My partner lets his 18 year old control his life

[ThisGreyLurker]

I am at my wits end, I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and am in a three-way relationship where I am the third wheel. I have my own house and my partner has his. Due to a change in my circumstances, I am struggling to maintain living in my house (which he says is nothing to do with him) and thought that after 3 years together we should be thinking about moving in together. However, I am not the "partner" in our relationship (or at least that is how it feels) and my needs and wants are not important. His now 18 year old daughter currently lives with her mum but spends most of her time at weekends at his. He has recently come into money and is looking to buy a big house. He is doing this mainly because his daughter wants to move in with him and her room in his current house she feels is not big enough for her (it is a double room). She gets a say in what house they buy and is finding properties she likes and going on viewings with him and if he likes somewhere and she doesn't then that is it! She has just said that she thinks he should up his budget by about £50k so that she gets what she wants in the house. She has a say on everything in his life - what car he has, what clothes he buys / wears, where they go on holiday, where and what they eat, what he spends his money on and what they do at weekends. He pays for everything for her (even though she has a part time job) including her hair, her clothes, her make up, her toiletries, her tattoos, the fuel for her car, her car itself, the car insurance, the modifications that she wanted for her car, the new ipad that she had to have, expensive weekends away, expensive holidays, festival tickets - the list goes on. I don't think she likes me much, sometimes she barely acknowledges me and if me and my partner go out without her, she asks him how much he spent - and he tells her! It is like she feels that he should spend all his money on her and nothing on me (I do always pay my way but my financial circumstances are not great and nowhere near as good at his). When there is the 3 of us, they walk together sometimes arm in arm and I tag behind. On holiday, he will sit with her and I sit on my own and we have to do and go where she wants. I just think that she has too much control over his life - it is everything (he will go and change if she tells him to and will buy clothes because she tells him too) and he asks her opinion about everything and takes it fully into account. When they get "their" house, she will be choosing all the decoration and they will live together in harmony, cooking together, doing everything together. My question is, where does that leave me?? I feel like the third wheel and not a part of it and I want a proper relationship, one where I am the "partner" and treated as such - is this wrong?? I am not getting any younger and don't what to waste anymore time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. He can't see it and says that she will get whatever she wants and that is the way it is and she will come first (which I understand but not to this extent) and he will get the house she wants, will always buy her want she wants, do what she wants and spend all the time with her that she wants (which is a lot as she does not have a lot of friends at all).
I would welcome thoughts as it is affecting my mental health terribly and I am on a downward spiral as I am so confused. I thank you all in advance x

I just feel it is too much and to exclusive and that it prevents him from having a proper relationship with any woman

Maybe it will prevent him having a relationship with any woman, but if it does that’s only a problem if he wants more from a relationship. Maybe he’s happy with a relationship that doesn’t involve living together.

If you don’t like what you get out of the deal and he doesn’t even provide moral support then leave him.

He sounds like he is happy just to date and has no interest in taking things to the next level of moving in together etc .
You clearly want different things and are right when you say it isn't going anywhere. Find someone who wants what you want.

It's called emotional incest.

I can't believe how many people are saying this is normal. It's creepy as fuck!

Do yourself the biggest favour and say goodbye to him.

He doesn’t want to live with you, the stuff about his daughter is irrelevant.

Did you ever speak about living together? If not, I’m not sure what you based your assumptions on.

Don't be ridiculous.

My dad's in his late 6os still married to my mum and me and my sisters all help him at different times with advice on what to buy or decorate or cars and so on. It's called being a close family.

Some are happy to reach 18 and hardly have any conversations at all with parents . Others enjoy staying involved in each other's lives.
Both are fine .
Also this is one side of the situation. Told by someone who is obviously somewhat jealous and bitter.

I’m all for people prioritising their children but this does sound a bit OTT. Either way, it doesn’t really matter; either you accept what is on offer or move on. I’d move on if I was you.

That’s all fine but these are all the choices he’s made, they don’t suit you (understandably), so you need to take control and find someone who does suit you and gives you what you need in a relationship.

There's quite a big difference between your situation and the OP's. Your parents are still in the same relationship with each other from before you were around. They live together. You don't live with them (presumably?).

There's a big difference between advice and telling/controlling someone. When was the last time you asked your dad how much he spent when he took your mum out to lunch?

I agree we're only hearing one side here (as ever), but as the OP tells it, it sounds like emotional incest.

Your BF prioritizes his daughter over you. If this was such a problem for you, why have you stayed for nearly 3 years?

He's not willing to move your relationship any further than what it is now, living separately. He's told you your housing is not his problem. It sounds like you're just a convenient sex outlet for him.

You're incompatible. You want a partner who will prioritize you and eventually move in together. This guy is not that.

He is setting up his daughter very badly in terms of her future relationships.
She is going to struggle to meet someone’s they don’t provide what Daddy does. So indulging her to this extent is stopping her from becoming an independent young woman.
He can still love her, put her first and help provide for her, but this is unhealthy.
He doesn’t want to move in with you because, why would he? He is getting what he wants and needs.
After three years, if he doesn’t want to make a permanent commitment it’s time to move on.

He wants to date but not progress the relationship further. He is clearly happy to finance and be controlled by his daughter. His reasons for this are probably complex but ultimately it’s his business.
You quite understandably want more from a relationship after 3 years. But he doesn’t. It boils down to incompatibility.
I do wonder how he will cope when his daughter grows up a bit more and has a family of her own. I’m sure her husband will take the role of her bestie and bankroller then and your dp will be on his own.
But that’s not your problem. Have the chat, tell him how you feel and if compromises can’t be made then I think the only sensible answer is to end things.

Correct.

Get a lodger (assuming your issue is financial not physical)
And have a think about what you are prepared to accept.

My ex was like this. He’d always say to me “you need to make space for yourself, push yourself in and take your place”. In the end I realised he was clearly happy having his DDs and me vying for his attention, so I walked away. I don’t need to be the OW in my relationship!

I think it’s great for them that they have such a good relationship and if you were her mum you’d think so too. Unfortunately you’re not and if you can’t accept it then you need to end this relationship. My dc are much older but they still have an input into these sorts of things e.g. one of them recently came with us to buy a new sofa and if she hadn’t liked it we wouldn’t have bought it. They often come clothes or household shopping and similarly we trust their judgement and listen to their advice. If they see things they think we need or would like they send pictures/links. This won’t change for your partner and his daughter so you need to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker for you.

"He can't see it and says that she will get whatever she wants and that is the way it is and she will come first"

So there you go OP. He couldn't have made it any clearer could he. He's not lying to you or gaslighting, he's told you fairly and squarely that his daughter will get everything she wants whenever she wants and that she comes first. He doesn't want to compromise and basically if you don't like it then you need to sling your hook. Are you seriously thinking things might change?

I’m all for close relationships parent/child however, this is rather intense when you’re all together. I honestly don’t think I could continue with that situation. If the DD had a boyfriend I fear he may feel pushed out too.

she is only young and will find said boyfriend, things will change without a doubt. She will want to spend most of her time with BF.

unfortunately you are not a priority, personally I wouldn’t hang around and wouldn’t worry that he can’t have a relationship with a woman, that’s his problem/business. Let them get on with their lives and you yours. If he cannot see you as a priority as well has his DD then I wouldn’t go begging for it.

You say you are not getting any younger and don’t want to waste more time on a relationship that is not going anywhere. So don’t.

Time to leave him to his enmeshed and unhealthy relationship with his DD. It won’t change (unless she marries a rich guy and dumps Daddy as no longer useful).

I am just really upset about it, I don't want anything financially but I would like some moral and emotional support and to be made to feel like a proper partner now and again. I have tried so hard to get on with his daughter and usually, friends children of around the same age love me and I don't usually have a problem with people liking me but she just seems to resent me and does her best to make me feel excluded. If we got on (like I wanted us to), it would be so much easier - I don't think it is me personally, most of his previous relationships have failed because of her so I think whoever I was, she would not make me feel wanted and I don't therefore take it personally. I buy her lovely gifts for her birthday and Christmas (which are never good enough and not appreciated) and try to strike up conversations with her but it is really hard work. I am of an age where I want to be with someone who I can ease into retirement with - and despite what some people say, I am neither jealous nor bitter - I would not have made an effort with the daughter if I was and I actually find it quite hurtful that people can say such horrible things, I have no issue with people disagreeing but I don't think there is any need to say personal and horrible things!

This was pretty much me a year and half ago. My ex would pander to his 18 year olds every need. She split her time between his and her mums house dependent on his shift pattern. He’d tell me how intelligent and amazing she was yet (great he should be proud) but when he was overnight at mine we sometimes couldn’t even have a lie in together if she felt like breakfast because she still didn’t know how to cook sausages so he’d have to leave early. He still did her laundry and college lunches and she insisted on him accompanying her to sales shoppping which he said he was growing increasingly uncomfortable with but knew it was just so he’d pay for everything despite her having a PT job. On our first ever short break away as a couple she wanted to come too but when I recommended things for us to do including her also she was always busy and never suggested a different time. She only wanted to continue her dad daughter dates. Ex regularly told me he reminds his DD to remember all the things he does for her because when he’s old and frail he expects to be locked after by he. I thought he meant it as a joke initially but he repeated it so often I think he meant it. So the way I saw it was that he didn’t want ti upset his DD even if she was being unreasonable or unfriendly towards for fear of if he ever needed her in the future as somewhere to live. Tbh this really gave me the ick that his parenting was lead by such a weird principle. In the end I ended it for a few other reasons besides but I do empthasise with yiu OP. In your shoes which sounds worse I’d definitely leave.

This is never going to change.
For your own sake, step away.

A friend of mine had a similar situation where her long term partner always prioritised his adult daughter. She cut him loose and I suggest you do the same and find a partner with less baggage. It is nice he has a daughter he gets on well with but there does not seem any space in his life for a partner. Of course as soon as the daughter finds a boyfriend herself I doubt she will have much time for her Dad. Seems a bit suffocating to me. My husband is close to our daughters but not to the extent your partner is where he ignores me as your DP does to you. Maybe it is because she is an only child?

That’s weird and symbiotic. Do you really want to compete with a child for a man’s attention?

@ThisGreyLurker

"I don't think she likes me much" are you surprised?

For the vast majority, our children will ALWAYS take precedence over a partner.

You've only been with him for ~3 years, she's been in his life for 18+.

Tbh @ThisGreyLurker you will never "win"

You will never be first, it's your choice to make.