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Original poster

To go or not to go?

85 replies

Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 08:07

I really need someone's opinion on this and I don't have any friends that i can talk to on this level so I'm hoping you all can help me.
I've been with my partner for 11 years he has been invited out this weekend to his friends birthday which he has to go to because its been paid for. Also happening this weekend is an event I would really like to go to. I usually do everything with my partner so going out on my own is a first for me but I am happy and excited to do it. I approached the subject a month ago and it didn't go down well but I thought no im still going to go. As it's nearing the weekend I decided to bring it up again and tell him that I'm still planning on going to the event on my own while he goes out for the night. I told him and it was awful. The problem is 2 years ago when we went to this same event a guy asked me for my number the guy didn't realise I was there with my partner. I said to the guy no sorry I've got a partner and he said ok and it was left at that. My partner is now saying he doesn't want me to go because that guy 'might be there' i said I'm sure he won't be and to be honest I wouldn't even remember what he looked liked. He started saying if I go im disrespecting him and he will have a different view on me after this. He said I'm just doing it to ruin his night as he will go out angry and won't enjoy his night. This upset me coz I've never been like this and to say I'm doing it out of spite is very upsetting for me. Then I said well I could say the same about you where u are going there will be girls etc. I wish I had never said this comment but it was heat of the moment coz he started saying I was def going out of spite and to ruin his night. He's very angry at me now. He is now saying he's not going to go to his friends birthday night and will tell his friend that it's because there will be girls there and I don't want him to go! I said why would u tell him that because that's not the truth the reason why you're not going is because you don't want me to go to my event.
I even said to him if anyone approaches me I will go straight home as a compromise but he said I won't I would just lie to him about it.
So do I go? Am I disrespecting him? I'm confused now
Thanks all

OP posts:
alcoholnightmare · 16/04/2025 08:10

You absolutely go. This is his problem to get over, don’t make it yours

Dery · 16/04/2025 08:16

This sounds bonkers and really stifling. You shouldn’t live in each other’s pockets. You should go out separately at least some of the time. His attitude is awful and controlling. Why have you got no friends? Is it because he has isolated you? Is this the first time you’ve tried to do something separately from him? The set-up sounds quite unhealthy and if you have no friends you’re overly dependent on him which is not a good thing.

dudsville · 16/04/2025 08:21

Your partner sounds controlling and jealous. If you don't assert yourself, he'll narrow your world right down.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 16/04/2025 08:23

@Mystical1981 Controling and jealous partner. Make it clear to him this is how his behaviour is. If he can't see that then you need to leave.

Original poster
Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 08:24

Dery · 16/04/2025 08:16

This sounds bonkers and really stifling. You shouldn’t live in each other’s pockets. You should go out separately at least some of the time. His attitude is awful and controlling. Why have you got no friends? Is it because he has isolated you? Is this the first time you’ve tried to do something separately from him? The set-up sounds quite unhealthy and if you have no friends you’re overly dependent on him which is not a good thing.

Edited

Thanks for response. No he hasn't isolated me I had a breakdown before I met him and isolated myself and lost my friends because of it and now I find it hard to make friends. It is the first time out without him however it isn't his first time out without me and I am fine with that. Also just to add when the guy asked for my number my partner was very angry about this and didn't stop going on about it for a week it really hurt him that someone asked me for my number. He's very insecure about those things now.

OP posts:
Seachanger · 16/04/2025 08:29

Tbh I would be sceptical about him saying he had to go to his friend's event " because it's been paid for" in the first place. Of course he could have said he didn't want to go but he obviously had every intention of going and wanted to go but invented the excuse that it was something he couldn't get out of to justify going somewhere without you. Pretty weird.

And of course you have every right to go to your event. And you should go.

If he is frightened of some guy hitting on you does he ever let you go outside the house by yourself? Because some guy taking an interest you could happen anywhere, anytime.

I think his jealous and propriotorial attitude towards you is very worrying.

EVHead · 16/04/2025 08:31

Your partner is horrible. He’s controlling and abusive. Go to your night out, and dump this sorry loser.

NeedsMustNet · 16/04/2025 08:35

So weird that he is still obsessing about an event that didn’t change his or your life in any way, and an event that demonstrated your fidelity to him (if he could open his eyes to see that).

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 16/04/2025 08:47

Echo the others. This is disgustingly controlling behaviour and it needs to change, not be enabled by you staying in!
Let’s just summarise this. A randomer fancied you a couple of years ago and unknowingly asked for your number, which you refused and made it clear you were in a relationship. The end. It happens.
A certain level of jealousy is human and normal but making ultimatums and threats and stopping the person socialising is not normal or healthy. Especially if it’s okay for him to still socialise. This should not have gone beyond that night. You behaved properly in that situation and that should have reassured him of how you handle those situations.
You do not back down. You don’t need to rub it in his face but you tell him clearly that you have never been unfaithful nor would you be, and if he doesn’t trust you then your relationship is in jeopardy as the solution isn’t you not going out (least of all because you don’t go out often and you are just as entitled to go to social events as he is), so he needs to get counselling to help him process why he is reacting in such an insecure way to an absolute non-event from years ago. If he isn’t prepared to do the work on himself then your relationship is dead. This will only get worse until you feel you can never go out.

For the record- whatever his back story is it might EXPLAIN, but doesn’t JUSTIFY this behaviour. I have a friend with a husband with terribly controlling and coercive behaviour and his excuse is “I was cheated on by my ex”. My friend sadly thinks that makes it okay, but at the end of the day my friend is not his ex. I also have my suspicions about her husband’s fidelity if I’m honest, and it’s often the accusers who are actually the guilty party who are measuring their partner by their own moral standard.

unsync · 16/04/2025 09:02

Go and don't come back. His behaviour is disturbing, controlling and problematic.

Healthynow · 16/04/2025 09:06

He is doing a DARVO. Which means defending himself by attacking you and then reversing it so he becomes the victim. It’s a very handy term to help you spot patterns of behavior, which are hard to spot when you are in the middle of it.
he should go to his friends, you should go to yours.
it shouldn’t be an issue .
please go - he will shout and say he now can’t go to his night out, but that is to make you confused and guilty- he will very likely create a row or similar on the night and say something like ‘had enough of you being selfish, I’m going out’ and go anyway, leaving you at home, confused, miserable and desperate to try harder to avoid another row - so you will be nice when he gets back, and not go out again.
He is being totally out of order. He may be the reason you have not many friends 11 years after a breakdown - he doesn’t need to ban you or forbid you seeing friends, he just needs to looks a bit sad and say,’oh I was hoping we could stay in and watch your favourite show’ or, indeed ‘ simeone might fancy you’
Go chat to woman’s aid - nothing serious, just get a view of their opinion.
but I would suggest you are being put in a box.

S0j0urn4r · 16/04/2025 09:08

You seem to have met this man when you were vulnerable and allowed him to exert unacceptable control over you. You may not even be aware (like putting a frog in a pot of water and slowly increasing the temperature).
It might be an idea to start asserting your independence a bit. Find a class or go to the gym a few times a week. You going out without him shouldn't be an issue.

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 16/04/2025 09:10

EVHead · 16/04/2025 08:31

Your partner is horrible. He’s controlling and abusive. Go to your night out, and dump this sorry loser.

This. He think you are his property.
Free yourself. 💐

TheAmusedQuail · 16/04/2025 09:15

This is ridiculous.

He's going out. There will be girls there.
You're going out. There will be boys there.

Exactly the same. Tell him he's using coercive control and to back off.

You need to stand up for yourself now because if not, he will gradually move to completely control you, a little at a time.

Original poster
Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 09:20

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 16/04/2025 08:47

Echo the others. This is disgustingly controlling behaviour and it needs to change, not be enabled by you staying in!
Let’s just summarise this. A randomer fancied you a couple of years ago and unknowingly asked for your number, which you refused and made it clear you were in a relationship. The end. It happens.
A certain level of jealousy is human and normal but making ultimatums and threats and stopping the person socialising is not normal or healthy. Especially if it’s okay for him to still socialise. This should not have gone beyond that night. You behaved properly in that situation and that should have reassured him of how you handle those situations.
You do not back down. You don’t need to rub it in his face but you tell him clearly that you have never been unfaithful nor would you be, and if he doesn’t trust you then your relationship is in jeopardy as the solution isn’t you not going out (least of all because you don’t go out often and you are just as entitled to go to social events as he is), so he needs to get counselling to help him process why he is reacting in such an insecure way to an absolute non-event from years ago. If he isn’t prepared to do the work on himself then your relationship is dead. This will only get worse until you feel you can never go out.

For the record- whatever his back story is it might EXPLAIN, but doesn’t JUSTIFY this behaviour. I have a friend with a husband with terribly controlling and coercive behaviour and his excuse is “I was cheated on by my ex”. My friend sadly thinks that makes it okay, but at the end of the day my friend is not his ex. I also have my suspicions about her husband’s fidelity if I’m honest, and it’s often the accusers who are actually the guilty party who are measuring their partner by their own moral standard.

I do think it's this he has had 2 serious relationships prior to me and he was cheated on both times one cheated with his friend. But he knows I am so loyal I've never cheated and would never on him and he always says to me that he knows I would never cheat but he says it's not me he has the issue with it's other guys that think they can try it on with me.

OP posts:
TheAmusedQuail · 16/04/2025 09:24

Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 09:20

I do think it's this he has had 2 serious relationships prior to me and he was cheated on both times one cheated with his friend. But he knows I am so loyal I've never cheated and would never on him and he always says to me that he knows I would never cheat but he says it's not me he has the issue with it's other guys that think they can try it on with me.

Show quote history

These are excuses to control you. I accept you can't tell him this because he would deny it. But they ARE excuses.

I suspect he was attracted to you because you're vulnerable and easily controllable.

This is abuse. It will get worse.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 16/04/2025 09:29

Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 09:20

I do think it's this he has had 2 serious relationships prior to me and he was cheated on both times one cheated with his friend. But he knows I am so loyal I've never cheated and would never on him and he always says to me that he knows I would never cheat but he says it's not me he has the issue with it's other guys that think they can try it on with me.

Show quote history

His insecurities are his issues not yours - he clearly hasn't recovered from the deceit before. He needs therapy and you need to go out and enjoy yourself.

MsJinks · 16/04/2025 09:31

They always say it's guys they don't trust, not you. They clearly a/ don't trust you to respond to someone appropriately because b/ they're assuming all guys are like them and try to/succeed get other women. However, it is actually more about controlling what you do and ensuring it is to suit them.
This level of jealousy and control isn't going to improve- even if you go this time you're going to end up thinking it's probably not worth going the next - doesn't matter if that were next week or in 5 years.
I'd honestly look at leaving rather than going out Saturday night. Because right now is the best you're getting, and it will continue on downhill with ever ridiculous demands and control until every minute is consumed with trying to suit him - though you never will quite manage that beyond a few minutes here and there.
I know it's hard, I know you can find excuses for it all, but I also know you get one life and you deserve to live it free from this.

WhyDoYouThink · 16/04/2025 09:41

Are you never going to go anywhere where men might be then? For the rest of your life? Just in case someone asks you for your phone number? What if a man asked for your number at work? Will you give up work?

You have not done anything wrong, you responded appropriately to this man. He cannot keep you locked in a box forever in case someone else takes a fancy to you.
I would feel insulted that my partner didn't trust me.

He may not have isolated you from your friends but he certainly likes things that way doesn't he

lessglittermoremud · 16/04/2025 13:44

When I recently went out with my female friends, a nice chap started talking to me at the bar, offered to get me a drink etc
When I went got home and DH asked me how my evening had gone I told him about all the antics and fun we’d had.
He said the chap at the bar obviously had good taste in ladies 😂
He didn’t give me the third degree, sulk or tell me I can’t go out, we’re going out again in a few weeks as we try and meet up every 6 weeks or so for a catchup.
This is a him problem not a you problem and you should definitely go, if he’s going to have a meltdown about someone talking to you it’s a slippery slope. My friends DXH used to accuse her of flirting with people in supermarkets etc it made her life a misery. You deserve better.

Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 13:52

alcoholnightmare · 16/04/2025 08:10

You absolutely go. This is his problem to get over, don’t make it yours

Agree, you definitely need to go, he can go with you if he feels that strongly about it, he’s being controlling, you need to stand up for yourself
You have been together for 11 years and he still doesn’t trust you

JRM17 · 16/04/2025 13:52

This is all kinds of wrong. If my husband even tried to talk to me like that he would be VERY quickly shut down and quite possibly divorced. We don't go out very often due to shift patterns and our DS (maybe 6 times a year each) but I'd say 90% of the times we do go out are alone with other people. It's not normal to be so codependent.

Carrick27 · 16/04/2025 13:53

How old is this guy, 16? He needs to grow up. Don’t put up with this jealous behaviour.

TinyFlamingo · 16/04/2025 13:55

He either trusts you or he doesn't 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are not responsible for the actions of others, not can control other people's behavior.

He needs counselling to address his jealousy, insecurity and past infidelity as it's impacting his daily life, and is no life for you.

Kittyloulou · 16/04/2025 13:56

Run!!!!!!!