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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At what point do you say enough?

99 replies

BarbiesWorld · 19/04/2025 17:54

Been with boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. Took until the 18 month mark to meet my kids who adore him and, after a lazy, half arsed ex husband, the new boyfriend seemed a breath of fresh air.

About 6 months ago he got majorly depressed out of nowhere. Fine, I’ve had mental health issues in the past, let’s get you to the Drs for a chat and see if medication is recommended. However, he’s been patchy at best when it comes to taking them and seems to have done a complete 180 to the man he was for that first year and a half.

He makes no effort day to day with me or our relationship and will regularly decide he doesn’t want to or can’t go to plans we have with family/friends.

A month ago, he made a comment about feeling like a spare part when we’re around my kids and I (probably a bit harshly in hindsight) responded that of course he will, they’re my kids and they come first.

It feels like I’m fighting an uphill battle and no matter what I say or do, his standard response is that he’s just “laid back” or that I must be perfect or that I care too much. As far as he’s concerned, the things I’m getting upset over aren’t a big deal and I can’t complain because he’s not out with the lads or cheating on me.

Is it time to call it a day? Don’t really know what to say or do and it feels like he’s pushing me to breaking point sometimes with the silent treatment and sulking and whining about not being good enough for me because he’s always skint.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 19/04/2025 17:55

Sorry, that was long. And also ridiculous to post really.

Don’t really have anyone in my life I can talk it through with who isn’t massively biased.

OP posts:
SheridansPortSalut · 19/04/2025 17:57

That all sounds like too much hard work. You're not suited to each other.

canthavethatonethen · 19/04/2025 17:59

You can't complain because he's not out with the lads or cheating on you? Well quite frankly, that's the bare minimum you'd expect from any relationship so he's not the prize he thinks he is.

It looks to me as though things are coming to an end, sorry.

Speakingofdinosaurs · 19/04/2025 18:02

2 1/2 years is still surely the ‘honeymoon’ period where you’re totally in love and willing to put yourselves out for each other! This sounds way too hard.
What are the positives that he brings to the relationship - how does he enhance your life?
From what you’ve posted I’d say it’s time to reassess your relationship completely.

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 19/04/2025 18:03

No, I think you’re both right. It hurts because when I’ve expressed the whole, not cheating as a bare minimum thing before, he genuinely can’t understand what I’m saying.

The only other relationship I’ve been in is with my ex husband and I tried so hard to do this one “right”. Didn’t date at all for 3 years, waited until I was completely sure before introducing him to the kids etc. and it feels like I’ve completely fucked it up.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 19/04/2025 18:05

Just because he's not cheating on you doesn't make the crap stuff he does and says okay. End it now.

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 19/04/2025 18:05

Speakingofdinosaurs · 19/04/2025 18:02

2 1/2 years is still surely the ‘honeymoon’ period where you’re totally in love and willing to put yourselves out for each other! This sounds way too hard.
What are the positives that he brings to the relationship - how does he enhance your life?
From what you’ve posted I’d say it’s time to reassess your relationship completely.

Honestly? The kids adore him and he’s a decent shag. There were so many more and each one has slowly dropped off to the point where I look at him and wonder what am I doing…

OP posts:
GardenGaff · 19/04/2025 18:12

Please say he doesn't live with you.

The relationship just isn't working for you any more. If you (hopefully) haven't moved him in, this should be relatively easy and fuss free to end.

Lmnop22 · 19/04/2025 18:14

I think you’re fixed in the mindset (totally understandably) that the end has to be because of some big betrayal or drama or reason that will sound justifiable to other people.

But it doesn’t. You are entitled to leave an relationship and should leave a relationship if it isn’t working for you. Full stop.

If you do not wish to be in the relationship anymore because it isn’t bringing you what you want out of a partner - then leave.

Nobody else has to “get it”

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 19/04/2025 18:15

@GardenGaffofficially no, but he is here more often than not. I always said I wouldn’t put myself in a position where I wasn’t 100% in control of my own home/money again thankfully.

OP posts:
Turkishcoffee · 19/04/2025 18:15

It's not your fault so don't beat yourself up. It is hard to find the right person and it sounds like because you supported him during his rough patch he's become really complacent. He's tried to set the bar very low too so it doesn't sound like he is too willing to change.

It might be worth having an honest conversation with him about the things you liked about him and how you can both get your relationship back on track. You can say how you are feeling right now and how you're willing to give things another chance. If he does genuinely take your feelings on board then great, but if not, then at least you know you gave the relationship everything and it just wasn't meant to be.

FatLarrysBanned · 19/04/2025 18:16

If you don't live together why do the kids need to be involved at all?

Can you just see each other when the kids are with their dad? If he's still being an arsehole and nitpicking when you've taken them out the equation you know it's him that's the issue. There's no obligation for mums and dads with kids to have relationships with the children of their current love interest. DP and I are 5 years in and whilst 15yo DD says a pleasant "hi/bye" to him if he is picking me up/dropping me off there is literally no reason for fun days out/mixing with his family/friends.

2½ years is very early for all this nonsense.

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 19/04/2025 18:19

You’re completely right @FatLarrysBannedand in hindsight I wish I hadn’t ended up in this position. The kids see their dad 4 nights a month and it kind of crept up on me that he was here so much and at the time, things with us were great.

It’s definitely the exact same when the kids are at the dad’s house though. No effort made for or with me anymore. I still want us to do things and go places together but he doesn’t want to do or plan a single thing other than “chill”.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 19/04/2025 18:22

@Turkishcoffeethank you. It very much feels like my fault. That I should be making more of an effort even if he still can’t reciprocate yet. Or that I’m too needy or expect too much. When I’ve tried to have these conversations with him he completely shuts off and will accuse me of thinking I’m perfect and that it’s not his fault he doesn’t care about things the way I do. He then ends it by either disappearing for an undisclosed amount of time, or announcing that it doesn’t matter because he loves me.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/04/2025 18:22

Sounds like he's been on his best behaviour at the start and couldn't keep it up OP.

Take the kids out of it and phase him out or make your mind up that the next time he does the silent treatment (which is listed as domestic violence btw) tell him you're done and not to contact you again.

GardenGaff · 19/04/2025 18:22

he doesn’t want to do or plan a single thing other than “chill”.

I'll bet he does, at your house.

Do you ever stay at his?
Is he contributing towards staying with you "more often than not"?
Buying food or takeaways?
Paying for meals out?
Cleaning up, doing dishes, wiping around the bathroom?

Sodthesystem · 19/04/2025 18:29

Tbh he just sounds like he's an prat and has been hiding it until he's got his feet under the table.

And just saw the Update of accusing you of thinking you are perfect. Awe hell no. In the bin with him. He's a contemptuous toad.
He doesn't even like you. He'll drag you down.

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 19/04/2025 18:30

GardenGaff · 19/04/2025 18:22

he doesn’t want to do or plan a single thing other than “chill”.

I'll bet he does, at your house.

Do you ever stay at his?
Is he contributing towards staying with you "more often than not"?
Buying food or takeaways?
Paying for meals out?
Cleaning up, doing dishes, wiping around the bathroom?

Oh god. When you finally write it down or talk it out it makes you realise you’re a big of a mug/too soft doesn’t it..

He’ll tidy around and do the dishes? Sometimes I get some money to go halves on specific food shops where I’ve got something special in for us to eat. And don’t even ask the last time he paid for us to have a takeaway/eat out/go on a day out (even just half). I’ve stopped doing anything that might cost money with him because I couldn’t deal with it only being me that put my hand in my pocket.

OP posts:
mumda · 19/04/2025 18:32

Sounds like it's the end.
Ah well.
Better luck next time.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 19/04/2025 18:34

I think you’ve answered your own question @BarbiesWorld

Sorry it’s not working out for you.

MostlyHappyMummy · 19/04/2025 18:34

So even without the depression he's a cocklodger?

Mrsgreen100 · 19/04/2025 18:36

I had an ex that started out like that all sweetness and light turned out a complete narcissist totally used me basically a cock lodger for years. I get rid now if I were you.

Allthesnowallthetime · 19/04/2025 18:39

He sounds like a grumpy teenager.

Hatty65 · 19/04/2025 18:40

I'd be saying, 'Sorry Jack, it's just not working for me any longer. All the best for the future' and ending it. No need for hand wringing or long explanations,

He's bringing very little to your life. Don't waste any more of it. This relationship has tailed off and come to a natural end.

ItsDrActually · 19/04/2025 19:16

That's a sad thread to read, @BarbiesWorld
It sounds as though all was fine when you were dating and you'd not introduced him to the children. Now that you've moved into the 'real life' part, he's not found it all sweetness and light, and he's finding life hard. I think your relationship has run its course and pretty much fizzled out. Time to draw a line under things and move on.
Oh, and trying to do everything 'properly' is responsible and being a sensible person, but I would be finding out sooner if a new partner is a good fit for all of your family, especially being a parent-figure to your children.