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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is DH making me feel uncomfortable in front of DS

98 replies

Healthynow · 16/04/2025 21:51

DH seems to make jokes about me to DS, 17. They are very minor but make me feel uncomfortable.
the last one was regarding what I’d bought for DS - who was having a mini party. Id bought toffee crisp amongst other junk, which DH said ‘mums bought rubbish chocolate’ or something similar, he then looks at DS as if to get him on side.
I was left feeling really uncomfortable as he did it a few times. I also wonder if DD felt uncomfortable/confused.
when I mentioned it to DH he just yelled at me.
Tonight he did it again, made some sort of snide comment about me dolloping ketchup on my plate and not eating it all. I thought it rude, and
I hadn’t finished eating. He then did that awful look at DS again. A sort of isn’t mum stupid, were boys together look. I try to laugh it off but I’m deeply uncomfortable at how to react. Do I say,‘don’t be rude’ in front if DS?
DH knows that last time he commented my leaving ketchup on my plate (such waste) we had a massive row. I mean, really?
so I got him on his own and said, please don’t do that again. He suprised me by immediately getting cross and telling me I annoy him. No ‘oh I didn’t mean it ‘ He’s now not talking to me - mind you I left the room, as he immediately put football on.
whats going on here? And how do I handle it?

OP posts:
Unsureabouteverything · 16/04/2025 22:10

I'm sorry, OP. I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to say that you deserve better. You deserve kindness from your DH and never ridicule.

Lookuptotheskies · 16/04/2025 22:12

He's a dick.

Original poster
Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:14

thanks unsure and lookup you’ve made me laugh, I tend to agree with you.
How do I deal with it though?

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 16/04/2025 22:14

Lookuptotheskies · 16/04/2025 22:12

He's a dick.

This was my response when I’d only read the thread title. Your post OP confirms the diagnosis.

AppleKatie · 16/04/2025 22:15

Depends really, can you live with it?

how does DS react? At 17 he must have an opinion?

is it a deal breaker for you? How is the relationship otherwise?

TomatoSandwiches · 16/04/2025 22:16

Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:14

thanks unsure and lookup you’ve made me laugh, I tend to agree with you.
How do I deal with it though?

You leave the fucker! He has nothing but contempt for you and is trying to undermine and ostracise you from your own child.

EG94 · 16/04/2025 22:17

Yes you absolutely should calmly call him out in front of DS and DD. Teach DS this kinda shit doesn’t fly and teach DD not to accept it.

what a knob head!

im all for a laugh and a joke but its not funny when the subject of it isn’t laughing

TheDevilWearPrimarni · 16/04/2025 22:17

Your DH sounds insufferable.
i have to say I love a Toffee Crisp and I haven’t had one for years. Maybe I will buy some.

Original poster
Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:17

Thanks applekatie DH getting therapy as his mum and sister are narcissistic ( according to therapist) so relationship improved a lot.

OP posts:
Mamadothehump · 16/04/2025 22:25

DH aside (he’s a dick by the way), please stand up for yourself and don’t let your DS think that this is an acceptable way to treat women.

Original poster
Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:26

Thanks tomato I’m not sure I can leave him tbh, though I’ve been very tempted in the past.
I’m not at all sure why he’d want to undermine me, he has said he isn’t sure what to say to DS. And that DS loves his mum.
eg94 I’m being a wimp, but how do I call him out in front of DS? I’ve done it with a smile, but Im deeply uncomfortable, and that will be coming across.
do I just say, calmly and firmly, ‘that’s rude, unacceptable and I’m not putting up with it?’ Or do I twat the twat on the head with a plate?
thedevilI know! Toffee crisp, right! And there’s me defending my right to like toffee crisp. And a hot coffee, yum.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 16/04/2025 22:26

Say “ahh, dad’s being a dick again” and laugh when he sulks.

If he says you annoy him, ask him to give an example and tell him, that’s fine, I’ll stop.

Also, point out the relationship he has with you is showing an example to his kids. Does he want his son to act like that, would he want his daughter treated like that?

You are also showing your daughter what’s acceptable in a relationship, call him out, every time.

EG94 · 16/04/2025 22:28

@BoredZelda you say what you want to say. Dave, I have told you before I find these comments to be (insert appropriate feeling) and I would ask you to stop. When he inevitably acts like the twat his is by shouting at your reasonable request then you twat him over the head with a plate. No joking you then say, I don’t think this is a respectful way to respond. We can talk about this later when you’re ready to have a respectful conversation.

done.

Original poster
Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:31

mama I think he is a dick, tbf. Or at least a dick in this instance.
boredzelda and eg94 I love it! would you say this in front of DS?

OP posts:
EG94 · 16/04/2025 22:33

Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:31

mama I think he is a dick, tbf. Or at least a dick in this instance.
boredzelda and eg94 I love it! would you say this in front of DS?

Sorry I quoted the wrong poster, I’m clearly tired.

oh I say much worse I’m trying to be polite and diplomatic 🤣

I’m a sarcastic bitch and I’d probably say something like… you’re a waste a skin but I don’t remind you of it daily.

Original poster
Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:35

EG94 you’re a GENIUS! That’s brilliant and made me laugh, I need to be a sarcastic bitch.

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 16/04/2025 22:36

Next time he does it just say 'Good job you're perfect' and laugh.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 16/04/2025 22:41

I don’t think you should be smiling and laughing it off, that’s a bit weird for your children. Stand up for yourself.

KarCat · 16/04/2025 22:46

I’d give him the sternest look in my repertoire and ask him “Do you REALLY think it’s acceptable to speak about me that way?”
Then I’d calmly walk out the room.
What a dick!

Original poster
Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:49

every that’s a good retort. It’s getting the tone of voice right - I need to sound confident.
inwithpeace thankyou, I really dont want it to be wierd for teens.
i do want to stand up for myself, just not sure how without causing a scene at dinner.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname22 · 16/04/2025 22:51

Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:26

Thanks tomato I’m not sure I can leave him tbh, though I’ve been very tempted in the past.
I’m not at all sure why he’d want to undermine me, he has said he isn’t sure what to say to DS. And that DS loves his mum.
eg94 I’m being a wimp, but how do I call him out in front of DS? I’ve done it with a smile, but Im deeply uncomfortable, and that will be coming across.
do I just say, calmly and firmly, ‘that’s rude, unacceptable and I’m not putting up with it?’ Or do I twat the twat on the head with a plate?
thedevilI know! Toffee crisp, right! And there’s me defending my right to like toffee crisp. And a hot coffee, yum.

You say something along the lines of “why do you feel the need to ridicule me and then look to DS to laugh along with you?” Then you go silent and wait for him to bluster about and try to justify his behaviour. And you keep repeating the same phrase every time he does it. Call him out every time.

You deserve better than this.

Original poster
Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:53

Oh karcat that’s doable - but I think DS would run a mile. Or does that matter?
he is already hiding because FIL is staying with us for a bit and just sits there, all scrunched up and frowning ( shortsighted), but it doesn’t suggest fun approachable grandparent. So DS is already sitting at the edge of the table, and legging it as quickly as possible.
Do I say thanks for putting up with FIL?
I don’t like my home at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:57

notmyrealname that’s sort of what I said, probably not as calmly and well after dinner when we were on our own, which is when he denied it then said I make him cross and turned the tv on.
Should I say it in front of DS? Be interesting to see what he replies, I suppose.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 16/04/2025 23:01

Your post reminds me of a child who goes online and posts 'How do I deal with the mean girl in class?', or and adult who posts 'I have a passive aggressive work colleague who keeps making snide comments in front of my boss. How do I get them to stop?'

However, he isn't someone who you should have to learn to deal with. He's meant to be on your husband and on your side, not be your opponent. If you don't feel like he is on your side, then in my view he's just your husband on paper, because working as a team, respecting each other and having each other's best interests at heart is the core of a relationship.

Bourbonbonbon · 16/04/2025 23:02

I don't think you should raise it with him in front of your son because he clearly lacks the attitude to respond constructively. It would become a slanging match.

I might tell him privately that I had had enough of this and see if there was any part of him that seemed to give a shit.

I would leave him. The atmosphere sounds utterly toxic and your son is getting pulled into it. Whether you challenge it or not, it's not ok.