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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To go or not to go?

85 replies

Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 08:07

I really need someone's opinion on this and I don't have any friends that i can talk to on this level so I'm hoping you all can help me.
I've been with my partner for 11 years he has been invited out this weekend to his friends birthday which he has to go to because its been paid for. Also happening this weekend is an event I would really like to go to. I usually do everything with my partner so going out on my own is a first for me but I am happy and excited to do it. I approached the subject a month ago and it didn't go down well but I thought no im still going to go. As it's nearing the weekend I decided to bring it up again and tell him that I'm still planning on going to the event on my own while he goes out for the night. I told him and it was awful. The problem is 2 years ago when we went to this same event a guy asked me for my number the guy didn't realise I was there with my partner. I said to the guy no sorry I've got a partner and he said ok and it was left at that. My partner is now saying he doesn't want me to go because that guy 'might be there' i said I'm sure he won't be and to be honest I wouldn't even remember what he looked liked. He started saying if I go im disrespecting him and he will have a different view on me after this. He said I'm just doing it to ruin his night as he will go out angry and won't enjoy his night. This upset me coz I've never been like this and to say I'm doing it out of spite is very upsetting for me. Then I said well I could say the same about you where u are going there will be girls etc. I wish I had never said this comment but it was heat of the moment coz he started saying I was def going out of spite and to ruin his night. He's very angry at me now. He is now saying he's not going to go to his friends birthday night and will tell his friend that it's because there will be girls there and I don't want him to go! I said why would u tell him that because that's not the truth the reason why you're not going is because you don't want me to go to my event.
I even said to him if anyone approaches me I will go straight home as a compromise but he said I won't I would just lie to him about it.
So do I go? Am I disrespecting him? I'm confused now
Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
Mystical1981 · 22/04/2025 07:19

myfourbubbas1 · 19/04/2025 17:45

You have been together along time and met at a time that you were extremely vulnerable and had already pushed your friends away so I'm assuming that since you have no one to talk to about this that you are isolated, perhaps because you've concentrated your life around this man and not been able to make new friends?

There are huge red flags flying all over your post.
The things that he's saying are manipulative and controlling (please do research cohersive control)
Cohersive control can happen over a period of time and you may not even realise it.

Why is it you feel like you can't talk to him about going out? And feel it's so hard to approach him about it? You shouldn't feel nervous about talking to him about having a night out it should be a simple, 'I'm going out at the weekend.' as I'm sure it was when he told you he 'had to go out'

He doesn't want you going out unsupervised, What he's doing is turning everything around on you to make you feel bad, then threatening to tell his friends that your the bad guy! Which then makes you afraid of what they might think of you. NO NO NO.

Start getting your ducks in a row, speak to women's aid about your relationship, they will be able to help you to see things clearly and can help you to take the steps to leave, don't waste any more time with this guy otherwise this will be your life.

Show quote history

Thankyou for this advice.

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 22/04/2025 07:27

Imagine all the ladies in this thread are your friends - each friend is telling you this is wrong and you should leave.

This is why he doesn’t allow you to have friends.

TheAmusedQuail · 22/04/2025 07:54

Mystical1981 · 22/04/2025 07:17

That's how it should be..the event is this weekend and he is now saying if I go it's the ultimate disrespect and he will disrespect me back. He said he's not going to tell me what he's going to do but he will disrespect me back at some point in the future. He said I'm not taking his feeling into consideration and if I go then he said we will see what happens 😒

Show quote history

@Mystical1981 has him saying this made it more obvious to you that this is abuse?

Just because he hasn't hit you, doesn't mean he isn't abusing you.

Please get yourself some help (the suggestions on here are good for where to look).

Sending you a hug. XX

lessglittermoremud · 22/04/2025 08:18

Mystical1981 · 22/04/2025 07:17

That's how it should be..the event is this weekend and he is now saying if I go it's the ultimate disrespect and he will disrespect me back. He said he's not going to tell me what he's going to do but he will disrespect me back at some point in the future. He said I'm not taking his feeling into consideration and if I go then he said we will see what happens 😒

Show quote history

Time to get out of this relationship, if you weren’t sure how abusive and controlling his thought process was before, he’s now 100% shown you.
He's shown you the true person he is, please believe it. It’s not going to get any better.

myfourbubbas1 · 22/04/2025 08:25

Mystical1981 · 22/04/2025 07:19

Thankyou for this advice.

Show quote history

I hope that listening to the voices of others on your post has opened your eyes to the fact that this isn't a healthy relationship at all. I realise how hard it can be, especially if you don't have anyone else to turn to.

Do you have any family? Means to support yourself financially? Children involved? Do you own a home with him?

You have two choices for the weekend, either stuff him and go out Tbh I wonder if this would even be a safe option for you, given the threats, the abuse may step up a notch.

Or

Dont go out, make him think he's won.
Bide your time, speak to womens aid, speak to a solicitor if need be and come up with some kind of plan to get away from him, so you can start living your life! This doesn't need to be immediate but the sooner the better by the sound of things. Make it your plan to go to said event next year and have a blast with a group of friends.. that you will make once you get away from that arsehole!!

You get one shot at this life, one opportunity to live it and it just feels to me like you are trapped and just existing right now, you've already given him a huge part of your life please don't let him have any more.

Imbusytodaysorry · 22/04/2025 08:39

Silvertulips · 22/04/2025 07:27

Imagine all the ladies in this thread are your friends - each friend is telling you this is wrong and you should leave.

This is why he doesn’t allow you to have friends.

This is exactly how it is .

Hastentoadd · 22/04/2025 08:42

Mystical1981 · 22/04/2025 07:17

That's how it should be..the event is this weekend and he is now saying if I go it's the ultimate disrespect and he will disrespect me back. He said he's not going to tell me what he's going to do but he will disrespect me back at some point in the future. He said I'm not taking his feeling into consideration and if I go then he said we will see what happens 😒

Show quote history

He’s a controlling bully

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 23/04/2025 15:34

This is abuse, look up the definition of coercive and controlling behaviour. Honestly, run. This won't get better. What you're doing is absolutely 100% normal, you're going to something you've been invited to. This is totally OK, in my house if someone asked for my number and I said no, my husband would high five me, tell me how lucky he is to have a hot wife and life would go on. At no point has your behaviour been anything other than normal. His response is mad, he's making you feel guilty, and you're questioning yourself and he's controlling your actions because of that. It's no different to threatening you, or being aggressive to control you. Please don't stay with this man, and please know that you can go out, any time and any place you want to, your husband gets no say in this just as you had no reason to control him going away for the weekend.

sameshizz · 23/04/2025 15:51

Get rid of this prat

zeibesaffron · 23/04/2025 20:46

Did you go to the event? I hope you did! I also hope you ended the relationship.

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