My boyfriends lust issue has made me feel s****dal

[annonymous98]

So me and my partner been together for 3 years (lived together the whole time) and up until 10 months ago he’s always blabbed on about girls it’s all he looks at it’s all he follows etc he deleted telegram a few months in to our relationship. All these girls (over 100 of them) are skinny, except 1. I’m a size 14 and 5ft 3, had a previous C-section for reference. He always uses fat as an insult towards people but never has used skinny as an insult so it clearly shows he views larger people in a negative light. He always lied and said he only likes these girls for their face only. He’s made a few comments and a month before giving birth I added things up and confronted him. He admitted that he likes skinny girls bodies. I then said it’s clear he has a type since only one in over a hundred women ( that’s only the ones I know about too) are big. He’s denied this and said “ I don’t have a type I like alsorts” “I don’t mind bigger girls” “trust me even though you’ve only seen me like skinny women I like big girls too even though you’ve not seen that” not to mention he always said he would never go for a massage but on Valentine’s Day (also pregnant) booked him one for a test. He went and came back saying how attractive and lovely she was and how she was old. Came back saying he made her feel so comfortable and she was talking about sex and him being a toy boy most of the time. Ever since I found out the truth I just can’t sleep with him and if I do it’s like once a month or so. I can’t get aroused and if I do the slightest bit I feel ashamed for it I feel like I’m not attractive enough to feel like that, unworthy of it. I hate my body so much I hate being around him I hate people seeing me I hate everything about myself he’s always like skinny women. He’s told me in the past I’m over weight and fat and have a big massive belly. I get he’s with me so he loves me but love isn’t everything, I need to feel womanly and secure and confident and he’s just destroyed that completely. I tried taking my own life near Christmas because it got so bad. I don’t take pictures I hate getting ready, I hate music I hate everything I feel like a complete dog. I’ve told him and he’s just said he wouldn’t change me for the world and bangs on about how much he loves me and thinks I look gorgeous. But I know he’s got a different type and he heavily admires women like really thinks about them in detail and looks at them in detail and he’s told me he would sleep with all these women. I love him too much to leave him but seeing him everyday is a constant reminder of how horrible I am. Do I have another word with him? What do I do? Am I in the wrong?

No unfortunately my child’s father had kidnapped her after the divorce. I was married when I was 16 with my mother’s influence. When then progressed into a joint effort abuse from my ex husband and mother. No friends or anyone to speak to. I couldn’t really grow up I had to do that pretty fast. It’s like I was 15 then by the click of a finger had to try and be this womanly housewife when in fact I was a child and he was a pdo file. And my whole family loved it for some reason. I’ve always been abused. That’s why when I got divorced and met this partner I felt like I could be a version of myself I missed out on due to having too many responsibilities too young. I wasn’t controlled or restricted and could eat whatever whenever, sit down whenever etc. this man was such a prick in the beginning and since he’s seen me give birth I’ve not heard with say anything about anyone else, his phones been clear and he’s not even had these celebs on tv. But I can’t get over it, it has damaged me so much. As someone who’s had to cover bruises on their body since 3 all I wanted was to not be controlled or abused. I’ve had to grow up in a very restricted toxic environment and mentality I was never taught to be independent or what I deserve. I guess I was just trying to be happy that’s all. But it has backfired. He tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me constantly every day. But like I’ve expressed love is not the issue it’s his type in women and him listing that’s the issue.

Why would your concern be feeling like he prefers your body over skinny women's bodies? How in all of what you said, is that your concern? And why would you have a child with him - feel incredibly sorry for your child. This is completely ludicrous.

@annonymous98 you are his first sexual partner?? i am not surprised! all the other girls must have seen right through him in the very beginning. he sounds horribly immature!

This.

Please get therapy, don't involved yourself with any men for a long time. You need to learn to love yourself. With your history it's easy to see why you are desperate to be loved. But the only way to break this cycle for your child(ren) is to not follow the pattern any longer.

I'm sorry your life has been so hard.

Good grief woman, you deserve so much better than this! Stop the cycle of abuse you’re inadvertently inflicting on yourself. Leave him. Give your son a chance of having a good role model.

Maybe because I want to feel attractive and confident in my relationship

You've had a really traumatic upbringing op, and that's not your fault- but it does pre-dispose you to being vulnerable to toxic relationships because you've been used to being treated badly. I was treated horribly as a child and when I had my first relationship I thought he was amazing- but he was totally abusive and I really struggled to see it because my self worth was so low my bar wasn't where it should have been.

Just because this guy is better than your family or your ex husband doesn't mean he's a good guy or that this is what you deserve. Honestly being single and doing lots of therapy was the only thing that really helped the scales fall from my eyes and when my now ex husband fucked around last year I didn't think anything of showing him the door because I knew what I wanted and deserved out of life that time around.

Trauma is generational but you have the opportunity to break the cycle for yourself and your kids.

Can you see that to those reading, that should be the least of your worries? The entire relationship is toxic and unhealthy.

He enjoys feeding your insecurities.
He is a cruel man.

So sorry you're going through this. You've endured lots of trauma. Please join love after porn on reddit you will find lots of support and women going through all the same things.
There is lots of resources too.
With support and therapy you can heal from all of this and find a partner who cherishes you, if you so wish. This partner not only damages you but your children too.

None of this is normal so you are best off seeing a good clinical psychologist to assist you. It sounds quite self-sabotaging and you seem to have an abnormal desire to please him. In a typical relationship someone would just accept that their DH did find them attractive if that’s what they were told, and if they were unhappy about women their DH viewed they would react by leaving them, not trying to commit suicide! I think a good clinical psychologist is your only way forward frankly. It may even mean separating and only having a relationship with men once you have worked through and understand your issues and can healthy relationships moving forward.

that he’s zoomed in on girls and showed me saying they’re perfect and they’ve got children and they’ve got a fantastic body and they’re the best women and partners and mothers ever when actually they’re porn stars. I’m a modest women and he likes skinny girls in boob tops with belly rings and sex workers and sexy dress sense.

This is not normal behaviour.

I would start showing him images of men and doing the same back to him. Maybe he will - in his tiny child's mind - realise how he's behaving.

Probably won't solve his overall problems though.

I cannot imagine being with a man who seems obsessed with looking at and comparing women's bodies and discussing which is best. He sounds shallow, callous and most of all BORING! You say you love him, yet he makes you feel suicidal. That is not what love is

I'm am not my husband's ideal body shape.

He's not mine either incidentally.

We both found each other attractive enough to get into a relationship (and we can get on well in most ways).

I'm aware of his ideal only from when he was very young and had lads mags with his favourite model in his bag etc. I found the mag thing uncomfortable and told him so, he stopped having them around. I also subscribed to playgirl mag and had those around. That may have clued him in a bit.

I'm also aware of it only from two way general conversations about what/who we think is good looking etc. Actors mainly.

He has never and would never point out women - unprompted, one way - and show me pics and talk about their attributes etc.

Because that would be totally inappropriate.

I like looking at some male models and male fitness influencers on YouTube shorts etc. I would never be showing him them or making it obvious I'm looking at them; that would be inappropriate.

I would tell him, if he says anything or shows you anything like that, that this is inappropriate and you are NOT INTERESTED - very firmly.

I would concentrate on enjoying your child.

Compared to children, let's face it, men are ..... Not very important.

This broke my heart to read. I'm so sorry you're in this situation 😔 please leave, for yours and your sons sake. He needs his mummy to be safe and healthy. I was in a relationship like this once, he lowered my self esteem so much that nearly a decade later I haven't fully recovered. It wasn't worth it. It never is. I was so in love and had such low self esteem that all the horrible comments just seemed normal/deserved. But they weren't and you don't deserve them either. Think how much weight would be lifted if you didn't have to think about this again? He knows what's he's doing. Leave him.

He’s told me in the past I’m over weight and fat and have a big massive belly.

No decent person would ever say this to their partner.

Op he is vile and I can assure you that any decent woman wouldn’t want him either. He is this genuinely disgusting man and a good woman with boundaries will see through him in 2 minutes so please let him go find these hordes of women who think he is so desirable.

he is wrecking your life and your child doesn’t need a mother who is being treated this way. Leave for your child

You are not fat. I'm the same height as you and I'm a size 22. That IS fat!

He must be 6ft plus of six packed, chiselled, handsome perfection ....to feel so entitled to judge women's looks so much, and talk so much - to his partner (who has grown and birthed his child!) about their bodies etc., right?

Oh and how the fuck would he have a clue who's a good mother or not?? He doesn't know them. He doesn't have a clue how they really are as a person or a parent.
How ridiculous and dumb.

If it's a porn actor; their kids will be perpetually in danger of finding (or being shown by "helpful" peers) images and videos of them naked, performing sex acts. Anyone who finds out will rib them about it their whole lives. Is that what most teenagers for example, would like to deal with?
That's not exactly A1 parenting - from day one.

Good god you are being influenced like this by someone not even born when Murder On The Dancefloor was in the charts?

its him with the problem lose some weight lose that tosser, you are better than that, god how would he cope if your were a size 20. size doesnt matter its whats inside that matters, get rid of him good luck

Sweetheart, he tolerates you because you sleep with him and probably do all the household stuff. The second a thinner girl comes along to tolerate him, he'll be off, he's 22, immature and just not nice?

I can see from your comments that you need some intense therapy. You really need to unpack why you'd rather be suicidal with a man than not suicidal alone.

Your child needs you more than anyone else on this planet.

Don't let some wanker potentially deprive them of you.

You are both far more important than him.