OLD -what do you think he means here about kids..?

[bananasarent]

I'm 38 and want kids (yes, I know lots will tell me to do it on my own etc but I don't want to..I want to try to meet someone and hope it happens together. Open to adoption etc if it doesn't happen naturally or if I run out of time etc).

Been messaging a guy for a few days and he seems good...cute, good chat, open messages, things in common, good career, attracted to him from photos. This is rare for me... I'm interested in about 1% of men on these apps! Now he's asked me out. But he hasn't said if he wants kids on his profile so I bit the bullet and decided to ask before agreeing to it (there's a long backstory where I've been let down by exes who changed their mind/weren't ready for kids so i wanted to ask before) If he said no to wanting kids, I wouldn't bother seeing him...he said...

"No that’s a fair question and thought I had it on there so apologies. My statement on that is “open to kids”. I guess I’m on here to find a long term relationship and If that eventually leads to a family then I’m open to that. But concentrating on finding a connection first. How do you feel about that, is that enough? I do appreciate it is a big thing."

I've said basically I'm not sure how I feel but it's enough to grab a coffee...but now I'm second guessing myself... the "eventually" worries me? Is that just him not wanting to say no as he thinks I won't want to see him..or is he being genuine that it kind of depends on meeting the right person etc. I guess it's often different for men as they can't control it as much as we can (and they have more time!)

Thoughts?

He's 43 btw but both in a big city with busy careers where it's more understandable that he's not had them yet (although he's right at the maximum of the age I would consider dating ha!)

It will work for some and not for others. I had an evening with a guy who told me about a woman who turned up with a spreadsheet of questions on her iPad 😂

I think it’s a bad idea to have these type of conversations over text. Meet first, there is a good chance that you/he won’t even want to meet again. You are conversing with a stranger. You wouldn’t be the first person to go on a date and find that the bloke is 10 years older than his profile or is a total weirdo in person.

For the record I would guess that a 43 year old with no kids saying that he is ‘open’ to kids is trying to date anyone and everyone (woman wanting/not wanting kids and those that already have kids). Do update us though.

I think it means that he might agree to having them, but won’t see parenting as his job. He’d be open to getting the kudos that goes with being a dad, but not so keen on the work of it. Any children will be your children, @bananasarent , unless they’re being cute or successful. He’ll be a semi-detached dad. If you split up down the line he’ll do the bare minimum every other weekend, and resent paying for their school trips and hobbies and so on.

Or maybe I’m an old cynic. But this would be my interpretation.

Mumsnet is rife with examples of the stress that babies put on relationships, and the consequences of getting pregnant before the relationship has had a chance to mature. If this guy is wary about getting steamrollered by somebody’s biological clock I don’t blame him.

I think you were right to ask him and I think his reply was fine. Obviously men don't have so much pressure to have children before a certain age so he will be more relaxed about it.
I would try and have fun dating and maybe have a deadline at which time you will start the process of having a child on your own.
I hope your date goes well, please come back and update after. I'm rooting for you!

Laughing at people saying 43 is too old, why doesn't he have kids yet.... People who live in cities often lead different, varied lives. Be a bit more open minded. 43 isn't even old when men don't mature until their 30s (being kind here).

Also you aren't being needy OP @bananasarent as soon as women say what they want, people accuse them of being too much. Why waste your time and emotional energy on dating if you don't know if they want kids?! You're not asking him if he wants kids WITH you RIGHT NOW.

If at 43 he still isn't sure about children then thats pretty much a no .
And at your age you need to do it sooner rather then later.
I would just do it alone . If kids is really want you want .

Yeah I would say that if he's not had kids by this point, he's either actively dodged having them dating Mums that don't want more kids, or he's not able to produce them, or he just doesn't want them.
As an earlier poster said, his sperm quality will have gone down by age 43. He may think he has all the time in the world to put it on hold but he really hasn't.

There’s little point freezing eggs after 35.

Embryos, maybe. Not eggs. The success rate of frozen eggs, especially after 34/5 is very low.

I think you’ve both been open and honest. He’s put a lot of thought into his answer and I think it bodes well.
Your question would be too intense for someone seeking a casual relationship but I think it hit the right note for someone looking for something serious. Which I think his answer shows he is.

i wouldn’t focus on that anytime on the first date though unless he brings the subject up,

You need to chill out. This feverish need to reproduce will cloud any sensible judgement. Go with the flow, and don't trap a man with a pregnancy just because you was very busy the previous 38yrs.
Men are not something to snare for babies. That's wickedly unfair IMHO.

I think what he said was pretty reasonable. It’s the way DH and I approached our relationship. Choose to spend your life with each other and if kids come that’s great but if they don’t then we’ll still be happy together. I was almost 36 when we got married. 38 and 39 when we had our kids. We didn’t start TTC until we’d been married a year. I had friends urging me to start TTC the minute we were engaged as in their worlds having kids was the number one priority. Twenty years down the track DH and I adore our kids but still have a very happy marriage too. Those friends are entering that phase of life where kids are growing up and they’ve got nothing in common any more.

If kids are so important to you that you’ll bring them up before meeting someone for coffee I’d be reexamining whether you should try to have one on your own. That headspace is going to put a fledgling relationship under huge pressure from day one.

TBF when I've dated before I rarely want to see anyone after the 1st date as I'm quite picky.

I met my now DH online dating. I was completely indifferent towards him after the first date. First dates you’re usually both nervous and trying to suss each other out and also mostly concentrating how you’re coming across yourself. On the 2nd date me and DH got along much better and relaxed. If you’re expecting chemistry by the end of a first date you’re being unrealistic. Most real relationships blossom over time.

He could mean what he said or could just be trying to keep the date.

just be careful. I was very honest about wanting kids soon as I found the right guy. I walked blindly into an abusive marriage as I was a perfect target for him and he only had to too the nice guy act up until he got me pregnant. If I had my time again I would have just had kids on my own and kept dating separate.

It’s not a no

so grab a coffee

I tend to agree with this viewpoint but maybe am just cynical

Oh I totally forgot to update. In case anyone cares (!) I went on the date and it was quite good but the kids thing didnt come up. It did, however, come up in casual conversation that he hadn't gone to university when he had put on his profile that he had a degree. (I'd asked where he went to uni when we were talking about where we'd lived in our lives/moved to etc)

I didn't think to query it at the time but when I looked at his profile again after teh date I was a bit confused. It doesn't particularly bother me that he doesn't have a degree but it is a bit concerning that he lied on his profile? I can't see any reason why he'd have done that, except to maybe make himself more appealing to women? We'd also been discussing my career path and professional exams I took whilst working, so I'm pretty sure if he had a degree through some other route than uni (say, open university or something) he would have said.. so the only conclusion to me is that he lied about it completely which is a red flag.

I would have considered seeing him again but wasn't keen enough to actively pursue it so I messaged thanking him for the date and said I'd had a really nice time and he replied saying similar - perhaps a bit more enthusiastic - but he didnt suggest it either! So.. I guess that's that..! Oh and he has now (about 2 weeks later!) added to his profile he's "open to kids" 😂

Good call I think @bananasarent!

He's undecided on whether he wants kids.

He may never want kids.

Its up to you if you want to spend time dating him when this is his position.

Just read your update OP I don't like how he lied about the university thing. I think you have dodged a bullet in all honesty