Why is DH making me feel uncomfortable in front of DS

[Healthynow]

DH seems to make jokes about me to DS, 17. They are very minor but make me feel uncomfortable.
the last one was regarding what I’d bought for DS - who was having a mini party. Id bought toffee crisp amongst other junk, which DH said ‘mums bought rubbish chocolate’ or something similar, he then looks at DS as if to get him on side.
I was left feeling really uncomfortable as he did it a few times. I also wonder if DD felt uncomfortable/confused.
when I mentioned it to DH he just yelled at me.
Tonight he did it again, made some sort of snide comment about me dolloping ketchup on my plate and not eating it all. I thought it rude, and
I hadn’t finished eating. He then did that awful look at DS again. A sort of isn’t mum stupid, were boys together look. I try to laugh it off but I’m deeply uncomfortable at how to react. Do I say,‘don’t be rude’ in front if DS?
DH knows that last time he commented my leaving ketchup on my plate (such waste) we had a massive row. I mean, really?
so I got him on his own and said, please don’t do that again. He suprised me by immediately getting cross and telling me I annoy him. No ‘oh I didn’t mean it ‘ He’s now not talking to me - mind you I left the room, as he immediately put football on.
whats going on here? And how do I handle it?

You've asked what to say to your son.

I think you will probably be telling him there is going to be a divorce. So with that in mind I wouldn't bring this up as he may realise he was involved and feel he should have done something.

If you are definitely not leaving, I would tell him privately that you're having some issues and while you're trying to keep the atmosphere calm in the home, you want him to be aware that this is not an acceptable way to treat women and you are making that point to his dad in private.

Classic MN hyperbole response. LEAVE HIM/THROW HIM BACK!!!! etc. You are advocating DIVORCE over petty arguments over deposits of ketchup left on a plate. Would you leave your DH for such a crime? No, so why advise it. Grow up.

Another one advocating DIVORCE over petty arguments. What's wrong with MN divorce club FC?
Weirdos

Is your husband trying, in a very cackhanded way, trying to bond with the child? It's a very immature way of bonding, but some people appear to need to "other"someone so they can, in some weird way, bond with another of what they see as their "tribe".

It must be awful for you to have this happen.

It’s not a disagreement about ketchup.

It’s fundamental values like respect and kindness. It’s triangulating and drawing children into adult disagreement. It’s misogyny. It’s not ketchup.

OP I’d absolutely break up over this. But if you don’t want to, I’d enforce my boundaries. No disrespect, no commenting on my food choices, no drawing the children into teams. And mean it.

BTW I’d rather be a dried up witch than a doormat. I’m very happily married to a lovely man. But if he spoke that way, I’d sack him off. ExH found that out the hard way.

It doesn’t really matter what DS does after…you are showing him that you won’t be spoke to in that manner.
You and his father are what he will model his future relationships on.
As will your dd.

Point proven.

Next time look him in the face and say “Bill, you are George’s father, not his friend. You don’t need to be begging for his approval by insulting me as if you’re trying to get the popular boy at school to laugh at your jokes. It’s pathetic and cringy. Grow up and knock it off.”

And then keep eating.

Being a dick to OP is not a petty argument. Even more that he is being a dick to OP for trivial reasons. And by being a dick I mean making snide comments and then doubling down when pulled up on them rather than apologising for lack of tact. That suggests contempt on his part and OP is not being petty to object to that.

“i do want to stand up for myself, just not sure how without causing a scene at dinner.”

Do you live in Pride or Prejudice? Who cares if you cause ‘a scene at dinner’? Just tell him to wind his neck in and stop being a prick. Leftover ketchup? I’d laugh in his face and ask him if he was seriously scrutinising my dinner scraps and to get a life. You did buy shit chocolate though so just say ‘At least I bought chocolate, what did you contribute? Oh nothing as usual…’

You can insult him in just as much a ‘bantery’ way in front of your son as he does to you.

I'd adjust yourself, BTW because your misogyny is showing.

@ConstanceM I'm happily married to the man I met when I was 19. My husband is nice to me though and doesn't treat me like a dick. Doesn't talk down to me and shout at me if I call it out.

Why should someone stay married to someone who clearly has 0 respect for them?

OP your DS is not stupid, he will be able to see what your husband is doing. So the best approach would be to make it clear that you find the behaviour disrespectful and unacceptable. So I would go with “stop being so disrespectful to me”, “stop insinuating that I am stupid”, and “stop trying to involve our son in your bullying”. Say it calmly, firmly and constantly every time he does it.

Calm down dear.

You do realise that this is abuse?

Abuse of you verbally and of your children emotionally having to witness him denigrate you.
It is hugely confusing and damaging for your children.
Don't dismiss it.
It really is awful for them.

He's a nasty prick.

It may take you a while, but start planning on getting away from him.

You definitely say it in front of ds, calmly. You’ve tried the reminding him out of hearing of ds. Didn’t work.
dh, you know I think it’s really rude and unnecessary for you to have a go at the ketchup left on my plate. It’s not a major crime and you need to stop treating it like it is, it’s quite miserable to live with and a really poor example for our children. I hope they never criticise a partner like that.

The way you deal with it is by being assertive. Does it matter if you do so in front of DS? At the moment he is getting a pretty nasty picture of male contempt and female passivity. Answer back, no need to wrap it up. Call out your DH's behaviour for what it is, and keep your dignity.

Sounds like you are getting on his nerves. That said that is no reflection on you but reflects on him. Can you get a break away? With the kids even? It’s not healthy to feel criticised or in a hostile environment like that. Micro managing and trying to put you down to make himself feel better. Really what chocolate is bought or however much ketchup is left matters not a jot. Keep out of his road until you decide how to handle it. Not big or clever on his part. Bullying in marriage really not on.

Not really.

He sounds rather childish - I suspect he thinks he’s being clever and witty, but I imagine your DS will see through him as he is 17. The fact that he shouts at you when you ask him not to behave like this is not the mark of a mature, supportive partner. And the silent treatment? Ridiculous.

At the table, I’d quietly ask him not to make an issue out of something so minor (sauce) especially as you’ve asked before not to do so. If he persists, I’d tell him I’m not staying to listen to him if he can’t be sensible and leave the room. And have a word with your son afterwards to explain why you I’d do.

Ridicule DH and see how he likes it.

I’d be saying something like ‘ it’s not me who looks small when you try to belittle me’.

Perfect response!

And yes, he is a dick.