To go or not to go?

[Mystical1981]

I really need someone's opinion on this and I don't have any friends that i can talk to on this level so I'm hoping you all can help me.
I've been with my partner for 11 years he has been invited out this weekend to his friends birthday which he has to go to because its been paid for. Also happening this weekend is an event I would really like to go to. I usually do everything with my partner so going out on my own is a first for me but I am happy and excited to do it. I approached the subject a month ago and it didn't go down well but I thought no im still going to go. As it's nearing the weekend I decided to bring it up again and tell him that I'm still planning on going to the event on my own while he goes out for the night. I told him and it was awful. The problem is 2 years ago when we went to this same event a guy asked me for my number the guy didn't realise I was there with my partner. I said to the guy no sorry I've got a partner and he said ok and it was left at that. My partner is now saying he doesn't want me to go because that guy 'might be there' i said I'm sure he won't be and to be honest I wouldn't even remember what he looked liked. He started saying if I go im disrespecting him and he will have a different view on me after this. He said I'm just doing it to ruin his night as he will go out angry and won't enjoy his night. This upset me coz I've never been like this and to say I'm doing it out of spite is very upsetting for me. Then I said well I could say the same about you where u are going there will be girls etc. I wish I had never said this comment but it was heat of the moment coz he started saying I was def going out of spite and to ruin his night. He's very angry at me now. He is now saying he's not going to go to his friends birthday night and will tell his friend that it's because there will be girls there and I don't want him to go! I said why would u tell him that because that's not the truth the reason why you're not going is because you don't want me to go to my event.
I even said to him if anyone approaches me I will go straight home as a compromise but he said I won't I would just lie to him about it.
So do I go? Am I disrespecting him? I'm confused now
Thanks all

Absolutely go and let your hair down….then dump him!!

He is controlling you! All because a guys asked you for your number which your declined!! 2 years ago!!!!!!!

He has no reason to not trust you, past experiences go for nothing! This sounds so suffocating!

So what?

He's got no right to try to control you because of what someone else did.

And if he says he trusts you not to go off with another bloke, then he should act on that trust, not bluster about other men's intentions. Their intentions are irrelevant when you're trustworthy.

Basically he wants to control and isolate you and treat you like property. Don't pander to it.

It's not a debate, you can go where the fuck you like.

For gods sake go - but before you go, leave this nasty, controlling piece of shit.

Run and never look back - please before it gets worse (because it will).

This is terrifying to me. What?
You go... not just to the event. I am sorry you don't currently have other people to talk to but this is not a healthy relationship. His behaviour is unacceptable.
Please have a think about what you want from your life.

He sounds like a fucking nightmare. What does he actually bring to your life?

Please don't waste your life with this controlling shit.

He sounds incredibly immature and a bit thick.

You can’t let him control you like this. Is there anyone you can reach out to in real life for support?

Why was he angry with you? It wasn't your fault some random bloke asked for your number.

He is making you responsible for the actions of other men, and that is about as unfair as it is possible to get, and he is trying to control you now, by not wanting you to go anywhere it might happen again. The fact that you would turn them down seems to have passed him by, and he's assuming you'll go off with the first bloke who asks.

You go to your event.

His anxiety about some bloke trying to give you his number is your boyfriend's job to fix, not you - don't let him make you responsible for his feelings! It's for him to resolve. He's trying to put this on you, so that you make your world smaller and restrict your life to make him feel better. Don't do it! He's insecure, and needs to fix that himself.

Sounds similar to an ex of mine. Got in a strop if on rare occasions on nights out someone approaches me thinking I’m single even though I’m shy as heck and usually have my head in my phone. Also would get funny even if I had a coffee date with a female friend. Trust me the next stage will be out of the blue accusations of cheating. My guy after a year of dating even got mad at me for leaving YouTube comments! He started ranting things like what’s else are you up to?! I was shell shocked and thereafter just wound down my 2 year relationship. He was funny and gorgeous but this toxic trait of his I knew would destroy me so yeah, chucked that one back.

How are you not reading all this back and seeing how horrible and controlling he is? 11 years and he’s STILL behaving like this? He absolutely does NOT trust you, he’s using the “it’s the men I don’t trust” line to justify his bullshit treatment towards you!! He’s even managed to convince you it’s your own fault you can’t make friends!! Ok so you lost friends prior to meeting him, but do you honestly believe if you weren’t with him you’d still have no friends? How the hell could you manage to make friends when he’s controlling your social life by only being content when he’s with you to watch you? The encounter with the other man asking your number was over with within seconds yet he ranted on about it for a week wrecking your head over literally nothing!! Try picture this from a family members shoes, sister or whatever, if she told you all that about how controlling her man was would you think it was normal? I’m now just realising he’s probably unknowing to you, isolated you from family and you basically have only him and HIS family/friends in your life 🫣 He’s emotionally abusing you and it’s not normal, I DGAF what his ex’s done to him, after 11 years he should know you inside out to know you wouldn’t cheat on him fgs, it’s extremely pathetic he’s acting so scarily jealous of something as simple as a man asking for your number. What age are you guys? He’s coming across like a 15 year old girl overly obsessed and possessive of her first boyfriend, he should be seriously embarrassed if he’s over the age of 25!!

If you are in the UK then this is illegal. It's coercive control:

"What is the legal definition of coercive control?

The government says controlling or coercive behaviour is: • acts designed to make a person feel inferior and/or dependent by keeping them apart from friends, help and support. It can include taking advantage of their money and things they have, stopping their independence, and controlling what they want to do." - from the Women's Aid website.

He needs to accept and change (and not just change for a small amount of time, but for good), otherwise this is a terrible relationship to be in, OP. You don't want to live the rest of your life with your wings clipped, do you?

He's talking bollocks, go and enjoy yourself x

It’s actulay not his problem. It’s ops as she is with a controling arse of a man.
He now going to manipulate everything so she is the bad guy and he’s not.
@Mystical1981 ffs ok it’s time to take a looo at your relationship.
Seems your dp has for his own way for long enough .
Got to the event don’t promise to leave early and let him tell lies as you know the truth.

wow! I have had previous abusive relationships and one ex said the exact same line to me - it’s not that I don’t trust you, I don’t trust other men. It’s a control tactic and a nasty one!! So if you do go out you will be too worried that anyone will talk to you to even enjoy the night whilst he will be having a great night talking to anyone he wants!
I know you say you have been together for 11 years so the thought of suddenly being on your own is scary but so is what he is emotionally and mentally doing to you!
Even if you don’t go out please contact harbour or women’s aid even if it’s just an informal chat, you will be surprised what support is there and remember his actions and behaviour is a reflection of him not you xx

Sorry op, you’re in an abusive and coercive relationship. You need to get out of it.

it is NOT your fault that a random guy asked you for your number.
It is NOT the random guy’s fault for asking for your number.
something like that can happen anywhere.
Your partner’s behaviour about it (then and now) is way out of line and mental abuse. You will never be able to win with this type of controlling behaviour because basically you can’t go anywhere, a guy could start chatting to you while you’re doing grocery shopping, a girl might even fancy you and start chatting to you.
Your partner’s reason (being cheated on twice) is an absolute bullshit excuse for his behaviour. Plenty of people get cheated on and don’t control their partners. He can’t go around “not trusting other guys”. It’s also not ok for him to use this as an excuse to not go to his friend’s birthday and turn that on you.

you really need to take some distance from this relationship. If you haven’t got any friends anymore, go to your mum for a while or a sister. You need to take some time to look at your relationship from a distance to see what’s going on, because I think you’re not seeing how he’s controlling and abusing you.

They ALWAYS say that they are only jealous/controlling 'because I was cheated on in the past'. Always. Even, and I hate to say it, if it's not true. It's their excuse for nailing you down so tight that you daren't talk to the guy in the corner shop who sells you a coke, just in case it gets back to him.

You need to put your foot down, go out and tell him to deal with it. Don't give in to him or pander to him, no matter how many times he tells you it's just that he loves you so much and he was cheated on in the past...etc etc.

And be very careful. He may be with you because he thinks you're vulnerable and will always do as you are told.

This.

OP, you should absolutely go to your event! Your partner sounds insecure and those are his issues to get over. Imagine if everyone had to leave events when someone hit on them! It's ridiculous. You shouldn't even agree to leave as a compromise if it happens again. I'd not even mention it - firstly because it's a non event and secondly coz he'd never get over it by the sound of it and could then use it to stop you going out again. This is not reasonable.

You should be clear if he doesn't go to his event you will be ringing his friend to clarify it's got nothing to do with you.

He's insecure and the cheek of him to make out it's your issue! What he's telling you is he's insecure and doesn't trust you. Disguising that as you're being disrespectful! Feel sorry for him having been cheated on before but you're not either of his ex's and you shouldn't be punished for their behaviour.

Sounds worryingly controlling. I’d be very firm, reassure him, but go regardless and then suggest he attends therapy for his controlling behaviour. You are allowed to attend different events and trust each other. I hope you’re ok as that sounds a really tricky situation

No OP, he is disrespecting YOU. You are free to do whatever you want. No woman should be treated like this. Be strong, stand up for yourself, go on your weekend, and preferably throw this one back into the misogynistic soup he came from.

He's being controlling and manipulative. So I guy asked for your number - so what? You didn't engage with him. Your boyfriend is an idiot. Is this really the life you want, toeing the line so he doesn't get upset?

You need to go for your own well being. Also stop him controlling you.

Why doesn't your partner put a great big ring on your finger showing other men that you are definitely not single and fancy free?

Your partner seems over jealous.
I could never live with that. Do you want to stay in the relationship?

I’m guessing if you really look at your relationship you will find that he is controlling in other aspects.

You should absolutely go. I don’t understand how he can be mad or upset that a guy, who didn’t know you weren’t in a relationship, asked for your number and then absolutely respected your answer.

Even if that had not been the case you said no. You did not do anything wrong.

Your partner sounds controlling. If it is disrespectful for you to go alone then he needs to stay home too.