DB snub - hurt and confused

[BlackLotusWhiteDahlia]

Looking for a bit of advice/support. I received a text from my SIL to say their family (DB, their kids) can’t make my wedding. No reason given. No apology.
My parents and DS know but don’t want to get involved so it’s not up for discussion.

I’m so hurt by this. By them but also by my parens not acknowledging that this is basically them telling me they don’t want to be part of my life going forward. I’ve made several efforts to involve them in previous events (daughters 21st, my 40th) but they’ve declined which also hurt but I was never sure how or if I should find out more because they always gave a plausible reason each time so left me unable to really say anything. They have very young children and tend not to go out at all.

They also chose today, Easter Sunday, to tell me despite the invitations going out in January. Wedding is in June.

If they don't come and people ask you why, just be honest and say you don't know, if they push tell them to ask your brother as you have no idea. Can't be a surprise to them though as you say they haven't attended any of your other life events

I agree entirely.

Their behaviour is really not ok. Yes, they are allowed to decline invitations, but to not turn up to any of your celebrations over the years, and then decline your wedding invitation by text with no reason given, is a bit much. And I find it strange that your brother won’t so much as call you when there’s been no falling out. But you will likely never know, and will have to decide how much effort you want to make moving forward. I’m sorry they’ve put you in this position.

I think that’s terrible of them not giving you an explanation which makes me think it’s either two things …… 1 - They can’t tell you the truth why they don’t want to come , ie something like they don’t like your bf and think your doing the wrong thing marrying him or ……. 2 - your brother is a controlling , jealous of your attention , drama king who enjoys stonewalling and spoiling things for you . Something like that maybe ?

People will be asking why they’re not there so I’ll have to think about how I navigate that

And you answer with the truth "I've no idea".

Are your parents now aware they’re not coming?

Exactly this.

If it was me, I'd go to them with the 'Have I done something to upset you ' approach. Maybe you have and yet, you are completely unaware of it. Maybe it's a misunderstanding that could be easily fixed.

I suspect that the reason you didn't instantly phone your brother when you got the text is the reason they aren't attending.

Choosing Easter Sunday is also a clue, since it was designed to be cruel. If your parents are not firmly with you and telling your brother he and SIL are out of order, something tells me you won't be surprised.

I think that like many of us, you are only beginning to understand the family dysfunction as you get older.

Call your brother until he answers the phone, where does he live? Pop over

Strange thing for them to have done. It's a definite signal that they don't like you and don't want to be a part of your life anymore.i wouldn't contact them anymore. I'm suprised at your brother, for letting this happen. Why isn't your mum getting involved? Or at least passing on information they've said regarding this?!

Why on earth is a wedding in your forties self-indulgent??? That’s a bizarre take. It’s not like it’s her fourth wedding, she’s never been married before.

This is really sad, especially combined with them not attending your 40th or your daughter’s 21st. I’m guessing you’re not close though by the fact that the invitations went out months ago and you’re only just found out they’re not coming? It implies that you don’t regularly see him or catch up on the phone, because if you did the wedding would have been discussed many times as the big thing going on in your life just now.

😂 yes such a bizarre post.

i suspect this individual disapproves of parties and fun and frivolity and laughter.

I would assume MH issues if there's no good solid reason for a falling out. Maybe other people have been told that there's an issue, but wouldn't tell you (as it's not their news to tell). If it's one of these 'I might be able to do it, so don't let's answer just yet...' conditions (like social anxiety, where the sufferer convinces themself that this time will be different, this time they WILL go) then this might be the case. I would wonder whether your SIL suffers from extreme social anxiety or an inability to be out of her own comfort zone.

Not that this helps you, but only very tactful questions to a third party will give you the answer, if they really don't want to talk about it.

Or is still very young and thinks people over forty are so ANCIENT they’re not allowed romance or fun or joy and should just sit at home all day in their slippers.

That is difficult for you. Is there something going on in their lives I wonder? - perhaps a serious health problem? Or a mental health problem like agoraphobia? - you have said they do not go out much? It may not be that they do not want to be a part of your life going forward as you are feling.

When did you last actually see them?

My parents and DS know but don’t want to get involved so it’s not up for discussion. - this makes it sound as though the is some underlying reason that is being kept from you - is this what you think?

In the end if they do not want to come then they do not want to come - not ideal, but I am sure there are plenty of people who are looking forward to it. You may just have to accept this situation and try not to let it upset you.

During my life (I suspect a longer one than yours!) I have gradually begun to learn not to take things personally; that sometimes things that seem to be about you or some perceived shortcoming in reality are not and are simply a problem that the other person has.

If they are not wanting to share in your life in any way this may be something that you will have to accept. You cannot spend the rest of your life being sad about this - it may be that they simply have to lead their life apart from yours. Not what you would have chosen I know, but you cannot fight everything.

Please do not let this spoil your happy day.