OLD -what do you think he means here about kids..?

[bananasarent]

I'm 38 and want kids (yes, I know lots will tell me to do it on my own etc but I don't want to..I want to try to meet someone and hope it happens together. Open to adoption etc if it doesn't happen naturally or if I run out of time etc).

Been messaging a guy for a few days and he seems good...cute, good chat, open messages, things in common, good career, attracted to him from photos. This is rare for me... I'm interested in about 1% of men on these apps! Now he's asked me out. But he hasn't said if he wants kids on his profile so I bit the bullet and decided to ask before agreeing to it (there's a long backstory where I've been let down by exes who changed their mind/weren't ready for kids so i wanted to ask before) If he said no to wanting kids, I wouldn't bother seeing him...he said...

"No that’s a fair question and thought I had it on there so apologies. My statement on that is “open to kids”. I guess I’m on here to find a long term relationship and If that eventually leads to a family then I’m open to that. But concentrating on finding a connection first. How do you feel about that, is that enough? I do appreciate it is a big thing."

I've said basically I'm not sure how I feel but it's enough to grab a coffee...but now I'm second guessing myself... the "eventually" worries me? Is that just him not wanting to say no as he thinks I won't want to see him..or is he being genuine that it kind of depends on meeting the right person etc. I guess it's often different for men as they can't control it as much as we can (and they have more time!)

Thoughts?

He's 43 btw but both in a big city with busy careers where it's more understandable that he's not had them yet (although he's right at the maximum of the age I would consider dating ha!)

I think his response is entirely normal and rational. He's said, almost word for word, what my single female friend (35) says.

because his reply said "is that enough" and it seems like maybe my message asked him for a lot, but it didnt

I don't think that's what he meant.

I think he just meant "is that a sufficient answer to your question (for you to decide whether to go ahead and arrange a date)?" Basically - that's where I stand, I've tried to be as clear as possible, is that clear enough for you to be able to decide whether to start a potential relationship?

lol definitely female. Married with children. Straight talking that’s all and did a fair bit of OLD before I got married. Everyone’s on the shelf on OLD but crack on with these methods. Personally I don’t think they work in dating. Too much pressure, not enough mystery, fun or excitement. If you don’t have those you’ve got little chance of the rest of it.

The thing with online dating, is you can spend ages messaging and building a picture of someone in your mind and meet them and they are a total let down! Or in messages they seem really dull but in person they’re very sweet and funny. Just meet him!!

If you want to fall head over heels with someone and have kids quickly, you’ll need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince! Picking apart every sentence is going to slow that down.

His answer is totally on the fence and tells you precisely nothing

You must be reading a different thread from me ..... His answer said he's open to having kids with the right person.

Which is enough for the op to date him and see if they have the potential to be each other's right person.

Straight talking that’s all

You're not straight talking.

but crack on with these methods. Personally I don’t think they work in dating

There's no point in the op meeting him if he doesn't want kids, because the op wants kids

She was right to ask if it wasn't clear in his profile, which it apparently wasn't.

If someone judges you for wanting to make sure they're not averse to having kids ...... They're unreasonable.
It would be a complete waste of time to even go on one date if the person doesn't want kids.

If a guy or woman didn't want to date a single parent, they would be perfectly reasonable to ask - if it's not clear on the profile - whether the prospective date has any kids.

If a guy or girl was totally opposed to having kids and wanted to be child free; they would be perfectly reasonable to ask (if not clear on the profile) whether he prospective date is the same or open to having kids/wants kids.

There's no point in meeting up without those clarified.

I’d be wary - if he wants kids as much as you he’d have put that on his profile IMO. I think he’s saying he wants the long lead in time in a relationship in which to get to the stage where he’d be ready for a family. All distant future. He’s got the luxury of unlimited (sort of) fertility /time to be able to do that. If at all. You’re looking to settle more quickly & that doesn’t make you needy or desperate just realistic. Yes it’s unromantic but so is OLD. Don’t feel ashamed that your clock is forcing you into this position. Meet but just lay that out & maybe say you respect his timeline but for obvious reasons you’re having to think about it being a much nearer part of your future - with the right person. And you realise that can be a turn off/seem too full on. I think you’ll get a sense of what he’s like but personally I think a family is lower down on his goals than yours.

he’d have put that on his profile IMO.

He said he thought he had that on it (open to kids)..

Unless he's lying/fudging.

I think he means exactly what he says - he wouldn’t rule out having kids, but he’s not thinking about it with someone he hasn’t even had a date with yet. He’s open to the possibility of having kids with someone in future, but that isn’t the reason he’s looking for a partner.

He’s been perfectly clear, really.

I think your initial message to him was clear and assertive (not in an aggressive way) and didn't make you sound needy. You just didn't want to waste each other's time if you want completely different things. And I think his answer to you was totally clear as well. He's open to the idea of having kids – maybe he's more in favour of it than 'open to the idea' implies, or maybe he's less in favour if it – but his main point is that finding the right connection with someone is his first priority. Totally fair enough.

So you've laid your cards on the table, he's done the same - I don't see the issue here. Go for coffee and see what happens! At the very worst you'll have wasted an hour or two!

He’s telling you he wants kids with the right person. He’s telling you he won’t be starting a family 6 months down the line. If you want to get pregnant fast then don’t date him. But as someone who did online dating most men’s don’t fess up to wanting a family on it. They say maybe and then it never happens.

You sound utterly insufferable and rather unpleasant.
Are you one of those ghastly people who make being “straight talking “ a personality trait and an excuse to be unkind ?

he basically wants the same thing as you? you both want it to happen naturally and i think its a bit harsh to write someone off cause they havent agreed to having kids with you yet lol

most online dates arent successful anyway so id say just meet, see if you click and take it from there, dont make any rash decisions

What he said is fine at 30. Perfect even.

At 43 it means he doesn't want kids.

At 43 you either want them or you don't and a laissez-faire attitude means 'i don't want them/if we have them, meh, you'll be doing all the work anyway, so whatever'.

He's 43, he doesn't have the luxury of 'meh'. If he wanted them he would say 'I WANT them, and so would the right person for me'. 'Im open to' is what you say when you haven't given it any thought because it isn't relevant or you don't really care.

Newmumhere40 · Today 00:13

Similar situation with me and DP, we have a gorgeous baby who he absolutely adores and wanted from day one (after we established an amazing connection). Prior to meeting he would have said exactly what your guy has stated. Some men need to meet someone 'right' before considering having kids (obviously if you meet and start dating a more serious conversation would take place).
Btw, we were the same ages as you guys. Go for coffee.

Cakencookieobsessed · Today 00:15

You're thinking too much of it for a guy you've not even met yet.
.........
I agree with both.

That same poster also said earlier in the thread that there must be sonething wrong with the man in question as he has no children at 43

How awful to read that this poster is married with children as she will be instilling in them her Handmaid's Tale-esque rhetoric that if you don't reproduce then you're faulty bollocks .

The guy is giving green flags. Anybody who is open to impregnating random women from tinder within a few weeks of knowing them isn't a keeper.

Any guy who doesn't want to build a connection first is looking for a shag and doesn't care if there's a child as a consequence.

There's definitely a fetsih for impregnation but I forget what it's called.

Any men that fall into that category probably already have a couple of kids dotted about that they don't see / contribute towards and aren't very nice people.

I think I'd be shocked by somebody being so up front, a coffee is just a coffee. You might scare people off by being for forthcoming before even meeting. I know you don't want to waste your time but equally you might just end up attracting wierdos and deadbeats.

I also think it's easy for men to say something vague like "maybe" or "one day" to kids, but in person on a date you can tell of it's something they're at all enthusiastic about.

The guys reply was totally correct and actually perfect, you should want a good relationship first surely. My now hubby when I met him I said mind if this goes somewhere I do want kids in the future and he didn't say no or anything outright yes just a typical guy with a non committal answer, anyhow I decided he was such a good guy to give it a go and here we are with 4 kids between 3-15 married and still happy as anything

If he was really keen on having kids he wouldn’t be matching with 38yos OP.

I think its great OP. Smoke them out before wasting your time.

I wasted time on men who didn't want kids through my 30s. Mainly because they already had them and didn't want more. They gave me the guff about being open to the idea but they truly weren't, as I discovered down the line.

I finally became a mum at 37 and I was clear from the start of our relationship that it was a deal breaker.

Agree his reply was as perfect as it could be in the context.
The context is that he has not shown in his profile or his decision to date someone in their late 30s that children are a priority.

It is a heavy question for someone you haven’t even met for a coffee. Surely that’s not too much of an investment to make before taking the conversation to the next step?
Hope your date is great OP.

I just don't think it works like this for the vast majority of men, and you can't really expect a definitive statement or even position about actively wanting children in the same way you can from a woman who has biological pressures to make it happen quickly.

Bearing that in mind, he's been about as clear as he could be on his position, he doesn't need to tie himself into negotiations or an unwise promise to want children immediately with someone he's not even met yet.

I know you're desperate for children OP but don't let the guy think you are desperate. Men can smell it a mile off.

Agreed