Why is DH making me feel uncomfortable in front of DS

[Healthynow]

DH seems to make jokes about me to DS, 17. They are very minor but make me feel uncomfortable.
the last one was regarding what I’d bought for DS - who was having a mini party. Id bought toffee crisp amongst other junk, which DH said ‘mums bought rubbish chocolate’ or something similar, he then looks at DS as if to get him on side.
I was left feeling really uncomfortable as he did it a few times. I also wonder if DD felt uncomfortable/confused.
when I mentioned it to DH he just yelled at me.
Tonight he did it again, made some sort of snide comment about me dolloping ketchup on my plate and not eating it all. I thought it rude, and
I hadn’t finished eating. He then did that awful look at DS again. A sort of isn’t mum stupid, were boys together look. I try to laugh it off but I’m deeply uncomfortable at how to react. Do I say,‘don’t be rude’ in front if DS?
DH knows that last time he commented my leaving ketchup on my plate (such waste) we had a massive row. I mean, really?
so I got him on his own and said, please don’t do that again. He suprised me by immediately getting cross and telling me I annoy him. No ‘oh I didn’t mean it ‘ He’s now not talking to me - mind you I left the room, as he immediately put football on.
whats going on here? And how do I handle it?

It's not just him trying to impress his son if even in private he is continuing the disrespect.

It sounds like he doesn’t like you…

Personally I would want to move out and take my son with me. I wouldn't want to live with this man or his father.

You obviously care for your DH and you have empathy for his struggles with a bullying boss and his dad. You are supportive and helpful.

TBH that makes him sound even worse. Despite your help and support for him, he is trying to make himself feel better by trying to get your DS to join his little 'boy's only' gang to mock and belittle you. He is juvenile and pathetic.

Just think, if you did split up, the problems with his ex-boss and your FIL would vanish from your plate and your DH would need to deal with them without your help and support. Surely, as he's so big and clever, that should be a piece of cake for him.

He's a bully. Get rid

I would probably look straight at him and say "No. We're not doing this" or "Not this again" firmly.

Later I would ask him why he is trying to bond with his son by putting me down. I think questions can work really well, rather than accusations. Keep questioning him and also be clear about what you find unacceptable, he doesn't get an opinion on that @Healthynow .

Do you think that whatever he is working through in therapy regarding his mum and sister, he is applying to you?

Hi OP, you have had some really good advice and options on how to deal with this. Personally I’m a fan of the ‘why do you feel the need to…’ type responses. I just came on to say you have asked a couple of times things like ‘should I make a scene at dinner’ ‘should I say any in front of my son’. Absolutely, yes, because that is when he chose to say it. HE chose to make a scene at dinner, HE chose to belittle you in front of your son. That’s on him, not you. All you can do is refuse to be spoken to like that as it occurs.

Just be honest, say “when you say x I feel ridiculed and it’s affecting my self esteem. You may mean it as a joke, but my feelings are hurt, it really affects me”.

Spot on. And of course you are setting the standard for you son's future behaviour too by challenging it at the time so he can also see how unacceptable it is (and what an unpleasant arse your husband is being).

Yes call him out. Apart from being awful to you he’s your DS it is ok to treat his mother/women/people like this.

He hates you, and resents you. And now he's trying to teach your DS that women are there to be mocked, ridiculed, belittled and disrespected. Probably in order to boost his fragile ego.

Question is - what are you going to do about it?

I would give him a frowny hard stare (think Paddington) and say confidently.. "don't do that" slow blink and look away after a dramatic pause. Always worked for me when my now ExH did that (towards the end) with my DS there. Once he apologised as my DS told him to as it 'wasn't cool' - very satisfying moment I must say!

think paddington! 😀😀 good tip! All done DS, he’s a ds to be proud of. X

I would call him out on it infront of Ds & Dd
“ look at dad showing you how not to speak to women”
” look at dad showing what a lack of respect looks like in a relationship “
” look at dad commenting on minor things that are not important “
He is showing your child how the be disrespectful to you / women… cut that shit off when he does it!

Does that mean you said something? Do tell as I think lots of us need lessons. My 'D'H did this to me and I should have nipped it in the bud years ago but in an inexplicable way, did not recognise it for what it was and didn't have the tools to deal with it when I should have.

Take it from one whose husband did this.. my adult boys can be hurtful at times but recognize that although dad loves them, he certainly didn't show them how to behave with their significant others.

I’m glad you recognise that his behaviour is not ok but your preoccupation with finding the right retort, is like using a plaster to cover up a gaping wound, pointless. Even if Joan Rivers gave you her most ascorbic zinger, it wouldn’t change the outcome, which would be at best being ignored at worst, being yelled at.

I don’t care what this man’s issues are, it’s unacceptable for him to be taking out on you and his child. This sounds like an unpleasant environment for your poor child, it’s a pity that you don’t fully recognise that.

Maybe ask him if he wants DS to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat partners, or people in general really. If hes OK with that, ask him how he would feel if DDs future partner treated her this way. If he has no problem with that, then you have a bigger problem. I dont think this behaviour is acceptable, and I wouldn't accept it. He may have thought it was funny the first time, but every time since then, he has known its upsetting you, and that is a huge problem

Perhaps next time, just skoosh him with ketchup every time he does it 😁...I'm only half serious

I might be projecting, but are you doing everything and thus have a stronger connection with the kids? So he’s feeling a bit embarrassed and defensive and is stupidly handling it??
For the unacceptable toffee crisp slander, I’d simply say ‘oh, did you buy more exciting options for this event????’
and for the dinner one ‘oh DS, are you joining the ketchup police?!? Are things that bad???’
tell DH privately that he can be on your team, but he needs to ditch the ‘boys against mum’ nonsense.

Raging for you and the toffee crisps.

You call him out with kindness. Say when the children are there “your being unkind or that hurts my feeling or thats the way a narcissist acts you might want to stop. Something to stop him in his tracks and make him look like the “bully” he clearly is.

Sorry you’ve got this to deal with - he sounds like an absolute prick. What a pathetic, snide, useless excuse for a man

My husband was doing this to me and still sometimes does. To the point that I felt I was being laughed at by my son's and husband. Like I was the butt of the jokes and so silly. This is despite me having an IQ (tested) in the top 4% and a Honours degree from a top tier University. I felt like some kind of dumbass.

I started pushing back REALLY HARD on it about 18 mths ago. It's helped but the underlying issue is respect. Just the other day my husband asked me, in front of the children, if I knew how the fog lights work on my car that I've been driving for ten years, insinuating obviously that I don't . I pulled him up on it straight away. Don't put up with this shit. Address it when it happens. If he escalates or gets abusive start to think about options. That's what I'm doing anyway.