At what point do you say enough?

[BarbiesWorld]

Been with boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. Took until the 18 month mark to meet my kids who adore him and, after a lazy, half arsed ex husband, the new boyfriend seemed a breath of fresh air.

About 6 months ago he got majorly depressed out of nowhere. Fine, I’ve had mental health issues in the past, let’s get you to the Drs for a chat and see if medication is recommended. However, he’s been patchy at best when it comes to taking them and seems to have done a complete 180 to the man he was for that first year and a half.

He makes no effort day to day with me or our relationship and will regularly decide he doesn’t want to or can’t go to plans we have with family/friends.

A month ago, he made a comment about feeling like a spare part when we’re around my kids and I (probably a bit harshly in hindsight) responded that of course he will, they’re my kids and they come first.

It feels like I’m fighting an uphill battle and no matter what I say or do, his standard response is that he’s just “laid back” or that I must be perfect or that I care too much. As far as he’s concerned, the things I’m getting upset over aren’t a big deal and I can’t complain because he’s not out with the lads or cheating on me.

Is it time to call it a day? Don’t really know what to say or do and it feels like he’s pushing me to breaking point sometimes with the silent treatment and sulking and whining about not being good enough for me because he’s always skint.

Ah the hovering cocklodger. Hasn’t quite moved in but is always there.
So he’s only been around your kids for a year. Thats not very long.
When he goes, and he needs to go, they will be fine.
It is not a failure. He’s just not worked out. He’s put on a good show for a bit and is now lazy, and also mean to you.
And I assume the massively biased people aren’t so at all? I think they’ve seen his behaviours and have the measure of him.
You deserve so much more and if you don’t act he will get worse.

Hasn’t quite moved in but always there is exactly it. Such a weird limbo where he’s kind of a guest still, but also not, because he’s here so often. I don’t want or expect him to be a parent to my children, they’re mine after all, but to be this weird half arsed figure who was great fun and enjoyable to be around and is now moody and withdrawn isn’t something I want them to see. Especially DD because I really don’t want her thinking relationships should look like this.

it’s the knowing what he was like and wondering where I went so wrong and how can I get it back that’s killing me.

Agree with @PeggyMitchellsCameo - realising that a relationship is going nowhere is not a failure. If you call it that, you put unnecessary pressure on yourself. If anything, staying in a relationship that offers so little would be the failure - a failure to look after yourself. You’ve given this 2.5 years. You’ve realised he has very little to offer for the long term. You want more for yourself. You’re ready to move on. Sounds very sensible to me.

He’s also got a face on because he’s “not feeling well” and I asked him if he’d got me an Easter egg earlier or if I needed to pick myself one up. Obviously it’s just an Easter egg, so no big deal, but he knows how important Easter is to me and my family and apparently I’m not even worth a 3 quid egg from Morrisons.

Ok, tell him if he's not feeling well he needs to go home now as you and your kids don't want to catch whatever he's got.

You haven't gone wrong. You trusted someone and he's shit on your trust. Get him out.

Can you go to the shop now and get yourself an Egg? I've gone a bit mad for the kids this year, plus ds girlfriend who I'm meeting for the first time and then bought myself a couple of small eggs too!

Definitely this then don't let him back in

He'll say you've chucked him over no chocolate but we all know it's not that.

Don’t worry @2025willbemytimeI preempted him being useless and got myself a Lindt bunny just in case when I did the food shop earlier.

I’ve also already let the extended family know he will not be coming with us to church or for our get together tomorrow. Not even made an excuse, just informed them it’s 3 not 4 coming now.

Such a people pleaser that it feels awful not being able to keep the man I poured so much into and genuinely thought was a good thing happy.

Oh love, don't feel like that. You could keep him. You're just using your brain and deciding, believing, knowing you can do better. All women should think about the men they share their bed with and decide if he'd be good enough for their daughter if she was an adult and he was a representation. If not good enough for your dd then he shouldn't be good enough for you.

You are worth more OP. Time to swerve this one x

@2025willbemytimethat’s heartbreaking. If it was my daughter in 20 years feeling like this I’d be devastated for her and trying so hard to help her see she’s worth the world.

It’s entirely different when it’s me. But at the same time, I can’t have her looking at this and thinking it’s something to aim for.

It isn't different. You're just as important and valuable as your daughter. If it makes it easier tell yourself you're getting rid of him for her as one day I truly hope you'll believe that you got rid of him for you as well. You are worth more. Do it now. Take control now.

it’s the knowing what he was like and wondering where I went so wrong and how can I get it back that’s killing me.

shit, do you have problems.

You didnt go wrong
He wasn’t like that - it was really a long running advert, this is the actual feature
And no, you can’t get the advert to run again

Please please get some help with your self worth - it’s not on you, it’s him that’s the issue. You were as careful as you could be, it’s not your fault, but now is the time to draw a line and say ‘actually that was good for a while, but it’s not right, so that’s it’. No self flagellation required,

You’re right @BittenonceI really do have problems.

Appreciate the bluntness and the new way of looking at it, thank you.

No idea how to work on my self esteem though. Rationally I know I’m a good person who has a lot to offer and deserves respect but when it comes to it, always have and always will be a people pleaser. Dragged myself to a family event 6 days after having a stroke because I couldn’t let anyone down.

It's sad because he's not the person you thought he was, but I've heard (on here) it takes 18 months plus to really know someone.

This is who he really is, you've got to know him well and this is not a good relationship. It doesn't sound like it's working for you anymore, or your kids.

Just get rid

@BarbiesWorld I’m sorry, don’t mean to be harsh. My mother always said I’d never have a future in the Diplomatic Corps…..
Some of us are naturally givers, pleasers, offerers. Can’t change our nature any more than those who are just happy to take. But it means we need to be extra careful about who we give to; financially, emotionally, whatever. And know when to draw a line, stop and walk away, not to fall into ‘sunk cost syndrome’. Please don’t beat yourself up for doing the right thing, for trying. Just put yourself (and your kids) first.

With all due respect, you need to tell this man to get de fuck out of your house.

Is he still struggling with his mental health? If he's on mediation?

All the hallmarks of potential cock lodger.
Best behaviour to start then slow burn to the real him.

That's how abusive people (which he is btw, because he devalues you via contempt and makes out that asking for the bare minimum is too much) trap you, by making you chase the initial high of who they were in the beginning. Which was all bullshit to con you.

This is who he really is. Not saying he can't also have depression of course, but it's abusive shithead 101 to start claiming mental health issues - so you can't call them out of their crap without it being implied that you are mean and insensitive. When ironically it's them that are those things because they genuinely suck the life and joy out of everything and tell you you are ungrateful for questioning what the fuck is happening.

Spot the trap he's laying for you.

Ruuuuun!

It's over as soon as you feel it's over. He doesn't sound much cop to me. Selfish, lazy and unmotivated.

Ignoring everything else you've written:

let’s get you to the Drs for a chat and see if medication is recommended. However, he’s been patchy at best when it comes to taking them

If someone won't take medication when it's been given (or refuse to go to doctors) is someone who will expect you to change yourself endlessly to meet their needs and wants, rather than them being the ones to change.

It's a form of abuse. You will never be able to "win".

You’ve hit the nail on the head somehow with this one… every single time I try and call him out or actually stand up for myself he pulls the depressed, trying so hard, I can’t possibly know what it’s like card on me. He’ll tell me that he’s trying but obviously whatever he does is never enough. Feels like a massive pity party that I’m shitting on inevitably I’m the bad guy who’s being an arse to the depressed man.