OLD -what do you think he means here about kids..?

bananasarent · 2025-04-19T23:03:23+00:00

I'm 38 and want kids (yes, I know lots will tell me to do it on my own etc but I don't want to..I want to try to meet someone and hope it happens together. Open to adoption etc if it doesn't happen naturally or if I run out of time etc). Been messaging a guy for a few days and he seems good...cute, good chat, open messages, things in common, good career, attracted to him from photos. This is rare for me... I'm interested in about 1% of men on these apps! Now he's asked me out. But he hasn't said if he wants kids on his profile so I bit the bullet and decided to ask before agreeing to it (there's a long backstory where I've been let down by exes who changed their mind/weren't ready for kids so i wanted to ask before) If he said no to wanting kids, I wouldn't bother seeing him...he said... "No that’s a fair question and thought I had it on there so apologies. My statement on that is “open to kids”. I guess I’m on here to find a long term relationship and If that eventually leads to a family then I’m open to that. But concentrating on finding a connection first. How do you feel about that, is that enough? I do appreciate it is a big thing." I've said basically I'm not sure how I feel but it's enough to grab a coffee...but now I'm second guessing myself... the "eventually" worries me? Is that just him not wanting to say no as he thinks I won't want to see him..or is he being genuine that it kind of depends on meeting the right person etc. I guess it's often different for men as they can't control it as much as we can (and they have more time!) Thoughts? He's 43 btw but both in a big city with busy careers where it's more understandable that he's not had them yet (although he's right at the maximum of the age I would consider dating ha!)

Newmumhere40 · 20/04/2025 00:13

Similar situation with me and DP, we have a gorgeous baby who he absolutely adores and wanted from day one (after we established an amazing connection). Prior to meeting he would have said exactly what your guy has stated. Some men need to meet someone 'right' before considering having kids (obviously if you meet and start dating a more serious conversation would take place).

Btw, we were the same ages as you guys. Go for coffee.

Cakencookieobsessed · 20/04/2025 00:15

You're thinking too much of it for a guy you've not even met yet.

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2025 00:18

I think you’ve made yourself sound needy and he’ll be put off.
If men fall in love with a woman they’ll do whatever it takes to make that woman happy so you don’t need to ask these questions. He’ll be asking you those questions.
That said if he’s 43 and no kids there’s probably something majorly wrong with him anyway.

themightysossidge · 20/04/2025 00:21

You don't even know that he means what he said. I would hazard a guess though that if he hasn't by 43 he's not keen.

Original poster

bananasarent · 20/04/2025 00:21

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2025 00:18

I think you’ve made yourself sound needy and he’ll be put off.
If men fall in love with a woman they’ll do whatever it takes to make that woman happy so you don’t need to ask these questions. He’ll be asking you those questions.
That said if he’s 43 and no kids there’s probably something majorly wrong with him anyway.

Well he's not put off and I have a lot to offer in a relationship so I'm not fussed about that perspective. I'm 38 and he's 43, what's the point on wasting time even meeting up with one wants kids and one doesn't?

Also don't necessarily agree with the comment about kids at 43 for him...he's still got another 10 years or so to have them..I've probably got a few max and I don't feel there's something wrong with me for not having had them (apart from poor men choices!)

OP posts:

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/04/2025 00:22

Sounds like he’s been honest and that’s a good thing. You sound needy and hard to please so I think he’d responded well

SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/04/2025 00:23

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/04/2025 00:22

Sounds like he’s been honest and that’s a good thing. You sound needy and hard to please so I think he’d responded well

I agree that his honesty is a good thing. I disagree that the op sounds needy and hard to please.

newgirl8487 · 20/04/2025 00:25

I wouldn’t overthink it - I think the first poster nailed it. He’d like a family borne out of a loving relationship. Go on the date and enjoy yourself 😊

SquashedMallow · 20/04/2025 00:26

You're getting desperate and it shows. I understand why. But you are giving off very heavy vibes to someone you haven't met.

By all means bring it up if you meet him and it progresses to a few dates in. But I think you've jumped the gun just a tad.

You're 38, so that's quite late to be at the 'starting' stage. It's going to probably take at least a year to get to the stage where you discuss trying (and that's on the generous side) so I get where you're coming from. But if you go in too "desperate" it will act as a repellant.

Good luck. Try to at least go on the dates first before bringing up you need children.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/04/2025 00:27

SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/04/2025 00:23

I agree that his honesty is a good thing. I disagree that the op sounds needy and hard to please.

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That’s fine, she asked for opinions so I gave mine.

Original poster

bananasarent · 20/04/2025 00:28

SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/04/2025 00:23

I agree that his honesty is a good thing. I disagree that the op sounds needy and hard to please.

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thanks..tbf I think it sounds maybe like my message to him was intense because his reply said "is that enough" and it seems like maybe my message asked him for a lot, but it didnt! I think he was trying to be genuine there saying "is this statement enough for you to want to go for a coffee?"

I'd actually just said to his suggestion of coffee/drink

"Sure that sounds nice... I am conscious though that your profile is silent on if you see kids in your future. I appreciate that it seems a bit much to ask about before even meeting but don't really want to waste each other's time if we're on different pages about that..."

He then replied his message I've already sent.

OP posts:

titchy · 20/04/2025 00:29

Just go for coffee/a meal and see what the vibe is. Don’t overthink. You have nothing to lose and potentially a lot to gain. Not really how one evening is taking up a major amount of your time tbh.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/04/2025 00:30

bananasarent · 20/04/2025 00:28

thanks..tbf I think it sounds maybe like my message to him was intense because his reply said "is that enough" and it seems like maybe my message asked him for a lot, but it didnt! I think he was trying to be genuine there saying "is this statement enough for you to want to go for a coffee?"

I'd actually just said to his suggestion of coffee/drink

"Sure that sounds nice... I am conscious though that your profile is silent on if you see kids in your future. I appreciate that it seems a bit much to ask about before even meeting but don't really want to waste each other's time if we're on different pages about that..."

He then replied his message I've already sent.

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For me your message to him is upfront and forward but that’s you so that’s fine. My comments refer to you still over analysing his honest response, it’s too much when you’ve not met yet. Overthinking it

Original poster

bananasarent · 20/04/2025 00:32

And tbh I'm not fussed about if anyone thinks I sound needy or whatever to have asked. I'm comfortable and happy I asked. Just like I wouldn't go on a date with someone who smoked (and I would ask if he did before going on a date if he hadn't mentioned it on his profile). It's fine to be clear about what you're looking for and any decent man wouldn't be scared off by that.

I'm just wanting some opinions on his response as I've been burned before...

OP posts:

Hemlocked · 20/04/2025 00:33

He sounds nice but I wouldn't waste your time.

Original poster

bananasarent · 20/04/2025 00:36

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/04/2025 00:30

For me your message to him is upfront and forward but that’s you so that’s fine. My comments refer to you still over analysing his honest response, it’s too much when you’ve not met yet. Overthinking it

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that's fair... I do over think... but I also wasted almost 2 years with someone who'd said "open to kids" originally and something similar to this guy when first asked 🙈

I guess a coffee isn't going to be a big deal. I'll just have to see what he says if/ when he expands on the discussion maybe.. 🤔

OP posts:

TheSlantedOwl · 20/04/2025 00:37

Your question was totally ok, his response is positive, go for it and see how you get on.

BoxOfCats · 20/04/2025 00:38

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2025 00:18

I think you’ve made yourself sound needy and he’ll be put off.
If men fall in love with a woman they’ll do whatever it takes to make that woman happy so you don’t need to ask these questions. He’ll be asking you those questions.
That said if he’s 43 and no kids there’s probably something majorly wrong with him anyway.

Why would there be something majorly wrong with him? There are plenty of reasons why someone might get to 43 and not have kids. Perhaps they've not met the right person yet and didn't want to bring a kid into that.

I am 43 btw and childless, although that's by choice rather than because I'm defective.

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2025 00:40

How do you know he’s not put off? Him still being in contact doesn’t mean he hasn’t just downgraded you in his mind.
Your’re 38 and still on the shelf. Don’t emphasise it by making yourself look desperate for kids etc. His answer is totally on the fence and tells you precisely nothing. It’s a pointless question to ask anyway because it’s not in a man’s interest to answer honestly. His behaviour towards you over a period of months is the only indicator of whether a man is going to give you what you want in life. Actions not words when it comes to men.

Original poster

bananasarent · 20/04/2025 00:48

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2025 00:40

How do you know he’s not put off? Him still being in contact doesn’t mean he hasn’t just downgraded you in his mind.
Your’re 38 and still on the shelf. Don’t emphasise it by making yourself look desperate for kids etc. His answer is totally on the fence and tells you precisely nothing. It’s a pointless question to ask anyway because it’s not in a man’s interest to answer honestly. His behaviour towards you over a period of months is the only indicator of whether a man is going to give you what you want in life. Actions not words when it comes to men.

Wow. What misogynistic language to use...Still on the shelf as if I'm an item that can be bought and hasn't been picked/has no value because I haven't got a man or kids? 😂

Fortunately I don't define my worth by that!

And if he's "put off" then great, I've saved myself some time before finding out he's not a decent man

OP posts:

StrawberryDream24 · 20/04/2025 00:50

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2025 00:40

How do you know he’s not put off? Him still being in contact doesn’t mean he hasn’t just downgraded you in his mind.
Your’re 38 and still on the shelf. Don’t emphasise it by making yourself look desperate for kids etc. His answer is totally on the fence and tells you precisely nothing. It’s a pointless question to ask anyway because it’s not in a man’s interest to answer honestly. His behaviour towards you over a period of months is the only indicator of whether a man is going to give you what you want in life. Actions not words when it comes to men.

Are you an incel or red piller?

You couldn't be female (?)

If you are, the way you speak to other women & your values ...... SMH.

StrawberryDream24 · 20/04/2025 00:53

I think you’ve made yourself sound needy

She sounded assertive, not needy.

It's not needy to clarify that there are no deal breakers (smoker, already has kids, not open to having kids etc) before dating someone. It's sensible.

StrawberryDream24 · 20/04/2025 00:55

bananasarent · 20/04/2025 00:36

that's fair... I do over think... but I also wasted almost 2 years with someone who'd said "open to kids" originally and something similar to this guy when first asked 🙈

I guess a coffee isn't going to be a big deal. I'll just have to see what he says if/ when he expands on the discussion maybe.. 🤔

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Personally I'm in favour of American style dating.

Especially when time is of the essence.

Unless they bring up exclusivity, I wouldn't be raising it and I wouldn't be seeing only one person at a time.

ClareBlue · 20/04/2025 00:55

43 no kids is better than 43 with 5 kids from 3 different women who he never sees or supports. I would say his response was fine to progress to a meet up and take it from there.
I know a couple of exactly the same age who didn't have children when they met who had 2 within 3 years of meeting. Sometimes it's just meeting the right person at the right time in life. Go for it.

StrawberryDream24 · 20/04/2025 00:56

Your’re 38 and still on the shelf

He's 43 and "still on the shelf" so ...

Oh but you already said their must be something wrong with him, right.