My partner lets his 18 year old control his life

[ThisGreyLurker]

I am at my wits end, I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and am in a three-way relationship where I am the third wheel. I have my own house and my partner has his. Due to a change in my circumstances, I am struggling to maintain living in my house (which he says is nothing to do with him) and thought that after 3 years together we should be thinking about moving in together. However, I am not the "partner" in our relationship (or at least that is how it feels) and my needs and wants are not important. His now 18 year old daughter currently lives with her mum but spends most of her time at weekends at his. He has recently come into money and is looking to buy a big house. He is doing this mainly because his daughter wants to move in with him and her room in his current house she feels is not big enough for her (it is a double room). She gets a say in what house they buy and is finding properties she likes and going on viewings with him and if he likes somewhere and she doesn't then that is it! She has just said that she thinks he should up his budget by about £50k so that she gets what she wants in the house. She has a say on everything in his life - what car he has, what clothes he buys / wears, where they go on holiday, where and what they eat, what he spends his money on and what they do at weekends. He pays for everything for her (even though she has a part time job) including her hair, her clothes, her make up, her toiletries, her tattoos, the fuel for her car, her car itself, the car insurance, the modifications that she wanted for her car, the new ipad that she had to have, expensive weekends away, expensive holidays, festival tickets - the list goes on. I don't think she likes me much, sometimes she barely acknowledges me and if me and my partner go out without her, she asks him how much he spent - and he tells her! It is like she feels that he should spend all his money on her and nothing on me (I do always pay my way but my financial circumstances are not great and nowhere near as good at his). When there is the 3 of us, they walk together sometimes arm in arm and I tag behind. On holiday, he will sit with her and I sit on my own and we have to do and go where she wants. I just think that she has too much control over his life - it is everything (he will go and change if she tells him to and will buy clothes because she tells him too) and he asks her opinion about everything and takes it fully into account. When they get "their" house, she will be choosing all the decoration and they will live together in harmony, cooking together, doing everything together. My question is, where does that leave me?? I feel like the third wheel and not a part of it and I want a proper relationship, one where I am the "partner" and treated as such - is this wrong?? I am not getting any younger and don't what to waste anymore time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. He can't see it and says that she will get whatever she wants and that is the way it is and she will come first (which I understand but not to this extent) and he will get the house she wants, will always buy her want she wants, do what she wants and spend all the time with her that she wants (which is a lot as she does not have a lot of friends at all).
I would welcome thoughts as it is affecting my mental health terribly and I am on a downward spiral as I am so confused. I thank you all in advance x

“he just says he has his own problems and doesn’t care about mine”

Awful. Couldn’t remain with someone who cared so little for my wellbeing.

Google ‘mini wife syndrome’. This is a really bad case of it. Where there father basically turns his daughter into a substitute wife (minus the sex) which is the only part you’ve been brought in for. Given she’s 18, this dynamic will have been going on for a long time so this won’t change no matter what boundaries your partner puts in place. If he tried it would likely end up with his daughter hating you and trying to push you out. You feel like you’re a third wheel because you are. You’re not being prioritised or treated like a partner in the slightest while his daughter is. Run for the hills! This man will never be able to have a proper relationship while he treats his daughter like his wife. It’s laughable he expects you to put up with it tbh!

Completely agree.
He's telling you your problems are not his. You are getting nothing from this relationship.
You deserve better.

Having a boyfriend is for fun and life enhancing. If dating this man fails to do either just dump him. Don't get involved with anyone's parenting drudgery, or sacrifice your financial independence to live with a man.

OP, how can you hear this and not just immediately walk away? He doesn’t care.

You deserve better. Work on your self esteem and find someone who will care for you, not just shag you a couple of times a week.

Op I suggest you read Other People’s children by Joanna Trollope it’s a real examination of relationships between parents children and new partners and I think you might find it illuminating. Good luck.

I mean when parents stay together they're far less likely to end up in an emotionally incestuous relationship with their children because their long established relationship with each other means there isn't opportunity for it. Far more likely between single parents and their children. Are you being deliberately obtuse - you can't tell the difference between a healthy, close parent-child relationship and emotional incest? 🙄

I thought the same.

OP, this is not going to last forever, your boyfriend's daughter will eventually move away from home but nobody can tell when that will be, could easily be five years at least.

I don't think what she wants is unreasonable, or for him to facilitate it. He probably likes his daughter organising him, if he didn't he wouldn't go along with it and she is still young enough to appreciate living 'at home'.

Why not just leave things as they are for now, you and he living independently but spending some good times together, no demands.

Living together is not the be all and end all, many successful relationships are better for living apart.

If your home is too expensive for you to maintain and you don't want to move somewhere cheaper, there may be ways of making it affordable, eg having a lodger or letting a room through air b'n'b at times.

Think about it. It's good to be independent.

There's nothing sexier than a really good father. This man is not a really good father.

Gather up what's left of your self-respect and leave as quickly as possible. Don't be talked into going back.

Run for the hills. You are the third wheel and he doesn’t give you the respect you would need as an adult partner.

If you stay , you are only for dates- forget the word partner .
At the very least he should be more present when he is spending time with you and should not be messaging his daughter more than when necessary .

Agreed! I’m close to my 18 year old daughter but she sure as hell doesn’t quiz me on how much I’ve spent on a date evening with my partner or tell me what to wear ffs! So odd.

What are you doing OP hanging around waiting for something that’s never going to happen. He’s shown you repeatedly how he likes things, shown you how things are going to continue….. believe him!

Do you need this angst? The continual argy bargy with his daughter? She’s not going anywhere, it’s her Dad. You however have a choice!

He’s not doing his DD any favours giving her so much control. I think when his DD finds a partner, the dynamic will change considerably. Is there any sign of that? Daddy may get dropped quickly, unless she needs funds

you need a very honest, open chat with him about what you’re looking for in a relationship- moving in together, choosing somewhere to live as a partnership

His DD is currently pulling all his strings. she probably knows this and is taking advantage of the amount of control she has over her Dad, to minimise your influence, as she sees you as a threat

Not great… and a potential deal breaker unless you can shift the balance more towards your own needs, which are very much suppressed at the moment

My DD will always come before any man.

If I was to buy a home then I’d absolutely want her opinion because it’s her home too, I wouldn’t want need the opinion of my partner because it’s but his home.

I would say that most good parents act like this man.

His DD will always come before you.
If you don’t like that, then it’s time to find someone who has no kids or is a crap parent.

I assume you don’t have kids and I think it’s incredibly difficult for someone without kids to be in a relationship with someone who has them because you will never fully understand how they feel.

Even parents who are completely in love and share kids with their partners would choose their kids over their partners if they had to choose.

You want different things and he cannot give you want you want.
I would end things and find someone who does not have any kids so you can both be the centre of each others worlds.

@Cucy I don't think 'most good parents' would act like this man. Giving children the impression that they are always in charge is silly. Showing that other people's opinions matter and that everyone has to compromise is an important lesson.

I do have a child (some people have said I don’t) who is in his mid 20s and very independent - I adore my son and even though he has his own life now, I see him every week without fail and we have a very good relationship and I am proud of the man that he has become (he has a lovely partner, lots of friends and is a hard worker etc) - and I don’t want anything from my partner financially, I am very independent and am taking steps to improve my situation, I just want respect and to feel like I am in a “normal” relationship (I don’t even necessarily want to live with him) between 2 people - I know some people on here think I am jealous and bitter but that really isn’t the case - I just wanted to find out if people thought the situation was “normal” and I have to say, most people have been very informative and it has given me food for thought so thank u so much to those people

It’s not a situation that you can control, all you can control is how you respond to it. It’s not personal. The daughter will never like anyone who doesn’t conform to the set up. I don’t think many girlfriends would be willing to accept the dynamic. There is a major power balance going on and the father is being manipulated and pulled by the daughter. It’s an enmeshed relationship, she is his and the boundaries have become blurred. It’s not normal for children and parents to have boundaries so blurred in healthy relationships. She has never learned for whatever reason, whether guilt from the dad where she stops and he starts. He is either oblivious or he likes it. I would end this, it’s a waste of your time. He likely wouldn’t be affected if you left because he gets all his needs met emotionally via his daughter. Other needs he can get met via someone who is willing to just shut up and put up. This is going to be a life long issue as she has terrible boundaries and terrible models of relationships.

Agree.
Back away.
This isn’t for you and the only way you can make it so is to disrupt the father/ daughter dynamic,

What are you doing in this 'relationship' now? He lives his life entirely for the benefit of his spoiled brat of a daughter. I'll bet you a million quid that if you and she were tight and you mentioned your living situation to her, he'd be offering to live with you with bells on. Walk away, and eventually, you'll meet someone who loves and appreciates you.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what the problem is.

Either they're in a codependent relationship that you're not a part of, or he's a devoted father and you're jealous that he puts her first instead of you (I don't know is side so I don't know if your version is tainted or not).

Either way, he has made that very clear to you that this is not something that is going to change so I'm confused as to why you're trying to force him to prioritize you over his child when he's already told you that's not going to happen.

He's not going to dump his daughter if you keep pushing the issue, he's going to dump you. You can either except things the way they are or move on, no big deal.

Sounds very much like my situation- my partners daughter in now 21 - shehas very few friends- no work outlet she can be bothered obtaining and relies totally on her mum and dad for her social life. On returning from college she insists on spending three days of the week with him (two over the weekend) . They shop, exercise, cook together and watch tv - im alienated. They do not ask me if i want to eat with them. Three years ago we moved in together (my daughter 22 lives alone in her own flat and is no bother) they continue in the same vain . I wish id kept my own place or even ended the relationship (which is still an option ) - is being alone better than taking what time you can get? Honestly i think if you asked him how he would feel if it were you acting that way with your daughter how would he feel - on reflection anyone would say its bonkers! Such enmeshed and guilt driven parenting with no boundaries is setting the young person up for failure - but the father cannot go there because of his separated state and anxiety over a failed marriage. The child will continue in that vain like in my situation- they are ‘mini wifes’ read up on that syndrome - unable to move forward with their lives without controlling their parents acting like they are 6 not adults. Its an awful situation to be in - not normal at all. Its an awful wont change thats all i can say .

Have you had conversations about the future, moving in, babies etc?

OP isn't wanting to be a partner, she's wanting to be looked after and funded. So this isnt the relationship for her

I don’t think he is willing or able to give you the adult relationship you are (reasonably) looking for OP. It sounds like he is using his daughter to keep you at arms length to me. I would evaluate carefully if he can meet your needs and if not let him go.