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Original poster

OLD -what do you think he means here about kids..?

95 replies

bananasarent · 20/04/2025 00:03

I'm 38 and want kids (yes, I know lots will tell me to do it on my own etc but I don't want to..I want to try to meet someone and hope it happens together. Open to adoption etc if it doesn't happen naturally or if I run out of time etc).

Been messaging a guy for a few days and he seems good...cute, good chat, open messages, things in common, good career, attracted to him from photos. This is rare for me... I'm interested in about 1% of men on these apps! Now he's asked me out. But he hasn't said if he wants kids on his profile so I bit the bullet and decided to ask before agreeing to it (there's a long backstory where I've been let down by exes who changed their mind/weren't ready for kids so i wanted to ask before) If he said no to wanting kids, I wouldn't bother seeing him...he said...

"No that’s a fair question and thought I had it on there so apologies. My statement on that is “open to kids”. I guess I’m on here to find a long term relationship and If that eventually leads to a family then I’m open to that. But concentrating on finding a connection first. How do you feel about that, is that enough? I do appreciate it is a big thing."

I've said basically I'm not sure how I feel but it's enough to grab a coffee...but now I'm second guessing myself... the "eventually" worries me? Is that just him not wanting to say no as he thinks I won't want to see him..or is he being genuine that it kind of depends on meeting the right person etc. I guess it's often different for men as they can't control it as much as we can (and they have more time!)

Thoughts?

He's 43 btw but both in a big city with busy careers where it's more understandable that he's not had them yet (although he's right at the maximum of the age I would consider dating ha!)

OP posts:
DuckEgg24 · 20/04/2025 06:52

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2025 00:40

How do you know he’s not put off? Him still being in contact doesn’t mean he hasn’t just downgraded you in his mind.
Your’re 38 and still on the shelf. Don’t emphasise it by making yourself look desperate for kids etc. His answer is totally on the fence and tells you precisely nothing. It’s a pointless question to ask anyway because it’s not in a man’s interest to answer honestly. His behaviour towards you over a period of months is the only indicator of whether a man is going to give you what you want in life. Actions not words when it comes to men.

On the shelf … how very 1950s.

Mulledjuice · 20/04/2025 06:52

I don't agree that he is on exactly the same page as you. He's 43 and undecided.

His answer was textbook but please don't read it as him having the same urgency as you.

Have you had a fertility MOT? Frozen embryos?
By all means go on a date with this guy but agree don't put all your eggs in this basket

LillyPJ · 20/04/2025 06:56

@Pyjamatimenow Getting to 43 without having kids doesn't mean there's something 'majorly wrong' with you!

BCBird · 20/04/2025 06:58

I really don't think there is anything wrong with your question or his response. I would go for the coffee. Keep us posted if u do.

Kitchensnails · 20/04/2025 07:08

As you have acknowledged men don't have the same timeline to have children as women do, lots also don't have the same urge and will meet someone they want to have children with rather than want children so need to meet someone. it's unlikely there will be many men who will say to a woman they've never met that they desperately want children too.

hehehesorry · 20/04/2025 07:50

Probably just wants to have sex with you, men will lie to have sex with you and by asking you made it clear that not wanting kids is a deal breaker, so he's saying what you want to hear because men have such a low match rate on dating apps that if he said "nope, don't want kids" he'd miss a rare opportunity of actually having sex as a 43yo man on a dating app. If he wanted kids already he'd have them, and he doesn't really have 10 years to have kids unless he wants children with a high risk of disabilities as old sperm tends to create.

Holycowss · 20/04/2025 07:55

He doesn’t want kids, telling you what you want hear. Not having it on his profile means he can drop in both camps and increase his chances of dates. No one is on the fence about 1st children at that age

Pyjamatimenow · 20/04/2025 08:10

I meant in the context of being a viable option as a long term partner/ husband/ father. If he wanted to be those things he’d have attempted it by now. Not that there’s something ‘majorly wrong’ in the context of being a human. Although as pp has said, having babies with older sperm is not necessarily as risk free as we used to think.

MidoriNoRingo · 20/04/2025 08:31

Just thought I’d add my perspective for you op as I said something very similar when I met my husband. It just meant that I was happy to have kids, but I was also happy not to have kids. To me I felt that my life was fulfilled and having kids was a great addition but I was also content and whole without having them.

CloverPyramid · 20/04/2025 09:11

I think it’s a totally reasonable reply. It’s not a non-negotiable to him to have them, so it doesn’t affect who he chooses to date.

The difficult part is finding out what the circumstances would be for him thinking it’s a good time to have them. Is there a certain timeline, milestones he’d want to meet, things he’d want from your relationship before agreeing the time was right. But that’s not really something you can find out in advance, and certainly not this early on.

BlondeMummyto1 · 20/04/2025 09:13

My ex is 45.. Still single but tells me during catch ups that he wants to get married and have kids ‘one day’. They think they have all the time in the world.

SquashedMallow · 20/04/2025 11:12

StrawberryDream24 · 20/04/2025 00:53

I think you’ve made yourself sound needy

She sounded assertive, not needy.

It's not needy to clarify that there are no deal breakers (smoker, already has kids, not open to having kids etc) before dating someone. It's sensible.

But asking someone if they want kids with you (which effectively that is kind of the question) Is very different from smoking status.

It's heavy. It translates to "I want children. I'm 38? So I want them now ! If there's even a hint that I like you - I'll be tying you down with wedding bells and pregnancies and babies that ties you to me forever, almost immediately!"

Whether we like it or not- it will give off that message. Usually someone wants to go on a few dates, see if they click /there's chemistry before agreeing if you like each other there'll be a pregnancy a few months in.

I think you'd be better putting it on your profile to be honest in some way shape or form - that way you'll immediately (hopefully) detract anyone that really doesn't want children.

Original poster
bananasarent · 20/04/2025 12:18

SquashedMallow · 20/04/2025 11:12

But asking someone if they want kids with you (which effectively that is kind of the question) Is very different from smoking status.

It's heavy. It translates to "I want children. I'm 38? So I want them now ! If there's even a hint that I like you - I'll be tying you down with wedding bells and pregnancies and babies that ties you to me forever, almost immediately!"

Whether we like it or not- it will give off that message. Usually someone wants to go on a few dates, see if they click /there's chemistry before agreeing if you like each other there'll be a pregnancy a few months in.

I think you'd be better putting it on your profile to be honest in some way shape or form - that way you'll immediately (hopefully) detract anyone that really doesn't want children.

Show quote history

I'm amazed by people who would interpret "I want kids" to "I want kids with you, stranger, who I haven't even met yet". I'm not just going to have them with any randomer... of course I have to feel chemistry, attraction, connection on various levels and all the other things that anyone would need to enter into a relationship. I just dont want to waste my time possibly meeting someone and developing that with someone who then says "actually I don't want kids" Saying I want to have a family or be married doesn't mean "and I'm expecting it to be with you"

I do have on my profile "want someday" about kids as one of the options you could choose (the others being "open to kids" "not sure" or "don't want kids") I've only been considering guys who said "open to kids" or "want someday"... this one must have slipped through the net by not having selected an option...perhaps intentionally tbf as some people have said. I figured it was probably going to be easier to ask over text than in person so I'm glad I did.

I will go for the coffee and update. TBF when I've dated before I rarely want to see anyone after the 1st date as I'm quite picky. Obviously I appreciate I can't afford to be super picky at my age about things that don't matter but if there's not all the big things like chemistry, good conversation & aligned goals/things in common then I won't see them again

OP posts:
EarthSight · 20/04/2025 12:54

The both of you are in a difficult scenario, especially you. Your focus on having children fairly quickly in the next few years (and who could blame you), is the reason why I believe a lot of men our age avoid our age group in women. It's a situation puts both parties under a lot of unnatural pressure. This can lead to falling-outs as you try to navigate being clear with you intentions and communications, whilst also not scaring someone away and making him feel claustrophobic.

But concentrating on finding a connection first - this is an understandable statement.

However, I'd be more concerned about the 'open to'. He could have said 'want to' but I think there's probably a very good reason why he's said 'open to'.

Having children is just not as important to him as it is for you, and that's why he's ended up without kids at the age of 43. If you proceed with him, please take into consideration that there's a real risk that he'll back out later and he will justify his decision by saying he sad he was only 'open' to having children, but that didn't mean he definitely did want them.

It's not flattering or nice to think of oneself like this, but have a think for a moment as to why he chose you, knowing the age you are.

Do you think it's a total coincidence that a 43 year old childless man (who simply said he's 'open' to having children) chose a woman who is 38, and at the very tail end of her fertile years?

Also, call me cynical, but it's rather interesting isn't it, that there wasn't anything in his bio about having kids, until you asked, and it was only then he revealed this information?

Someone who's more serious about having kids would have put something like that on their bio. I think he left it out because he doesn't really want to have kids, but doesn't want to make that upfront in case he encounters someone he likes who's put off by this, and he wants to have the option to hoover her in with this 'open to statement'.

StrawberryDream24 · 20/04/2025 13:28

But asking someone if they want kids with you

You're not asking that. You're asking if they are open to having children with someone they have established a relationship with ...... Who may or may not be you. Time will tell.

StrawberryDream24 · 20/04/2025 13:30

Whether we like it or not- it will give off that message. Usually someone wants to go on a few dates, see if they click /there's chemistry before agreeing if you like each other there'll be a pregnancy a few months in.

Where on earth do you get the "pregnancy a few months in" from?

You have the weirdest take on situations.

titchy · 20/04/2025 13:41

i don’t think men have that biological imperative that women have - his message reflects that, that’s all. Most single men I suspect are pretty meh about children. It’s not till they’re in a relationship that children start being a tangible thing that they want as part of the relationship. Whereas for women, that biological clock ticks very very loudly.

would a 40 year old single man look to adopt to have a child - unlikely. Would a 40 year old woman have a child through whatever means - far more likely.

Sodthesystem · 20/04/2025 14:03

YRGAM · 20/04/2025 05:39

I just don't think it works like this for the vast majority of men, and you can't really expect a definitive statement or even position about actively wanting children in the same way you can from a woman who has biological pressures to make it happen quickly.

Bearing that in mind, he's been about as clear as he could be on his position, he doesn't need to tie himself into negotiations or an unwise promise to want children immediately with someone he's not even met yet.

Show quote history

But he does have biological pressures.
Past 40 the sperm quality drastically reduces. His chances of children having disabilities increases.

Now some men might be under the illusion that they can go on fathering kids indefinitely but, if they had ever looked into the subject even briefly (you know, because they wanted kids) they'd be less blasé about it. They'd know they had a clock just like women.

You absolutely should expect a definite statement. Especially from a 43 year old! If it's not a definite. Its a no.

Minnie798 · 20/04/2025 14:11

I think it's a perfectly reasonable to have asked him. When dating in your 20's, there's plenty of time to just see how things progress and then move on if you realise three years down the line that the guy never wants kids. There isn't that time to waste when you're 38.

Sodthesystem · 20/04/2025 14:13

Tbh I would have met him first. Most men don't make it past the first few dates and it's best not to show all your cards and vulnerabilites too early as they can just lie.

canthavethatonethen · 20/04/2025 14:25

Men putting that they want kids on their OLD profile might sometimes makes it appear as though they are chiefly looking for a broodmare for the fruit of their loins rather than a new partner.

His answer seems entirely reasonable to me, so I can't see any reason why you wouldn't date him a few times to see how you get on.

Menobaby79 · 20/04/2025 17:56

Minnie798 · 20/04/2025 14:11

I think it's a perfectly reasonable to have asked him. When dating in your 20's, there's plenty of time to just see how things progress and then move on if you realise three years down the line that the guy never wants kids. There isn't that time to waste when you're 38.

Exactly 💯 I was the same when I hit 35. I wasn't messing around anymore. Its important that you're on the same page about it. It doesn't mean you want to get pregnant next week or you're going to punch holes in the condoms! It just means that this is an intention that you have in the near future and you're screening out someone who isn't up for that.

Whynotaxthisyear · 20/04/2025 19:02

I think that if he forgot to mention kids in his profile he’s a long way off actively wanting them. Don’t waste precious time on this man.

Maddy70 · 20/04/2025 19:14

I would run for the hills if I were him. That's a perfect response you haven't even met yet! You sound way too intense . You made it sound like you are after a baby donor not a partner!
Freeze your eggs. Buy yourself some time find a lovely relationship first then see what happens

LePetitMaman · 20/04/2025 19:19

SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/04/2025 00:23

I agree that his honesty is a good thing. I disagree that the op sounds needy and hard to please.

Show quote history

Yeah you don't sound needy OP.

However, if someone wants children, (at quite a way past the age you would normally want to have your first child by) then they would say yes. Not a long winded waffle like he did.

Do you want to get married? Yes.

Do you want to get married? Maybe, if I meet the right person.

The first is a yes. The second is defaulting to "no, unless someone categorically changes my mind"

If you were 22 it wouldn't matter. If he's 43 he knows if he wants kids because whilst he might have the physical ability to impregnate at his age and older, if you genuinely want children, you don't faff about with maybes in your mind 40s.