My partner lets his 18 year old control his life

[ThisGreyLurker]

I am at my wits end, I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and am in a three-way relationship where I am the third wheel. I have my own house and my partner has his. Due to a change in my circumstances, I am struggling to maintain living in my house (which he says is nothing to do with him) and thought that after 3 years together we should be thinking about moving in together. However, I am not the "partner" in our relationship (or at least that is how it feels) and my needs and wants are not important. His now 18 year old daughter currently lives with her mum but spends most of her time at weekends at his. He has recently come into money and is looking to buy a big house. He is doing this mainly because his daughter wants to move in with him and her room in his current house she feels is not big enough for her (it is a double room). She gets a say in what house they buy and is finding properties she likes and going on viewings with him and if he likes somewhere and she doesn't then that is it! She has just said that she thinks he should up his budget by about £50k so that she gets what she wants in the house. She has a say on everything in his life - what car he has, what clothes he buys / wears, where they go on holiday, where and what they eat, what he spends his money on and what they do at weekends. He pays for everything for her (even though she has a part time job) including her hair, her clothes, her make up, her toiletries, her tattoos, the fuel for her car, her car itself, the car insurance, the modifications that she wanted for her car, the new ipad that she had to have, expensive weekends away, expensive holidays, festival tickets - the list goes on. I don't think she likes me much, sometimes she barely acknowledges me and if me and my partner go out without her, she asks him how much he spent - and he tells her! It is like she feels that he should spend all his money on her and nothing on me (I do always pay my way but my financial circumstances are not great and nowhere near as good at his). When there is the 3 of us, they walk together sometimes arm in arm and I tag behind. On holiday, he will sit with her and I sit on my own and we have to do and go where she wants. I just think that she has too much control over his life - it is everything (he will go and change if she tells him to and will buy clothes because she tells him too) and he asks her opinion about everything and takes it fully into account. When they get "their" house, she will be choosing all the decoration and they will live together in harmony, cooking together, doing everything together. My question is, where does that leave me?? I feel like the third wheel and not a part of it and I want a proper relationship, one where I am the "partner" and treated as such - is this wrong?? I am not getting any younger and don't what to waste anymore time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. He can't see it and says that she will get whatever she wants and that is the way it is and she will come first (which I understand but not to this extent) and he will get the house she wants, will always buy her want she wants, do what she wants and spend all the time with her that she wants (which is a lot as she does not have a lot of friends at all).
I would welcome thoughts as it is affecting my mental health terribly and I am on a downward spiral as I am so confused. I thank you all in advance x

Not really!

OP I think it’s an odd dynamic. His daughter is an adult, not a child. He’s entitled to a relationship and I suspect he is enabling his daughter to “call the shots” here to avoid commitment with you without having to have the tricky conversation.
He doesn’t seem invested in the relationship and I think that’s the thing to focus on. I would move on from him.

@ThisGreyLurker the older we get, the shorter our life.

How would you really like to spend the rest of your days?

He is not going to change

The two of them are treating you like sh*t, to put it bluntly. I personally wouldn't waste any more time on this relationship. You deserve a lot better.

Dump him.

He pays for her tattoos?
Why would he do that?
How does DD pitch it to him to get DDad to pay?

He sounds like a great father and you sound like you’re struggling being second best in his life

There's quite a big difference between your situation and the OP's. Your parents are still in the same relationship with each other from before you were around. They live together. You don't live with them

What do you mean? Teenagers are allowed to be close to their parents if their parents are still living together but if they’re separated and opposite sex parents and children stay close it’s emotional incest? 🙄

I’m literally astonished, to say the least at the majority of posts here ! ! !
How TAF can so many women be in agreement , that OPS bfs relationship with his daughter isn’t bizarre ! !
Of course it’s brilliant to have a good relationship with your daughter, but this is different level , it’s weird !!!
His daughter is more like a controlling wife ..
What he wears, what he eats , how much he spends , where he goes, like ffs , come on people, get a grip !!!!
Yeah , choosing decor & picking a house together is normal , but her say being what goes , end of , close of discussion..
That’s controlling ..
Doesn’t want OP in his life , that there is jealousy..
A controlling, jealous person is NEVER good !!!
OP my friend , like “ Yankeescot “ has said
RUN !!!!!

It was so very odd. Fortunately I only dated him, well kind of dated, for a few weeks. In my ge group, we all have kids and mostly adult kids.
I'm super incredibly close to my Daughter, as are a few men I've been in long term relationships with. We adore our children, but the creepy ass vibes from that experience I had, as well as OP is experiencing, is truly next level weird.
I never thought I'd experience something like that. Until I did. Creepy AG, incestuous feeling and I wanted no part of it.
I hope the OP runs away. She deserves more

Are you the daughter?

Is she his defacto partner? That's what's being described here. It's not healthy at ALL for daughters to take a wife's role, they need to become independent.

I'd rather be single than put up with this shit non-relationship. What is stopping you from walking away?

He’s being very dismissive of your needs. But if you feel it’s all down to his daughter, things are likely to change over the next few years so it’s worth hanging on. If you just don’t like the way he goes about things, time to say goodbye.

I don’t think this is a good relationship for you. He wants to prioritise his daughter which is his choice, but I think you should move on.

sod that! Find someone who puts you first

I wonder whether he’s making up for what perhaps he sees as lost time, now that his daughter has chosen to live with him full time.

I suppose it depends what you want from your relationship with him going forward. She’s still quite young, don’t suppose it will be the same in 4 or 5 years.

Why did you still maintain separate homes when his daughter lived with her mum?

leave don’t move In as once you do daughter will become 100000 times more of a daddy’s girl as she will be asserting dominance and control over her dad.

i have been in a relationship for 10 years married, 2 children of our own and stepson aged 15.

My hubby literally runs his life past his 15 year old where to go, what to do, what to buy if he turns up and we have got something in the house he will kick Off!

recently I bought a sofa had it delivered he came and hit the roof he wasn’t consulted on what sofa we got how he would never have picked it etc like the house is mine and my partners joint mortgage he lives with his mom and only picks and chooses when he comes now based on when he wants something or wants his dad to take him somewhere “expensive” and it only gets worse the older he gets.

Stepson is currently trying to arrange a summer holiday in the 6 weeks just him and his dad to Dubai as that’s the only place good enough for him! In the region of 5k for his 16th when I have said well that’s when we have our annual family summer holiday and 5 grand is ridiculous for A 2 person trip and that would pay for all 5 of us to go abroad stepson kicks off and Hubby doesn’t say no to him so can see that happening and then no funds left for a “family holiday” baring in mind hubby has just taken him alone on a European break without my children) so if you are thinking of having children it will probably get a lot worse!

I don’t think you come across as bitter and jealous. It’s just that you and this guy both want different things.

I wonder why you haven’t left already as he seems to be telling you by his actions that he isn’t interested at this point in progressing your relationship further. You either need to accept the status quo or end things which would be better for your mental health. Try to find your own solution to your financial problems as he is not going to be able to contribute.

I can’t thank everyone enough for their comments, it has really helped me and given me food for thought - I do love him and when it is just the 2 of us it is lovely (although he does spend a lot of that time messaging her - they message constantly) which is why I have stayed - I don’t want anything from him financially (which some people seem to think I do) but a bit of support would be nice (he just says he has his own problems and doesn’t care about mine) - there r other things that I haven’t put on here which are also a bit odd - it is an all-encompassing relationship with no room for others and I think I have to accept that or move on, it really is a shame tho and sometimes I think I am going mad as he tells me it’s all in my head (it isn’t) and denies things I know he has said or done (he definitely has said / done them) and u start to question yourself - but thank u all again x

This all sounds exhausting - so not only are you third wheel, he gaslights you and tells you he doesn't care about your problems? You know there are better men than this right? I never ask for advice on Mumsnet about my husband because he treats me right. If you find yourself posting and asking whether you're expecting too much from a man on an Internet forum it's probably a sign that he is just not good enough for you - and has never been good enough for any previous woman from what you've said in previous posts. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

Just imagine how it might feel to be free of all this shit...

It sounds even worse than you've previously posted OP. Good luck. x

the more you post, the worse this man sounds.

please get out and enjoy life. you deserve better than someone who doesn't respect you or have time for you (probably doesn't like you much either). gaslighting is the worst - you have to live in a constant state of frustration. it's really, really not worth it.