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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To go or not to go?

85 replies

Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 08:07

I really need someone's opinion on this and I don't have any friends that i can talk to on this level so I'm hoping you all can help me.
I've been with my partner for 11 years he has been invited out this weekend to his friends birthday which he has to go to because its been paid for. Also happening this weekend is an event I would really like to go to. I usually do everything with my partner so going out on my own is a first for me but I am happy and excited to do it. I approached the subject a month ago and it didn't go down well but I thought no im still going to go. As it's nearing the weekend I decided to bring it up again and tell him that I'm still planning on going to the event on my own while he goes out for the night. I told him and it was awful. The problem is 2 years ago when we went to this same event a guy asked me for my number the guy didn't realise I was there with my partner. I said to the guy no sorry I've got a partner and he said ok and it was left at that. My partner is now saying he doesn't want me to go because that guy 'might be there' i said I'm sure he won't be and to be honest I wouldn't even remember what he looked liked. He started saying if I go im disrespecting him and he will have a different view on me after this. He said I'm just doing it to ruin his night as he will go out angry and won't enjoy his night. This upset me coz I've never been like this and to say I'm doing it out of spite is very upsetting for me. Then I said well I could say the same about you where u are going there will be girls etc. I wish I had never said this comment but it was heat of the moment coz he started saying I was def going out of spite and to ruin his night. He's very angry at me now. He is now saying he's not going to go to his friends birthday night and will tell his friend that it's because there will be girls there and I don't want him to go! I said why would u tell him that because that's not the truth the reason why you're not going is because you don't want me to go to my event.
I even said to him if anyone approaches me I will go straight home as a compromise but he said I won't I would just lie to him about it.
So do I go? Am I disrespecting him? I'm confused now
Thanks all

OP posts:
Branwells77 · 16/04/2025 18:53

🚩🚩all over this guy so you can never go out alone for the rest of your life but he can that’s fine 🤯 you do realise how ridiculous that is don’t you. Do you work in an all female environment? Does he work in an all male environment? I work in a mixed sex environment and I sit opposite my male colleague I actually see him more than I do my husband and it’s not an issue because we are adults and trust each other.
You really shouldn’t spend the rest of your life this way it’s not healthy.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2025 18:55

dudsville · 16/04/2025 08:21

Your partner sounds controlling and jealous. If you don't assert yourself, he'll narrow your world right down.

It sounds like he already has. @Mystical1981 you've never been out without him in 11 years? Why? Because he wouldn’t like it?

There should be no confusion in your mind, he’s a controlling arsehole.

ofcoursethatsnormal · 16/04/2025 21:35

Your partner is basically saying he doesn’t trust you. I’d say there’s no coming back from that really. He doesn’t trust you and he’s trying to make that a you problem when it’s definitely a him problem.

ValentinesGranny · 16/04/2025 21:41

He's controlling, yet after 11 years you aren't married?

thelonghaul · 16/04/2025 22:31

He's emotionally blackmailing you and clearly doesn't trust you after all this time.
Which of course always begs the question what does he get up to when out on his own.

BlondiePortz · 16/04/2025 22:47

Men and women who are jealous and controlling need to sort out their own issues, you know,what he is being so all i can think of is you don't want to be single, no one would put up with this if they respected themselves enough, do you want this in your future is he worth it?

BlueMaya · 17/04/2025 00:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

somanythingssolittletime · 17/04/2025 02:07

WTF?? How old are you both? This sounds like a very immature relationship.

FloofyKat · 17/04/2025 03:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn as it refers to a post that's now been removed.

FloofyKat · 17/04/2025 03:35

OP, I echo what others have said. Your OH should not be making you feel uncomfortable about going out by yourself. You should be able to go out and make your own friends without judgement and tantrums. What you are describing is not a healthy relationship.

Tinker1292 · 17/04/2025 08:08

I say this with nothing but pure respect to you and from a place of care and concern. No disrespect and offence intended. You're in an abusive relationship lovely. He may be kind to you while you're together and maybe not be physically hurting you. But the second you get an opportunity to venture out on your own he gets angry. You say in previous comments you had a breakdown and never been apart since... He's taking your vulnerability and using it to control you. He shouldn't use his past insecurities as an excuse to be insecure towards you. You didn't cheat and you have done nothing wrong. A guy asking you for your number is nothing on you and he needs to get over it. He probably does love you but it's not always a good love. I've been here and overlooked the bunting of red flags and it only got progressively worse. Be careful lovely ❤️ go to the event. If he has a problem with it that's on him. Don't let him stop you living a life you want to ❤️

BlueMaya · 17/04/2025 08:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CosyLemur · 17/04/2025 09:43

Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 08:07

I really need someone's opinion on this and I don't have any friends that i can talk to on this level so I'm hoping you all can help me.
I've been with my partner for 11 years he has been invited out this weekend to his friends birthday which he has to go to because its been paid for. Also happening this weekend is an event I would really like to go to. I usually do everything with my partner so going out on my own is a first for me but I am happy and excited to do it. I approached the subject a month ago and it didn't go down well but I thought no im still going to go. As it's nearing the weekend I decided to bring it up again and tell him that I'm still planning on going to the event on my own while he goes out for the night. I told him and it was awful. The problem is 2 years ago when we went to this same event a guy asked me for my number the guy didn't realise I was there with my partner. I said to the guy no sorry I've got a partner and he said ok and it was left at that. My partner is now saying he doesn't want me to go because that guy 'might be there' i said I'm sure he won't be and to be honest I wouldn't even remember what he looked liked. He started saying if I go im disrespecting him and he will have a different view on me after this. He said I'm just doing it to ruin his night as he will go out angry and won't enjoy his night. This upset me coz I've never been like this and to say I'm doing it out of spite is very upsetting for me. Then I said well I could say the same about you where u are going there will be girls etc. I wish I had never said this comment but it was heat of the moment coz he started saying I was def going out of spite and to ruin his night. He's very angry at me now. He is now saying he's not going to go to his friends birthday night and will tell his friend that it's because there will be girls there and I don't want him to go! I said why would u tell him that because that's not the truth the reason why you're not going is because you don't want me to go to my event.
I even said to him if anyone approaches me I will go straight home as a compromise but he said I won't I would just lie to him about it.
So do I go? Am I disrespecting him? I'm confused now
Thanks all

In the heat of an argument you usually say exactly what you're thinking - you definitely don't trust your husband around girls do you?
And no I wouldn't be going to an event where my OH had previously felt disrespected!

Trabbling · 17/04/2025 10:04

It's essential that you go to your event, otherwise you're reinforcing his behaviour.

Every guy in the world could fancy the pants off you and want your number - that's not an issue. It would only be an issue if you responded by giving them your number. Can he not see that? Should you chain him up just in case some woman unknowingly asks him for his number??!

I was in a relationship like this many years ago and eventually realised three things about his insecurity:

  1. I didn't cause it.
  2. I can't fix it.
  3. It will never get better, no matter how many knots I tie myself in.
Reidwood · 17/04/2025 10:10

stand up to him! If you let him dictate, he will take even more in future…mutual trust is important in a relationship . If men find yiu attractive then revel in their compliments as they’re not going to come from DH! But politely decline and move on safe friend

Naunet · 17/04/2025 11:13

He is disturbingly controlling, and you should absolutely NOT be ok with the fact that in 11 years, he's had nights out alone, but you never have. You are not a child, you're a grown adult woman and do not need his permission to go anywhere. If he's jealous and insecure, then it's his responsibility to get help for, not for you to make your life smaller to appease him. You are not his possession, you are not his junior, you are not his staff or therapist, you are an equal, and if he can't cope with that, he's a pathetic excuse for a man.

mindutopia · 17/04/2025 12:05

Did you post about this before? If not, there is someone who posted this exact same scenario a few weeks back.

He sounds pathetic and insecure. Why wouldn’t you go do something you want to do on your own? I’ve been married 17 years and go do things I want to do on my own (and I leave my husband just at home, not out doing anything fun). I go on holiday without him too. Nothing weird or disrespectful about any of that.

I couldn’t put up with someone who is so unattractively insecure and controlling. Chuck this one back in.

Pinkissmart · 17/04/2025 13:55

EVHead · 16/04/2025 08:31

Your partner is horrible. He’s controlling and abusive. Go to your night out, and dump this sorry loser.

This

OP, this is not a healthy relationship

Ohnonononoh · 17/04/2025 20:38

This is serious red flag behaviour. For some perspective. I’ve been married 19 years. I recently went abroad alone and while checking in for my flight, in a very long queue, the man next to me and I started a casual chat about visa requirements. We chatted for about 20 mins as the queue moved and, near the end, he asked if I’d like to go out for a meal in our mutual home city. I laughed and said so sorry, I’m married (my ring hand had been holding documents and he hadn’t seen it) and he was lovely about it. I went home, told my husband. My husband asked if he was handsome, and I answered honestly - he was very tall and handsome and almost certainly younger than me. My amazing husband grinned, high-fived me, and said “Yeah baby, I always tell you you’ve still got it! Here’s more proof!” He was genuinely delighted for me. We had a laugh and moved on. I feel so, so sad for you. I know not all men are like mine, but they do exist.

Mmhmmn · 17/04/2025 20:45

This is really important. You go to your event. And have a really good think about why this guy should feel so comfortable in telling you what you can and cannot do. Very very controlling and out of order. Do not accept it.

Marvelsquirrel · 18/04/2025 08:42

I think you have to go to your night out because ultimately it won’t be good for your relationship if you don’t
My ex was very jealous and made a fuss about me going to a work party shortly before I was due to go out. I didn’t go and instead stayed in sobbing because of our argument while my colleagues were texting asking where I was. It was a bad relationship and we broke up in the end. I look back and regret letting him control me like that.
But on the other side, I’ve felt insecure at times when my husband has gone out without me. We’ve been married for 20 years so there have obviously been good times and times when I’ve felt low, such as when our children were young. But we’ve always been able to talk through things and neither us prevent each other from going out.
So, I don’t think this one event should be a deal breaker in any way. It sounds like you’ve been together for a while now. You will know in your heart if it’s a toxic relationship or just a wobble.
I think you have to go if that’s what you want to do because it’s unhealthy to be controlled. But I can understand why he feels insecure if he has been cheated on in the past.
He doesn’t sound like he’s ready to talk yet so you’ll probably have to just be clear that you are going out and that he can trust you and that’s the end of the matter.
Hopefully when the dust settles you will be able to talk it through and next time you go out he’ll be more relaxed about it.

J3nnyFromTheBlock · 19/04/2025 09:00

He’s pathetic. Go to the event. And just ditch him completely.

myfourbubbas1 · 19/04/2025 17:45

Mystical1981 · 16/04/2025 08:07

I really need someone's opinion on this and I don't have any friends that i can talk to on this level so I'm hoping you all can help me.
I've been with my partner for 11 years he has been invited out this weekend to his friends birthday which he has to go to because its been paid for. Also happening this weekend is an event I would really like to go to. I usually do everything with my partner so going out on my own is a first for me but I am happy and excited to do it. I approached the subject a month ago and it didn't go down well but I thought no im still going to go. As it's nearing the weekend I decided to bring it up again and tell him that I'm still planning on going to the event on my own while he goes out for the night. I told him and it was awful. The problem is 2 years ago when we went to this same event a guy asked me for my number the guy didn't realise I was there with my partner. I said to the guy no sorry I've got a partner and he said ok and it was left at that. My partner is now saying he doesn't want me to go because that guy 'might be there' i said I'm sure he won't be and to be honest I wouldn't even remember what he looked liked. He started saying if I go im disrespecting him and he will have a different view on me after this. He said I'm just doing it to ruin his night as he will go out angry and won't enjoy his night. This upset me coz I've never been like this and to say I'm doing it out of spite is very upsetting for me. Then I said well I could say the same about you where u are going there will be girls etc. I wish I had never said this comment but it was heat of the moment coz he started saying I was def going out of spite and to ruin his night. He's very angry at me now. He is now saying he's not going to go to his friends birthday night and will tell his friend that it's because there will be girls there and I don't want him to go! I said why would u tell him that because that's not the truth the reason why you're not going is because you don't want me to go to my event.
I even said to him if anyone approaches me I will go straight home as a compromise but he said I won't I would just lie to him about it.
So do I go? Am I disrespecting him? I'm confused now
Thanks all

You have been together along time and met at a time that you were extremely vulnerable and had already pushed your friends away so I'm assuming that since you have no one to talk to about this that you are isolated, perhaps because you've concentrated your life around this man and not been able to make new friends?

There are huge red flags flying all over your post.
The things that he's saying are manipulative and controlling (please do research cohersive control)
Cohersive control can happen over a period of time and you may not even realise it.

Why is it you feel like you can't talk to him about going out? And feel it's so hard to approach him about it? You shouldn't feel nervous about talking to him about having a night out it should be a simple, 'I'm going out at the weekend.' as I'm sure it was when he told you he 'had to go out'

He doesn't want you going out unsupervised, What he's doing is turning everything around on you to make you feel bad, then threatening to tell his friends that your the bad guy! Which then makes you afraid of what they might think of you. NO NO NO.

Start getting your ducks in a row, speak to women's aid about your relationship, they will be able to help you to see things clearly and can help you to take the steps to leave, don't waste any more time with this guy otherwise this will be your life.

Welshmonster · 19/04/2025 22:41

You need to start building yourself a support network. He is controlling you.

you probably will ignore all the advice on here, stay at home by yourself while he goes out with his mates as planned.

Original poster
Mystical1981 · 22/04/2025 07:17

lessglittermoremud · 16/04/2025 13:44

When I recently went out with my female friends, a nice chap started talking to me at the bar, offered to get me a drink etc
When I went got home and DH asked me how my evening had gone I told him about all the antics and fun we’d had.
He said the chap at the bar obviously had good taste in ladies 😂
He didn’t give me the third degree, sulk or tell me I can’t go out, we’re going out again in a few weeks as we try and meet up every 6 weeks or so for a catchup.
This is a him problem not a you problem and you should definitely go, if he’s going to have a meltdown about someone talking to you it’s a slippery slope. My friends DXH used to accuse her of flirting with people in supermarkets etc it made her life a misery. You deserve better.

That's how it should be..the event is this weekend and he is now saying if I go it's the ultimate disrespect and he will disrespect me back. He said he's not going to tell me what he's going to do but he will disrespect me back at some point in the future. He said I'm not taking his feeling into consideration and if I go then he said we will see what happens 😒

OP posts: