What the hell happened and why do I care ?

[Usedtobeswimming]

This is long.
In short - I feel like a naive fool and also very angry and confused , hurt and sad. I think that writing all this down in full and reading any responses is going to help me process and move on.

So DP and I met 10 years ago . We got to know one another slowly as we were both hurt by previous marriages. We eventually developed a very passionate bond, neither of us having had great physical relationships previously . I felt I’d found my person , and he said the same . We had young children of similar ages who met a year after we got together and eventually became very close.

We never lived together, but after our children had met and become friends , he moved to the village where we lived and we then spent most weekends and holidays all together with our children as well as having a shared hobby we did together without them .

The children are now late teens/ at Uni/ grown up. We had begun to discuss moving in together, probably once my youngest was at uni .

Then, just over two years ago, my eldest adult dc became seriously unwell and was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia. There have been a lot of crises. Helping my dc and coping with this was - and is still- really challenging.

I was also diagnosed with PTSD ( DC crisis events and also childhood trauma ) and had intense therapy .

DP found all this difficult.Although he was supportive at first, I - understandably I think - could not simply put my feelings in a box whenever I was with him , or remain unmoved about or uninvolved in , my DC’s situation.

He said I was becoming “too emotional”, and that he couldn’t cope, and he started becoming distant and spending long periods “taking time out “ from being with me.

However we continued with our shared hobby and were loving and intimate when together, and I believed we were still in a loving and committed partnership and just having some tough times .

Then my youngest child, aged 14, was diagnosed with PTSD due to experiences resulting from eldest dc’s MH crises, and from being bullied at school about this . We had good support from services but the school didn’t handle things well.

So, last spring, I decided to move to a different area so that my youngest could attend a new school and live in a community where any further eldest dc mh crises would not happen immediately around us or involve anyone known to youngest dc.

Everyone -except DP- encouraged and supported this , including services supporting both DC’s and me, my friends and work colleagues .

So we moved here last summer holidays and are now 40 minutes away from previous area, and youngest is doing really well, taking GCSE’s and has lovely new friends . I am still able to support eldest dc whilst also maintaining boundaries for us all.

I now have a longer commute to my full time , professional job but have managed to get our new house sorted including new bathroom and kitchen , changed cars and organised the refurb and sale of a buy to let in order to fund everything .

As with everything ever , I’ve done it all without anyone to delegate anything to, although I have lovely and supportive friends both in new area and old, and fantastic colleagues at work. We had hot meals and baths and help during the refurb .

DP initially sulked and said I was being controlling by imposing distance on our relationship, and that he didn’t want to have to drive whenever he wanted to see me.

He wouldn’t help me with anything to do with selling and buying or moving and wouldn’t listen to me talk about it .

He then began to make excuses and wouldn’t meet up or visit during the summer as we settled in here, saying he needed space . I didn’t see or even hear from him for all of July and August . When he wouldn’t communicate at all about the August holiday we’d booked for us ,with all our children , that we’d arranged back in January, I started to face that he’d ghosted me .

I was really upset, but I put all my energy into settling us into the new house and area.

The new school term began and shortly afterwards, eldest DC very sadly was sectioned again.

DP soon began messaging asking if we were ok ,but wouldn’t reply to my questions about what had happened to our relationship, nor make plans to meet. This continued throughout autumn and winter .

I’m afraid the pattern then became me messaging and apologising for having moved, for having been too emotional and not prioritising our relationship.

He was sporadic in replying, saying I had hurt his feelings and he was afraid of further hurt . He kept describing me as “too emotional “ and saying I’d shut him out and driven him away , and that he needed space before seeing me but also said that he missed me and wanted us to meet “soon”.

I continued to apologise and plead with him to give us another chance.

He visited my eldest in hospital and communicated kindly with my other dc throughout this time .

At Christmas, he began asking to meet . He sent long apologies and sounded as though he’d really done some work on himself, describing his behaviour as avoidant and saying he no longer held me entirely responsible for our separation.

He said he loved and missed me and wanted to try again. We began to communicate about our shared hobby and to talk on the phone late at night , laughing and being loving again. It seemed we were rebuilding our connection .

He told me he’d “had a fling” during the summer which was why he’d stopped contact . He spoke about this as an experience that had happened in reaction to feeling abandoned by me and angry that I had not given him a choice in where I lived .
He said the experience had taught him what a good relationship we’d had and how he’d not worked as hard as he should have to support me and make it work .

Somehow, I became besotted with him in a way I had not felt before. I became almost obsessed with missing him and wanting us to be together . I kept this all inside , embarrassed to tell anyone .

In January this year, when youngest DC was away, and after talking to me on the phone all day ,he spontaneously and unexpectedly appeared at my door. There was a passionate “reunion” and we had a weekend together behaving like lovesick teenagers .

It was lovely and we agreed to take it slowly , and to gradually rebuild things .

He then messaged me morning and night with huge affection and it was like when we’d first got together .

He visited again a few weeks later and we had another “romantic and passionate “ time whilst my dc was away.
I then rang him the next evening and he cut me off , then sent a series of texts telling me not to ring him ,asking why I had and saying I must “stop behaving as if we are back together “ and then silence for several days .

He then sent a long email, telling me that he hadn’t been honest and that the fling had in fact been a relationship which he was still in the process of ending.

He went into long and uncomfortable details about how and why it was difficult due to her mental health and her children’s behaviour problems.

He told me that he’d joined a dating site when I’d said I was moving because he’d been angry and felt abandoned . He said he’d met someone immediately and had thrown himself into a relationship in order to get over me, and that she had seemed to be “calm and gentle “ and not “ overly emotional like me” .

He said this had changed quickly and that she was actually now even more over emotional than me and he had quickly regretted starting it but didn’t know how to end it .

She’d been in his car when I rang and saw my name flash up on his dashboard and he’d been in the process of ending things with her but because I’d rung, she now believed the ending was because of me.
He said I’d messed things up and he now couldn’t end it with her until time had passed because he didn’t want her to think he’d cheated on her or was leaving her because of me.

He said he would no longer meet with me because “it would be dishonourable to her “ but asked me to be patient while he ended things.

I was furious and told him I would never have engaged with him at all had I known he was with someone .

He sent endless , lengthy messages and voicemails begging me to hang on and saying how much he loved me and how bad he felt for messing his girlfriend and me around . He told me she was suicidal and that he felt trapped .
I didn’t engage .

Then one of my adult DC told me she had just been to a community event in my old neighbourhood and had chatted to a woman who’d recently moved to the area from 300 miles away to live with her partner whom she’d met online. They’d had a whirlwind romance last spring ,and he’d helped her to find a house to buy. This house is three doors down from the house I’d just moved out of.

Her partner came over and it was “DP”. He seemed embarrassed to see my DC and later made a point of speaking privately to her, saying he still loved me and wanted to be with me and was trying to end it with the woman .

He asked DC not to mention anything about me to her as she didn’t know there was any family of mine locally and he’d told her that we’d broken up in 2022 and had no contact since .

He said she had no idea that I’d lived so close to her new house or that my DC lived locally . He told her he’d not wanted to visit me, but that I’d constantly begged and put pressure on him to see my new house . He denied sleeping with me.

He actually went to my DC house on a pretext a few days later to repeat all this on the doorstep . DC is disgusted and she -and all my DC- no longer want anything to do with him.

So, this woman had actually been staying at weekends with him shortly after I’d begun plans to move, and had begun buying her house whilst I was still living three doors down , whilst I was still asking him why he was being distant and had no idea what was going on.

I know I should have cut all contact as soon as I heard this , but I’m afraid I sent an anguished email asking what the hell was going on.

He replied repeating his story that he loves me and that she is unwell and he’s supporting her until she gets back on her feet.

He said he feels responsible for her having made a life changing decision which has turned out to be a mistake and that although he doesn’t love her, he wants her to think well of him.
He said her family are furious with him and he doesn’t want to “look bad to everyone “ so is ending things gently and doesn’t want anyone to know about me. He still wants me to wait . Whatever that means .

So obviously I’ve now stopped communicating with him completely and realise that he is not someone to yearn for or miss.

But I’m really struggling because I am missing him and am trying to process how someone I loved and was so close with for so long can behave like this to me and to someone else too. I’m furious with myself for getting drawn into this and for sleeping with him whilst he was in a relationship. I’d never have engaged at all had I known.

I’ve known and loved this man for almost ten years . How did I get it so wrong ?

He’s obviously treated both me and this poor woman in an appalling way. Over many months . I really feel sorry for her . She has moved her family to a new area to be with someone she thinks is the love of her life , without knowing what he is up to behind her back or what his back story is .

But .He was my partner and our now almost adult children have grown up together.
I thought we’d get over this difficult time and settle down into retirement together .

I keep thinking he will contact me with some reasonable explanation and ask to meet up.
And I’m afraid that I might respond if he did . I haven’t spoken to anyone about this in real life as I am embarrassed at what has happened and how it has affected me. I feel like a fool .

We are all late 50’s and professionals, and yet this sounds like some bad teenage drama . I can’t get my head around how badly he has behaved or why I am still thinking about it all.

thank you if you’ve read all of this . It has helped to write it down , and posting it will help hold me accountable to myself if he does make contact again .

You are grieving for what you thought you had, not what you have, and you are grieving the loss of your hopes and dreams, your shared future. But now you need to open your eyes and look reality right in the face - this man is NOT good for you, the OW, your dc, or any decent human being. He is as worthy of your thoughts and your love as the dirt under shoe. He is a nothing.

I suspect he has chipped away at your boundaries until there are none so please start The Freedom Programme as soon as you can to begin building them back up. You need to protect yourself.

I would not deal with his other woman. That's going in the wrong direction, more involved in this ugly lunacy rather than far out of it.

Instead of continuing to play this highly dysfunctional, self-defeating, humiliating game, I highly suggest therapy. You don't seem to have much insight as to why you'd allow someone to treat you this way, many rounds of cheating, lying and using you at his convenience.

I think if you don't go deeper into your own issues and get a grasp of what in the world you are doing and why, you're very likely to just find yourself in another mess like this, either with him or some other slick talking douche.

Best wishes.

I must say you do sound like an admirable, capable and loving mother

Tell her. Find her and tell her.

If it helps at all I think I'd feel how you are right now and it's partly because, I think, he's made a lie of so much of your time together. You thought you were with one person and everything in the last couple of years now says that he couldn't possibly have been the person you thought he was and who he told you he was because if that was true how on earth could he be this truly awful person he is now. It's clear, I think, that when it was good it was a really good relationship but I'm guessing that beneath the surface something was missing but because life was easier, mental health issues hadn't yet materialised, life went on, the something missing wasn't obvious because life was "normal" for want of a better word.

When life got slightly difficult you met this version of him but were doing everything for your DC so that he had to take back seat for a time. He could have been supporting you but he bowed out and worse decided he'd find a "less emotionally difficult woman" to give him a break from, what? Life as it really is? No thought for you, for your DC, for the other woman who was being brought into something she still knows nothing about. It was all what made life best for him and seems to have torn assunder any notion that he is a decent human being.

But once upon a time you thought he was. I would have thought that he was and oh it can be so hard to let go of that even when you have let go and are moving on and have been, may I say, such a wonderful mother to your DC when they needed you, you put them first.

Re the other woman. I think it's far too easy for us to say tell her/don't tell her. So, what you do is with you. You obviously owe her nothing but she's just another pawn in his ugly game of poor old me and these difficult women Chess. You don't have to talk to her or have anything to do with her because it's not your problem, but you want to because whatever he has said about you, he has said about her. She is difficult, he can't just leave her even though he wants to be with .... etc. It's painful to see him hurt someone else or to be on the verge of it because I'm seeing another woman moving to be closer to him and soothe his poor hard down by brow because it's all about you and her and every woman who wants more than nominal support. It's clear that you loved him and would have supported him if he'd been going through what you were. It's clear that you are an emotionally intelligent and caring person who is there for those she loves. It is also clear that he is a total fucking nightmare of a ballsac of shit and bile.

Do what makes you feel best within yourself. If that means talking to her, you're doing it through kindness and care and I wouldn't see it as being for any other reason. She is part of a toxic scenario that she has no idea exists. She's as innocent in wrong doing as you are, you just know more. Equally if you don't want to talk to her to tell her, that's fine because I know you must feel for her but you have done and did nothing to make any of this come to pass. In short, you need looking after and part of that is going to be you looking after yourself. Do what brings you the least pain and helps you move away from him emotionally, which will happen because you are so much stronger than you think and so much stronger than many of us responding to your lovely self. Gosh, I hope he gets what's coming to him and I'm looking forward to knowing from a distance that you will be fine and ultimately, try as he might, he won't be because he's an absolute fucking arsehole of an excuse for a man. He's a big fat piece of nothing and you, you're the sort of person we need more of in this messed up world of ours.

That cowardly, lying weasel bastard.

The other woman is very unlikely to be crazy, any more than you are. He’s just using this as an excuse for his continuing behaviour.

I’m really angry on your behalf.

Utter fuckweasel of a man. It seems he believes this is everybody’s fault except his own!

What an absolutely appalling man. Selfish, immature and manipulative. Why you have continued trying to make this work is a mystery. Find someone who deserves you. He’s a complete arsehole.

What would you tell your daughter if she were in your position?
Would you tell her to keep hoping and waiting and sitting by the phone?
Would you tell her to involve herself further and get in touch with the other woman?
Bloody hell you certainly would not.
So stop it.
It isn’t going to be easy, but remind yourself of this MASSIVE ICEBERG you just managed to dodge and that you’re still afloat and still beautiful and still strong and still heading in the right direction:
Which is away from that sketchy dude.

You’ve had a terrible time but it’s tome
to move forward.
Stop thinking of her. She’s a grown woman
who quite frankly must’ve been mad to move her kids after such a short time. You can’t put energy into that.
Can you book counselling to overcome him?

You don't actually miss him. You miss the idea of and what/who you thought he was.

This, 100%.
Wishing you and your family a peaceful and happy life in your new neighbourhood x

Gosh! What an insane thing to have to go through op. People can be utterly selfish but this one is a step above!

I recognise that need to understand the psychology behind the actions and I think it’s natural that you are questioning and going over and continuing to hope. But all of that is what you need to stop doing so you can start to heal and move on.

He’s shown you who he is. Whether it is always who he has been is almost irrelevant. He let you down when you needed support, he lied to you repeatedly. Although you can’t be sure he’s lying now or what parts are lies and what’s the truth - what you do KNOW he’s a proven liar whose word can no longer just be trusted.

You still love him so moving on will be hard. One day at a time, focus on other things and try to limit looking at social media etc. Keep strong, as you’ve already shown yourself to be.

I only read half as too long but block him. You don’t need that type of man around you and your DC

Oh my god. I am angry for you, he is 100%, absolute, horrendous trash.

At first I thought the relationship would go south due to your DC’s problems (my DM also has schizophrenia and unfortunately it impacts everyone around her, you did really well in moving) but the only reason the relationship faulted was because he doesn’t want an actual relationship, he wants a fantasy where everything is catered to his existence.

I would find out this new woman’s contact and send her everything you have in the way of communications with him. He deserves the shaming.

I was cheated on in a similar way before (except she knew she started out as the OW, but under the impression he was “ending things”) and it all came up when I called him at a random time and she saw it. It taught me that if men don’t pick up, act like it’s an inconvenience or start going missing, it’s 100% because there’s someone else. No other reason.

I’m going to follow up by saying that you shouldn’t message the other woman. It’s not up to you to pass on the message. She’s just moved 300 miles with her kids and bought the house - she’s trapped and obviously in love. Messaging her will backfire on you, who will be the ‘crazy ex girlfriend’. From what your post said it’s clear he’s good at manipulating situations to make him seem like the good guy or the victim. But even if it didn’t backfire, you’d just have another person distraught, hurting and 300 miles away from friends and family. Their relationship will either work out or it won’t and nothing you say is likely to make much difference anyway.

OP, firstly, can I just say that I’m full of admiration that you found the strength in a truly difficult situation to do the very best for your family in moving and starting afresh.
A MH crisis can break you and all involved but you’ve managed to keep your job and make new friends too. A massive achievement!
As for the sewer rat, I urge you to completely disentangle yourself. Use the courage you found for the move. Be kind to yourself, perhaps even keep the hobby but in your area with new friends?
I wish you and your family all the very best x

@TheMathofLoveTriangles i disagree with not telling but I just want to say I love your username 😭

Hi @Usedtobeswimming . Have a read about trauma bonds, his on/off behaviour during a time up you were under tremendous pressures and had every right and expectation that he would support you would have been incredibly damaging

He is an unspeakable fuckwit, how dare he do this to you, you did nothing wrong and he should have had your back not behaved like a petulant child who wasn’t the centre of attention. I think he has realised he’s fucked everything up and is trying to get out of it unscathed but there is no way to do that. I’m so sorry your future won’t be as you planned but it can still be great and at least it won’t have fickle, untrustworthy man hanging round your neck.

I would write and tell her, it will be painful for all but sunlight is the best disinfectant and he can’t then style it out to others and he will hopefully be so ashamed he will fuck off far, far away.

Well he's a right cunt isn't he? How men like this have the nerve to call women in these situations controlling is beyond me. Is it a case of better the devil you know for you I wonder?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single as you get older. I'm 57 and have been single through choice for nearly eight years. Having spent all my adult life in reationships pandering to men in one way or another since being a teenager, it is refreshing and joyful. I have no intention of having a relationship again.

He's the one with mh issues..
Get yourself a dcat.. Much more loyal.. And affectionate without conditions..
Block and delete anything from that twat. Glad your dc have got the measure of him.

you are a strong woman '
you have got through a lot without him
he has checked out
do not waste your time

Pp nailed it: step outside yourself and imagine your daughter in this position. You still feel more wounded than angry. It would be good if you could find your anger over how he has treated you and your child and use that anger to Block him in every possible way. He's a horrible person who will only give you grief. Stay away. 💗

Thank you so much for this .
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read such a lengthy post.

I am definitely missing someone who now apparently never was .
I think I’m going over things in such detail because this behaviour has seemed so out of character and such a contrast to who I thought he was , who I hoped he would be in future , and the life and I thought we’d have together .

I deliberately wrote things down from my “sad and abandoned “ inner self . It’s not what others would see, and certainly not my DC. I haven’t appeared on the outside to be deeply affected by this.

I wonder whether perhaps that - outwardly - strong and capable persona , coping with and sorting out everything and everyone was only convenient to him when we met , and actually not attractive at all.
The first year of our relationship we met up on child free weekends , and I didn’t have very regular ones, so a lot of our connection was built up over long messages, emails and phone calls. We didn’t want to introduce our children for over a year, and once we did , he fairly quickly moved into my area - and hour from the town where he’d lived with his family and where he was renting a flat. Writing this down it looks like a pattern forming . So whenever he had his children to stay , he would bring them over to mine for the day, or invite me and mine over to his . Walking distance, so staying the night was never an issue. We did camping holidays, holiday houses and days out with the children . There were always long periods of very little contact but always long messages between us .

That suited me as I was always clear that my DC came first and that our home and routine had to be about them. But thinking about it, this was very convenient for him, as he never had to be on his own with his children . They were close in age to my middle one and loved my youngest, so would go off and play together, allowing us to talk and relax.
I guess I felt like we were a sort of extended family unit when we were together , yet both had plenty of time as our own family . Except he didn’t did he . Perhaps he has always strung other women along whilst not physically with me . He was often busy or in need of down time on his child free weekends . He wasn’t so keen on being around me when he was child free if my children were with me. And I have never had many child free days a year, so times like summer holidays and Christmas, I’d barely see him, and thought this worked for us both in the same way. Now I’m not sure.

There is a large gap between my youngest who is now almost 17 and is the only one who still lives with me, and the next sibling , my middle child who is now 24 . My eldest just turned 30. Both older ones live near where we used to live, where Ex and new woman also live .

Thinking about it , his distant behaviour started as his children and my middle child left for uni. My eldest MH problems began at Uni and got worse over the years .

I’ve never expected him to act as a co parent and he and his children were always treated like guests to our home . My DC have always known that they are my priority and have seen me change and cancel plans with him , and his children , to prioritise their needs on many occasions .

Perhaps he’s been trying to change this , or running other affairs alongside me all along , but I’ve been too independent and busy to notice .

I have had very little time for him during the last few years, and this followed on from lockdown keeping us apart , and the illness and death of my mother just before lockdown.
The stuff about me being too emotional actually first came up when my mum was dying . My mum also had schizophrenia and spent long periods of my childhood in hospital. My father was a violent alcoholic and SA’d me when she was at her worst.

I’ve learnt to be strong and independant and probably also quite avoidant and afraid of attachment . My marriage was emotionally abusive but Exh and I have been and still are good co parents who communicate well re the children ,and there’s no animosity now .

ExP was / is close to his ex wife and her parents and he has a large extended family . I don’t think he’s ever had to do much for himself . He’s hardly ever on his own .

I now wonder whether I have just been a convenient person to help parent his children , but maybe in fact just one of many sexual partners and not the one most convenient for life without children as the focus.

What has been different for me this year, since he came to my new house to visit, is that the grown up, passionate and sexual side of me suddenly sort of woke up after several years of me not having really been able to take notice of it .
Since the big MH crises issues, I’ve been balancing the needs of all my DC - two adults and a teen , plus my job and a relocation and refurbishment (- two dogs and a cat !) and I’ve pushed worries about him away .
I’ve swung between assuming that there must be reasons for his behaviour , not thinking about him at all, or becoming guilty and apologetic about my attention being elsewhere .

I’ve never been comfortable with or good at asking for help, or known how to accept it, and my friends are used to this and offer anyway, turn up and get stuck in or respect my need for space when I’m overwhelmed .
I’ve done quite a lot of therapy over the years and have previously described this relationship as the healthiest and most grown up I’ve had . But I’m now looking at it from a completely different angle and think I’ve probably been naive and unrealistic .

Perhaps he’s been in contact with this woman for a far longer time than she’s admitted, and maybe she has actually taken a couple of years to decide it was worth moving so far to be with him.

I cannot work out why he decided to start love bombing me this year after so long, but perhaps what he describes as her having become over emotional was in fact her beginning to make reasonable demands on him once she’d moved to her new house. Perhaps he thought he’d have another go with me - the reliably controllable and quickly apologetic woman now conveniently in another town and therefore easy to see behind her back. Perhaps this worked in the way he’d hoped with her, and she’s now also apologising and so he’s got his convenient local woman back as he wants her and no longer needs to bother spending on petrol and driving over here .

I feel sorry for her, but I don’t want the drama of any contact with her. Or any more with him either . He is no part of my new life here, and none of my DC want any further contact with him. So there is no need for our paths to cross again.

The stuff bothering me is , as I’ve said, thoughts in my head and my emotions . And I know how to get on with life despite these .
It is a fantasy version of him in my head prompting all this, and not the cheating, lying, selfish and lazy excuse for a man that he clearly is.

It is very validating and reassuring to read the strongly worded responses on here .
I think I’ve been second guessing myself and falling into the old “it must be my fault” stuff and “I need to fix this “, when actually I just need to draw a line under it all, keep the happy memories of the days with the children, and be grateful for my independence and avoidance , because otherwise, perhaps he’d be trying to move to my new area by now .

Thank you all so much for so many very kind words and for such encouraging , validating and helpful bluntness .

He's a pig.
Now you know.
You don't need him.
Move on.