insert themselves into that dynamic but I wish many more people had stood up for me to my xh. It was a really fucking lonely place to be with everyone pretending all was well and therefore condoning it. I might have got away sooner with more support.

@EmeraldDreams73i could’ve written your post. I’m glad you’re away as I am. I’ve bumped into some people recently from that time and have turned my back.
They didn’t stick up for me, made me think it was totally normal yet inside I was so hurt and insecure.
I will see likely see my ex at our daughters graduation this year, I’m intending to hold my head high - life has come a long way in 16 years and he can’t do that to my face ever again