DB snub - hurt and confused

[BlackLotusWhiteDahlia]

Looking for a bit of advice/support. I received a text from my SIL to say their family (DB, their kids) can’t make my wedding. No reason given. No apology.
My parents and DS know but don’t want to get involved so it’s not up for discussion.

I’m so hurt by this. By them but also by my parens not acknowledging that this is basically them telling me they don’t want to be part of my life going forward. I’ve made several efforts to involve them in previous events (daughters 21st, my 40th) but they’ve declined which also hurt but I was never sure how or if I should find out more because they always gave a plausible reason each time so left me unable to really say anything. They have very young children and tend not to go out at all.

They also chose today, Easter Sunday, to tell me despite the invitations going out in January. Wedding is in June.

Selfish. It’s a theme I notice more and more though, especially on Mumsnet. I get that we can say no etc but there is some obligation and duty around events like this, not withstanding historical dysfunctional relationships, abuse etc.

If you have known your SIL since age 14 whatever is going on is relatively new? Is this to be your second husband? Maybe they don’t get on with him? Maybe they feel a loyalty to your ex husband?

Absolutely zero chance he’s being coercively controlled. If anything he’s the controlling one.

also no financial issues, Kids are invited so no childcare required.

decided to call. They didn’t pick up.

I’d call again. It is the sort of refusal that would be expected to come with a conversation. They may have a valid reason but if they just don’t want to, then that tells you where to place your future energy & concern.

its not my second wedding although ive had a relationship before this that ended many years ago. They aren’t in touch with my ex and weren’t particularly close to him at the time either.

Do you ever see your DB and his family or are they just not really part of your life?

"decided to call. They didn’t pick up."

I'm sorry. That's shitty. They are absolute cowards for just cutting you off without any explanation.

Mumsnet can be very quick to advise posters to go no contact with family. This is the flip side of it. You are left hurt and totally confused as to why you've been cut off. No contact should be an absolute last resort, not a first port of call.

Why can’t you just call your brother and ask him why?

She did.

Keep trying.

He didn’t answer the call.

OP when was the last time you saw him/ them? Just casually, say at your parent’s hous or Christmas? What was the vibe?

You have your answer then: they are willing to pretend towards cordial relations except if it directly involves celebrating you and yours.

Take some time and realize that this cut off has been going in for a long time but you and your patents have manufactured or accepted excuses. But your brother (or your SIL), really doesn’t like you and really doesn’t intend to be in what they perceive to be in the subordinate position of celebrating you and yours.

I wish people would read the full thread and stop telling OP to call him. She has and he hasn’t responded. Any normal sibling would want to apologise for not making their Dsis wedding. They know she has called, it’s up to him to respond.

That is hurtful OP. I guess they don’t want to go. But i’d have expected a reason.

They sound pretty mean. Sorry you’re going through this, OP.

I’m sorry OP, it’s really shitty and cowardly what your “D”B and SIL have done, but also frustrating that the rest of the family won’t tell you what their problem is.

As they’re refusing to answer the phone, maybe send a text asking why they cannot attend what is a massive life even so you can tell the rest of the family why they are not there? and also let them know you’re sad that they won’t be there to celebrate this milestone with you and the rest of the family?

Going forward I would put in the same energy in the relationship that they have. They are the ones missing out.

Ok that's just weird. I wouldn't be able to leave it until I had some sort of explanation. It's actually quite cruel!

Keep trying to call. I honestly think you need to call him out this time and find out why.

Surely if you were that close to them they wouldn’t need to message you because it would have already been fully discussed way before this point? Especially as you live in the same city.

Do they attend things organised by your parents and your other sibling? What about your SIL's side of the family? Do they attend their events?

If they do, declining your wedding invitation is a snub. If they don't attend anything, irrespective of who the invitation is from, they are obviously just anti-social and don't enjoy these types of events.

As he’s not replying can you call your parents and sound them out?

She’s done that too. It’s in the OP.

I have an older brother that I'm not/never have been close to. My mother and younger brother couldn't attend my wedding (they live on the other side of the world, my mother can no longer fly and my younger brother couldn't afford it) so my mother insisted I invite older brother. At that point I'd not seen him in 6 years, even though I'd done my best to try and keep in touch.

Didn't receive an RSPV, wasn't able to get hold of him by telephone (he lived at the other end of the country at the time, but regularly came back to visit friends). Right up til the day of, had no idea if he was going to be there or not. First thing I see when I walk into the registry office is him and his then girlfriend (later wife, as of last year ex wife)...both dressed in dirty sweatshirts and jeans. Invite had said 'formal wear'... he then proceeds to tell me they can't stay long, they've left their dog in the car...they leave before the reception had started.

Found out last year, that he'd had no intention of attending, until they'd been out in the local woods that day and his girlfriend had basically forced him to attend by driving them to the registry office on the way back home...hence their attire and the dog. Frankly, I'd rather they hadn't. That was 25 years ago and I've not seen my brother since. Not arsed.

It's upsetting, I know, but don't force it. Looking back, I'm pissed off that I let my mother force me into inviting my brother in the first place.

Maybe they are not as close to you as you think.
I have family members like this seem really close then they fad out im one of them people.
Its not that i hate them its just not important enough for me to keep going to family events i have no interest in when i have my own life to get on with.
No fall outs no arguments just fading out.

Edited to add we have a family member that every few months something bigish or big is planned meals out family get togethers the big 21/30/40/ party its not for me.
I have no interest in someone elses child turning 21 the parents might but i dont.
Or the fact she is having a big 45 birthday it seems to be anything to keep the family together when infact we are all drifting apart and moving on.