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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is DH making me feel uncomfortable in front of DS

98 replies

Healthynow · 16/04/2025 21:51

DH seems to make jokes about me to DS, 17. They are very minor but make me feel uncomfortable.
the last one was regarding what I’d bought for DS - who was having a mini party. Id bought toffee crisp amongst other junk, which DH said ‘mums bought rubbish chocolate’ or something similar, he then looks at DS as if to get him on side.
I was left feeling really uncomfortable as he did it a few times. I also wonder if DD felt uncomfortable/confused.
when I mentioned it to DH he just yelled at me.
Tonight he did it again, made some sort of snide comment about me dolloping ketchup on my plate and not eating it all. I thought it rude, and
I hadn’t finished eating. He then did that awful look at DS again. A sort of isn’t mum stupid, were boys together look. I try to laugh it off but I’m deeply uncomfortable at how to react. Do I say,‘don’t be rude’ in front if DS?
DH knows that last time he commented my leaving ketchup on my plate (such waste) we had a massive row. I mean, really?
so I got him on his own and said, please don’t do that again. He suprised me by immediately getting cross and telling me I annoy him. No ‘oh I didn’t mean it ‘ He’s now not talking to me - mind you I left the room, as he immediately put football on.
whats going on here? And how do I handle it?

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 17/04/2025 07:27

I wouldn't worry about saying something in front of DS as he's almost an adult. However, I wouldn't be sarcastic as that's immature (no matter how satisfying it feels) and also models wrong behaviour to DS.

I'd try something like "Please stop ridiculing me in front of DS. I don't want him thinking it's an acceptable way to treat a woman" and leave it at that. If he blows up then just hold a hand up and calmly say "I've said my piece" and walk away. Be the bigger person.

regista · 17/04/2025 07:49

Your relationship OP, you decide whether you leave or not. Other posters are correct that this shows a lack of respect. You said he is having therapy, ask him to ask his therapist to unpick this with him.

In the moment, I would say something like: Oh DH, you're such an idiot, that came across as mean, we're supposed to love each other in this family not be nasty', or even go for a tinkly laugh and 'who doesn't love a toffee crisp?' Do not show that it gets an emotional reaction from you.

I worry that his reaction to your speaking with him about this is to try to punish you further. You should discuss with him that marriages with these behaviours can fail - you want to work on this so that you both love and respect each other - does he?

QueefQueen80s · 17/04/2025 07:55

He’s trying to bond with his son the way many men do, by teasing and mocking women. I’ve seen it before in so many different scenarios, it’s what basic men do on the whole. They don’t seem to know what to talk about otherwise. I’ve often rolled my eyes thinking “here we go..” when eg my 2 male friends weren’t very close so they started teasing me together like a tag team.
Nothing wrong with playful banter but he sounds like he’s trying to undermine you and be a bit cutting. There’s a way of doing it and he’s doing it the wrong way.

Theresyoursalad · 17/04/2025 08:01

Notmyrealname22 · 16/04/2025 22:51

You say something along the lines of “why do you feel the need to ridicule me and then look to DS to laugh along with you?” Then you go silent and wait for him to bluster about and try to justify his behaviour. And you keep repeating the same phrase every time he does it. Call him out every time.

You deserve better than this.

Show quote history

I would go with this approach.
Call it out, calmly and clearly. Every time.
Why are you putting me down and trying to include DS in it?
Next time, oh you're negging me again and looking to DS to join you.
Why would a husband, who is meant to be a role model for our DS, behave like this?

skinnyoptionsonly · 17/04/2025 08:06

You sound scared of him

BirlinBrain · 17/04/2025 08:06

Has this got anything to do with your Fil being there? Is DH trying to show off to him? It sounds like potentially a very uncomfortable atmosphere all round.
Eta, is dh copying something his dad used to do?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2025 08:10

Calling it out does not work on abusive men like OPs Husband. He is not open to any reasoned argument and he remains volatile even when "calm ". Answering him back can give him an additional challenge to take her down. She answering him back can also lead to he deciding that the current level of control is not sufficient so will use other methods to bring her, and in turn the kids who are seeing all this too, into line.

The best course of action here is to plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention. I would contact Women's Aid and seek legal advice as soon as you are able.

Fraaances · 17/04/2025 08:10

Call him on it in the moment. Think of it like dog training. It’s pointless afterwards. Ask him why he is being devisive. Tell him that attempting to humiliate you does not make him look good, and this behaviour needs to stop. Then get on with your meal.

Sparkling2006 · 17/04/2025 08:12

He’s trying to create a space where ds can join in putting you down. There’s no witty comment that will effectively deal with this. The contempt he has will show itself in other ways.

CautiousLurker01 · 17/04/2025 08:30

when I mentioned it to DH he just yelled at me.

So, yes, he’d be on notice that there are suitcases in the spare room and a front door through which to take himself and the cases once packed.

Am guessing this is escalating behaviour? Please make sure your DS understands that this is not how to speak to or treat your partner and the co-parent of your children. Not ever.

Deathraystare · 17/04/2025 16:31

TheDevilWearPrimarni · 16/04/2025 22:17

Your DH sounds insufferable.
i have to say I love a Toffee Crisp and I haven’t had one for years. Maybe I will buy some.

I had some a few days ago! Still yummy!

Original poster
Healthynow · 17/04/2025 19:17

deathray you are a woman after my own Heart. Light, crunchy, chocolatey caramel yumminess.
thanks guys. Im reading your very good comments and I’m now feeling bad - and stressed, Dhs ex bullying boss is now being employed in a very high level in dhs new company. Dhs current boss will report to him😳 it’s not an excuse but it makes everything crap - we went through so much crap thanks to that boss. Also dealing with re homing FIL, and teens. Not sure how to handle it all! Even toffee crisp maybe let me down .
is it wrong to drink wine.

OP posts:
SharpLily · 17/04/2025 19:22

Now I'm craving a Toffee Crisp. Damn it!

Lolapusht · 17/04/2025 20:51

Are you sure your DH isn’t a narcissist too?

Short temper, negging, not tolerating being challenged. When you say his old boss was a bully, how do you know that? If your DH is a narcissist then it wouldn’t be massively unusual for him to take strong management as bullying. If he’s a narcissist he’ll never be wrong and that includes when he’s at work. People who think they are never wrong don’t like managers telling them what to do as it highlights that they’re not perfect which goes against their narrative. They’ll transfer the blame onto the manager eg it’s not their failings that are the problem (they don’t think they have any), their boss is picking on them. He will always be the victim in these scenarios.

If he’s a covert narc then he’ll be Mr Woe Is Me/Why Is Everyone So Awful To Me. Narcs make themselves the centre of attention. When he storms out and doesn’t talk to you, what do you do? Go after him and make things right? Do you find yourself chasing your tail trying to make him happy again? He’s putting himself in the centre of an emotional twister that you get caught up in. You’re flying around the outside while he’s sulking in the middle taking up all of your attention.

Narcs are dicks and they don’t improve.

SpringHasSprung2025 · 17/04/2025 21:02

I’m sorry OP, this doesn’t sound nice at all. You certainly don’t want your DS to pickup on this and start copying your DH. I would therefore call your DH out on it every time.

A simple, “you’re laughing AT me, not WITH me, which makes this unpleasant and hurtful. Please stop”.

If you say this calmly and genuinely, your DS and DD will know it isn’t ok, and will probably mean the “joke” massively backfires on your DH as your kids will view him negatively for it.

notacooldad · 17/04/2025 21:08

applekatie DH getting therapy as his mum and sister are narcissistic ( according to therapist) so relationship improved a lot
Blimey, if, what you are writing is an improvement, you e still got a bloody long way to go!

He suprised me by immediately getting cross and telling me I annoy him.
Next time he says you annoy him I would be saying ' hey sunny Jim, do you want a list of how you annoy me! You better get comfortable because it's a bloody long one!
Seriously, he is a knob head!

myplace · 17/04/2025 21:19

Ignore it, or treat it dismissively-
‘Oh give over, stop trying to be funny.’
‘Johnny’s far too sensible to take any notice of you trying to act like a tough guy.’
‘It’s not funny and it’s not clever.’

But don’t confront, or wait for an answer. Move straight along as if it’s over, done and dusted.

Don’t let him control the situation by playing by his rules.

myplace · 17/04/2025 21:20

And suggest he discuss it with his therapist.

Rhaidimiddim · 17/04/2025 21:31

Healthynow · 16/04/2025 22:14

thanks unsure and lookup you’ve made me laugh, I tend to agree with you.
How do I deal with it though?

Divorce.
One benefit of which will be to signal to your DS that you don't treat women this way.

Anywherebuthere · 17/04/2025 21:41

Sorry to say this. From the way he talks about you and to you, it sounds like he doesnt even like you.

Your son is getting dragged into something that isnt his problem. Thats unfair on him.

You need to decide what to do about your relationship going forward.

DeepRubySwan · 17/04/2025 22:42

This was happening from my partner of 26 yrs (I'm 46, we have 2 DS age 16 and 9) and I stamped down really hard on it. Last year we nearly broke up, not for that but other reasons. There was alot of snide comments and general 'negging' and I felt like the boys were kinds ganging up on me with this 'laughing' kind of attitude yeah like 'isn't mum stupid'. This has since ceased to a large degree but not completely. However every time it happens I come down really hard on it. You need to address it with him and just tell him to stop. Unfortunately my 9 yr old still does it sometimes. My 16 yo never does any more and we have become closer since I started asserting myself more.

Tiredofallthis101 · 17/04/2025 22:57

I agree with the 'ah dad's being a dick again' then tingly laugh approach. And/or - 'listen DH, if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything.' Separately I'd be telling him he needs ro sort his attitude out or you can't keep going on like this - it suggests a major underlying resentment when someone continually makes these dickish comments, unless it is major insecurity on his part.

Housewife8 · 17/04/2025 23:02

Have you thought about leaving him

Beastiesandthebeauty · 17/04/2025 23:05

Your relationship is over unfortunately, he has no respect.

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