Do you remember your parents arguing as children?

[heartbroken22]

There are one or two that stand out that made me think please stop or why do they always argue. One at home and one at the doctors. It was awful.

also did you ever view one parent better than the other? Maybe at different times. It’s amazing kids we see whose struggling and who needs help etc

All the time. Still at it.

That reads as if your parents were arguing when they were children

@BaublesAndGlitter , totally relate to this. My mother used to claim the victim position and that my dad was some kind of domestic abuser but in hindsight it was my mother driving It. She blatantly cheated on him over and over again, then went crying to her bossy, bullying older sister for sympathy. I can remember my aunt going for my dad after some row or other. In reality he tried really hard to keep my mother (no idea why, she was a totally selfish piece of work and had absolutely no respect for him, or us). My dad wasn't perfect either, far from it, but to this day her family think he was the bad one.

For half my childhood no, but there must of been lots of arguments behind the scenes as I know DF had affair. When I was 8 there was an almighty row in front of me as DM found a receipt for an expensive meal which indicated affair number 2. It was explosive, screaming, sobbing and a relative collecting me and DM to drive us away. We never went back and divorce followed. I always blamed him and didn’t blame DM from responding in the moment. Work has taken me back to that area recently and I got cold chills on a bridge that I remember us driving over after that fight.

Later lots of arguments in a different marriage, indifferent to who was listening. I judged them both. No awareness or concern for anyone but themselves.

Yes all the time and I used to wake up to it most mornings and be scared to go downstairs I feel it's made me afraid of confrontation. My dad was always very angry and banging around the house (although not violent to us) and I've recently realised that a man at work really triggers me because he does the same thing, banging his keyboard angrily, stamping around and banging doors. They are both emotional toddlers, and I'm trying to understand that is not to do with me, but it's difficult to deal with. Parents should try and keep it from their children but it's not always easy I suppose.

Yes, loads.

I remember mum throwing a teapot across the kitchen, I remember dad slamming on the brakes in the car and grabbing mum by the throat, I remember him dragging her down the stairs, days of silent treatments, ruined Christmases, always an argument the day before we were going on holiday, loads of arguments on a Saturday night when they’d been out drinking. My sister and I have been told on at least 3 occasions that I can remember that they’re getting divorced, they never did.

I do remember as a teen thinking mum was a bit a crank, “there she goes kicking off again” but now I’m dealing with dad’s stonewalling myself (and even long before now) I can totally understand why she got to the point of exploding.

DH and I rarely argue, if we do there are no raised voices and we try and resolve it there and then. I actually can’t remember the last time DH and I argued.

Every single day. In fact, it’s genuinely the only memories I have from my childhood that involve my parents. Screaming and swearing, things being thrown off walls (hi-fi system/TVs etc) and hole being kicked in doors.
And then they’d remind me how they were only staying together for me to give me a “good childhood” 🙄 and that the arguments were because of me.

I never dared take a friend home after school because I had no idea what I was walking into each day. I remember being so embarrassed as I got older as we lived in a terraced property and could hear every noise from the neighbours so I knew they could hear all the arguments. It was a horrendously toxic environment.

My parents eventually split but not until I was mid-30s.

Both my parents were difficult people in different ways and badly matched as well. My mum had poor mental health, anxiety and a terrible temper, she used to have screaming meltdowns. My dad was harsh, stubborn and used to go out of his way to wind her up. Over the years there were periods of near constant rows and quieter periods.

They've been married over 40 years now and I have a reasonable relationship with them both individually but no question it was damaging. As a young adult I had very poor relationship skills and kept everyone at arms length. I swore I'd never marry (and never have) and I moved 4 hours away to university at 18, never to return.

Only the once, but it was awful. My dad moved out (we saw him every Sunday though), but within a few months they had made up and never had a cross word (in my earshot anyway), again. As much as I loved mum, I felt especially close to my dad. They both died in 2020 and, hand on heart, I miss him more than her.

My parents argued a lot. I clearly remember sitting on the stairs listening and crying. My mum would often storm out. I hated it . I used to spend a lot of my time outside or at friends houses to avoid it. DH and I don’t really argue, not full on shouting. I wouldn’t want them
to go
through the same as I did. Still
makws me anxious now if anyone is arguing.

Same.

There were a lot of arguments about money. Mum was a SAHM and dad gave her ‘house keeping’. Everything for me had to come out of child benefit.

As I kid I always thought ‘well it is dad’s money….’

They rarely argued, so I vividly remember the few times they did. More than that, though, I remember my mum regularly trying to hide the fact she was crying from me and my sister (probably when she had found out about another affair). I remember my dad's general distain for her, him being 'the man of the house' and expecting everyone to wait on him, him doing absolutely nothing around the house because he had a 'big important job', unlike mum's less important (though still full time!) job.

I remember - sitting on the stairs listening . It was always about money. The thing is - my mother has no recollection of arguing with dad

Yes, aware from about age 6. My mother was volatile and dad enabled. Affected me then, and probably still does at some level.

My dad was from a family of conflict and divorced parents; he said that it took thirty years of being married to my mum to help him react to things more calmly. And my mum was very capable of holding her own in arguments, including with her own parents. When I was an adult, she told me about some very serious disagreements she had had with them.

“CeliaCanth · Today 09:08

Not arguments as such but occasional, fairly ordinary disagreements. However, my mum would regularly stop talking to my father, or all of us, as a result of some perceived slight. Often we didn’t even know what caused it and the silences could go on for weeks until she slowly thawed.
I don’t know whether that is worse than having to listen to all-out shouting but it did affect my friendships for a long time as I assumed that was the best way to deal with conflict.”

@CeliaCanth (love your name, btw) - I’m probably biased but I think what you’re describing is much worse than the occasional, possibly a bit shouty argument which is over when it’s finished (which is what happened in my childhood). Obviously there’s a healthy middle ground somewhere between a violent argument and not speaking to someone for weeks but total ongoing withdrawal of interaction is very cruel. It also places all the fault and blame on the other person. I’m guessing your mum thought this was the best way to express disapproval but I think it’s really toxic. And it clearly resolved nothing because you didn’t know what you’d done wrong.

My mother was a spiteful nasty piece of work, but my dad was passive aggressive and completely shut down. I always fantasised about them getting divorced. Mum was emotionally and physically abusive but always made sure we had clean clothes and our school things, whereas dad was calm but did zero parenting. So it would have been a choice between emotional abuse or neglect and we would have all picked neglect and grown up eating baked beans and not showering.

My parents always argued about money, especially during the late 2000s (GFC). They loved each other dearly but financial strain took a toll on their marriage.

We had a lot of financial instability as Dad was self employed in a seasonal industry, and dad refused to get a permanent job. Plus he was frivolous with money, not gambling or booze but he would take me on expensive shopping days or make impulse purchases (even a car once!) on my mother's wage.

@Honon I moved 4 hours away to university at 18, never to return.

ditto

Yes, quite vividly. They divorced when I was probably 8/9 and I remember nothing but relief when my mum told me that we were moving out. My dad was definitely an arse and there was no hiding that. It was very clear who had my best interests at heart. I am NC with my mum now for other reasons, but when I was a child, she did a generally good job under difficult circumstances.

Yes. My parents had a horrible marriage. Rows, silent treatment, my mum used to slag off my dad to me throughout my childhood. My dad was lovely, btw. I was always terrified my mum would leave, as she used to threaten it often.

Completely toxic relationship. Ironically, they were completely devoted to each other and my dad was utterly heartbroken when my mum died.

It was a horrible atmosphere to grow up in and a miracle that it didn’t set the standard for my marriage and that of my siblings. But we are all 4 of us in long, extremely happy marriages. And in mine, there’s rarely a disagreement. If there is, there’s a healthy resolution with no sulking. Our children don’t realise how lovely it is to grow up in a happy household, secure in the knowledge your parents love and respect each other.

My parents would argue daily and still do. I remember holidays where some days would be spent in a hotel room with them bickering. Dad was always more ‘placid’ but would get to a point and snap, though this was rarer. Mum was probably the instigator of most arguments, a lot revolving around Dad’s family. I often wondered why they just didn’t separate and still do. They both bad mouth each other to me and my sibling and sometimes get pulled in. Now I’m older though if they start arguing in my home, often to get a reaction or for attention, I will ask them to leave. This ultimately results in me being ‘told off’. I’m fed up of it truth be told and regret the amount of arguments I’ve allowed my children to be witness to. We don’t have these arguments in our house, it’s calm and I’ll always encourage my children to never stay in a relationship where this is the norm.

My parents argued bitterly over what was felt to be emerging, insurmountable ideological differences, and it led to a really messy break-up, as on some level, they still loved each other very much but one could not respect the other's perceived betrayal of core values in the pursuit of economic success.

It completely traumatised me and cast a dark shadow over my childhood.

I'm desperate for my own relationship differences not to impact my own DC.

@Lascivious
Our children don’t realise how lovely it is to grow up in a happy household, secure in the knowledge your parents love and respect each other.

One of those Catholic pre marriage counsellors once told me that the best gift you can give your child is a happy marriage. I thought it was a bit dramatic at the time but it’s so true. Kids need time to be kids and worry about themselves, not about their parents

Mine argued a lot, very loudly and it always ended with my mum in tears and then my dad not speaking to her for weeks. It was horrible.

It has influenced my life.