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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DB snub - hurt and confused

91 replies

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 20/04/2025 23:04

Looking for a bit of advice/support. I received a text from my SIL to say their family (DB, their kids) can’t make my wedding. No reason given. No apology.
My parents and DS know but don’t want to get involved so it’s not up for discussion.

I’m so hurt by this. By them but also by my parens not acknowledging that this is basically them telling me they don’t want to be part of my life going forward. I’ve made several efforts to involve them in previous events (daughters 21st, my 40th) but they’ve declined which also hurt but I was never sure how or if I should find out more because they always gave a plausible reason each time so left me unable to really say anything. They have very young children and tend not to go out at all.

They also chose today, Easter Sunday, to tell me despite the invitations going out in January. Wedding is in June.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 20/04/2025 23:10

Is it possibly too far for them to travel with young kids? If they’ve been considering it for 3 months maybe they have been thinking about logistics?

or has there been a falling out? Or they have reason not to get on with your finance?

I hope you have a lovely day

Radionowhere · 20/04/2025 23:12

Why do you think they don't want to be part of your life going forward? Did you ask them why they can't make it?

PullTheBricksDown · 20/04/2025 23:14

Is there no clue to this in past events? There must be some disagreement you've had? If it's completely out of the blue that's astonishing as well as hurtful.

Original poster
BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 20/04/2025 23:15

Thank you. It really threw me. I’ve been a bit upset by it but just muddled through with Easter Lunch.
We all live in the same city, which is where the wedding is.
No falling out.

OP posts:
OneWittySquid · 20/04/2025 23:17

Is it a second wedding?

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 20/04/2025 23:17

Could they have financial issues?

Original poster
BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 20/04/2025 23:20

well, they’ve declined previous events but plausibly as they have young kids. We’ve had no disagreements.
Shocked and hurt. I did mention to parents that I’d not heard back about wedding and was beginning to worry they weren’t coming and both parents said “of course they’re coming - they’ve just not got round to replying”
I didn’t want to chase them up… Then this today.

OP posts:
SheridansPortSalut · 20/04/2025 23:20

You've nothing to lose. Just reply calmly with the single word "why?". Let them explain themselves and if it's awkward that's their problem.

Radionowhere · 20/04/2025 23:20

Can you ask your parents or sister if they know what the issue is?

Radionowhere · 20/04/2025 23:22

Just seen your update. Just ask them. Maybe they want to but something's preventing them going.

greengreyblue · 20/04/2025 23:25

I would call and say how disappointed you are but wondered is there anything you can do to make it easier to attend.Is it finances? Childcare?

IstayhomeonFridaynight · 20/04/2025 23:26

Can you reply by saying that's dissapointing, would have been lovely to see them all, kids must be getting big etc, and ask them around for lunch? Make it about rebuilding your relationship with them, not about the wedding invite they've refused.

Original poster
BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 20/04/2025 23:29

Definitely no financial issues.

I’m reading from the text that they just don’t want to come, which makes me think that they have also just not wanted to come to my DD 21st (an early evening meal) and my 40th.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 20/04/2025 23:35

Don’t think I can ask them to anything else as they have declined several previous invites.

Each time I’ve felt hurt that they’ve not come but been unable to really say anything but to decline my wedding, without calling me or telling me why, is a pretty big statement I think.

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 20/04/2025 23:47

"Oh, I'm really disappointed as I would love to have the entire family there. Is there anything I can do to change that?"

You have nothing to lose.

Bobbybobbins · 20/04/2025 23:49

DoYouReally · 20/04/2025 23:47

"Oh, I'm really disappointed as I would love to have the entire family there. Is there anything I can do to change that?"

You have nothing to lose.

This is a good response

Original poster
BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 21/04/2025 00:03

The whole family were invited 😢
Ill need to just accept this.
im not comfortable asking why as they’ve just said unfortunately we can’t make it. I’ve known my SIL since I was 14.

OP posts:
Anonnnomous · 21/04/2025 00:08

I would ask your db why. It might be something like social anxiety rather than them avoiding you.

ZepherinDrouhin · 21/04/2025 00:10

I would directly text your brother and ask why he's unable to attend the wedding. I'd also be worried that he was being isolated from his family by your sil. She declined the invitation rather than your brother, are you sure he's not being coercively controlled by her?

Have his children been given roles at the wedding? If they haven't, could this be the reason why they've declined the invitation? Invite him alone for a coffee and chat to find out the real reason.

SheridansPortSalut · 21/04/2025 00:38

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 20/04/2025 23:35

Don’t think I can ask them to anything else as they have declined several previous invites.

Each time I’ve felt hurt that they’ve not come but been unable to really say anything but to decline my wedding, without calling me or telling me why, is a pretty big statement I think.

You're right. It is a pretty big statement. If you're not comfortable asking them why then you'll just have to accept it and stop inviting them to things.

HappydaysArehere · 21/04/2025 01:23

It could be the fact that going as a family costs quite an outlay. I remember my brother quoting that they would all want new outfits and then there was the wedding present etc.etc. Will the y have to stay overnight somewhere!!! All costs money they might not have or would prefer to spend on a holiday for their immediate family."

Psychoticbreak · 21/04/2025 06:49

Thats shite OP very hurtful. As you say they will have known since Jan and as you are all local to the venue it does seem like they just do not want to go. Unfortunately I think you just need to accept that they do not want to celebrate things with you and just leave them to it hurtful as it is for you. I feel for you because I have had similar happen to me and it does really hurt but you cannot help other peoples actions sadly.

Energe · 21/04/2025 06:57

Well if you’re not prepared to ask why you’ll never know

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/04/2025 07:01

I dont understand why you can't pick up your phone and call your brother.

That said... it is shit and it's clear for whatever reason they dont want a relationship with you and your family

greengreyblue · 21/04/2025 08:04

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 20/04/2025 23:29

Definitely no financial issues.

I’m reading from the text that they just don’t want to come, which makes me think that they have also just not wanted to come to my DD 21st (an early evening meal) and my 40th.

It’s quite bad form of them to do this by text, I think. A phone call at the very least so you can have a conversation . How do you get on with him? Your SIL? Why is she texting and not him?

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