My boyfriends lust issue has made me feel s****dal

[annonymous98]

So me and my partner been together for 3 years (lived together the whole time) and up until 10 months ago he’s always blabbed on about girls it’s all he looks at it’s all he follows etc he deleted telegram a few months in to our relationship. All these girls (over 100 of them) are skinny, except 1. I’m a size 14 and 5ft 3, had a previous C-section for reference. He always uses fat as an insult towards people but never has used skinny as an insult so it clearly shows he views larger people in a negative light. He always lied and said he only likes these girls for their face only. He’s made a few comments and a month before giving birth I added things up and confronted him. He admitted that he likes skinny girls bodies. I then said it’s clear he has a type since only one in over a hundred women ( that’s only the ones I know about too) are big. He’s denied this and said “ I don’t have a type I like alsorts” “I don’t mind bigger girls” “trust me even though you’ve only seen me like skinny women I like big girls too even though you’ve not seen that” not to mention he always said he would never go for a massage but on Valentine’s Day (also pregnant) booked him one for a test. He went and came back saying how attractive and lovely she was and how she was old. Came back saying he made her feel so comfortable and she was talking about sex and him being a toy boy most of the time. Ever since I found out the truth I just can’t sleep with him and if I do it’s like once a month or so. I can’t get aroused and if I do the slightest bit I feel ashamed for it I feel like I’m not attractive enough to feel like that, unworthy of it. I hate my body so much I hate being around him I hate people seeing me I hate everything about myself he’s always like skinny women. He’s told me in the past I’m over weight and fat and have a big massive belly. I get he’s with me so he loves me but love isn’t everything, I need to feel womanly and secure and confident and he’s just destroyed that completely. I tried taking my own life near Christmas because it got so bad. I don’t take pictures I hate getting ready, I hate music I hate everything I feel like a complete dog. I’ve told him and he’s just said he wouldn’t change me for the world and bangs on about how much he loves me and thinks I look gorgeous. But I know he’s got a different type and he heavily admires women like really thinks about them in detail and looks at them in detail and he’s told me he would sleep with all these women. I love him too much to leave him but seeing him everyday is a constant reminder of how horrible I am. Do I have another word with him? What do I do? Am I in the wrong?

Please op get some sessions with a therapist. You have a lot going on including your childhood and you need emotional support.
But getting rid this man will be a good start.

Sorry I got as far as him following 100s of women on social media and stopped reading.

The rest is insignificant. No man who respects you, cares about you or loves you would be following random women on social media. And then to top it off, he actually talks to you about them and their bodies?!?! WTF?

Why are your standards so low? You deserve much better.

There will always be women more attractive than you, the same way there will be men more attractive than your partner.

However if he loves you as you claim, then he will make you feel like the perfect woman for him and you shouldn't even have to think about other women as competition.

He would not make you feel insecure let alone suicidal!

I think he is insecure and crazy, this is his way of breaking you down.

Definitely leave him, and I don't say this lightly as someone who would rather reconcile.

Take care of yourself x

You were around 23 and him 19 when you got together, and you have a baby. How long were you together before you became pregnant? Is this a situation, in that you became pregnant quickly very early on in the relationship, when you didn't really know him very well? He's 22, and extremely immature, he's not ready for a long-term committed relationship, or in all honesty to be Dad. He doesn't have any respect for you and most certainly doesn't love you. I have to ask where did you book him in for a massage?! A reputable spa etc is not going to have a massage therapist, chat about sex all the way through a client's appointment!! That's complete and utter bollocks. Unless, you booked him into a seedy place, that specialises in 'extras', but I can't imagine you did. He's made all that up, to deliberately make you feel insecure and bad about yourself. Honestly, dump his ass, he's a deeply unpleasant person, who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Your partner sounds awful and has said some really insensitive, even cruel things. You would be better off without him.

However, I don’t think he is entirely the whole problem. OP, you sound like you have very low self esteem, even without him being involved. Many of us do. It’s not a criticism, but a compassionate observation. It’s a tough place to be and I’ve been there too. But Love for yourself comes before any successful relationship, and you sound like you are currently suffering from hating yourself and are obsessively criticising yourself.

Right now, instead of working on that within yourself, you are forensically examining your man’s opinions of women to prove your own opinion of yourself. You are desperate to get reassurance from him, (while really you need it from yourself first). It feels like you are almost obsessively trying to prove that he doesn’t want you. Eg, buying him a massage as a test? You are worried about him finding other women attractive, so arrange for him to be stroked all over his naked body by another woman…. Then, I’m guessing, you quiz him relentlessly about how it felt/ what he thought of the woman until he says something that upsets you? Then it becomes a devastating injury….? And throughout, you reject his constant insistence that he finds you attractive … instead you trawl his internet usage to prove him wrong….

So let’s clarify this. You have every right to expect your partner to be respectful of you and other women, to be faithful within the boundaries you set together, to extend you love and desire, and to not actively try to undermine you or say insensitive critical, or judgemental things that damage your self esteem. Being around him should make you feel better not worse. However, you should not be putting the responsibility on him to form your self image or hounding and examining his every move to gather evidence of his desires. Right now, I do wonder how many of his cruel comments are unsolicited and how many come from you cross-examining him until he finally says the wrong thing? It is not a realistic position to expect your man to genuinely not find any other woman in the world attractive or to genuinely think that everything about your body is the best possible version of a female body that exists on the planet. Right now, it feels like unless he can genuinely convince you of this unrealistic idea, then you have found the evidence you need to feel worthless. That is creating a cycle of utter, utter despair for you.

I think it is important that you recognise your part in this desperate cycle and try to break it. Forget what he thinks of your body. What do YOU think of it? What can you love and appreciate about it? What simple ways can you be kinder or care for it? Can you book a massage for YOU, because it would give you pleasure? How can you explore or extend your self-pleasuring to know and enjoy your own body and desires more? Is there a step YOU want to take to work on an aspect of your body, or are you actually happy the way you are? Are you at peace with the fact that your priorities lie elsewhere right now (eg with a young child). This would be totally reasonable and is in your power to decide. Or would you be happier if you put some energy into changing something? Do you love and desire yourself, so ultimately, feel worthy of love and desire from others? (I hope so - because you definitely are!)

I think doing the work above will help you to deal with the man issue. If you do that work, and can look on your relationship with fresh eyes, with a sense of worth, things may become clearer. You will learn a lot from how he responds to your growing self love. Eg if you look in the mirror and say “I’m looking hot today” does he give you a hug and say “yes you are!” Or does he grunt or make a derogatory comment? You may start to hear his cruel comments in a different way… Right now his cruel comments make you think “I have proof now that he finds me unattractive”, whereas the new conclusion from these cruel comments might be “Wow- I’m currently with a cruel twat, and I deserve more- time to move on”.

Sending hugs.

I agree 100%.

Jesus christ, get rid of the loser! Move on and be happy. Single. Concentrate on your child

I think there is some confusion on this thread, because OP has discussed very abusive treatment from her family and an ex husband - both resulting in her feeling deeply damaged, with very low self esteem and body dysmorphia, coming into the relationship with her current partner. Please posters, note this background in your hopefully kind responses. OP says she has been fending off bruises from age three and was groomed as a teen, enabled by her family, and only escaped from this terrible cycle age 21.

OP, you have survived a huge amount, and deserve respect, kindness and encouragement for that.

My understanding is your current partner was a huge relief, because you felt safe for the first time and felt that you were not being controlled for the first time ever. Is this still the case? I hope so.

My understanding is also that he constantly reassures you that you are loved and desired, that you don’t doubt his love, and that he has stopped looking at or commenting on stuff on the internet, because he has learned it upsets you. However, due to the awful damage your childhood has left AND due to the insensitive, disrespectful way he expressed interest in other women earlier in your relationship, you have found yourself in a spiral of crashing self esteem. Is that right? I hope I have it right.

my previous advice still stands, but with even more emphasis on your own self love and self healing. I’ve read many people on Mumsnet recommend the Freedom programme, as a way to get over abuse and reset your inner balance, in the hope of breaking the cycle of abuse. If you can afford therapy, that might be a great way to work through all the terrible stuff you have had to experience.

You deserve to be happy and feel fully loved, and getting there will likely involve a lot of inner work, as well as changes in your relationship.

Sending hugs again.

You are too damaged at the present to be in a relationship and make the right choices for your wellbeing.

You need to get him out of your life and concentrate on your child and therapy for your MH. You need to stay away from men while you heal from the trauma you've endured - at least 2 years.

Thank you so much. You are lovely and thank you for understanding me. May god bless you

I like how you have taken what I’ve said it seems you understand me a lot. All these comments were unprovoked for the first year then I started to ask him oh do you like her and he would say “yeah I’d fuck her” which isn’t what I’ve asked then he would proceed to go on and on about different features zooming in etc. he takes it too far. I do asked unprovoked questions because he has told me his unprovoked thoughts which really did concern me. And the comments on my body have always come out of him when he’s been talking about another girl. I just feel like I started to love myself and then I just completely hated myself. I did think I was quite attractive before I met him of course I had the occasional self conscious moment but I’d always get over it. I just think he pushed it too far and I’ve gotten to the point I don’t want to be alive around people because they’re going to see me and I’m embarrassed of the way I look and can’t fix it with makeup or hair styles or baggy clothes. I’ve got to the point where I think if I just die then I won’t have to see and be around people and they won’t see how bad I look. It’s just getting too much.

got together 2022 and had baby in 2024 and yes it was a legit massage parlour registered business and said on the website they are professional and don’t do unprofessional work. Which when I called up I told her it was for my boyfriend and she still told him he’s a little toy boy that she likes. It just seems like I’m getting fucked over from every angle and I’m stuck

The over a hundred wasn’t even just the following it’s just the women he’s told me about and sat there complimenting when I’ve not even asked about them. Basically he’s sat and bigged up over a hundred women. I said to him I’m a real life realistic woman with a child though and his response was “yeah but so are they, you can’t deny they are a 10” I asked him what I was and he said maybe a “8” because no one can be a ten unless they’re perfect.

He’s a nasty man and you deserve better.

Please leave.

OP, thank you for explaining more based on my posts. It sounds very much that his own behaviour has sparked you feeling awful, even if he is dumbly trying to do better for now. I think it can be hard to tell if you are with a good partner if you are with someone less abusive than your previous experience. I am glad if you feel safe and not too controlled by him, but remember that eroding someone’s self esteem by putting them down is still a form of control- it keeps you chasing after him for approval, instead of living your life strongly and independently and maybe realising you deserve more.

it sounds to me like you have done really well to escape the more explicit, violent and oppressive abuse of your past, but you are not fully there yet. You are still very vulnerable, and the state you describe of not wanting to live and feeling ashamed is a terrible thing to feel. Anybody who plays a role in making you feel like that doesn’t deserve your love.

Your child needs you, and wants you healthy and strong and happy. Every piece of energy you have, I’d put into that journey. It is scary but it is also a journey full of self nurturing and discovery. You sound like a lovely person, and I am quite sure you are lovely to look at too. You just need to refind that self belief that you had before- care what you think, not what anybody else does. Xxx

Just gross, he sounds like a despicable partner. You deserve better.

Anyone behaving like this would have to hope the door didn’t hit them in the face as they swiftly left my house. He should be playing with his child, not scoring random women marks out of ten on his phone. In the kindest way @Starlight1984you need to get this man gone and access some crisis therapy. I put up with this kind of behaviour in my early 20s and had to wise up for the sake of my physical and mental health.

she still told him he’s a little toy boy that she likes

I struggle to believe she said that.

But if she did she's unprofessional and inappropriate enough to need reported to whichever company/organisation she's practising under.

Was it your boyfriend who told you she said that? Because I heavily suspect he’s lying, and he just told you that to make you jealous.

He does sound very immature. A relationship like this is not worth sacrificing your mental health for. You need to love and value yourself first though, then you wouldn't care as much about who he looked at, men like looking at women, it doesn't need to destroy you.

He’s being nasty and also rude, blithering on about fancying other women while he’s with you. He has to go . You’ll feel much better without this idiot.

No OP she didnt tell him that. He made that up because he knew that lie would make you insecure and needy for him. Why on earth would any woman at her job, alone with a random man start flirting with him, dont be ridiculous? I'd almost guarantee she was hating it. Imagine being stuck in a room with a cocky misogynistic prick trying to flirt with you- boke!

This man picked you a mile off because women who have come from abusive relationships and traumatic pasts often have low self esteem and are easily controlled. And you're sort of proving that. He doesnt love you at all because otherwise he would never mention fucking other women.

You need to work on your self esteem and MH, get some counselling and get rid of him. And do not date for a very long time until you are doing much better in yourself because unfortunately with your past you are much more likely to be abused again
It doesnt sound like you've ever had any healthy relationships and you dont even see how bad this man is.
You have a child and have a responsibility to that child to provide a loving, safe home but this man has made you want to kill yourself....surely you can see he doesnt love you. Focus on your child.

I’ve gotten to the point I don’t want to be alive around people because they’re going to see me and I’m embarrassed of the way I look and can’t fix it with makeup or hair styles or baggy clothes. I’ve got to the point where I think if I just die then I won’t have to see and be around people and they won’t see how bad I look

Could you be depressed?

Because this is incredibly extreme and completely disproportionate.

A. The average size in the UK now is 14- so you are like millions of other woman.

I'm an eBay seller and I sell very very little under a size 14, 12 at a push.

You're average.

You're normal.

That twat looking at and going on about skinny women, porn actresses etc. doesn't change that. I can look at six packed male fitness influencers over 6ft all day ......I don't see any of them when I walk out the door. I wouldn't even see them in local gyms. Because they represent a very small portion of the population.

You sound like you have body dysmorphia or similar .... Perhaps founded in abuse.

Could you get counselling through your GP or womens aid etc.?

B. Looks don't matter that much. What is more important is valuing your life, enjoying your life, living with integrity etc.
Looks fade, fluctuate and change. Being good looking doesn't make everything go your way ...if it did Marilyn Monroe or Halle Berry or Whitney Houston etc wouldn't have had the lives (and deaths in two cases) and relationships they've had.

I would say that this is fundamental if you weren't a mother.
But being a mother ..... There is no-one more crucial to your child's welfare, physical & mental, than you. They need you - regardless of how you look or what weight you are at any time, they need you more than anything on this planet.

Fuck thinking about looks. You're alive, you're apparently healthy, you have a healthy child. That's all that matters. No-one else matters. Not your dickhead partner, not anyone else who would judge you based on looks (and most people, decent people wouldn't do that).

He doesnt love you at all because otherwise he would never mention fucking other women

Some people think they love someone and will fight not to be dumped by them, but can't stop abusing them and acting like an absolute asshole. Because that's what they are.

Their love isn't worth having.

Honestly, wake up and smell the roses as he doesn’t love you. He treats you poorly. You need to leave him. There is literally no other course of action other than to leave him.