Husband Doesn’t Talk

[Sj26]

Does anyone else have a husband that doesn’t talk or make conversation ever? We can be sat at home he doesn’t speak, on a 3 hour drive and just stares out window. He never starts a conversation and if I do I just get very short replies. After 15 years I’m really struggling with it now.

Was he a talkative soul before you got married? If so it sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

No in fairness he has always been a bit quiet but it’s just hard I feel like I’m not myself anymore. And when we do talk it just seems to be arguing and him shouting at me. He says he doesn’t want to split but I don’t know if he just in denial

He shouldn’t be shouting at you. What leads up to the shouting? Do you shout too?

If he’s never been a chatty type then I don’t think he’ll change, and it’s not really fair to expect him to after 15 years. It’s not a LTB situation but you should think about how you want your life and your relationship to be. And if it’s with someone who’s more engaged and communicative then perhaps it’s time to separate and find what will suit you better?

What on earth was dating him like?!

Ok so bit of a drip there

He sounds very unhappy

As do you

unhappy marriage. Plain and simple

Any children?

It’s usually if we have a disagreement he always has to be right and gets himself wound up until shouting, then I get complete silent treatment. I am unhappy but don’t know what to do as have no money and kids

Yes two young children. He’s a great dad but not a great partner

I don't like people I don't talk to. I don't make conversation with people I'm angry with or resent.

The fact that his only communication is arguing shows that he's angry or resentful. If you're arguing about the same things it shows that there's no willingness to compromise or change.

Many people unhappy in their relationships don't want to split up. That doesn't mean much. You need to take note of his behaviour and how he treats you.

If you can't have a conversation with someone, you don't have a relationship.

Thank you. I don’t know why I feel like there needs to be a scandal to split up it’s like I think my happiness is not a good enough reason

So they sit at the table and in the car and on holiday with parents that talk to them but stony silence between them?

they may be too young to notice now op, but won’t be long.

To never hear your parents sharing a joke, or chatting or debating something…. They will see marriage as this op

make the change

He may have autism. If he does, he won’t change so it’s best to start getting your ducks in a row to leave.

Complete breakdown in the relationship is a good enough reason. Who wants to live with someone simmering in resentful silence?

pretty much and I think the older one is starting to notice

Well if that doesn’t galvanise you op, nothing will

I would have left by now if it wasn’t for children I just feel so bad splitting the family up. But I completely get and hate that they watch this relationship because I don’t want them to think that’s normal

I sympathise OP. I find conversation hard work with my partner sometimes, and I honestly find it a bit soul destroying. He’s not silent but often just quiet and when we do make conversation it’s often just a bit vapid and inane. Really dull, obvious observations all the time. I really value and enjoy lively, quick-witted conversation, and I sometimes feel like I’m pulling teeth trying to generate a bit of tempo and back and forth. I thought when we first met it might be a confidence thing to some extent, which I think is part of the story, but I think it’s also partly just how he is. We get on better when I’m busier (and stimulated) outside of the house, and my expectations of him are lower.

It is precisely for the children that you should do this.

They will live under a cloud of simmering tension otherwise

It is all they’ve known op if he’s been like this for 15 years.

if he is a good dad then he will continue to be so

How do you feel when you go out for food just the 2 of you or when you go on holidays? There are other things that have gone on in the past but the sitting in each others company and barely ever talking is really draining me.

Yeah. Don't imagine that staying is better for your DC. Having an unhappy mother and watching a miserable relationship as their only model of partnership is honestly not better for them.
They need you, first and foremost.
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
Being from a happy home is not being from a "broken home".

How miserable an existence you must have and that isn't a good role model for your kids whether they are sons or daughters. I wouldn't live with that. I would rather be driving on my own singing along to tunes than putting up with ole misery guts.

My DH (married 20+ years) is due home from work any minute now and he'll be bursting in shouting hi honey I'm home and launching all the How's your day been questions at me....

That’s made me giggle 🤭. Mine gets in and sometimes says ‘alright’ sometimes nothing at all.

I mean we do talk but I suppose I fairly often – although not always – find his conversation a bit slow and boring 🙈 Yeah I hear you about restaurants and holidays. Holidays can be flash points for me – the contrast between the fun and freedom they should represent (and holidays of the past that have been fun and freewheeling!) and the mundanity of bland tame chit chat gets to me. We get on better when I sort of meet him where he is and try not to get frustrated. And take the piss (affectionately) if he says something particularly daft or inane. (‘Cool story bro’ 😆)

I fully totally sympathise though, you need and are entitled to expect conversation from your partner! For him to make some effort at the very least. Have you ever mentioned it to him? Does he know it’s an issue? How are things between you generally?

Yes it’s been a re accruing argument we have had for probably 10 years now, I’ve said I need more but I don’t think he has it in him. I get he’s a quiet person but I’m just really struggling now with how much longer I can deal with it