At what point do you say enough?

[BarbiesWorld]

Been with boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. Took until the 18 month mark to meet my kids who adore him and, after a lazy, half arsed ex husband, the new boyfriend seemed a breath of fresh air.

About 6 months ago he got majorly depressed out of nowhere. Fine, I’ve had mental health issues in the past, let’s get you to the Drs for a chat and see if medication is recommended. However, he’s been patchy at best when it comes to taking them and seems to have done a complete 180 to the man he was for that first year and a half.

He makes no effort day to day with me or our relationship and will regularly decide he doesn’t want to or can’t go to plans we have with family/friends.

A month ago, he made a comment about feeling like a spare part when we’re around my kids and I (probably a bit harshly in hindsight) responded that of course he will, they’re my kids and they come first.

It feels like I’m fighting an uphill battle and no matter what I say or do, his standard response is that he’s just “laid back” or that I must be perfect or that I care too much. As far as he’s concerned, the things I’m getting upset over aren’t a big deal and I can’t complain because he’s not out with the lads or cheating on me.

Is it time to call it a day? Don’t really know what to say or do and it feels like he’s pushing me to breaking point sometimes with the silent treatment and sulking and whining about not being good enough for me because he’s always skint.

He is at the moment. There was a song and a dance last week that he’d picked up his repeat prescription which is how I know.

Then from a slightly different perspective to the other comments, to me it seems like his current behaviour aligns perfectly with someone who is depressed.

If he was a good man and partner for 2 years and changed 6 months ago, but also got diagnosed with depression, it doesn't scream to me that he's a cocklodger or lazy.

Was there something that triggered the start of the depression? Did something change in your relationship or his life?

Also, in the kindest way possible, you sound like you're struggling to feel any empathy for him. In which case it might actually be better to end the relationship anyway.

Close your eyes and imagine him gone.

Do you feel relieved?

I think my issue @Mumzpottyis that it’s hard to feel a huge amount of empathy for someone that hasn’t been helping themselves. The only reason he went to the GP is because I made him and even then it was because he was possible to be around and it was heartbreaking.

He seems to wallow in his depression and use it as a reason to not engage with me and our relationship at all. From experience (diagnosed anxiety, depression and bipolar over here)and observation he’s doing nothing to help himself despite having a network that’s supportive as possible.

It’s also a case of, how long do I carry on being like this? We’re a year on since he started changing, 6 months since he’s gone completely downhill. Do I keep going another 6 months, year, 2 years? Do I have to buy my own Christmas presents every year or just another one or two until he pulls his head out of his arse? Does that make sense?

It absolutely makes sense. You happiness is important too, you reference gift buying and effort a few times in your posts which is obviously important to you and is disappointing if he's not fulfilling that part of your "love language" along with not feeling like he's making day to day effort.

Depression presents differently in each person that suffers, it's great that you were able to be so driven and strong during your diagnosis but not every one is able to guide themselves out of it with the same strength.

It's hard to know what to do for the best, mental health is a fragile subject and no one knows for sure what's happening in his head or when it might end. I just think being 100% present as a partner, and meeting your partners needs whilst suffering with mental ill health would be difficult.

Depression in another is really difficult to live with, really difficult. Tbh I don't think I'd do it for anyone other than my kids.

People can be depressed and not become abusive towards their partner.

He does not live with you, and he is unpleasant towards you. Whether his unpleasantness is caused by depression or whether he's just an obnoxious, miserable bastard is irrelevant. His mental health is not your responsibility.

You are not happy in the relationship, therefore you have every right to end it.

Exactly I've depression and anxiety diagnosed by Dr 5 years ago and at times I can take a real dip and withdraw a bit within myself.
I always reassure my Dw that it's a me issue and let her know when I get like that it's nothing she's done and I still cook for her etc and help her.

No you don't do those things. You shouldn't give him another six hours never mind six months.

If this is what he was like it would be a completely different ball game.

The cynic in me feels like he’s a 38 year old man and it’s incredibly selfish and self indulgent to act the way he is. Since his diagnosis and medication I’ve had 2 TIAs and had my lithium dose upped. Not once, including when hospitalised on the fecking stroke ward, did I stop putting his feelings and thoughts first while he just took himself to bed because of how he’s feeling. Life can’t stop for one person no matter how hard I try.

@2025willbemytimeI’m going to try so hard to channel you and imagine your voice in my head when I talk to him next. Thank you

He's not your problem to fix. Focus on your kids and rid yourself of the dead wood. I have zero tolerance of anyone who won't even make a minimal effort to help themselves.

Let me tell you something, @BarbiesWorld . My husband had an affair and I stayed as I didn't think I'd cope without him. I have no family, no money as stayed at home with the kids and he didn't want me to work. I got less capable and more dependant the longer we were together. Then something happened and I divorced him, I'm absolutely smashing it. Looking after the kids - albeit over the phone as they are at uni - keeping house, animal care, sold this house, bought one 100s of miles away but more importantly I Am Back.

He is anxious, not sleeping, living with mummy. Has a new GF who I assume must be desperate as he's not a nice person, shit in bed and seems to have forgotten he has kids.

If I can do it So Can You. Decide to get rid, get over what you thought was him, be the free person who has all the super powers and live your life free of twats.

You can't bring the old/nice person back he is who he is showing you now and it is NOTHING to do with anything you have done. This situation is the reality not what you thought it was going to be. It's very common once the feet are under the table and it's comfortable to cocklodge with few complaints for the reality to become untenable and rose tinted glasses to fall off. No shame in ending it he's not the one. Believe me it shouldn't be this difficult and will only get worse it's not a failure just a life lesson. Hugs.

A relationship shouldn't be this much hard work, at this stage. From your post, this man is bringing nothing positive to the table, and is infact sucking the life out of you. He creates drama having to take medication for his mental health, and is doing zero to help himself. He's wallowing in a self-pity party, and is dragging you down with him. You can't help someone who is making no effort to help themselves. None of this is your fault. Honestly, I'd end the relationship, nothing has changed and neither is it likely too.

Oh OP... he's got you wrapped around his little finger. Open your eyes and see him for what he is right now. This is who he is. The beginning part, the man you fell in love with, does not exist. He was pretending and showing his good side to reel you in and until you became invested. But most people can only pretend for a couple of years and then the real person shows.

Do you like who he is? Does he support and uplift you? Is he a true partner financially, mentally, emotionally and physically (chores etc)? Are you happier when he is around?

@BarbiesWorld I agree with so many of the PPs. This is who he is. He has shown you exactly who he is, believe him the first time!

Unfortunately sometimes depression is weaponised by abusive men as a way to avoid accountability. I do not think for a second that you lack empathy. If anything it is the precise opposite.

If you have a lot of empathy, you need limits or you will be hurt over and over again.

You sound like such a lovely person OP, a great mum and a really kind person and sounds like your life has not been easy at all. You deserve so much better than this man.

So many people think self love is candles, bubble baths etc - one of the most important ways you can love yourself is to decide you deserve more. That no one is going to treat you like that ever again. Boundaries. Break up with him for no one else than you- because YOU deserve better.

Let this be a start of a new chapter. Sending you so much love! You can do this!

Tbh, him being a knob asside, depression would probably be a deal breaker for me relationship wise. It's incredibly catchy and, once they've had it, ever if they overcome it, it can come back. You don't owe anyone a relationship. He's not even your husband. Prioritise your own mental health. You have to be healthy for your kids.

I wouldn’t waste another day on this relationship. If it’s this much hard work after 2yrs, imagine how things will be 10-20yrs down the line?

OP, if you are undecided to end it for good or
not how about you put you and your children first as a first step - just decide there will be no more coming over to ‘chill’. Either he is well enough to go out and do something with you (alone or with kids), or he is not. In which case he should stay away until he is. It might give him the shake up he needs to become the partner you knew or, more likely, your relationship fades to a slow death naturally based on his lack of effort..

Ditch him as he’s not treating you nice.

He’s probably revealed who he really is now that the kids are involved. Before that you were in your own bubble.

I know I love to see if posters have taken advice on board in other threads so thought I’d let you all know that I took every single piece of advice on board.

After attempting to have a conversation and him avoiding it like the plague, we went for a hike (mainly so he couldn’t ignore me) and talked. It’s over and even though I’m upset and disappointed, the way in which he spoke to me alongside all the previous issues has cemented it was the right thing to do.

He sees me as controlling, condescending and generally a bit of a bitch and to me it felt like he was trying to gaslight me into never speaking up because he’s “not like other guys” 🙄

Thank you all