My partner lets his 18 year old control his life

[ThisGreyLurker]

I am at my wits end, I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and am in a three-way relationship where I am the third wheel. I have my own house and my partner has his. Due to a change in my circumstances, I am struggling to maintain living in my house (which he says is nothing to do with him) and thought that after 3 years together we should be thinking about moving in together. However, I am not the "partner" in our relationship (or at least that is how it feels) and my needs and wants are not important. His now 18 year old daughter currently lives with her mum but spends most of her time at weekends at his. He has recently come into money and is looking to buy a big house. He is doing this mainly because his daughter wants to move in with him and her room in his current house she feels is not big enough for her (it is a double room). She gets a say in what house they buy and is finding properties she likes and going on viewings with him and if he likes somewhere and she doesn't then that is it! She has just said that she thinks he should up his budget by about £50k so that she gets what she wants in the house. She has a say on everything in his life - what car he has, what clothes he buys / wears, where they go on holiday, where and what they eat, what he spends his money on and what they do at weekends. He pays for everything for her (even though she has a part time job) including her hair, her clothes, her make up, her toiletries, her tattoos, the fuel for her car, her car itself, the car insurance, the modifications that she wanted for her car, the new ipad that she had to have, expensive weekends away, expensive holidays, festival tickets - the list goes on. I don't think she likes me much, sometimes she barely acknowledges me and if me and my partner go out without her, she asks him how much he spent - and he tells her! It is like she feels that he should spend all his money on her and nothing on me (I do always pay my way but my financial circumstances are not great and nowhere near as good at his). When there is the 3 of us, they walk together sometimes arm in arm and I tag behind. On holiday, he will sit with her and I sit on my own and we have to do and go where she wants. I just think that she has too much control over his life - it is everything (he will go and change if she tells him to and will buy clothes because she tells him too) and he asks her opinion about everything and takes it fully into account. When they get "their" house, she will be choosing all the decoration and they will live together in harmony, cooking together, doing everything together. My question is, where does that leave me?? I feel like the third wheel and not a part of it and I want a proper relationship, one where I am the "partner" and treated as such - is this wrong?? I am not getting any younger and don't what to waste anymore time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. He can't see it and says that she will get whatever she wants and that is the way it is and she will come first (which I understand but not to this extent) and he will get the house she wants, will always buy her want she wants, do what she wants and spend all the time with her that she wants (which is a lot as she does not have a lot of friends at all).
I would welcome thoughts as it is affecting my mental health terribly and I am on a downward spiral as I am so confused. I thank you all in advance x

I think he’s already given you his answer, he doesn’t think your living situation is anything to do with him and he’s always going to put his daughter first. Time to move on.

I'm not sure why you're confused. He's told you exactly how things are and how they'll continue to be. Believe him and move on. He won't pick you over his daughter.
In 10 years time when she's got a partner and can't be bothered with him he might realise what he missed.
Could you rent out a room in your house or try air bnb hosting to ease the financial pressure?

Sad, but shift your focus to improving your own financial circumstances. Retrain, take a lodger, another part hind job whatever. This relationship isn’t right for you. Or many other people by the sounds of things.

I agree. Best to move on and focus on yourself

Why have you put up with this for 3 years. End it an move on.

You were always going to be on a hiding to nothing with some posters. Children are the be all and end all no matter what they do nor what age they are.
It is an enmeshed situation and not one I would stand for. You traipse behind them on outings and are always last in the pecking order. The only reason you seem to have a place in his life is in the bedroom by the sounds of it.

Give up on this relationship and find someone more worthwhile who will actually value you.
He'll end up a lonely old man when she decides to fly the nest. Don't be a doormat he's not for you.

I had a very close relationship with my dad, I guess if my parents had divorced it would have been the same. There's nothing wrong with that, they are just close.

Obviously, she doesn't want him to marry.

My already died unfortunately, otherwise we would still be close.

You shouldn't try to get him to support you. You could lean on each other for a loan or something like that, but I would never ask a boyfriend to just support me without a recovery plan.

I do appreciate all of your comments, however, I feel I have to make it clear that I do not want him to support me financially, I am financially independent and am doing everything in my power to resolve this myself, I take nothing from him financially and have no intention of doing so (but a bit of concern and moral support and advice would be nice), this is not the main issue and I am sorry if it came across like that, and he has not been with the mum for about 16 years so it is not a new thing - and I do like the fact that he is a good dad and has a good relationship with his daughter, I just feel it is too much and to exclusive and that it prevents him from having a proper relationship with any woman

He has told you that you are not his priority and never will be. He doesn’t see your problems as his problems. This is not a partnership.
And would you really want to live with the two of them anyway? Especially when you have been explicitly that you are at the bottom of the pecking order. It’s time to cut your losses.

...I just feel it is too much and to exclusive and that it prevents him from having a proper relationship with any woman.

You are right @ThisGreyLurker. You now have a choice: Accept their status quo or end it.

Just pack your bags.

This won't change. Posting on here won't help. It sounds like this is deeply rooted behaviour. Don't waste your time

Your wasting your time on him

It sounds like they have a close relationship, perhaps unusually so for a dad.

But my guess is that he enjoys the reaction this gets from you and that he gets a bit of a kick out of flaunting his financial situation. Why is he telling his dd how much money he is spending when the two of you are together? Why is he telling you about all these money he spends on her, how much this house might cost, how much the kitchen she wants to put in costs? He sounds very materialistic and probably gets a big ego boost from the women in his life running around talking about and fighting over his money.

While I think it’s a good thing that they are close and he is so involved in her life, he sounds very overshare-y about their relationship. And I would think it has something to do with how it gets you running after him. He sounds like he enjoys being the big man, which is quite unattractive really.

Ultimately though, this is who he is. It’s who he was when you met him. You either are fine with it or you cut him loose because you aren’t compatible.

It's very odd how many people think at 18 you should not longer be close to your parents. Very sad .
As someone who comes from a very close family this seems normal to me.
It's fair that you would like to live together but as it's not his wishes currently then you have to accept that or move on .
You can't force the momentum of a relationship. Especially not when it's partly being driven by financial problems. Problems that are not his . No matter how long you have been together.
He is quite rightly so thinking of his and his child's living situation. Even if she is 18. And maybe looking forward to living with her full time if he has not for a number of years .
Maybe he recognises that at somepoint she will have her own family . So this is a precious time he gets to live with her.
And longterm he probably plans to leave this new big house to her.

His priority is his child, not his girlfriend. Nothing you wrote about really stands out as abnormal, mainly because it’s clearly written from a particular bias. It is abundantly clear that it bothers you that he treats his child well and wants a close relationship with her.

I would have zero respect for a man that would consider giving money to a girlfriend or moving her into his home when he has an 18yo in his life. Even with a girlfriend of 3 years, his personal life just can’t take priority over those transition years. His daughter will be moved out of the home and fully independent soon enough.

You don’t need to wait around for that to happen. I don’t think you should. You clearly resent her and it is likely to get worse. Even if you are ready to progress, he isn’t going to be ready to catch up with you until she is launched.

You could go back to the dating pool. If you don’t find someone, check back in with this man in a few years.

OP from your posts I think you know the answer. Find someone who puts you first. You will be forever miserable with this man. I understand fathers and daughters being close, but it seems their relationship is to the exclusion of all else.

I agree that you need to move on from this relationship. You want more than he is prepared to give. He does need to put his child first, but also, if he wants a long term relationship, he does also need to treat his partner properly and walking with DD and you trailing behind etc, is not healthy. It is up to him thought how he spends his money, as this is his child and you don't live together or have joint finances.

It sounds harsh, but if he wanted to move in with you he would. If he wanted your input on décor in his new house, he would ask. It was one very valid comment that I took from counselling years ago when I was talking about XH not seeing DD on a regular basis. "If he wanted to, he would".

I think sadly for you, that the relationship doesn't suit what you want from a Partner and YANBU for that.

Run for the hills and don’t look back.

ThisGreyLurker it seems weird etc to me, too. No argument there. But that's how he wants things to be so best move on.

I think pp have hit the nail on the head that this relationship isn't working for you.

If his DD was also your DD, you probably wouldn't mind them being so close. My DH dotes on my DD, she has the exact same personality as me (bossy) and they get on very well and I love it.

However, if it was my SD, and she was older teen, I'd probably also be uncomfortable with it. He's not doing anything wrong - but he's also not going to change and it doesn't sound like there's room for you. You and SD don't have the close mother-daughter bond, so you're not a three, it's him and DD as a two and then you.

I think, sadly, you probably need to split with him or keep the relationship at arms length and not move in with him.

There's close and there's close - this relationship sounds as though it goes a little bit beyond a normal father and daughter closeness; why should she have one single moment of input into how much money he spends? Why should she dictate which house he buys? He will never see a problem, so the only thing you can do, OP, is show how much the problem affects you by walking away.

I had a long relationship with a man who put his DOG first, to the extent that we couldn't go to places that 'the dog might not like' or go to the cinema because he couldn't leave the dog in the evening. So I know how tiresome it can be to have a third-party in your relationship!

You're flogging a dead horse OP. She will always be the boss!

I agree with this. I would have left after a few weeks. I don't understand why you have let your "relationship" last for 3 years.

There are fathers who put their new partners first before their kids (my husband is one) so you just need to find one. My husband always says that I am the person who will look after him, not his kids so he will always put me first.

He doesn’t have space for you. This is why I would never date someone with kids. If you are their number 1 priority then they are a shit parent, if you aren’t their priority then what are you doing together.

it actually doesn't matter if its right or wrong or weird. It doesn't suit you and you don't have to put up with it. Just walk away.