Page 3 | DB snub - hurt and confused

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 2025-04-20T22:04:38+00:00

Looking for a bit of advice/support. I received a text from my SIL to say their family (DB, their kids) can’t make my wedding. No reason given. No apology. My parents and DS know but don’t want to get involved so it’s not up for discussion. I’m so hurt by this. By them but also by my parens not acknowledging that this is basically them telling me they don’t want to be part of my life going forward. I’ve made several efforts to involve them in previous events (daughters 21st, my 40th) but they’ve declined which also hurt but I was never sure how or if I should find out more because they always gave a plausible reason each time so left me unable to really say anything. They have very young children and tend not to go out at all. They also chose today, Easter Sunday, to tell me despite the invitations going out in January. Wedding is in June.

Original poster

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 21/04/2025 14:51

They’re not hugely sociable but we get on (or so I thought) and we saw each other at Xmas time round at parents house, exchanged presents and so on, which was fine.

My SIL is pretty quiet and is an only child. Her parents are quiet and reserved.

Feeling weirdly exhausted about it all today and not sure I have the resilience to call again or send a text which might be ignored.

Sorry to hear of similar situations with other posters. It’s definitely hurtful behaviour. My parents now know and are upset too but there’s not much we can do!

OP posts:

Schoolchoicesucks · 21/04/2025 15:01

Is it "normal" for your relationship that it was SIL who responded rather than your DB? I would be hurt too, OP, both by your DB refusing all invitations you extend and by your parents refusing to engage or acknowledge anything.

Are you able to call round if you live in the same city to talk to him? Or to send a card saying how sad you are that he is unable to come and ask if there is anything you can do that would make it possible for him to join you?

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 21/04/2025 15:04

Do your parents feel that their relationship with their son, dil and grandchildren is ‘normal’ and the same as previously? Is it just you that is feeling this withdrawal? What about your sister? How does she feel about it?

greengreyblue · 21/04/2025 15:35

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 21/04/2025 13:20

She’s done that too. It’s in the OP.

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Yes I know, I meant since he’s not taking her calls. OP has now since updated to say she’s told her parents this and they are also upset. Maybe they will ask some questions too.

justkeepswimingswiming · 21/04/2025 16:04

Just ring your brother and ask him, don’t go through the SIL anymore.

Sistatrouble · 21/04/2025 16:07

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

amiadoormat · 21/04/2025 16:32

without coming across as harsh….your in your 40s with grown up children - weddings at that age are just a bit - self indulgent - maybe they can’t afford the cost of it all just to be guests - how old are their children?

notatinydancer · 21/04/2025 17:36

I can’t imagine having the sort of relationship where you just don’t ask him outright ?

Eggsboxedandmelting · 21/04/2025 17:40

When we got married dh's best mate declined.. One of their dc is autistic and they knew the day would be too much for him.
Anything similar they are keeping from you op?

Bigfatsunandclouds · 21/04/2025 17:55

amiadoormat · 21/04/2025 16:32

without coming across as harsh….your in your 40s with grown up children - weddings at that age are just a bit - self indulgent - maybe they can’t afford the cost of it all just to be guests - how old are their children?

Well that's ageist. Why do you have to be 30s and younger to have a wedding?

Original poster

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 21/04/2025 18:04

It’s a pretty small affair but even if it were a grand day in a castle with a huge dress and loads of bridesmaids and groomsmen I don’t see that it really matters how old we are.

I’ve also requested no gifts or money as I don’t want anyone spending money they may or may not have for the very reason that we already have our house etc and are not young things starting out.

@Eggsboxedandmelting no not that I’m aware of.

OP posts:

Bellyblueboy · 21/04/2025 18:35

This is really hurtful OP, I am sorry.

I have seen this in some families - people just stop having a relationship. There will be a reason but you might never find out what it is.

in your shoes I would accept the decline to the wedding and go low contact between now and then. Enjoy your day then after the wedding reach out one last time to your brother. Something along the lines of

I was so sad that you, Susan and the kids couldn’t make the wedding. You are all important to me and I really missed you. I know life gets in the way, but I wanted to check if there is something else going on? I never get to see you all and I would really love us to be closer. If I have done something to cause this distance please tell me and we can talk about it. Give me a call, we could even meet up for a coffee and a catch up just the two of us?

Original poster

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 21/04/2025 18:59

That’s a great suggestion and it sums up how I’m feeling really well. Thank you.

OP posts:

greengreyblue · 21/04/2025 20:26

Bellyblueboy · 21/04/2025 18:35

This is really hurtful OP, I am sorry.

I have seen this in some families - people just stop having a relationship. There will be a reason but you might never find out what it is.

in your shoes I would accept the decline to the wedding and go low contact between now and then. Enjoy your day then after the wedding reach out one last time to your brother. Something along the lines of

I was so sad that you, Susan and the kids couldn’t make the wedding. You are all important to me and I really missed you. I know life gets in the way, but I wanted to check if there is something else going on? I never get to see you all and I would really love us to be closer. If I have done something to cause this distance please tell me and we can talk about it. Give me a call, we could even meet up for a coffee and a catch up just the two of us?

Send that now not after the wedding.

greengreyblue · 24/04/2025 18:42

Any news op?

Tontostitis · 24/04/2025 19:10

amiadoormat · 21/04/2025 16:32

without coming across as harsh….your in your 40s with grown up children - weddings at that age are just a bit - self indulgent - maybe they can’t afford the cost of it all just to be guests - how old are their children?

What a horrible post. I was 44 when I met my now husband 46 when we married, my first marriage. My 25 year old son gave me away and my 23 year old daughter was my bridesmaid. It was a wonderful day and we celebrated 18 years this year. You are not coming across as harsh, more like unpleasant and vindictive.

MissJoGrant · 24/04/2025 19:30

greengreyblue · 21/04/2025 08:07

Selfish. It’s a theme I notice more and more though, especially on Mumsnet. I get that we can say no etc but there is some obligation and duty around events like this, not withstanding historical dysfunctional relationships, abuse etc.

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No one has a "duty" to go to anyone else's wedding.

MissJoGrant · 24/04/2025 19:41

amiadoormat · 21/04/2025 16:32

without coming across as harsh….your in your 40s with grown up children - weddings at that age are just a bit - self indulgent - maybe they can’t afford the cost of it all just to be guests - how old are their children?

Bizarre comment. 😂

greengreyblue · 24/04/2025 19:46

MissJoGrant · 24/04/2025 19:30

No one has a "duty" to go to anyone else's wedding.

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It’s expected that you attend your sinbling’s wedding. A kind of moral duty. Not withstanding g the other issues I mentioned.

Bellyblueboy · 24/04/2025 20:46

MissJoGrant · 24/04/2025 19:30

No one has a "duty" to go to anyone else's wedding.

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You are correct - it’s an invitation which means it can be declined.

But not attending a sibling’s wedding and not giving a good reason or even speaking directly to your sibling is cold.

MrsKeats · 24/04/2025 21:47

So sorry op. That’s pretty shitty of them. Why is your sil the one to get in touch and not your db?

Original poster

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 24/04/2025 22:51

No news. No return of my call. No explanation.

My SIL would normally be the communicator with anything but this will have been his instruction. At the end of the day they (or he) don’t want to come and I don’t want to force the issue as it may snowball into something bigger and it’s already put a cloud over the day. People will be asking why they’re not there so I’ll have to think about how I navigate that.

as others have rightly said it’s up to them, hurtful though it may be to me/us. I’m going to try to carry on as normal.

OP posts:

motherhen27 · 24/04/2025 23:00

That is really bad form and quite weird I would say. There could be a multitude of reasons - health, financial, social anxiety - but to just say nah we’re not coming with no further explanation to your actual sibling…very, very odd.

As pp have said, there’s not a lot you can do other than accept it. But it would certainly change my perception of them and I wouldn’t be inviting them to anything or making effort with them in the future.

Original poster

BlackLotusWhiteDahlia · 24/04/2025 23:06

Yes, it’s a line in the sand definitely.

OP posts:

ChastenSlowly · 25/04/2025 05:09

Declining the invitation by text on Easter Sunday sounds like it was done by design, to be hurtful. That's awful timing. Your SIL would have known you'd be doing something special that day.

She sounds mean as does your brother. You sound lovely. I hope you have a wonderful day with others around you that do care and love you.

I would be pressing my parents further for answers, surely they know the reason?